wedding is off

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 11:56 AM

Well I am one of the lucky few that gets to cancel my wedding less than a month before. My fiance told me this weekend that he had been cheating on me for the last couple of weeks with a girl from work and wasn't sure if he still wanted to get married. Stupid me actually told him I could forgive him and that we should still get married but he said he wasnt sure. Then he didn't come home the following night and I found out that he had been over at her house "watching a movie". I am so devestated I don't even know where to begin. All my hopes and dreams and plans for the future have been destroyed. We were together for almost 6 years and he never once cheated or anything else in that whole time. He was always so devoted to me. i am so humiliated and embarrased to have to tell everyone the wedding is off. People were coming from out of town and had already booked their flights and hotels. My parents are losing so much money and we have a townhouse together that I have no idea what to do with! My parents had me come home for the week and they are not letting me talk to him for the week so i can clear my head and figure out were to go from here. I just........I am so freakin lost and hurt. How could he give up on a 6 year relationship for some 22 year old single mom with two kids who sleeps around and who he has only known for like three months?!?! I can't stop thinking of them together and trying to figure out what it is that she has that I don't have. I am sorry this was a pointless post...I guess I just had to vent. Didn't mean to rain on your happy parades guys!!!

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe, Wow! I am so sorry. At least you found out now before you where married.
wedding tickers

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 1:21 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Dear Zoe,

My heart goes out to you.

" All my hopes and dreams and plans for the future have been destroyed."

Your hopes and dreams and plans for the future are NOT destroyed. You hope and dream to be happily married. That's still intact. You can be happily married to another man, one who loves and respects you. Or, you could be happily single and have a fulfilling life without ever being married.

Going through with a wedding to a known cheater would not fulfill your dreams. You would be unhappily married to a cheater, and eventually looking for a divorce.

" We were together for almost 6 years and he never once cheated or anything else in that whole time. "

Never? At least not that you know about. It stretches belief that he would "suddenly" change personality. Maybe he just did not want to get married, and this situation was his escape hatch. Still, you have dodged a bullet.

". i am so humiliated and embarrased to have to tell everyone the wedding is off."

Of course you are. How humiliated and embarrassed would you be to, later, get a divorce and have to tell people you knew about the cheating before the wedding? That would be much worse. You found out, you broke it off, now you can hold your head high. You did the right thing.

" People were coming from out of town and had already booked their flights and hotels."

Yeah, so? Do you think the money I might have spent on a flight and hotel is worth more than your life long happiness? Pfft. Money comes and goes. If I was a guest in such a situation, and heard from the bride, I would tell her "Dump him. Let me worry about my airplane ticket. You worry about yourself and your future happiness.". (Besides, your family might just decide to have an impromptu family reunion instead of the wedding. Heck, you've got the room reserved, the catering arranged...)

" My parents are losing so much money and we have a townhouse together that I have no idea what to do with!"

Forget the money. Forget the deposits. Your self-wrorth is priceless.

About the townhouse: Do you both own it together? Are both your names on the mortgage and title? If so, I suggest you consult with a lawyer as to how best to resolve that. I'll suggest to you that you have, essentially, two options.

1. Sell the townhouse and split the proceeds according to the financial investment each has in it. Who put in what towards the down payment? Who has contributed what to the mortgage payments?

2. One buys the other out. Note that that several things have to happen in this case. The townhouse must be refinanced with a new loan only in the name of the person staying there. The person leaving must sign off on the title. (Usually called a quitclaim deed.) The person staying must buy out the person leaving.

Seriously, you need a lawyer for resolution of real estate issues. You want it locked up tight. I am a moderator on a financial/legal website and have seen many messages about people who split up, but don't get the house refinanced. The ex stays on the loan, and it becomes a huge mess.

(Discuss with your lawyer the possibility of adding the monetary damages of the cancelled wedding to the townhouse settlement. Your lawyer may advise you to keep the townhouse and pay him nothing, You would still have to refi to get his name off the mortgage.)

"........I am so freakin lost and hurt."

