Brides (especially young brides) please listen!

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kaydeegirl Posts : 16 Registered: 3/22/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 2:51 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I definitely see where you guys are coming from..it makes sense, although everyone is different. I have always been mature for my age. I also just think differently from most people on the subject anyways tho.
I am 17, engaged, and will be married at 18. My parents are ecstatic and love him to death. He is 21 and in the Navy, so he has a good income. There are people who think we should wait, but do not doubt our relationship. However, there are also a lot of people who support us. Basically, what I am saying in a very confusing way, is that everyone loves him and thinks we are supposed to get married. They just debate the correct time for such an event to take place. So what do you guys think of that kind of situation?

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VänTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: kaydeegirl

I have several friends who have fiances/husbands in the military. Many of them married straight out of high school, or during their first year of college. My aforementioned failed relationship was to a Marine recruit. Usually the girls' logic goes something like this:

"He has income that can support the both of us. We are guaranteed housing, either on base, or we will be given an allowance to pay our rent if we end up in a place off base. I am eligible for free health care, as the dependent of an active military member. While he goes to work, PT's, or is deployed, I can go to school on base, and recieve an associate's degree in ________. If not there, I can use certain military based scholarships to attend a university near the base. etc. etc. etc."

If it's well thought out, you have the support of your family, and a very strong bond/connection/communication system set up with your partner, then you have just as much of a shot at making it as any other couple getting married.

However, that being said, there are quite a few things you need to take into consideration - the stress of moving from base to base (sometimes from country to country), the endless piles of paperwork (I'm not joking you here. I have a friend who just married her active soldier husband in Korea a few months ago, and she's been filing paperwork for the last two months just to get permission to move over with him, and there is no end in sight), the fact that no matter how hard your husband tries to keep his work life at work, he will bring it home to you & sometimes take his stress out on you, the deployments (if you're already used to the deployments, good on you. But I've heard from several Army wives that the deployments only get harder after you're married, just because you've settled into a routine of being together, and you don't have that same support from family and friends when you're alone on base), having to cope with a sometimes jealous hubby (when a guy is on deployment, he's being hounded by jaded fellow soliders that you're stepping out on him, and he sees pics of you on Facebook catching up with an old friend from high school, all common sense & logic goes out the window), and the list goes on and on. Just be prepared for anything, be ready to fight for your marriage, be willing to go to counseling whenever necessary.

All of the things I've cited in the paragraph above are situations that have happened to friends who are married/were married to military men. Some of them made it through the difficult stuff, and stayed married. Plenty of others separated, or divorced. The divorce rate in the military is extremely high, and it is for a reason: a lot of women go into these marriages not being fully prepared for what they're getting themselves into, and realize they can't handle it. Same goes for the men they married. So you and your FH need to sit and have a talk about this.

My advice for you? Join an online community for military wives. Not girlfriends, not fiances. Wives. Express to them your concerns, ask them how they cope. These women are seasoned veterans as much as their husbands are, and can give you some really insightful opinions to help you determine whether or not you are in a good place to be getting married right now, or if you are better off waiting.

Best of luck, dear.

Ooorah, Hooah, Hooyah (and all that other military mumbo jumbo) *;)

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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nikfurrie1 Posts : 2 Registered: 4/26/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 26, 2010 3:05 AM Go to message in response to: August28th

I am 17 and engaged. Jacob and I have been together since I was 14 and he was 12. I graduated high school a few months after my sixteenth birthday and am in college now. Jacob is still in high school, but we already know we are going to be together forever. We knew it was true love when my doctor thought I was going to die because of my heart condition. He stayed with me the whole time. I was afraid I would go and never see him again. He told me that being with me forever wasn't enough that eternity was what he wanted. I promised him I'd live to be 257. So about two years later here we are happy as ever. I might be to young to get married, but that's okay. We aren't getting married until three or five years from now.
"Its not what they think, its what you know"

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Chantale Posts : 7 Registered: 3/31/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 27, 2010 1:51 AM Go to message in response to: nikfurrie1

nikfurrie1,
I thought I'd speak to you because I know a couple stories that apply to you. When I was 17 I had a boyfriend I had been with for two years. He never actually gave me the ring but he had it and we had promised each other we would marry each other. We ended up breaking up just before he gave me a ring. We were broken up for a year and a half when we got back together. We're now together and happy. We're 20 and talking about getting engaged in a little less than a year.

