My Father's mistress

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 1:03 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Ring or no ring... that woman will ALWAYS be thought of as the Other Woman, Husband Stealer, Home Wrecker.

And if someone asked my father that way within my earshot and he responded with "my wife wasn't invited", I'd probably respond with "well, Dad, as you well know, that's because you cheated on mom with her and that's why the two of you got divorced."

I mean... if I'm gonna be thought of as tacky, I might as well go all out. I won't come out smelling like a rose, mind you, but neither will Daddy-O. In for a penny, in for a pound.

:)

Misty

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Jnikki Posts : 42 Registered: 11/2/08
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 1:50 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Cat, that is hilarious...I love it, she will ALWAYS be the mistress...how can you take that marriage seriously after what they've done?. Honestly, I have to agree that I wouldn't invite her. I don't care if they're married or not. If I don't like her I don't like her. There is no way in the world that I wouldn't invite my dad to my wedding. So, if he chooses not to come because she isn't invited than thats on him.

AOTB: After what you said about the father saying "my wife didn't come because she wasn't invited"....how do you think her mom is going to feel when people are looking at her crazy because the hussy who broke up their marriage is walking around with him? You have to be fair and look at it from both angles. Is proper etiquette to invite someone to your wedding that both you yourself and your mother will be offended by if they show up? What does the etiquette book say about that?

OP, I agree with others that is your day, do what you want. You cannont have 100% perfect etiquette. If it isn't this issue, it will probably be something else that people will think is not "proper" etiquette. You should at least take the risk with the one that is going to leave you and the rest of your family comfortable. And on a personal note, I would not want someone to invite me somewhere if they really didn't want me there, especially not something as intimate as a wedding. Being invited to a wedding is a privilge not an entitlement.

"So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate" Matthew 19:6   Jamie and Bryan 5-22-10

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CapeTownBride Posts : 37 Registered: 4/16/10
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 3:31 AM Go to message in response to: Jnikki

My biological mother was my dad's mistress.

My dad and his wife are still together, despite my biological mother's best efforts.

When it comes down to drawing up a guest list, I know I'll be inviting my dad's wife because she helped raise me.

And my biological mother, you ask? The mistress?

Well, my stepmom is an amazing woman and believes that my biological mother should be there to see her daughter get married.

Then again, it must be remembered that the relationship between my dad and my biological mother ended more than 20 years ago (when I was around 5) and my dad and my stepmom will be celebrating 45 years of marriage next year...

Time can heal almost anything.

Like AOTB says, it is a major wound right now, but in a few years - or even months - everyone involved might feel differently about the situation.

If you were getting married next week, I would also say hell no. No reason to invite her. No ring, no bring. But who knows how you'll feel a year from now?

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: Jnikki

I totally have no time for women who sleep with married men, but you know hwo I have even LESS time for? MEN who are married who sleep around. THEY broke up the marriage, after all, they were the one in a committed, legally contractual relationship. The other woman had no duty to anyone, really, other than her own ethics. But the man? Ya, he did. I always am interested to hear people talk about how the woman broke up the marriage. Well, I"m not sure how that happens wtihout the married man choosing to do so. I get the anger, totally, but feel it should be directed way more at the one who was married at the time (woman or man). I don't buy the "seduced" him crap...he's a grown ass adult and knows full well the choices he makes will ahve repercussions.

Honestly, my stepmom was "another woman" just not to my mom. To the wife after my mom. He cheated, not my stepmom.

As to inviting, or not, agree with AOTB.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: Jnikki

Dear JN,

"AOTB: After what you said about the father saying "my wife didn't come because she wasn't invited"....how do you think her mom is going to feel when people are looking at her crazy because the hussy who broke up their marriage is walking around with him? You have to be fair and look at it from both angles. Is proper etiquette to invite someone to your wedding that both you yourself and your mother will be offended by if they show up? What does the etiquette book say about that?"

If Mom truly believes that she did nothing wrong, and that Dad and Mistress/New Wife were 100% at fault for the marriage failing, then Mom need not worry about what anyone thinks. She can hold her head high and attend the wedding. It might help if Mom takes a somewhat condescending attitude towards the new wife.

"Poor dear. She has a husband who cheats on his wife. Oh, well, he is now her problem, not mine."

Next issue. If the Mistress/New Wife has any brains in her head, she will, voluntarily, not attend the wedding. Again, the proper thing is to invite Dad and whatever bimbo to whom he's currently married or engaged. If the dynamics are such that the New Wife would cause such a distraction as to make the bride uncomfortable, then a "nice" person would decline. She would be invited, but she would voluntarily decline, in consultation with her husband. This would be a very gracious act and an gesture of kindness and friendship to the bride. The bride is well advised to accept that gesture of kindness and friendship for what it is.

"I am afraid that if I attended Homer's daughter's wedding, there might be some hard feelings. Her mother and mother's family will all be there, and it will be uncomfortable for everyone. Therefore, I have decided to decline the invitation, while still urging Homer to go alone. I will take that weekend off and go visit my sister and her family." (Or have a spa day with my mother or take the weekend shift at the coal mine, whatever.)

