6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......

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NicoleN1101 Posts : 44 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 4:05 PM Go to message in response to: wdubin

1. Tell your family what's going on. You'll need their support!
2. If you live together, pack whatever stuff you can, hopefully with the help of your now informed family
3. Call off the wedding and the relationship... and get AWAY!
4. Seek counseling to repair the damage he's already done, and save any future relationship you might have with someone who really truely does love you

Good luck, I've been there, it sucks, but there's much better out there I promise!
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane!

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MilfordandGauvain Posts : 1 Registered: 4/5/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 5:12 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

I am really sorry you are going through this right now. It is scary, stressful and hard to see a way out. I should know because I called off my first wedding. Fortunately, it was five months before our wedding day, not six days. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was the best decision I have ever made in my life. I have never regretted it. Was it embarrassing?--yes, but the short term embarrassment was better than marrying the wrong guy. After I called it off, I was stunned by the number of women who confessed to me that they wished they had called off their weddings, too. They said over and over: "I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle."

I was also shocked by the number of women who admitted to me that they had once been married for just six months (or sometimes less) and then quickly got divorced...In most cases their own children didnt know about their short-lived first marriages. I decided to write a book about it and learned a couple of things that you might find helpful. I interviewed hundreds of women who walked down the aisle knowing it was a mistake, this is what I learned:

  • Dont ignore your gut feelings
  • Dont let your friends or family talk you out of what you ALREADY know is best for you
  • Dont worry about the money--that is a temporary problem
  • (One women I talked to lost $40,000 by cancelling here wedding and she still didnt regret it!)
  • The problems in your relationship will not get better, they will get worse
  • The women who called off their weddings did not regret it. The women who went through with their weddings DID regret it.

How do you call off your wedding?
  • Imagine telling just one person
  • Think about a friend or relative you can trust/rely on and tell them you need their help
  • Dont confuse the details of canceling a party vs cancelling a relationship
  • You can cancel the relationship and you can have your friends or family members help you cancel the party
  • Seek out the advice of a non-judgemental clergy member or therapist if necessary

You can do it! The people who love you and care about you want what is best for you. Your famiily NEEDS to know how mean he is. They can divide up the duties of cancelling the wedding party and you can handle the end of the relationship. You can visit my website for more information, www.coldfeetpress.com. Good luck to you!!!

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AJLM Posts : 49 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Run. Don't look back. And do so immediately.

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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 10:33 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Get out now! This guy absolutely does not deserve you. Someone who truly loves you would never talk to you that way. He will not change with marriage. It will only get worse and the emotional abuse could very well develop into physical abuse. I know it might be hard to call off the wedding, but this is something you have to do. No one will blame you. Find someone you trust who can help you through this. Maybe a family member or close friend. Have a plan in force to get. Find someone you can stay with. As others have said, pack your things up while he is gone and leave. Bring what you need and have someone else go pick up the rest of your things later. You may lose money on your deposits, but I can guarantee that you will not regret your decision. Maybe you don't think you deserve better than this because he has ruined your self-confidence, but you deserve so much better. I would absolutely tell your family. You have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrased about. This is not your fault. Maybe you won't want to go into details about everything he has done right away, but clue them in to what is going on. Once you leave him, please seek couseling. Professionals will help you regain your self-confidence and help you through this difficult transition. Please keep us posted. I will be praying for you. You are doing a courageous thing, and I know this is not an easy decision.



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SarahR Posts : 2 Registered: 4/4/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Hi everyone,
It's me again....still unsure of what to do. I do appreciate all of the wonderful advice that you are all giving me, but a lot of you are telling me to "pack my things and leave". That is kind of hard to do when I own the house that we live in, I bought it before we got together & he moved in with me. Also, I have no support group, I no longer have any friends. As far as my family goes, some of them have known his family for a very long time & are really good friends with some of his families friends also, which makes it VERY awkward.
I am feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions right now, and it has been extremely tough being at work feeling this way. The clock is ticking, and peole at work are well aware of that, they are all Congratulating me & saying "you must be so excited".......If only they knew.
I just put on the best happy face I can come up with, even though deep down I feel like bawling my eyes out & I am scared s#*%less!
Lastnight he came home & jumped in the shower, as he got out I asked him for a kiss, he just walked right by me & said "the game is on" I have to ask him for affection & then when I do, he doesnt reciprocate. Then when we are sitting on the couch, he completely ignores me, as a matter of fact, most times when we are home he ignores me....It's like I am not even there, only when he needs me to get him dinner or write out his bills for him or something.....Seriously. Where is te love in that?
I love him, I really do. But I just dont feel the love back. I shouldnt have to beg him for a hug & a kiss & then not even get one anyhow, and the rare times that I do it's just a peck, sometimes even on the cheek. He used to give me a hug every day before I left for work, for a long while now.....nothing.
I just dont know if I can go the rest of my life wanting him to show me he loves me.
I still dont know what to do :0(