Of course you are. You wouldn't be human if you weren't lost and hurt. Again, my heart goes out to you.

'' How could he give up on a 6 year relationship for some 22 year old single mom with two kids who sleeps around and who he has only known for like three months?!?! I "

Because he's an idiot.

" I can't stop thinking of them together and trying to figure out what it is that she has that I don't have."

She has a low toleration for cheaters, that's what. A decent woman would not have entered into an affair with an engaged man. She knows he's been cheating, and stayed with him anyway. You don't have that low tolearation. You have higher hopes for yourself.

Hold you head high. You are doing the right thing. Tell your family and friends. I see no particular reason to avoid mentioning the cheating, if anyone asks. Usually I'm discreet about these sorts of things, but I wouldn't go out of my way to protect this guy. Get unsnarled from joint ownershp of the townhouse. Let your family and friends tell you how much they love you, and then move on with your life.

Ya know... that family reunion idea is not a bad idea. Why not talk to your parents about keeping the party in place, just minus the groom? Wedding receptions often serve as a family reunion venue, anyway. Set up a dartboard with a photo of Mr Cheater in the bullseye. You might get one of those for your own use, anyway.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe,

If I had purchased a flight ticket and booked hotel rooms, to find out six months later (as they are divorcing) that my friend/family member/etc went through with a wedding because of the $ I had put out - I'd be very upset.

What I'm saying is - NO ONE who's planning on coming to your wedding would want you to enter into it with this over your head - their plane ticket be damned.

Your parents OBVIOUSLY want what's best for you - and I don't think he's it.

My half sister got married and six months later he had kicked her out - claiming he knew it wouldn't work before he had married her - he had met someone else that summer. She wanted to know WTH he married her - good question.

At least you haven't already gotten married. (Not saying this isn't hard, but...) The fact that after telling you this he then was over at her place - he doesn't want to get married, he's NOT willing to work on it, etc etc.

Cut your losses (easier said than done).

I'm so sorry this has happened. Truly truly sorry.

(End note - My half sister is happily remarried with three GREAT kids. So it can work out.)

 

 

 

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mrsj2011 Posts : 31 Registered: 10/21/08
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I feel for you. Your better off knowing now then later and having to go through a divorce. I had once called my wedding off about a month and a half before it because he kept lying and going to strip clubs and cheating on me with those girls. Which was had because to me they were just getting paid and didnt care about him like I did. So I know it hurts and you want to know why and how she is better, shes not better though, and its not you its him. Yes you will lose money and when you tell people the wedding is off if they still want to fly in throw your side of the family a party, you could even still pay for the catering and such if you want. If you dont want the catering just do a family get together. Everyone will be happier to spend the money and know you did the right thing then spend it and find out later what has been going on. It is going to be hard to start with but with time you will know you did the right thing. I have not regreted leaving him at all and I am now with someone else and much more happier. This will just take time to get through, its great your parents are there for you.

Edited by: nicij on Apr 7, 2010 2:36 PM

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paralegal05 Posts : 116 Registered: 3/19/09
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe I feel for you and my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is, I experienced this myself about 9 years ago. Like you, we owned a house together and had planned a life together. Our wedding was a month away and I went for my final dress fitting with his mother and sister. After getting to the bridal shop, i realized I forgot my shoes. So I ran back home since the bridal shop was only ten minutes away. When I got home, I heard laughter upstairs. I went upstairs thinking it was just the tv, but no it was him in our bed with a much younger woman! I was devastated! I felt a lot like you.

The aftermath, of course I called off the wedding. I still threw a big party for my family and friends and it was a blast. I titled it "My Independence Party". AOTB gave you great advice as far as the real estate. In my situation, I did not want to keep the house so he bought my portion out.

I know it is difficult now, and nothing any of us says will make you feel better. But you will see, as the days go on, and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into years, you will be much happier and will respect yourself more for walking away and holding your head high!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 3:17 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

I'm so sorry, Zoe. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. You've made the right decision, though, and the pain will lessen in time. The PPs all made good points about finding out before you're married, etc. I know that doesn't feel like much solace right now, but you've SO dodged a bullet! Also listen to AOTB's advice on the townhouse - get it taken care of ASAP so you can cut him out of your life and you won't have to deal with his whining when he realizes that he's been an idiot and has driven away a great woman.

