Weddings!....and Mothers...

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Hope23 Posts : 13 Registered: 12/10/09
Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 3:45 PM

Hi! I've just gotten engaged and me and my fiancee are extremely happy. The planning has gone very well thus far even with the wedding at the end of August.

I was just curious about your personal experiences on planning your weddings and if you've gotten any flack from your mothers?

For example: My mother asked me what my wedding colors are going to be. I let my fiancee pick out a color he wanted and I picked one that I thought would look good with it, our decision came to orange and pink. The girls will wear pink dress and guys will have orange ties and such, and then the flowers will be a mixture between those and some nice creamy colors. Instead of telling me how nice it would be, she scrunched up her face and gave me a look that made me question my own sanity. "Really?" she proclaimed, "Well you're wedding I guess?" as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Me and my mother normally get along very well, but she is really beginning to get on my nerves. I thought this was mine and my fiancee's wedding? Not hers.

Another example: Me and my future hubby decided it would be a neat idea for midnight lunch to have instead of the traditional deli meats, buns, cheese and pickles, to have hot dogs with all the fixings, popcorn and nachos. Its unique and something we know people would enjoy (my mom works for a company and we can get next to nothing prices for all of this). Once again I got the scrunch look as though I'm from a different planet and the "I don't think that's a very good idea", "people would like sandwhich station better".

Are my ideas not as great as I thought they were? I understand my mother just wants to help but she's starting to make me feel like my ideas are crap. Advice?


myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 7:16 PM Go to message in response to: Hope23

Your ideas are just fine. If you want, I can send you numerous pictures of very elegant orange pink weddings (just contact me through my website) to help you make your case. BUT, you don't have to feel like crap just because she disagrees with you. You don't have to agree to let anyone (even your own mother) make you feel bad. Instead, take a calm and mature attitude--"I'm sorry that you disagree, Mom, but I'm confident in this idea, and the decision has been made."


MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 7:33 PM Go to message in response to: Hope23

Aw, hi Hope! Looks like you're going through some pretty typical situations :) I promise you're not alone in this! Weddings will bring out the best and worst in everyone - mom, bff, FH..and yourself as well lol. I think pink and orange are beautiful together and your idea to mix them with creams will be very pretty. It IS your and fh'S wedding but you will never stop recieving unwanted/unneeded advice and opinions from everyone. Sometimes parents like to take their childs wedding to their advantage a little bit :) just let it roll off your shoulders!


VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Mar 26, 2010 8:41 AM Go to message in response to: Hope23

I would just like to point out that I HATE the color orange (don't ask me why, it's just been a deep seated hatred that I've felt since childhood), and even I want a wedding with pink & orange accents, after looking at some pics I found online. It's such a gorgeous combo! Show your mom more pics. You'll sell her on it eventually. Mixing with a lot of creams/neutrals helps.

As far as pleasing Mom? There's a saying on this forum that I've come to really identify with: "Those that pay, make the rules." A.K.A. The Golden Rule. So, if Mom is helping you pay for the wedding, you do need to at least listen to her input, and try to compromise. If you guys are paying for this all on your own, you could do it tie-dye for all I care: it's your day, and it's your choice.

Just remember that your Mom loves you, and that's why she's showing concern. *:) She doesn't want you to like something now, and end up hating it once it's too late to change your mind. If she really starts to wear on you, say "Mom, I love you, and I appreciate all the input you're giving me, but this is really what I want, and unless you have a strong (and well justified) reservation against it, this is what I am going to do."

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)


amdjelly Posts : 48 Registered: 8/7/09
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 6:00 PM Go to message in response to: Hope23

Trust me, I feel your pain. When I first announced my engagement, my mom wanted something completely different than what I wanted in almost every detail. FH and I are paying for it, but we live 1,000 miles away from where we're having the wedding, while she is just a few minutes away. So we took her up on her offer to visit the venue we wanted and have them put us down for the date and send us the contract etc. She had been complaining forever because we wanted to have the ceremony at 6pm, saying it's too hot in the summer at that time of day and we should have it at 8 instead. After adamantly telling her several times that it will be at 6, and citing several reason such as limited lighting for photography for not wanting it at 8, she told the venue to put us down for our date at 8 anyway... Luckily we get the whole day at our venue and we got this corrected. She also has major issues with my dad (they have been divorced since I was a baby), while I am very close to him. She was very upset that I want to follow the tradition of having him walk me down the aisle (which I vetoed right away), and got even more upset when I decided to take him up on his offer to cater the wedding. (He's catered many other events, and is pretty darn good at it. Plus it knocked a ton off our expenses.)

At another point, I had her with my girls and I shopping for bridesmaids dresses 6 months before the wedding, after I had already met with florist, baker, bought a lot of stuff, etc, and she decided that I should change my colors because it "just doesn't look right on my cousin's complexion". My cousin was fine with the original color and generally browns up quite a bit in the summer, so again Mom got told no.