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agd1017 Posts : 464 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Ok, pack up HIS things, and kick him out. If you are afraid of his reaction, do it while he's at work, and have his things outside. Call the police and explain the situation and that you are scared of his reaction. They will send an officer to be there when he gets home from work. Get a restraining order. Obviously these things don't always work, but he will get the picture.

The bottom line is, you should not marry a man who treats you this way. It will not change after the wedding. My mom has been married for almost 30 years who beat her and emotionally abused her on a regular basis. Only last year, when he was arrested for his 3rd DUI and spent several months in jail, did he change his behavior. He is a completely different person now. But this is not the norm- most men (or women) who treat their significant others this way do not change. They only get worse.

It's "only" emotional abuse right now... what happens when it escalates to physical? And what if you bring children into this marriage? What if he treats them that way? Or teaches them to teach you (or anybody else) this way?

Yes there will be some awkwardness between the families. But that will pass. This is your LIFE, get with it and get away from him.

Amanda and Eric
10/10/10

Amanda and Eric

 

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TheeBride Posts : 130 Registered: 1/17/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

This is really, really sad because you already know what you 'should' do. I hope you find the courage to leave this man, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve way more than what you're settling for. If you had a daughter and she was in your situation, what would you give your life for her to do?

If you're afraid he'll get physical with you, have someone with you. Let him pack some things and find somewhere for the night, then you guys can arrange a time for him to get the rest of his belongings...again, with someone else present. I'm sure your family will understand, even if they are friends with some of his family members. I doubt they're close with him, especially since he doesn't have time for you...they won't miss him, and neither will you.

Good luck, please let us know how things work out for you.

"I carry your heart with me, I carry it in
my heart. I am never without it, anywhere
I go you go, my dear..."

E.E. Cummings

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SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 11:08 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

You really need to talk to your family, or whatever support system you have, about this. It doesn't matter how connected the people in your life are to him and his family, it is him who is behaving inappropriately- not you. I hardly think that your parents or the people who watched you grow up will fault you in this situation, so please be honest with them about what's going on. The people in your life who love you (and I'm sure there are lots) will know more about you than all of us do, but it seems that given the situation your describing, anyone who cares about you would be giving you the same advice: end this relationship immediately.

The PP who said to pack his things and call the police if you're afraid is right. If you talk to your family about this, put together an exit plan with them so you don't have to involve the police, but get this guy out of your life. There is no reason why you should live with fear in your relationship.

If he's emotionally abusive or degrading towards you, if you're afraid of him and his temper, it is more likely than not that the abuse will escalate in the future and you should end the relationship before it does. I dated a man who was abusive for 2 years. For the first 20 months of those 2 years, he never laid a finger on me. We got in horrible arguments, he made nasty comments about my weight, refused to meet my family, talked badly about all of my friends, and somehow had me convinced I was lucky to have him, but he didn't hit me. About 4 months before we broke up, we had the fight that changed things. I don't remember what it started about, but when I went to leave the room he grabbed both of my arms and shook me. It was so hard that I had bruises and when he let me go I was disoriented and fell. After that fight, every argument got physical. I was embarrassed to tell my friends and family about it, but eventually I opened up to one of his friends. His friends turned out to be my saving grace. They're good guys who treat the women in their lives properly, and they intervened on my behalf. They retrieved all the important things I needed from his apartment, and aside from a bunch of angry voicemails which eventually stopped, I never saw or spoke to him again.

It doesn't always go as easy as it did for me, but you need to take a step towards leaving him, no matter how hard it feels. Rally the people who care about you, make a plan, and get him out!


"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison

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mrsj2011 Posts : 31 Registered: 10/21/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 7:31 AM Go to message in response to: SMGray

Talk to your family about this right away they really need to know what is going on. Im sure they would not want you to go through with this marrigae. It doesnt matter how close they are to his family, they are your family first and will care about you more. Im sure if his family knew what he was doing they would not approve of it either.

