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Newly engaged, majorly stressed!

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FutureMrsRipley Posts : 1 Registered: 4/20/10
Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 10:53 AM

I'm the brand-new fiance of a Navy sailor, and I couldn't be happier to be his future wife! Now with that said... opposites do attract, and he and I are already having some tough conversations about the who/what/when/where of the wedding planning. I'll try to explain this as best I can:

I have always imagined "my" wedding a certain way, and falling in love with someone with completely different ideas and a different world view has certainly been grounds for some compromising. John and I met online about a year ago; his family is in California, my family and I are in Flordia, and John is stationed in Virginia. He has always wanted to elope; I have always wanted the fairy-tale wedding. We are finally on the same page -- We want to be married by a justice of the peace in Virginia, and then have two small and separate receptions in Cali and FL for our east coast/west coast family and friends. We figure that this will make it "fair", as opposed to having the wedding in one state vs the other, which would mean one person's family and friends miss out. Part of the reason is also because he will be getting new orders in about 2 months, and we want to be legally married at the time he's assigned to his new duty station so that we can be compensated for my move. Then at the same time, we can still plan our public wedding celebrations with not as much rush. His parents understand, but my mother, grandmother and sister are pretty upset, along with one or two friends. I'm very close with my family, especially my mother, sister and grandparents, and they are outspokenly dismayed at not being able to be present on the day I become a Mrs.. They can't afford to travel to the JOP ceremony, and even if they could, my wonderful grandfather is physically unable to travel. I want desperately to involve my family, and I have suggested that we just tack on a 20 minute ceremony to the FL reception, even if it's just for show, so that my family can be a part of that. It would mean a lot to them and a lot to me. For some reason, my fiance is bothered by this. He doesn't want to fall into a pattern of living our married life to please others or being too easily swayed by the opinions and outside pressures from others. I can understand this. But when I try to explain how it much it means to me to have them be a part of it, he gets offended, as if I would rather please everyone than do what's best for he and I. I am so torn... I don't want to send a message to my fiance that I value his feelings least of all, but I also don't want to send a message to my family that "I'm married now, and you don't matter anymore.". How can I explain to my fiance how a wedding ceremony means more to a woman than it does to a man? Help meee!!

Edited by: FutureMrsRipley on Apr 20, 2010 10:56 AM

compromise , unhappy_family_members , disagreement , advice
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VänTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 12:22 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsRipley

Stream the video over the internet during your wedding, so both of your families can watch!

I'm going to post some links on how to do that:

http://offbeatbride.com/2009/11/broadcast-wedding-internet

http://offbeatbride.com/2009/12/broadcast-wedding-internet-2

http://offbeatbride.com/2010/04/broadcast-wedding-internet-3


Hope this helps!

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

advice , disagreement , compromise , unhappy_family_members
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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsRipley

I totally agree with the OP. When you have widely scattered family, someone is going to miss out on major events (and that's just the way it is). You are bending over backwards to appease everyone by having two separate receptions. If being at your ceremony means so much to your family, they will fight heaven and hell to be there (airfares are not all that expensive, and if you want them there so much, perhaps you can help out). For those who absolutely cannot travel, the webcam presents the perfect solution. How would a sham ceremony help, really? They'll all know that this isn't the "real" wedding, which they've already missed. So, it's not like you're even fooling anyone with a "fake" wedding--this is, literally, just a "show." I agree with your FH. Of course, it would be great to be able to please everyone all the time, but there are circumstances where you just can't do it--and this is one of them. When it comes time to choose whom to please (besides yourself!!), then a marriage will do a lot better if you choose your spouse. It's not that you don't care or that your family does not matter. But, once you're married, your spouse IS your family, your first family, and all others come second.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

november_1975 , unhappy_family_members , advice , disagreement , compromise
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 20, 2010 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Along with what myras said, we flew from Richmond VA non-stop to Florida for $100 each. It was really cheap and that was with in the last 6 months.

I was also going to suggest the web streaming idea, but was beaten to it. LOL I have friends who did this.

Good luck! BTW I also agree with myra and your FH in that I don't see the point in a 'mini ceremony'. Love the idea of the delayed receptions though - good plan!

 

 

 

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BlueBoxBlueShoes Posts : 49 Registered: 2/15/10
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 24, 2010 10:11 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I agree with the above posters.

It sounds like your family are looking to control you and your FH. If it is SO important that they would be okay compromising your FH's wishes, they need to travel to Richmond.

There are planes, trains and automobiles. There are buses. Come hell or high water, they can make it to your JP ceremony.

I seriously think two receptions on both coasts is more than generous.

tennessee , may_2012
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FutureMrsKlein Posts : 164 Registered: 5/2/09
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Apr 24, 2010 10:24 PM Go to message in response to: BlueBoxBlueShoes

I agree with the other posters, but if it really means a lot for you to have your family at your wedding, I think you should think twice before giving that up. It is a big step in your life, and imo, it isn't fair for your FH to ask you to give that up. If you are doing JOP for him, he should be willing to have a ceremony for you in front of your family.

may_2012 , tennessee , northern_california , may_2010
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Kimberly212 Posts : 2,211 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Sep 19, 2012 8:00 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsRipley

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wedding , bridal , dress
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jackson132 Posts : 1,662 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Newly engaged, majorly stressed!
Posted: Dec 5, 2012 7:58 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsRipley

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dress , bridal , wedding
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