is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?

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bridetwobees Posts : 1 Registered: 4/5/10
is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 7:13 PM

hello, all---i've asked a good friend to be in my wedding party and everyone who knows her well knows her to be quite the diva. she gets a lot of attention and wants even more than she gets. at any rate, i'd said i'd wanted a vintage lace wedding dress and that i'd wanted the bridesmaids to wear a particular color. she, however, almost immediately decided that she, too wants to wear a vintage dress (and a lace one, at that). i said i'd love to say, "hey everyone, go find a dress in such and such color," but that i didn't think that would work b/c the colors could look off or clash. she said it would be fine if everyone just wore some kind of light color. no. not really. not even close to the color i wanted. i suggested that a particular company has some really elegant bridesmaids dresses and that they could be the same color/fabric, but different bodice styles (b/c she'd already said matching dresses are stupid--basically b/c she wouldn't stand out enough). but, of the company i suggested, she said that they'd be new therefore not individualistic enough, etc...she said i should just let people pick out the vintage dress they really love (she's talking about falling in love w/a dress the way a bride would of the actual wedding dress). and fine, okay...but maybe the others don't want to wear vintage? maybe finding enough that look close enough is virtually impossible? maybe the bride's already planning on wearing vintage lace? how much lace can one wedding contain, anyway??? if i concede i'd have to just say go w/black even though that doesn't fit w/any portion of the rest of the wedding (outdoors in the day and not terribly formal). i'm kind of annoyed. what do you guys think?


alymar Posts : 100 Registered: 3/2/10
Re: is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 7:58 PM Go to message in response to: bridetwobees

well... the decision on the bridesmaid dresses is yours and yours alone - well, and maybe some input from others who are helping you plan, like the groom, but IMHO - a bridesmaid shouldn't be chosing what kind of dresses she thinks the party should be wearing, its not her wedding. 1 - you chose the colour, 2 - you decide on the types of dresses. Be they the same or mismatching. Yes, she can give input but the final decision is yours to make.

She is there to stand up FOR YOU during the wedding as your friend. And yes, if the entire party is wearing lace it may be too much. You obviously want to be able to stand out a bit from the rest of the party.

If you want to allow people to pick their own dress styles but stay with a single colour - a lot of companies can do that and make sure the colours are exactly the same... Davids, Alfred Angelo's and the like do this. You can also ask for them to be the same length.

Friendship is a wonderful base for love...
When is my wedding
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Edited by: alymar on Apr 5, 2010 7:58 PM


SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: bridetwobees

I agree with Alymar- it's your decision on what the parameters of the bridesmaids dresses are going to be. I'm having an outdoor semiformal wedding and decided it would be easiest for the bridesmaids to all wear black dresses. I wanted them to get something they could wear again, and I figured everyone could use a black dress. I think I'm going to go with David's Bridal so that I'll have some control over fabric choices- if they're all in the same fabric, even different styles will look cohesive. I would suggest you be firm with your friend, just say- this is what I want from the bridesmaids dresses, pick a color and/or style, tell her where she can buy it, and be done with the conversation. She is more than welcome to buy a dress she's "in love with" for another event.

If you've been unclear with the bridesmaids about whether you want them to buy their own dress or a specific type you like, she may think she's okay with her pick. Make up your mind about whether you're giving all the girls free reign over their own attire or if you want them within a specific set of "rules." Let all the girls know that your dress is vintage lace, and as it is your wedding, you'd like to stand out and would prefer that their dresses not also be lace. Just be clear about what you want.

"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison


AJLM Posts : 49 Registered: 11/18/08
Re: is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:22 PM Go to message in response to: bridetwobees

I understand getting your girls opinion and wanting them to feel comfortable but I don't get why you're giving this girl so much say in what type of dress the rest of the girls are wearing... which is essentially what is going to happen. I would suggest doing some research online and finding out what type and color of dress fits your theme the best, get some price points and hit the stores. If this girl isn't the MOH (and for your sake I hope she isn't) grab her and go look at dresses, find something that works and let the rest of the girls... If she doesn't like it she can drop out


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: bridetwobees

Dear BTB,

The ultimate decision on the bridesmaids' dresses is the bride. Sure, the bride can and should take the bridesmaids' opinions into consideration. The bride should consider comfort, body styles, price, fabric, colors, pregnancies and other variables.

Having listened to your ladies as to what they like, you make the final decision. If someone still resists that final decision, then they can be moved out of the wedding party. As a wedding guest (but not attendant) that person can wear whatever they like so long as it is not white.

Having said that, I actually agree with the idea of bridesmaids in different dresses. It is my personal opinion that an identically-dressed line of woman looks like a Rockettes chorus line. I, personally, like seeing wedding parties in which the bridemaids were different dresses, in different colors. The dresses should coordinate, but each dress can fit the personality of each dress wearer.

But I'm eccentric. Most brides ask their attendants to wear the same dress, which is perfectly OK.

You need to think about what you want, then put your foot down. Enough discussion. Tell each of your attendants that you want X and Y and Z, then make that your final answer. If the "diva" continues to argue, boot her out.


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: is my bridesmaid being a diva or am i being a zilla?
Posted: Apr 6, 2010 9:26 AM Go to message in response to: bridetwobees

Typically, the bride chooses the BMs clothing. If she wants them all in the same dress, then they wear the same dress - or choose not to be in the wedding. If she wants them in different dresses, then she typically chooses a designer, color, and length and lets them choose their own. Or she might pre-select a dozen or so dresses that she likes and let the BMs choose from them.

I understand that you want to make everybody happy, but you're making things harder on everyone involved by not giving them enough direction. Actually, you're letting this particular BM choose the style of your own wedding. You need to make a decision, independently of her and all your other BMs, and then inform them of their choices, if you intend to give them choices. (If not, then simply inform them what they'll be wearing) If she wants to be in the wedding, she has to wear what you ask her to wear.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People


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