Big sign when people are asking if your excited and its this close to your wedding and your not that should say something to you, your gut is telling you what to do. Like others said pack up what you can of his stuff while he is at work put it outside change the locks on the doors and go stay somewhere else for a few nights with family. Then when he cools down a little let him get the rest of his stuff but make sure someone is with you or have some of your family go over there if you do not want to be around him. As far as no friends anymore, is there anyone you were really good friends with, any way you could call them and tell them you know you havent been friends for awhile or whatever happened but tell them that you could really use them right now and want to get that friendship back together. Im praying you choose what is right and that everything will work out for the better.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:53 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Hun you need to kick his butt out!! If you won't do it then I will go over there and straighten him out! Ok not really, lol, but seriously you are hurting right now and this jerk is treating you like crap! Why in the world would you want to stay with someone like that? You say that you love him, but come on now! He doesn't love YOU. I know it's going to be hard to break up but it's the best thing you will ever do in your entire life! You have to have someone to talk to about this who can help you. Who cares if your family is friends with his family, your family cares more about YOU than they do to his family, I am sure of that. If the house is under YOUR name then you have every right to kick him out. Get a restraining order if you must. You need to call off the wedding asap before it gets any closer. PLEASE do this. You wouldn't want to be miserable for the rest of your life would you? Please listen to ALL the ladies on here. They know what is best. They have lived through similar situations.

 

                           
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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Sarah, you know what you need to do. I know it's hard, but you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you get married in a few days. You're just making excuses, and none of them are worth committing to a life of misery.

Look, you KNOW that you don't want to marry this guy. You know this isn't right. Love him or not, this isn't a loving relationship and it won't be a loving marriage. And you know it. Nothing that you've posted here or that might be running through your head is a good reason to go through with a wedding if you have ANY doubt in your mind - and you KNOW THIS IS WRONG. You're not wondering whether you'd be making a mistake if you go through with this - you know you are.

So you own the house - even better. Pack HIS stuff, kick him out, change the locks, and file a restraining order if you need to. There are plenty of resources for women who want to get out of a bad relationship. So you don't have a good support system - that will make it harder, but you still need to do what's right for you. Did you have a close friend before this man destroyed your life? Call her. Even if you haven't talked in years, a true friend will be glad to hear from you and will not let you marry this man. Heck, I don't even know you and I don't want you to marry this man! Regarding your family, it doesn't matter how close they are to him or his family. Nobody who loves you will want you to go through with this wedding if they knew the truth. If nothing else, please call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. You can call 24/7 and talk to a counselor who can help you evaluate your relationship and give you some good advice.

From their website:

Does your partner:

  • Embarrass you with put-downs? YES! From the sound of it, the only times he talks to you are to put you down!
  • Look at you or act in ways that scare you? YES! You are afraid of how he will react if you end it. You've witnessed angry outbursts at yourself or others.
  • Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? YES! You don't have any friends anymore!
  • Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? YES, YES, YES! You have no friends of your own and he's 'infiltrated' your family members, making you think that they'd all be on his side, due to their ties with him and his family. Not true!
  • Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
  • Make all of the decisions? Sounds like it. At least, you're afraid to make the one decision that you know you should make.
  • Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children? N/A
  • Prevent you from working or attending school?
  • Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it? YES! ABSOLUTELY YES!
  • Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
  • Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
  • Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
  • Force you to try and drop charges?
  • Threaten to commit suicide?
  • Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes' to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship
.


You've already answered YES to more than one of these questions, which raises some serious red flags. And the ones you haven't answered yes to - in all likelihood, they're just around the corner if you go through with this. To marry this guy would be the biggest mistake you'll ever make. You've already said that you don't want to live like this, so WHY, OH WHY would you even consider walking down that aisle?


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

It's me again....still unsure of what to do. I do appreciate all of the wonderful advice that you are all giving me, but a lot of you are telling me to "pack my things and leave". That is kind of hard to do when I own the house that we live in, I bought it before we got together & he moved in with me. Also, I have no support group, I no longer have any friends. As far as my family goes, some of them have known his family for a very long time & are really good friends with some of his families friends also, which makes it VERY awkward.

