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The Ceremony

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Jalen Posts : 1 Registered: 5/21/10
The Ceremony
Posted: May 21, 2010 5:49 PM

I always wanted a private ceremony with just two witnesses, and a reception when we get back so that our families can celebrate. I was looking into the sandals resort, they have this wedding package, it is really nice...how do we go about telling our families in a way that they don't get offended that we don't want to have a big ceremony?

july_2011 , north_carolina
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 22, 2010 7:14 AM Go to message in response to: Jalen

Dear Jalen

There is no way to tell a family "We don't want you at our wedding" without offending them.

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jcrom88 Posts : 4 Registered: 5/22/10
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 22, 2010 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

I think you should tell them exactly that... you want a small ceremony. That shouldn't offend anyone, it's what you guys want.

north_carolina , may_2011 , july_2011
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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 22, 2010 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

Unless you are totally on the outs with your families, I cannot see how you could exclude them and not have them be offended. And, why would you want to do that? Who would the "two witnesses" be? I can understand wanting an intimate ceremony, but to me "intimate" would mean parents, siblings, and grandparents, if they are still with you--unless, you have some specific reason that you wish to exclude them. There's nothing wrong with having an intimate ceremony. Then, go off to Sandals and have a blast. Have a delayed reception for everyone else when you return. Just be upfront about it (no pretend wedding ceremony). By the way, would you expect the people that you'd like to exclude to pay for any part of the reception? I hope not.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

july_2011 , november_1975 , north_carolina
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jojolina Posts : 897 Registered: 2/28/07
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 23, 2010 5:00 AM Go to message in response to: Jalen

As a mother of a daughter who will probably be getting married in a few years, I would be crushed if I wasn't able to go to her wedding. I've thought about the day she gets married for quite a long time. Unless your family and his family don't like you guys much, there is no way to not invite them and expect them not to be offended. Not a good way to start off with FH's family either. I would bet if FMIL is offended, it will be you that takes the brunt of that.

 

www.mywedding.com/lorrieandchris

north_carolina , july_2011 , northern_california , july_2007
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triciam Posts : 128 Registered: 2/19/09
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

My best friend decided to do something similar to this so she sent out invitations to everyone inviting them to be there with them in "spirit." The invititation looked like a traditional invitation. Although the thought was nice it did cause a lot of hurt feelings with her family. Her brother didn't talk to her for over a year and they still get "picked on" for doing this and not including the family. This is my opinion on the whole thing: I think that a wedding is between two individuals who love each other and it is very intimate but it is also the joining of two families. As much as I would love to have it just my fiance and I, I could not do this to my family because they would be crushed and I saw how hurt her family was when they did this.

july_2011 , north_carolina , upstate_hudson_valley , july_2010
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

I'd be pretty pissed if one of my siblings got married and didn't invite at least immediate family. I wouldn't care if his/her dream was to get married with only two witnesses - I'd think it was incredibly selfish of him/her to put some vision of a wedding before the feelings of my parents, my other siblings, and myself. A wedding ceremony can still be intimate with more than two guests.

So yes - I'd be incredibly offended. If it was a friend, I would understand why I wasn't included. If it was a cousin or some other not-so-close family member, I would understand. But if it was someone in my immediate family, I'd be pissed that I didn't get to witness it - but I am very close with my immediate family. Honestly, I'd be crushed if one of my siblings got married without me there.

That said, however, I'd get over it. Eventually. I'd be very hurt and the relationship would suffer for a while, but I would eventually forgive him/her, though it would probably always bother me when I thought about it.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

north_carolina , july_2011
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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 5:29 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

In my personal opinion? Just do it. If it's what you want, then do it, and some people are going to be offended, and you'll have to be okay with that.

I've got two friends who had ultra small ceremonies, one (so far) who later had a big reception.

1) A couple I know have been together for awhile, and we were all wondering when he'd propose. I recently found out that they got hitched in Vegas. Shocking, but at least we aren't all waiting around wondering when they would get married already. They are both pilots, and both very broke, and planning/paying for stuff was stressing them out, they were in Vegas at the same time, so they just did it. They seem very happy. I've been told they might plan some sort of celebration, but I'm not holding my breath, because I suspect that she realized that she was giving up a wedding when she decided to do it.

