complaining about your bridesmaids

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:37 AM

I have seen several recent threads with people complaining about maids being "attention-seeking divas," self-centered, "not there" for the bride's obsessive planning, not willing to do everyone's hair, daring to get pregnant just in time for your wedding, blah, blah, blah. Ladies, YOU CHOSE THEM. They didn't suddenly develop different personalities or give up their own lives because you asked them to be in your wedding. Yes, brides, you get to choose the color and the dresses. Other than that, your MOH and bridesmaids have no obligation to do anything other than show up, on time, dressed appropriately. They don't need to throw expensive showers and bachelorette parties. They're not obligated to go shopping, cake tasting, or venue hunting with you. They don't need to be sounding boards for your every idea. They don't need to set up or clean up. They don't have to address invitations or thank you notes.

Sure, it's lovely if all of your friends want to pitch in and help. But they're not employees and they're not slaves. Most modern women are busy with their own families, jobs, and lives. So, get over yourself and plan your own wedding.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:39 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Cheers!

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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Amen!

I, as a bridesmaid, try to be as helpful as possible, but I do not feel obligated to do these things. I do them because the bride is my friend, and I want to be a part of making this day one of the best of her life! However, that said, I will be the FIRST to tell the bride when she is expecting too much of me, that her behavior is out of line, that she is offending people, and/or she needs to calm the f*** down. Thankfully, most of my friends have kept their bride-a-tude in check, though I've had one or two who have become real drama queens.

So, let me spell this out for anyone expecting their bridesmaids to drop everything for a wedding cake tasting (which by the way, you should be doing with your FH, not your girls):

My only obligations as a bridesmaid are to buy the dress you've picked out for me (by the deadline you've set for me; if I haven't bought it, and you're stressing, that's a different issue), wear it, stand for you during your wedding, and take some pretty pictures with you before the reception. I am not required to throw you a shower (though I may offer to, if we're close enough), or a bachelorette party (again, I may offer, if we're close enough), and I have no intention of tolerating bridezilla behavior when it comes to my being supportive or not. Technically a Maid-of-Honor has more responsibility than a bridesmaid, but you also shouldn't be harassing them either, about these same "obligations".

NOTE: There is nothing wrong with asking your girls for help. You want help DIYing your centerpieces? Awesome. Order a couple of pizzas, grab some margarita mix, and have the girls over for a night of crafts and fun. But if a girl says "Sorry, I had to pull a double shift last night, and I'm exhausted", you do not have any right to call her a bad friend, a lazy bridesmaid, non-supportive, or all of the above.


Myra, you rock. I've been wanting to vent about this, and you beat me to it! *:D

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 12:24 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Well said, Myra!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Amen, Myra.

My MOH, who had a very busy and challenging job that required a lot of her time? Still very, very busy during the wedding planning.

My bridesmaid, B, who is always financially strapped due to a low paying job and two kids? Still had a low paying job and two kids (and a lot of stress) during my wedding planning.

My bridesmaid M, a great preson, but can also be unpredictably testy and overly self-involved? Still exactly the same way during my wedding.

I'm astonished that women think that someone else will change personalities for them because they are bridesmaids. I can honestly say that everything I've done for the bride, the 3-4 times I've been a bridesmaid, I did because I was a friend.

Being a bridesmaid doesn't automatically change a person from being the exact type of friend they've always been to you. Period.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Bravo, Myra!!

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 10:31 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Hi all, I'm the one who asked her bridesmaid to do her hair, and have officially gotten the message, TWICE (on the thread I started and on this one), that I was being unreasonable with my request.

As a bridesmaid and a friend of brides, I've glue gunned, glitter sprayed, bustled, hosted, celebrated, and have a closet full of dyed shoes and hideous dresses that I had to work overtime to afford. I've done this all in the name of someone I care abouts "big day." Is it unreasonable to request that my bridesmaids approach my own wedding with the same enthusiasm that I've had for them and other friends? Yes. I'm coming to understand that what I consider to be the appropriate amount of helping spirit is not the same as everyone elses, lesson learned.