Sarah, YOU DO KNOW WHAT TO DO--you're just afraid to do it. I understand, it does take courage to stick up for yourself and deal with the embarassment, financial loss, questions, loneliness, and all of the other fallout that you will deal with. But, you know that you have to get out of this relationship, and you know that anything you go through now is going to be lightweight stuff, compared to what you will go through if you marry this guy.

You own the house? Great--make him leave. Call the police, if you have to, and have them stand by while he packs his stuff. Call your family. Their first loyalty has to be to YOU, not him and not their friends.

You have no friends anymore???? Why is that? could it be that this relationship (both his behavior and your behavior in accomodating him) could have driven friends away?

Breaking up will be "awkward"? Yes, it will be. So what? It's your choice as to what your next move will be. But, please, don't say that you don't know what to do.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 2:31 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

On second thought, I'm not done here. Sarah, you're on the brink of standing up for yourself, but you're afraid to do it. The first step will be the hardest one to take, but once you tell somebody the truth, you'll feel so much better. Let's break this down:

Fundamentally, you are not happy. That's the simple truth. And if you're not happy in your relationship for whatever reason, you shouldn't get married in a few days. All else aside, you are not happy - and if a bride is cringing on the inside, she shouldn't be walking down the aisle.

So take the first step. Admit to yourself that you do not want to marry this man on Saturday (or whenever). Even if you're unwilling to give up on the relationship yet, recognize that the time isn't right. If it was right and he was right, you wouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling right now. So postpone the wedding and ask him to go to premarital counseling. Nobody will fault you for postponing the wedding until you're sure.

What's the worst that will happen if you postpone the wedding? Well, you'll be out the cost of the wedding, but you can always earn more money. If you get into counseling as a couple and he makes some fundamental changes in how he treats you, you can still get married later on. So at best, you're out a few thousand dollars now, you get into counseling and fix your relationship problems, and you get married in a few years. At worst, he refuses to go to counseling - but at least you'll know that you did everything you could. And you're not stuck married to him.

Honey, whether you call off the wedding and end the relationship completely or you postpone the wedding and ask him to go to counseling and he refuses, it is not YOU that is ending this relationship. It's all him. None of this is your fault, nor would it be your fault if you ended it. Anybody who tells you it's your fault is a worthless scumbag liar, your boyfriend included. HE is the one who ruined the relationship and HE has ended it. HE has created a world of misery, and you are not to blame for walking away from it. If you go into this marriage, however, knowing that it will be miserable - well, that is YOUR fault, and you're the one who has to live with it.

Personally, I think you should pack his stuff, leave it on your front lawn, change your locks, and never look back. (also know that you can call your local police department and they will have a cruiser drive past your house every few hours to make sure everything looks Ok. When DH was a cop, his department used to do that all the time for women in exactly your situation) You seem like a lovely, intelligent woman who has simply lost all confidence in herself and in her own ability to know what's right. So listen to me, and all the other lovely and intelligent ladies here: This is not right. At the very least, postpone the wedding, give yourself more time to make this decision, and seek counseling, both for yourself and as a couple.

The first step is to tell someone and to postpone the wedding. Once you've done that, you can go in any direction. I know it's hard, but if you'll admit nothing else to yourself, please admit (and even more importantly - TAKE ACTION!) that you should not be getting married to this man this Saturday.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Sarah.... here's something I just learned last week when I refinanced MY house. My HUSBAND had to sign three papers. I could not refinance without him as it was legally HIS homestead now. I trust and love my DH, but I was perturbed by this because I've owned this house for 11 years and paid all of the mortgage payments...and suddenly I can't make a solo decision on it. When I'm ready to sell it, he has to sign off on it.

Today, that house is yours. You make all the decisions regarding it. Marry him, and your asset, your shelter, becomes a marital asset (unless you've prenupped it). Kicking him out becomes harder as it is HIS homestead. Right now he just lives there, and the law does not recognize him as an owner of the property. When you say "I Do", it does.


Kick his apathetic, unfeeling ass out. He is using you. Using your good graces and making you feel like you do not deserve any better than what he gives you. I have to beg my DH to back off so I can walk <g>...he wants to hug me all the time and kiss me. I cannot imagine him ever refusing me affection. If I'm in the kitchen and he is in the bedroom and I whisper "I need a hug" he comes running.

And you're certainly not going to get any affection from him later. He is using you. And he is making you feel like you should be grateful for what you've got. He's wrong. You deserve better.