So I guess my novel is just trying to say... it's your wedding, and the major details that you want should have a place in the wedding. It might help though if you compromise with her on little things, for instance I let my mom pick out sparklers for when we leave, and I let her have her way on the seating chart. (Or lack thereof rather, the wedding will be in a pretty rural area and I have personally never been to a wedding where there has been a seating chart. So when she said it wasn't necessary and people would think I'm "putting on airs" or whatever if I had one, I decided to let that one go). After I gave her control over some of the things that didn't matter as much to me, she let up a lot with her criticism.


PinkBear Posts : 83 Registered: 7/23/09
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 6:09 PM Go to message in response to: amdjelly

Be glad your mom is at least interested in the wedding! My mom has been acting like I'm not even getting married (she thinks weddings in general are a waste of money. My parents had a civil service and she never even had a wedding dress)

I went dress shopping with her yesterday and I found my dress and I was getting kinda teary-eyed (along with my MOH) and wanted some kind of emotion/reaction from her, and I got nothing :(

I sent her an email the other day about some inexpensive save the date magnets and invitations to get her approval (if she thought they were nice) and all she had to say was "here is a budget worksheet" or something along the lines of that...and the only thing my parents are paying for is my dress...

By the way, I love your color scheme!
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alymar Posts : 100 Registered: 3/2/10
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Apr 10, 2010 12:52 AM Go to message in response to: Hope23

omg! do I feel your pain! My first fight was with my mom before I even got engaged (we knew it was coming just not when) about me not wanting to get married in a church. she couldn't comprenhend my lack of desire to ever get married inside and that my dad couldn't perform the ceremony if I didn't get married.

My comment was - I always wanted to get married outside in nature since I was a little girl and I don't like any of the church in Albuquerque, I am not keen on the southwest look . My mom didn't speak to me for an entire day and was in tears because she just couldn't understand why I wouldn't want this. My FH were trying to figure out a way of working around this and he suggested Hawaii - we so went with this. I did look at churches because I know of some I like there from a previous trip - but it costs $1500 for 3 hours. I told my mom this and she agreed with the beach.

To note - my fiancee and I are paying for the wedding.

Then came the dress - I picked the one she liked but she liked another one more because it had more clevege cover and was more elegant... I am getting married on a beach and having a casual wedding. She is still dropping hints on why the other one is a better choice. I am not an elegent person and don't want an elegant dress.

Its been so many things we have been having fights with! The last one was my lack of desire to spend the night before the wedding with my family - have an island away and there will be 7 of them in one house - then having to go back to the hotel for the spa day and to get ready. And I don't want to be crowded, I just want to be alone and relax without the stress of a lot of people around me all night. I had to promise her that my FH will not be with me that night, he is so not keen on that. Then it was my dress should stay with her and she would bring it. I absolutly said no on that one. I want my dress with me in my room... Its the control freak in me I think on that one but in seriousness, I will have my dress with me in my FH and I's apartment for months a few more days won't matter.

She just had an expectation of a particular wedding I think. It may be the same. My mom is stuck on the traditions we are bucking with our wedding. Like having my brother stand up for me as my man of honor instead of a maid of honor, she suggested my sister-in-law, whom while I love am not very close to and I had to say no. I wanted the person who has been by myside my entire life and that is my brother. She is still trying to understand this.

Like another said - I let her have the things that aren't the biggest concern. Like our guest list has tripled from 21 people to 60 some to invite people she wants to make sure are invited. We didn't even think of having a cake and now we are getting one. And she had a lot of input on what island we would hold the ceremony and the hotel we chose (she used to be a travel agent).

Sorry for ranting! Been having issues since the beginning on what we want and what
my mom wants. I think she is also having a hard time cause my brother
got married overseas and no one in the family was able to come except
for us and now we are having another odd wedding. My dad is handling it
much better - though he is having a hard time that they don't have the
money to pay for everything and the church thing but he hasn't said
anything to me other then - its your wedding just be happy.

BTW - I was curious on the orange and pnik thing but seeing those pictures I would say WOW that is beautiful and so tropical and fresh! Definitely show the pics to your mom and I would be shocked if she said it was ugly. Those two colours are so beautiful together! I love the idea of the two sides of the party wearing one colour each as well!

As for the bar - it sounds like a lot of fun! Kind of like a movie theater or carnvial table! Maybe just explain that you don't want to be the same as all the other weddings and want it to be more like you and your FH.
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SarahDiamond Posts : 6 Registered: 2/16/10
Re: Weddings!....and Mothers...
Posted: Apr 11, 2010 12:44 PM Go to message in response to: Hope23

This is a common issue but don't let it rip you apart and try not to internalize it. The problem with weddings is that you can't make everyone happy. Someone is going to hate your cake, hate your dress, and hate the venue. Even if the majority of your guests are thrilled with your choices, you just have to know that some poeple won't be.

In terms of your mom and his mom, they will be the most opinionated because they feel that YOUR WEDDING is a reflection of them. The best advice I can give you is to compromise and not on everything but on some things. Also understand that they want to feel included and important.

Prepare for some battles! This is an incredibly happy time in your life but it is also incredibly stressful. Some issues that might come hate his best man, your families are arguing, there are differences in culture or religion, etc. If you know these things going in, you can prepare yourself mentally.

Enjoy your wedding and the planning, don't let anyone rain on your parade and try not to sweat the small stuff!


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