I can't stop thinking of them together and trying to figure out what it is that she has that I don't have.

I know this is easier said than done, but please try not to dwell on it. And she doesn't have anything that you don't have. He's just an idiot.

A good friend of mine could have written this post about five years ago. Like you, it was only about a month or two before the scheduled wedding. Like you, they had been together for a long time, I think 7 years. A few months before the wedding, he decided he wanted to go back to school. She totally supported the idea and they found a great school, about 2 hours away, where he could finish his degree quickly or something like that. Anyway, he moved up there a few months before their wedding and their plan was to alternate visiting one another on weekend until he was finished with his degree and able to move back later in the year. He was staying with some friends of theirs who lived near the school. One day, she decided to drive up and surprise him. When she got to the friends's house, they awkwardly informed her that he had gone camping with another girl. She found out that he had told the friends that they had broken up, and he had been seeing this girl for a while.

I really admired the way she handled the whole thing. Like you, she was distraught for a while - but then a couple weeks later, she started smiling again, and she realized all that she had to look forward to. Think about it: butterflies in your stomach, a first kiss, the thrill of a new relationship, etc, etc. Where is she now? Happily married to a wonderful man and expecting their first child in a few months. I couldn't be happier for her. Where's the ex? Last I heard, he was still working low-paying jobs and 'trying to finish' that degree he should have finished five years ago. I can't help but to giggle. She really dodged a bullet, as have you.

So vent away! I'm very sorry that you're hurting so much, but I'm sure that this is a blessing in disguise. As for the money, don't feel guilty about it. Most people would rather lose some money than see you go through with a bad marriage. If it were me with nonrefundable plane tickets, I'd still go and visit and take you out for drinks. And if it were my daughter whose wedding was canceled and I couldn't get my money back from vendors, I'd still throw a kick-ass party for whoever wanted to come. Consider that idea, and go and enjoy it if you do. It's not very often that family and friends all get together, and having them all in one room is priceless, no matter what the occasion, so make the most of it.


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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Oh no, I'm so sorry!

I know the 'consoling' words that everybody has feel so cliche--"There are more fish in the sea", "You are better off without him", "It's his loss" but trust me when I say that they are true.

I don't believe that there is only one person out there for everybody (How romantic of me...and on a bridal forum.) And even if that was the case--this man was definitely not the person for you.

I hope you find the strength to say 'No' to him. He obviously doesn't recognize the significance of his choices since he had the audacity to 'watch a movie' with her later. He doesn't sound like a man to be trusted. And I have a feeling I will regret his decisions later when he realizes how different his life will be without you.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I hope everything works out with you when you are ready to put yourself out there again. Not all men are scum like that.

Wish you all the best!

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zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. To be honest I still think I am partly in denial. I have to talk to him this coming weekend about the townhouse and I guess I am afraid that a small part of me hopes he will tell me it was all a huge mistake and beg for me back. Sadly enough, I am not sure if I would be strong enough to say no! My mom took my cellphone away so I could spend the week thinking without him bugging me but sadly the only time he has texted me is to yell at me about not feeding the dog before i left and freaking out over how to pay the electric bill because I was the one that paid all the bills. It seems like he is actually mad at me and I just can't understand how HE can be mad at me! I feel like he knew he didn't want to get married but didn't want to be the bad guy so he just kinda pushed until i finally called it off. God and to think I was willing to take him back....I am so pathetic! I don't know which scenerio hurts worse....that this girl really is his soulmate and they live happily ever after or if he threw away our great relationship for some stupid fling that he will regret two months from now and come begging for me back.

The dog was his when we met but I was the one that was always home alone spending time with him so I am really really going to miss him. i know he is just a dog but he didn't do anything to me and always showed unconditional love. I could just use a furry friend right now! The stupidest part is he is mad that I don't want to take the dog but I know if I had taken the dog he would have been just as mad. Except his new girl has two kids and our dog does not do well with kids so I am suspecting he might be trying to get rid of the dog along with me so he can live happily with his new little family.