Misty

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 7, 2010 8:57 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Sarah. PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. Every single day that you stay with this guy is another day, another hour, another minute, that you lose yourself, until you completely disappear. This is what abusers do to their victims. They break you to the point where you no longer have the strength, desire, energy, or self-worth to try and leave; and then you become like an object to them, and that is one of the saddest things anyone can see.

Your "fiance" WILL continue to abuse you emotionally, and things with him will be 10x worse when you are married, and also, much much tougher for you to get away. The fact that you say you have no friends and are afraid to tell your own family about his true self says a lot. That is what he WANTS. He wants you to have no support group, so that you feel more and more isolated and alone, and that causes you to remain in an unhappy relationship, and soon, marriage. You are giving him exactly what he wants right now, you are giving him all the control over your life. Take the control back. This man does NOT love you. He is a sick person and he is abusive. And I am 95% sure that eventually, his emotional abuse WILL turn into physical abuse. I know this because I went through it.

Please listen to me.

I HATE telling this story because it means two things: A. I have to relive it and B. someone on these boards is about to get further into a devestating relationship and possibly end up hurt in a very big way. BUT, if this story saves even one person from going further into an unhealthy abusive relationship, I will tell it a thousand times on these boards.

Heres the story: Long ago, in my 20's, I dated a guy who I was convinced loved me. Like yours, he was very sweet in the beginning and very shy, and not at all my type. But he made me feel special so I continued to see him, for about 7months or so. In time, I noticed red flags that he was lying to me a lot, and eventually found out he was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend through our entire relationship. He did this while going on "business trips." There were many other lies and then eventually he started to not want to go anywhere ever with me. We would just stay in, he was always isolating me from my friends. He never ever hit me or did anything physical, so I justified my staying by teling myself that he is just quiet and insecure and its no big deal. His insults werent obcvious ones ....they were sly and hard to figure out at first. He would say things like "those eyes of yours are going to make me do bad things." It sounded like a compliment ---sort of ---but really it was putting the blame on me for something bad HE might do. Very creepy. I found out through his sister that he was very disturbed and had basically lied his way through other relationships in the past. I broke up with him. He did not take it well. He cried. And cried some more. And then he just wouldnt accept it. He was always over at my apartment that year so I had given him a key and I had forgotten that he still had it. So, about a week after I broke it off with him, he broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping, and physically attacked me. I woke up to him on top of me, raping me. He tried to choke and kill me. He said awful things to me the entire time he was attacking me. Awful things that no person should ever have to hear. And then when he was done, he left me there like trash and ran out. I honestly thought I would just die. It seemed like a better idea and less painful than trying to figure out what to do next. I did nothing. I fell into a deep depression for a long time, gained over 100 pounds, and to this day, I still deal with terrible weight and self esteem issues. All because I didnt listen to my instincts, which told me from teh beginning this guy wasnt right. I knew deep down, something was OFF.

I am not saying that your fiance will do that to you, or that he will beat you or try and kill you one day. I AM saying that a large percentage of emotional abusers turn into physical ones, and even if he NEVER lays a hand on you, he is still killing you as a person everyday. Emotional abuse is heartbreaking and devastatingly painful. And if he DOES lay a hand on you, you will be too weak and broken down by then emotionally to do anything about it. Maybe he wont harm you physically, but do you really want to play Russian Roulette with your life? I NEVER thought that my boyfriend at the time was capable of physical abuse. Sometimes it still shocks me. He had NEVER touched me in all that time -- but then, when he was pushed to his limit, his anger and true self came out. Dont wait around for that night to happen to you. Get out now.

You are smart. Your instincts are telilng you something is off. LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Listen to me. Tell a family member, or a close friend what is going on, and call a hotline. Plan a time to tell him you are ending the relatonship and would like for him to get his things out on X day and time. Have a police escort you to your house to supervise and make sure he leaves. Tell the police what has been going on. They will probably tell you they cant do anything, but its important that as many people know as possible. Then, have someone, a friend or family, move into your house with you for awhile, or go stay with them awhile. Trust me, I understand beign scared of what he will do. But you CANNOT stay with him, because every day that you do, those fears will only get worse, and one day, he will do what you fear and it might be too late to get out then.

Listen to that voice inside of you. PLEASE keep us updated and PM me anytime if you like.

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Edited by: kelleyiskelley on Apr 7, 2010 9:14 PM

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