I can't speak for all the bridesmaid bashers who have started other threads, but as a possible defense for some of us- if you have put yourself out there to help a bride in a way that was above and beyond the call of duty, it can be confusing when people don't want to do the same for you. Also confusing: when a friend who's exchanged favors with you for years doesn't want to help you with something, especially when it seemed like it would be right up her alley.

Don't get me wrong, I understand where the objection to the hair thing came from, and thank you all for explaining it to me (some of you were really nice about it too) but I do think it needs to be said that some brides (for example: ME) aren't actually selfish maniacs completely out of touch with the reality of our relationships with our bridesmaids, we just need a small reality check for some specific situations.


"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:38 PM Go to message in response to: SMGray

Dear SM,

" Is it unreasonable to request that my bridesmaids approach my own wedding with the same enthusiasm that I've had for them and other friends? Yes."

Sadly, yes, the answer is "yes".

People can only do what they voluntarily offer to do. You, out of the kindness of your heart, have volunteered a great deal to friends in the past. Great, wonderful.

Someone else may not want to volunteer that much. They might want to do much less. They have a right to volunteer exactly what they want to do, and not more. The fact that you volunteered a lot in the past is irrelevant.

Look at it this way. Let's say you give a friend a very expensive birthday present. You have the money, you have the time to shop for and buy something really beautiful and expensive. Let's say the friend does not have that kind of time and money to reciprocate with something that expensive. Let's say the friend can only afford to make you a plate of homemade brownies. You gave her a Waterford crystal lamp and she gives you brownies.

Should you be resentful? (Yes, you are resentful; you are only human.) But should you try to get over it? Yes, you should.

You did what you did in the past, and you feel good about having done that. Great. You are now faced with a situation here in the present. Pound your pillow, talk to your teddy bear about how rotten people are, stomp around in your room, then come out, smile serenely and dive back into your own wedding planning.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:52 PM Go to message in response to: SMGray

SM... you didn't ask your BM to do EVERYONE's hair, just yours. And mostly the confusion for you was the following:

1. She is your stylist. One would think that your stylist would be the one you'd go to for wedding hair
2. She has done weddings before while she was also serving as a bridesmaid
3. She was offended when her SIL didn't ask her to do her hair.

So you had ample reason to both ask her to do your hair AND be confused when she turned you down.

I have no complaints about my bridesmaids...they were all wonderful. They came and worked on my wedding reception decor (and actually went toe to toe with my dad to get something done the way I wanted it, so I didn't have to have a fight with my dad the day before the wedding). Granted, one apparently has a clock issue that I didn't know about (she lives in another town so I almost never see her in person. Had I known about it, I would have adjusted things accordingly, like telling her I wanted her ready 30 minutes before I wanted her ready <G>)

Misty

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:45 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Good point Myras. But what would you do if you have a bridesmaid who won't give you an answer when you ask her when she is planning on ordering her bridesmaid dress? That's all I'm asking from her. I don't expect anything else from her. I just want her to show up in her dress, but yet there is no dress yet....

 

                           
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VšnTillBruden Posts : 353 Registered: 1/16/10
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:20 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Cheetah, I actually touched up on that in my post. Part of my obligation as a bridesmaid is to show up, with the dress you picked, within the deadline you set for me. You have every right to nag at me if I am being a flake, with no excuse (or really lame excuses).

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I need it the most. (Swedish proverb)

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: SMGray

As a bridesmaid and a friend of brides, I've glue gunned, glitter sprayed, bustled, hosted, celebrated, and have a closet full of dyed shoes and hideous dresses that I had to work overtime to afford. I've done this all in the name of someone I care abouts "big day." Is it unreasonable to request that my bridesmaids approach my own wedding with the same enthusiasm that I've had for them and other friends?

