6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:16 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Some great advice has been given in this post... please note that it appears unanimous.

For me, I felt stuck in a former relationship because of our pets, our mutual friends, and like you- because of family ties and weakened "outs". Please... reach out and share your original post with them. Even if you feel alone, you are not. Your happiness will greatly trump any weirdness your family may experience with the other family.

PLEASE reach out to your friends. Even though you believe the friendships have been severed, they still care about your well-being. Serious relationships tend to isolate people- in both healthy and abusive relationships, to varying extremes. If you reach out to old friends and tell them your situation, I think you will be very surprised by their love and support. In fact, they will probably be thrilled that you are ditching this jerk.

There is a point of no return in a failing relationship. You can fool yourself into making the relationship last a little longer, but you know deep down you completely lost "it" for good. And no amount of counseling or time will erase the contempt and hurt feelings.

Its safer to call off the wedding for now.. if he's worth your time, he will change drastically and prove it to you; not retaliate. Should he change drastically, you can then go into your marriage feeling assured and happy. This is your last chance to prove to him, and yourself, that you deserve much more.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 12:28 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Terrible story--courageous of you to tell it. I knew parts, but not the whole. I hope and pray that the OP listens to everyone who's telling her to get out.


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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 8:40 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Wow Kelley that's an awful thing that happened to you. I am so glad you made it out okay. It could have been much worse. I'm glad that you have a husband that loves you now and gives you the love that you need.

I REALLY hope this girl listens to all of us and saves her self.

 

                           
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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Thanks for sharing, Kelley. I want to cry every time I read that story. I hope the OP takes it to heart.

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 8, 2010 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

All fantastic posts.

What have you decided to do? Ultimately you are the only one to know what is best for you, and as everyone else posted, I have to agree that I think you already know what you need to do-but its hard! I saw my own mother deal with the exact same situation for 25 years. It very quickly escalated to us kids getting beat for most of our life, well into our teens.

His behavior IS NOT going to change once you get married. People do not change. It will be hard to leave now, but once you do and you meet the right person who actually loves you uncondionally(sp??), you will then realize what it is you were missing. I was in your shoes once, and I mean exactly your shoes. I somehow found it within me to find the courage to tell him to leave and never come back and believe me, it didn't actually take me very long to see how much better I felt once he was out of my life.

My current boyfriend has retaught me to love and passion. He's retaught me those things the last jackass I was with had destroyed. He retaught me to love myself and not be afraid. He taught me that I am worth a million bucks compared to the way I was being treated(garbage) before. I don't have to seek for love, I receive love.

Leave, do it while you can. Who cares about the wedding plans, who cares about the money. What you will get out of it by leaving him NOW vs once you are married and need to divorce is a tiny price to pay, because believe YOU WILL end up leaving him.

Good luck sweety.

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IKnowYourPain Posts : 1 Registered: 4/8/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 8:41 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Sarah,

I really hope that you are still reading this... I really needed to share my experience.

I was married about 2 years ago and I wish I'd cancelled. I'm in the process of finding the best way out of this mess. Let me start from the beginning...

We met, fell in love, quickly became engaged and began to plan our wedding for a year later. In the beginning he was sweet, kind, caring, loving and we worked well together as a team. Shortly after the engagment everything began to change. We started to fight. Not little bickering arguments but massive blowouts with nasty name calling and slamming doors. Now, let me say I'd never really been in a relationship before. I had no idea what to expect. I figured it had to be normal due to the household I grew up in. Then the names got worse and worse. I want from being a b*tch to a wh*re and a worthless sl*t or a useless c*nt. I stuck around Sarah and I sincerely wish I hadn't. He would threaten to cancel the wedding and I would beg him to stay, beg him to change his mind. God help me I had NO IDEA how much worse it would get.

We proceeded with the wedding because I was ashamed (ha! ashamed of cancelling, imagine that!). So much time, money, etc., etc., had been spent on the wedding. I felt like I couldn't make our families lose the money (again HA! I was more concerned with their finances than my own sanity or well-being). I had completely seperated myself from my friends and family. I had no one to talk to about the situation. Well, I did but I didn't want anyone to know the truth so I hid it from everyone. I came from a family with alcoholics and emotional abuse and little did I know I was marrying the spitting image of my father.

He ALWAYS spoke down to me. I did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, took care of the house/ yardwork, animals, I mean everything. Yet I was always told I was useless, worthless, a cheating wh*re, god I could go on forever. Just to preface I have NEVER cheated on him. My job was demanding and I would get calls from the people I work with after hours. Nothing ever happened with any of them and yet I was told I was a cheating slut. Now mind you to this day I continue to be accused of cheating. He is extremely controlling as in he can go out and go snowmobiling or golfing with his friends. If I so much as even comment that I would like to go to lunch with a friend he goes off the deep end accusing me of having a guy on the side. Here's an example: Best friend from high school is getting married in CA this fall, I deserately want to go, we can't afford it, my sister offers to let me use her frequent flier miles for a ticket, she purchases it for me after discussing it with my husband, he doesn't want to go, I tell him I have the ticket and we don't speak for 24 hours. He tells me that he knows I'm a cheating wh*re and that if I even so much as think about cheating on him I can keep my a** in CA. Really nice supportive husband, huh? Oh Lord, this is just the tip of the iceberg...