2) A girlfriend of mine was getting married, and her mother was pretty much planning a summer wedding for her in her hometown. She didn't care. Really, she didn't -- the wedding was not her idea, she was just going along for the sake of the family. Her fiance didn't really have any family of his own at all. I was planning on attending the wedding for awhile, when I got a message from her that they were going to get married in a bed and Breakfast over the weekend, in an inn in Vermont. They planned it out about a week in advance, and told their families. I talked to her afterwards -- she was very happy and described it as really sweet, it was just the two of them, with the innkeeper and his wife as witnesses. With these two, the met and fell in love on their own,on the other side fo the world (they were in the Peace Corps) and this really did suit them, much better than the wedding her mother was planning.

She still celebrated with her family the following summer -- her mother still got to throw a party. Everyone knew they were already married, and when I asked her about it (I didn't go; this event didn't seem to be that important to her) she said it was fun, but the Vermont ceremony is their wedding date. If she hurt others' feelings, I think she's accepted it. She wanted to do it her way, and she did, and I know she has zero regrets.

If you're okay with whatever hurt feelings you might cause, then do it. Both of the women above have no regrets. The best you can do is hope that they'll understand, but you have no guarantee that they will.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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WoostaBride Posts : 220 Registered: 6/8/09
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

Would I be offended? Heck no. I'd rather go to the party anyway! I get the logistics behind the "big deal" that many people make of this, yet I could care less. If that's how someone chooses to do it, then that's how they choose to do it. It doesn't personally affect my life, and I'm quite secure in dealing with my "feelings" about situations. If I spent time getting bent out of shape because of nonsense, I'd never be able to enjoy my life. There is no point in looking that deep into something that won't matter one bit the next day.

july_2011 , august_2010 , rhode_island , north_carolina
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MikaylaK Posts : 53 Registered: 5/23/10
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: WoostaBride

I get the private ceremony part. I really do. But perhaps my private ceremony would include our parents and siblings.

But the hurt feelings part. I will be married in another country than my own, and I know there will be hurt feelings (my grandmother will not get on a plane even if threatened with nuclear war, and my cousin already told me she's sad she won't be there, and I don't even have a date yet).

It's a touchy issue with family, and each family is different. What I can tell you is what my family is like. When my mum first conceived the idea of me getting married to my FH (months ago), she told me in all seriousness: "If you elope, invite me."

But sometimes when people do far away weddings, parents choose NOT to go. A friend of mine got married in Latin America (where she is from), and her European husband's parents said they wouldn't go. Period.

So it's really about explaining your plans to them, then you can see how they react and all.

north_carolina , rhode_island , all_others , june_2011 , july_2011 , august_2010
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Orbital199 Posts : 92 Registered: 10/12/09
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: Jalen

Jalen, I totally understand where you're coming from. When I was a little girl I never pictured getting married, having a wedding, or having a family. I thought I would be on an archaelogical dig in Egypt or a historian burried in books. When my fiance and I first discussed what we were going to do about getting married, the thought of eloping peaked both of our interests. He and I do not like to be the center of attention, do not like to spend money on parties or events, and are all around very private people. We pushed for the elopment several times with my parents, but when they finally gave us the 'you can do what you feel is right' talk, I could hear the dissapointment in their voices and feel the hurt in their eyes. I love my parents and I just couldn't stand to do that to them. Chad and I both agreed that this day really isn't about us, it's about our loved ones. Even though that seems a little backwards, we felt it was the right thing to do. Consider your relationship with your family. Are you close? If you are, I would give a wedding a thought. It can be as small as you want it to be and doesn't have to be a big hubub. What made me feel more comfortable with the wedding was realizing that everyone we're inviting, which is only about 50 to 60 people, are people that I love and care for very much, and more than likely, people I've already embarassed myself in front of anyways.

april_2011 , july_2011 , north_carolina , florida
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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: The Ceremony
Posted: May 24, 2010 7:55 PM Go to message in response to: MikaylaK

I think my situation is the exact opposite. I'm planning a destination wedding (Las Vegas) and am HOPING that everybody I want to be there will be there, but will not be offended or hurt if they are not.

I think you just have to be able to accept the consequences of your decision. If your family or his family is hurt or offended, they may not let you forget it for a long, long time. This could mean any number of things, such as mentioning it at family dinners, or "snubbing" you at family get togethers. But it's YOUR choice so just be prepared for what may come.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

las_vegas_3368 , october_2010 , june_2011 , all_others , rhode_island , north_carolina , july_2011 , august_2010
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