It's very nice of you to offer to do all those things, but they're not required. That would be you going 'above and beyond' your responsibilities. That's nice of you, but not everybody has the time, craft skills, or wants to help with everything. Your enthusiasm might have something to do with your stage in life, as well. When I was younger and hadn't been involved in so many weddings, I was eager to help however I could. Now, having done it many times, including my own wedding, I want to be involved as little as I can possibly be without hurting my friend. I will listen politely to wedding talk for 20 minutes tops, but then I will change the subject because it's boring and tedious. I will offer to help with one special project (note that I will bring a bottle of wine), but if she bugs me to help with everything, I'll make up excuses. It's not that I'm not happy for her - but I simply have a busy life and prefer to spend my free time with DH or doing activities that I enjoy, rather than helping with every wedding task under the sun.

I understand why you're a little disappointed, but yes, I do think it's a little unreasonable to expect the same level of enthusiasm from your BMs. Before you asked them to be in the wedding, you knew their personalities and probably had a pretty good idea of what they have going on in their lives. I can see why you were surprised by the hairstylist BM, but like you said, you've had your reality check (which is really all you needed - I don't think you're a crazy bride at all. I just think you needed an outside perspective, as we all do sometimes). But it shouldn't surprise you that a busy woman is still busy when you're getting married, that someone who doesn't like making phone calls still doesn't call you often, or that non-crafty girls don't develop sudden likings for ribbon and tulle. (Just random examples, not based on anything you've said).

As for the dyed shoes and hideous dresses, how old are you? I'm 29, have been a BM or MOH in a bunch of weddings and never have I had to wear dyed shoes. I didn't think people actually did that anymore. Nor do I think contemporary BM dresses are all that bad, either. I've gotten to pick my own 4 times, and the ones I didn't get to pick certainly aren't hideous. They might not be the color I would have chosen for myself, but most brides these days do a good job picking a flattering dress for their BMs. Or perhaps I've just been lucky with every wedding I've been in. Or your friends are particularly spiteful and want their BMs to look terrible.

My BMs were great. My chronically late friend was still always running late (took that into consideration when planning the wedding day), my MOH still lived far away, life still went on and one of my BMs moved out of state a few months before the wedding. They did what they could and really did more than I expected from them, but all the planning, DIY projects, addressing invitations, appointments, etc were done by me and DH, since it was our wedding, not theirs.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 9:57 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Cheetah, have you given her a deadline? Has that deadline passed? Say I'm a BM and I'm told to order my dress by May 1st. I'd be a little annoyed if the bride was bothering me in early April, as I still have plenty of time to get it done before the deadline she gave me. If I'm not given a deadline, I won't really know when I need to order it. (Personally, I'd probably just order it and get it out of the way, but some people don't have the extra money to do that and might need extra time to save) If you haven't given her any direction on when to order it (other than 'soon'), then how would she know that it seriously needs to be ordered? If the you've given her a deadline and it has passed, you're totally right to be annoyed with her and it's time to take some sort of action.

So...if you haven't given her a deadline, do so now. Give her at least two weeks, not some outrageous deadline like tomorrow. Make it clear that all BM gowns must be ordered by that date, and if anybody has not ordered theirs by that date, they cannot be in the wedding. Then follow through. If she hasn't ordered it, she's out. That's her choice, not yours. You cannot make her order her dress. You have two choices: give her a deadline and see if she meets it (if not, then she's out), or order (and pay for) her dress for her.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 11:49 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Haha, I'm only 23, but every wedding I've been in has involved matching shoes. I think they're gross (sorry to anyone who's dying their shoes). I have fuscia, lavendar, "tiffany blue" (I went to 3 weddings that summer that had that as a color, one I was in) and peach. I don't know why I haven't gotten rid of them, but I don't wear them, ever!

"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: complaining about your bridesmaids
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: SMGray

OMG, I had no idea that anybody dyes shoes anymore! What is wrong with your friends and why hasn't an intervention been staged? ;)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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