I am just so scared that I will be alone forever now.....I am not an easy person to live with :( Im just going to end up living with my mommy and daddy for the rest of my life!

Do you guys think its a good or bad idea to move back in with my parents for a while? I know I can't afford the townhouse on my own and the only reason I was living there (about three hours from my parents) was because of him. I don't particulary care for my current job so I wouldn't mind leaving it. I just don't think I should be living alone right now and I know it sounds pathetic but I really just want my mommy!

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:10 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe, you need to do what feels right for you, and believe me, we have ALL had that "I want my mommy!"feeling more than once in life. If you think that staying with your parents will help you for awhile, and it wont negatively affect job, life responsibilities, etc, then do that. Let your family help you and lean on them right now. They love you and thats what they are there for.

Please stop apoligizing for venting on here. This is the perfect place to get your frustrations and sadness out, and we completely feel for you. I also think you are really brave to cancel the wedding and to realize that its the right thing to do even though it hurts like hell, and I know it does.

Everything AOTB said is right on target, including the idea about the family reunion party. That would be really fun actually, especially if people are already planning on traveling. If youre up for it, it could be just what you need, to have a big get together with close family and friends to celebrate New Beginnings.

I know its hard to see now, but this guy is a real jerk who does NOT deserve you. He is with this other woman because he is a jerk, and a spineless one at that. Please try not to blame yourself or call yourself pathetic -- sometimes its tough to see the signs of whats really going on when you are inside of it yourself. Just keep reminding yourself how much more it would suck to find this out after your wedding, and to have to go through divorce and all the many many annoyances of that. I know this doesnt make your pain any less real ... but it might help to think of how much worse it could be. You deserve better. Whenever you want to call him up, please remember that you deserve better. Your life will go on, and you will be happy. Right now this is hard to see, but its true.

Vent anytime. We will listen.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Dear Zoe,

I don't think it's at all pathetic that you want to move back in with your parents. You do need to resolve the townhouse issues, and keep all those bills paid, though.

I actually think it would be a good thing for you to keep the dog. The dog does give unconditional love, and it sounds like your ex-BF's new situation might not be that great for the dog. Can you move in with your parents with the dog? I have two dogs, and love them madly. You are right: the dog did not ask for any of this.

Sure, you feel horrible and wonder if you will ever find love again. That's totally normal.

Everyone has been dumped at some point in their life. I have, my husband has, everyone. I cried buckets, buckets of tears when my boyfriend in 1969 dumped me with a "Dear Jane" letter. I was 15, then, and it hurt like crazy to be dumped by my first real love. (It still hurts!)

But, I survived. I went on to other boyfriends, dumped a couple of them myself, then met The One and got married. The One is still around, sitting in the next room snoring in his recliner chair even as I type these words.

OK, time for a new thread. Look for it right here in this section.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 10:34 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe all the ladies on here have said some good points. I just want to say that I'm sorry :( He is a jerk for cheating! HE is the one that has the problem, not you. I know you think that your world is over now and you will never find a guy again and that you'll end up living with mommy and daddy forever. You think that way now, but give it time because eventually you will feel happy again. It takes time for a heartbreak to heal. You WILL find a nice man one day. One who will love you for who you are. You won't be living at your parent's house forever. But right now it's best just to be surrounded by family and friends that care about you. But trust me, you will feel better again, the healing process just takes time.

 

                           
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Mdwstbabe83 Posts : 10 Registered: 8/12/09
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 10:17 PM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Hey Zoe~
I am so sorry to hear your news. I can't imagine how you're feeling. If you need someone to talk to, I am here. Good luck with everything. You should go on a fun vacation either by yourself or with a group of your best girls and let loose and get your mind off of things.
Hope you feel better! Good luck.
Enjoy your special day, because it's your perfect day to reflect on your love for each other!

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: wedding is off
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 7:35 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

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