To focus on the more intense portion of this PSA: Things were rough before we were married then they just got worse. After about 4 months of marriage we had one of our blowouts. He says he's getting a divorce I beg him to stay, I'm afraid of the shame that comes with a quick marriage and even quicker divorce. (Stupid, I know) Things began to get physical, he threw car keys at me so hard that I had bruises all over my legs and arms. He came up to me and put his hands around my throat and said that he was going to kill me. He told me that it was my fault my father died (he committed suicide due to his alcoholism and lonliness, my mother was about to leave him after 40 years of marriage). He said that I drove my father to his death and that he wouldn't let me push him over the edge. I'd felt responsible for that situation for a long time so all I needed was for someone to tell me that I should feel that way and I was gone. Sarah, I still didn't leave and I know I should have.

We've moved on from occasional physical abuse to sexual. He won't take no for an answer. He hasn't raped me, fortunately, but only because I give in. I give in just to make him stop. Just to make him go away. We still get physical with each other. I've learned to punch back, slap back stand up for myself (a joke I know). I'm leaving him now Sarah. Now, after years of hell. Years of my life that I will never get back. Please Sarah, I'm begging you. Get out. Please, you know that you need to. I know that I need to.

If you need anything please PM me. I'm sure that you have an amazing support system at your fingertips that you just need to activate. Please Sarah, please, please, please do what's best for you.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: IKnowYourPain

IKnowYourPain, your story really sucks, and I'm glad that you're leaving him. I hope the OP reads it and takes it to heart. Please keep us posted on how things go. You're absolutely doing the right thing - hold your head high. And please be safe and use all the resources available to you when you leave this guy, because you don't know what he'll try to do to you.

By the way, I know you said that he hasn't raped you, but pressuring someone to the point where they give in just to make it stop IS rape in my book. Just sayin'.

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,285 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Sarah,
Deep down in your "heart" of "hearts" you know what you have to do. Listen to that little voice inside...That's the only piece of advice that I have for you; as everyone else has taken the words from my mouth.

There is a lot of advice given to you buy other women that were in your shoes.

Good Luck and just in case you need one......((((HUGS)))

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MrsSy Posts : 504 Registered: 7/6/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 9, 2010 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: Mrslinnben

Sarah, I hope you read Kelley and I Know your Pain stories and leave your FH. He's treating you like his property and it's going to get worse after the wedding.

Kelley, I cried reading your story. You are very brave. I admire you.

I Know your pain, I'm glad your leaving him. I wish you the best. Keep us post it.

Proud Member of the P.O.O.P.

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 10, 2010 5:22 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Well, the wedding was supposed to happen today, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 10, 2010 10:47 AM Go to message in response to: VšnTillBruden

I really hope that she's called it off - or that she comes to her senses and doesn't walk down that aisle. We'll probably never know.

In the past when we've seen threads like this, one of two things usually happens:

1) We never hear from the bride again. In this case, she's probably gotten married and we can only hope that we were all wrong.

2) We might hear from her in a few weeks, telling us that she called off the wedding at the last minute, has been busy getting her life on track, and this is the first time she's had to update us. We can only hope that that's what will happen in this case.

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that this woman will go through with the wedding against her better judgement. I hope I'm wrong.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 10, 2010 3:00 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I really really really hope that she didnt go through with this.
It makes me feel physically ill to know someone is knowingly walking into this abusive marriage simply because they feel they dont have the resources or confidence to walk away.
Ugh. This is what I hate about message boards. I dont like hearing stories like this and then never hearing from the person again. It worries me. Please come back OP.

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 10, 2010 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I really hope she returns to at least let us know if she went through with it or not, but, I have to agree with ArtBride: I have a very strong feeling we won't be hearing from her again.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 12, 2010 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Well, looks like the OP has disappeared. Anyone taking bets on whether she married the jerk? I'm betting yes, but hoping not.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 15, 2010 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: myras

My bet is yes, though I hope no. To follow up on something PP said about what is/isn't rap.

"but pressuring someone to the point where they give in just to make it
stop IS rape in my book"

In CO, it is rape. Legally. Well, called sexual assault, and there are various methods that you commit SA, and this is one of them. And yes, even if it's someone you were in a relationship with, I've got just such a client in prison right now for that. And no, it does not matter if the person recants later, make the initial statement, the prosecutor will take it from there. There have been some very big changes in SA laws, it isn't how it use to be and it is a very, very serious deal now. As it should be, imo. Oh, and something like that in CO results in a sentence that can end up life. So far, since the change in 1998, VERY few people have been paroled. There was another thread on here talking about statutory rape awhile back. Yes, in CO you get a life sentence for that too.

You get, anywehre from 2-life and up. And, then lifetime registration as a SO, and sometimes if you do get paroled, lifetime parole which results in hugely intensive, and hugely expensive, SO treatment.

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