I know if we had gotten engaged back then, the results would have been tragic.

And think of it this way, your brain is physically not mature enough to tollerate alcohol until you're 23. If it's not ready for alcohol, how will it handle the most serious thing in your life.

My second story is a little more tragic. I had a boyfriend a year ago. He lied to me and told me I was the only girl in his life and the other girl people accused him of being with was just a friend. Then I finally found proof that everyone else was right. We hadn't been together long so it wouldn't have been that bad, had I not known the other girl.

See she got married when she was just 16. Her husband was 18. Both of their families warned them not to get married but they ignored it and got married.

I'm pretty good friends with her husband and his family. He says he knew her better than anyone and he thought he knew she would be his forever. She had supported him thru so many problems he had.

But now instead of sleeping in her husband's bed in their house, she sleeps in my then boyfriend's bed. And he isn't the first for her. She always goes to someone else then just when her husband is ready to leave her, she goes running back for a while. Until he's hooked again and she gets bored.

Please, please don't find yourself in her situation. Please.

With all that said. I am 20 and plan on getting engaged when I'm done college, when I'm 21. I'm still going to be a young bride. And I'm the oldest female in my family, on both my mother and father's side, to get married. There are some marriages I've watched fail. But my praturnal grandma was a week older than 18 when she got married and she has been married for 50 years this year. My mother was 3 months away from her 19th birthday when she got married and she's been happily married for 26 years.

It is possible, but it is also a risk. Be careful!

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: Apr 29, 2010 5:10 PM Go to message in response to: nikfurrie1

I really appreciate everyone who has reiterated my original post and I hope some brides who have been told to wait by family or friends have read this also and have reconsidered marrying before they're ready.

Again, I'd like to mention that yes, usually young brides fall into this category. But any bride can be in that situation where they aren't ready, or with the wrong guy, or at the wrong time no matter their age. Also I believe that marrying young does not mean you're doomed to fail. Just listen to those around you and if no one is saying anything, don't automatically think it' a green light. Be proactive and ask those closest to you if they believe you're ready or if you're with the right person. Then take what they say to heart.

I also have noticed that marrying young may be a family or regional thing. In my family, I am the oldest of my cousins or aunts (with the exception of one who has never married) to get married. I was 22. Those aunts are still with my uncles and my cousins now have been married 10+ years and have beautiful families and marriages. I have a cousin getting married this summer and he's my age, 23. Most (by most I mean like 85%) of my high school friends were married a year or more before I was or have been married shortly after. I know of 3 other couples (6 people) from my h.s. class that got married the same year I did. So it may be totally normal in one region and completely absurd in another. I just don't think you should get married young, just to get married. Wait until it's right, if you're young great! If you're not so young, great! Like a PP said, maturity is what's really important.

However, being 17 and engaged to a kid who doesn't even have his driver's license is ridiculous. Sorry to be blunt, but I remember 15 year old boys, and I would NEVER want to be engaged to one! Or be planning any kind of future with one. Like a PP (I think it was Kelley) said, be a teenager! Worry about the ACTs and plan your prom, not your wedding. Pull all-nighters and go skinny dipping with your girlfriends. Let him be able to drive you on a date! I really hope this post was a joke!