If Mistress/New Wife is an idiot, she'll attend, and be subject to cutting remarks from various people. "So you're the 'one' that broke up my sister's marriage, eh?"

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: CapeTownBride

Dear CTB,

"Well, my stepmom is an amazing woman and believes that my biological mother should be there to see her daughter get married. "

I'll second that. Your stepmom is an amazing woman. You would do well to hold her up as a role model for "difficult" issues in life.

I hope you take a few moments, from time to time, to tell her how much you appreciate her.

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CapeTownBride Posts : 37 Registered: 4/16/10
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 11:21 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Absolutely.

She's my hero. :)

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 12:22 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I don't think anyone, guests or otherwise, should impose upon the bride and groom the obligation to invite the "other woman" to your wedding when there has been a recent divorce.

Divorce will leave you feeling completely bludgeoned. You've got to find a way to make peace for it, but you don't have to go through a hurting/healing process in perfect time to your wedding date.

As a guest, I wouldn't think it was foolish not to invite the "other woman" where it is obvious that doing so is like pouring salt in an open wound on one's wedding day. But, when a decent amount of time has past, it can come across like the bride is being an insolent child, refusing to admit that her parents are grown-ups, and capable of making their own decisions.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 14, 2010 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

In all of this discussion, there's a lot of judgment going on. NOBODY knows what goes on behind closed doors. Yes, Dad had/has a mistress. Maybe he's a bum. Then again, maybe there were factors in the marriage that nobody knows about or saw. The divorce is between the couple, not their friends, neighbors, or adult children. Since the OP's Mom has said that she accepts Dad bringing his mistress/new wife/fiancee/bimbo, or whatever she is at the time of the wedding, and since Mom's feelings really are the ones that daughter is most concerned about, then she can be OK about inviting Dad and his lady friend, IF that's what she wants to do.

What she chooses to do really depends most of all on the relationship that she wishes to have with her Dad, now and in the future. If she does not invite the "mistress," will she continues to be able to have a comfortable relationship with her Dad? Does she want a relationship? And, since the wedding is not the last event in her life to present this conflict, especially if grandchildren enter the picture, this is not the last time she will face this uncomfortable situation.

Most of all, OP, you certainly do not have to decide anything now. I would question the need to send save-the-dates so far in advance. Vegas certainly is not the other side of the world. It's easy to make arrangements to get there on rather short notice. You're only having 30 people, so I assume that you know most of them pretty intimately. Therefore, they know about your wedding date and locale and can make arrangements. For anyone really distant, you certainly can inform them personally of your plans without doing an advance mailing. You do not have to send a save-the-date at all to your Dad--I'm sure he already knows or will know your plans. So, sending an invitation six or eight weeks in advance should be sufficient for almost everybody to make the necessary travel arrangements. And not sending save-the-dates allows you to sidestep this whole issue until very close to wedding time.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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HollyD Posts : 81 Registered: 7/20/09
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 15, 2010 12:36 PM Go to message in response to: myras

I just read everyones posts and thought I would put my two cents in. I would not invite the other woman. It wouldn't matter if they were married or not. Even if at the time of the wedding she would be his wife, she will still be the mistress. I don't see it as being the "insolent child". I see it as a child that wants to protect her mother's feelings and not want her mom to be uncomfortable. I asked my FI what he would do in this situation. His response, "I probably wouldn't even invite my dad".

It doesn't matter what went on behind closed doors. The fact remains that if her dad wasn't happy in the marriage or wanted to be with someone else, he should have got the divorce FIRST! OP-you have a while until the wedding. Don't stress about it now. When the time comes I would sit down with dad and let him know that you want him at your wedding (because he IS your dad and you do love him). Be specific that you don't want his "friend" there. Let him know that while someday you might want to get to know her that you want the day to be about family and your mom comes first. I would think that he should be reasonable enough to see how disrespectful it would be to you and your mom for his friend to be there. If he doesn't see why there should be a problem you may have to point it out to him bluntly. If he chooses not to come if she can't, you will have to deal with that.

Personally, if I was in your shoes and my dad threw a fit because I didn't want his new wife who he cheated on my mom with at my wedding, I would tell him where to go. I don't think that it is disrespectful to dad to not want his mistress at my wedding, whether they were married or not. If my dad wanted to rub it in my mom's face then he could just stay home himself.

Good luck! I hope that you have a beautiful wedding and that it is all that you want it to be. Please let us know how things are going with your planning!

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communitynameis... Posts : 15 Registered: 5/13/10
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 15, 2010 8:48 PM Go to message in response to: HollyD

Wow I can't believe I bumped the debate up! I literally just had to respond months later because I needed to get it off my chest, but I'm impressed at the dignified commentary going on. =)

Ok, back to the actual wedding though. My mother does not want my father's mistress to attend, and as they are not married or living together or even engaged, I have no future plans of inviting her. I maintain my opinion that if they were married I would still not invite her. Granted, my wedding is almost exactly one year to the date after my mother learned of the affair, so time is not on our side. Everything is still very very fresh, so even if they were married, I think most of my guest would excuse it from being "tacky" because of the timing.

