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My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner

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thefuturemrsb Posts : 1 Registered: 5/25/10
My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 25, 2010 4:13 AM

I am really quite frustrated and I do not know how to deal with this sticky situation. My fiance and I are paying for our wedding in full. I have always said that I wasn't going to allow my parents to pay for my wedding due to a lifetime of financial struggle. Despite their financial concerns they are determined to pay for something whether it be flowers or favors... My fiance's parents on the other hand, always complain they have no money, yet they purchase flat screen TV's and go on vacations; but the ultimate kicker is that they paid for his younger sister's wedding in full totaling over $20K. Now they know my parents' situation completely yet whenever a rehearsal dinner is mentioned they seem to disappear. My fiance and I have been in 3 weddings within the past 6 months and every time his parents ask how the RD was, but completely dismiss the idea of even having a RD for my fiance and I. Yet when planning his sister's wedding they were determined and almost demanded that the groom's family was going to host the RD. Do I mention this somehow? If so, how do you bring something like this up? His parents come off ignorant to certain etiquette, yet when it comes time for them to cough up any form of $$ they know all the "rules" and "proper procedures".... What's a girl to do???

april_2011 , northeast_pennsylvania
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 25, 2010 6:23 AM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

You can't make someone pay for something that they don't want to. As they haven't offered yet, my advice is to move on and accept they are not paying for anything. You have no control over how someone else spends their money.

If you want a RD, then start planning one that you can afford to pay for. Good luck.

 

 

 

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 25, 2010 8:08 AM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

I agree with PharmToxGirl. You simply cannot force anyone to pay for anything. I would suggest that you accept the fact that for whatever reason (fair or not), they are not paying for your RD. It's time to start planning one for yourself or just not have one.

Also, there is no hard-and-fast rule that says that the groom's parents HAVE to pay for the RD. Just like there is no law that says the bride's famly pays for everything else. At one point it was considered tradition, maybe it still is. But it's not set in stone, or a law or anything.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

las_vegas_3368 , northeast_pennsylvania , april_2011 , october_2010
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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 25, 2010 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

What's a girl to do???

In this case, absolutely nothing!! Any conversations about what to do with their money should take place between your FH and his parents. Your job is to stay out of it.

Nobody can force your FIL's to pay for a rehearsal dinner. If you want such a dinner, you'll just have to pay for it. but, there's no law that says that you have to have a RD at all. If you do decide to have one, pizza or deli or something else simple is just fine. It would be nice to arrange to have the parents meet ahead of time. And, that does not have to be immediately before the wedding. Unless distance prevents such a meeting, it's not a bad idea to have it some time before the actual wedding festivities begin. Everyone tends to be more relaxed when they've met earlier.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

northeast_pennsylvania , april_2011 , november_1975
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 26, 2010 5:39 AM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

Dear Mrs B,

What do you do?

You plan and pay for a rehearsal dinner, if you want to have a rehearsal dinner.

I don't care what other people have done. I don't care what money they might have spent elsewhere. The only person you need to worry about is you.

As the mother of sons, I would be resentful if some hypothetical future daughter-in-law expected me to pay for a rehearsal dinner, without waiting for me to offer.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 26, 2010 8:39 PM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

Plan one you can afford, and they can be very inexpensive. I'd be irritated if my son's future DIL talked about what we spent money on. Vacations, to us, are sacred and yes, MORE important than a fancy, outrageously expensive rehearsal dinner. Ours was 400 and included a LOT of people. Do what you can afford, but tread softly in complaints to your future in laws.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

northeast_pennsylvania , april_2011 , march_2007
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FutureMrsKlein Posts : 164 Registered: 5/2/09
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 27, 2010 12:11 AM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I'm actually going to disagree. Depending on his relationship with his parents (if they in general are "normal" people), I would have him ask if they were interested in hosting the rehersal dinner. Just say that they've been interested in the other one's you've went to and wanted to know their feelings on it. If they say no, then whatever, plan one yourselves. But some people WILL NOT bring it up unless they are asked.

You have to judge based on your knowledge of them, but I say go ahead.

april_2011 , northern_california , northeast_pennsylvania , may_2010 , march_2007
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 27, 2010 10:42 AM Go to message in response to: thefuturemrsb

It's unclear from your post whether or not your FH has spoken to his parents directly about the RD. Since they've been asking about other RDs you've attended recently, that seems like a good indication that they are feeling the topic out and seeing what other people have planned - yet you said that they've dismissed the idea of having one for you. What do you mean by that? Has your FH spoken to them about it or not?

If he has not, then you're simply assuming that they're dismissing the idea. If the topic hasn't been discussed directly, then I think it's fine for your FH to sit down with his parents and ask whether they want to host the RD. If they do, great - let them plan whatever they prefer. If they do not, then drop it. Alternatively, if it has been made clear from previous conversations that they do not intend to host the RD, then either skip it or plan a RD you can afford on your own. It doesn't need to be expensive or fancy - in fact, I prefer more casual RDs, as they are typically the night before the wedding and it can be a little tedious to attend two formal events two nights in a row with the same people. Alternatively, you can skip both the rehearsal and RD. Most people know what to do at a wedding - IMO, they really don't need to be rehearsed, but if you do a rehearsal, you should feed those who are attending it.

The fact that you are paying for the wedding does not mean that your FILs need to pay for the RD. The fact that they have more money than your parents does not mean that they need to pay for anything. The fact that they own nice things and take nice vacations is also irrelevant. The bottom line is this: You do not have a right to tell anyone else how to spend THEIR money. You are not entitled to their money simply because you believe that they have some. And the fact that they have more than you or your parents do does not entitle you to it. Regardless of how they've earned their money, it is THEIRS, not yours and not your FH's. They earned it, and they're the ones who get to choose how to spend it. Personally, I'm incredibly turned off whenever anybody acts like they're somehow entitled to MY hard-earned money, or implies that I should spend it simply because they think I have more than they do. If your attitude has come off to them as similar to what you've posted here, then I really don't blame them for not wanting to spend money on you. I'd be pretty pissed if I had a son getting married and my FDIL implied that I need to pay for something because she can't or because her parents can't.


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april_2011 , northeast_pennsylvania
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My future in laws won't pay for the rehearsal dinner
Posted: May 27, 2010 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Dear AB,

"And the fact that they have more than you or your parents do does not entitle you to it. Regardless of how they've earned their money, it is THEIRS, not yours and not your FH's. They earned it, and they're the ones who get to choose how to spend it. Personally, I'm incredibly turned off whenever anybody acts like they're somehow entitled to MY hard-earned money, or implies that I should spend it simply because they think I have more than they do. If your attitude has come off to them as similar to what you've posted here, then I really don't blame them for not wanting to spend money on you. I'd be pretty pissed if I had a son getting married and my FDIL implied that I need to pay for something because she can't or because her parents can't. "

I agree with this entirely.

If some Entitlement Queen started telling me how I should spend my money, she would get a piece of my mind. I'd be polite, but tell her to go soak her head.

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