:)


True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

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AyeshaandAndre Posts : 10 Registered: 11/3/09
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: May 1, 2010 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

Okay, I really understand where you're coming from. And the two teenagers above are, IMHO, way to young to be considering engagement not to mention marriage. That all said I do have to add some caution here. A few weeks ago my FH's mother told him not to marry me. It had nothing to do with how good a wife I would be to him or how happy he is with me, and everything to do with my not being Chinese. Sometimes when a person you love thinks they are acting in your best interest, they are only thinking of things from their own perspective. Fortunately, after a lot of thinking and fighting, my fiance decided that his heart lay with me and he has told his mother he is marrying me and she appears to have come around. Yes, you should listen when the people you love say maybe this person isn't the man/woman for you, but you also have to consider their motives for saying this. In the end, only two people get to make this decision; you and your fiance.

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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: May 1, 2010 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: AyeshaandAndre

Ayesha, I totally agree. If someone is telling you (or your SO) not to marry because of some prejudice or personal dislike for the person, that should be taken with a grain of salt. I'm saying if others say you're not ready to be married then to listen then. If--as in your case--someone doesn't want you to marry because you're a different race or something like that that doesn't (or at least shouldn't) matter then that person needs to put their issues aside and be supportive.

I really hope your FMIL learns to accept and love you as her DIL no matter if you and her son are different races. And kudos to your FH for siding with you and sticking up to his mom. That says a lot about a man and will be a precedent in the future when dear ol' MIL wants to stick her nose and opinions into your marriage.

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

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ChrisBride Posts : 33 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: May 1, 2010 9:44 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

I completely understand where most of you are coming from and agree that there are a lot of people out there (any age) that are considering marriage and reallly SHOULDN'T! I know when I originally read your post I felt almost like you were attacking young brides (and I am in this category), but after walking away and reading the numerous posts from other brides I see that you are trying to give us advice and maybe stop us from making a BIG mistake.

All of you are correct young brides should definitely consider some things before settling down before they are out of college or under the age of 25. I know I've had my family and friends ask me why I want to get married and why I'm not waiting until after I've traveled, gone back to college, settled on my career, etc. but honestly my fiance and I know we want to build our life together and travel the world together. I know some people say their significant other is their best friend, but truthfully Chris is my best friend he is the one that I confide in, learn things with, and go places with. We fight like any normal couple, but we don't things escalate and we always make sure to resolve issues before it eats us up. Both of us at one point in time thought about breaking up and trying other things, but we realized that we couldn't live without each other. You know that feeling where you can't breathe or think or speak right without having that person in your life whether seeing him everyday or saying goodnight at the end of a long stressful day.

So to all those young brides...Coming from one to another really think about whether or not you and your FH are strong enough to be together. If you are still in high school, what will you both do when college comes and you both are separated? Can you both understand that it will be the two of you forever that no matter what happens you have to push through the good and bad times with that one person? Just remember if you have a gut feeling that somethings wrong you probably are right!

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AshleyZ1 Posts : 4 Registered: 5/2/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: May 2, 2010 8:39 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisBride

Yes, it's never really easy to get married. Me and my FH have been lucky enough to have both his and my parents on our side to guide us. We know that they wouldn't be on our side forever, but at least they have been very supportive ever since we decided to take this new path in life.


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MrsWill2B Posts : 6 Registered: 4/27/10
Re: Brides (especially young brides) please listen!
Posted: May 5, 2010 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: AshleyZ1

Great advice ladies! I am definitely a young bride (currently 20, will be 21 when I get married) and my fiance will be 28. We have been together 2 years (I was 18, FH 24 when we met) and there was a lot of drama because of the age difference of 6 years. My mother was okay with him but my father couldn't see why a 24 year old would be interested in an 18 year old. However, I have always been mature and just will not tolerate any guy my age within a 2-3 year range. Anyways, I was ecstatic to receive my proposal and like most brides-to-be I am nervous as hell about getting married. But we already act as a married couple would so I don't see much changing. But a few of the ladies make a great point about love being blind and I know so many of those who just "couldn't see clearly". But young marriages can work. My first year of college one of my best friends got married (20 and her husband 24) and it didn't work because things were rushed, but senior year one of my class mates got married at 17 and she is still married. So there is some hope but communication is definitely key in my opinion.

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