Finally, let's be honest here. Most of the mistresses didn't care about the families they were breaking up. Neither did the husbands for SURE (you will not find me excusing my father for his behavior, by no means!), but I am a big enough person to want my father in my life despite his short comings, so I decided to allow him to attend. He is not escorting me down the aisle at this point, but he will be present. So, my point was that as my dad's mistress doesn't care about me at all, she WANTS to come to the wedding so that the attention is on her, not on me. Despite the fact that nobody there wants to see her (even my father's mother, who thinks he can do no wrong). Now, I'm not saying this about all mistresses, but my father's mistress is a particularly evil brand. This is the third marriage she has broken up, and through comments she has said about me to my father, which he then foolishly shared, I know she has no respect for my feelings. She is a narcissist, who just can't stand the idea of there being an even that has nothing to do with her.

To top it all off, his mistress has aggresively protested that he payed even for part of my wedding (only $800 for his only child folks), so again, I know she has no interest in having a relationship with me.

Please, OP, do what you want. But if it would in ANY WAY spoil your special day, do not suffer through it. Edit: I just thought of this. How does your fiance feel about it? My mother and fiance have an excellent arrangment, as do my mother and I and future-in-laws. My fiance has expressed forcefully that he does not want the other woman there, thinks it would be inappropriate, and has at times wanted to call my father personally and tell him that if that's how he feels then neither of them are welcome (I wasn't ready to make that decision at the time, so I said no). I think how your future spouse feels is pretty important. Hopefully they will have your back no matter what decision you make. But I will say it is very sad that my fiance is the one that has to protect me and stand between me and my father.

GOOD LUCK!

Edited by: communitynameisdumb on May 15, 2010 8:58 PM

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time94am Posts : 42 Registered: 5/16/10
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 16, 2010 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: communitynameis...

Auntofthebride said, "If the two are actually married, then inviting one without inviting the other is flagrantly violating the santity of marriage."

Let's think about this...the woman helped destroy not only a marriage but deeply affected his family, and the bride should be worried about "flagrantly violating the santity of the marriage"?! The hypocrisy is that mistress flagrantly violated a whole lot of sacred trusts.

Reality check. Where in etiquette does it say that such a destructive person who will help ruin the day for the bride, the mother of the bride, and probably several others has to be invited?

Common sense takes priority over etiquette any day. If she were a woman that the father met after the divorce, then the situation is different.

Bottom line: your father made one very bad decision to cheat on his family. Let's hope he learned from his mistakes and will not make you choose between his attending with his mistress -- regardless of her legal status as his wife -- or refusing to come at all. If he's a good father, he'll show up as your father and help make your day special and not indulge in insisting that you endure your special day with someone you despise.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 16, 2010 5:54 PM Go to message in response to: time94am

Dear Time,

"Reality check. Where in etiquette does it say that such a destructive person who will help ruin the day for the bride, the mother of the bride, and probably several others has to be invited? "

It says so in the chapter entitled "Inviting Married Couples To Mixed-Gender Social Events".

The destructive person who ruined the day for the bride, the mother of the bride and several others has a name: "Dad"

If the bride feels strongly that everyone's day would be ruined if Dad and New Wife show up together, then she need not invite them.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 16, 2010 7:51 PM Go to message in response to: time94am

Dear Time,

" Let's hope he learned from his mistakes and will not make you choose between his attending with his mistress -- regardless of her legal status as his wife -- or refusing to come at all. If he's a good father, he'll show up as your father and help make your day special and not indulge in insisting that you endure your special day with someone you despise."

Unfortunately, we can turn all this around.

Let's hope that Daughter will not make Dad choose between attending with his wife and and not attending at all. Let's hope that Dad never makes Daughter choose between attending some event with her husband - regarldess of his legal status as her husband - or refusing to come at all.

If she's a good daughter, she will include Dad's wife, as her new stepmother, and help make his day special without asking him to leave his wife at home.

If Mom is a good mother, she will realize that the divorce had nothing to do with Daughter, and she will not spoil Daughter's day by showing open hostility to her ex-husband's second wife.

"Bottom line: your father made one very bad decision to cheat on his family."

Sorry, but I hear this kind of language all the time. Usually it's from parents excusing the bad or even criminal behavior of their children. "Sonny made one bad decision to sell a kilo of marijuana to an undercover cop, but he's learned from his mistake."

Your language implies that Dad "made one very bad decision" but Former-Mistress-Now-Wife is someone worthy to be eternally despised by his daughter.

Dad made many decisions that led from marriage to Wife #1 to divorce and marriage to Wife #2. Similarly, Mom made many decisions that led from marriage to divorce.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: My Father's mistress
Posted: May 16, 2010 8:17 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Honestly, I wasn't in this situation - but I'd be inlcined to not invite either one of them - Dad or new wife who was the mistress.

I don't really see why she is the only one reviled.

But I see this with parents who divorced and remarried shortly after - even when there was no cheating. And it seems that very few parents act as ADULTS - in this case, adult behavior is putting aside their own issues for their kids. I myself have parents who have acted as adults, so now I appreciate it.

Granted, there was no cheating involved, but even when there isn't - people get crazy.

 

 

 

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