6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......

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SarahR Posts : 2 Registered: 4/4/10
6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 4, 2010 9:37 PM

Hi everyone,
This is kind of long & all over the place I'm sure, but I am at the point where I am scrambling for some solid advice.....I cannot go to my family with this, because I do not want them to know how mean he is.
I feel so lost & alone right now.......
We are getting married on Saturday & I'm sitting here feeling nauseous, and it's definately not the so called "pre wedding jitters".
My fiance is in an occupation where we get close to no free time together, we get a date night once every 3 months, if we are lucky. I am able to spend time with him at his place of work & work with him, that is where we spend most of our time together. Other than that, on days that I work my own job, I see him for an hour or two at night after he gets home, which is usually very late.

Anyhow, that is not the worst of it. A lot of the time he is very abusive emotionally, he doesnt seem to appreciate anything I do for him, and I do a lot to make his life more comfortable, I think. I go out of my way to make him happy all of the time. He just puts me down (sometimes in front of his friends which makes me feel like a complete idiot) & makes me feel good for nothing even though I work my butt off rying to make him happy. It sems as though I cant do most things right, I often feel afraid of not doing something good enough because of the emotional blows I will have to deal with. I most times feel like I am walking on egg shells.
He just seems pretty selfish & I have changed my entire lifestyle so that we can be together & I ask him for something simple, like a hug & he cant even do that for me. He NEVER shows me any affection & seems so emotionally detached. He says he loves me very much, but I find it so hard to believe.
To top it all off, lastnight he blew up at me because something didnt go his way & tried blaming it on me, when it was clearly not my fault & he told me that I was not wanted where he works, that I was not allowed to come and help him anymore, that he appreciates the work I do for him, and it will just mean more work for himself & thats ok because I am just a nusance, & more trouble than it is worth to have around. He said that life will go on without me there, which really hurt me.
He often times gets angry & flies off the handle really bad, sometimes to the point of harming others. Not at me directly, but with other people, I have witnessed it & believe that subconciously maybe I am afraid of what he would do if I actually did leave. He acts as though he could care less about having me in his life, but at the same time I think maybe he would get really angry.
He wasnt always like this, he used to be so nice to me, he said he was nice to me until he "hooked me" then he just laughs......
I feel so foolish and I just dont know what to do. I'm afraid it is going to much worse after we are married, but I'm so afraid to leave also. He has completely stripped me of any confidence I had ever had........
I'm so alone.

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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 4, 2010 10:17 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

I can tell you right now that his behavior is not going to get better when you get married. It could even get worse because it is much harder (and more expensive) to get out of a marriage than it is to just leave him.

You need to do what is best for you and I'm sure your family will feel the exact same way. If they knew the way he treated you I think they would say the same thing. Cut your losses and be glad that you aren't getting married to an abusive jerk. He could potentially get physical and that is not a situation you want to find yourself in.
27000_357855012861_529642861_3534868_1049818_n

To love another person is to see the face of God.

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MrsKG Posts : 115 Registered: 10/5/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 4, 2010 10:46 PM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

I agree with the PP, you need to leave now, while you still can. Do not marry this man. I dont understand why you can't tell your family. Why wouldnt you want them to know about him? Maybe they can help you get out! If not, do you have any friends that can help you? I really think you need to leave now before the wedding. Dont worry about the wedding and the guests...they will all understand. You need to do what is best for you!! One day he may be pushed just enough over the edge to become physically abusive. Then what will you do? Good luck with everything, please let us know what you decide to do!!


 

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FutureMrsMartin... Posts : 8 Registered: 3/4/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 4, 2010 11:03 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

You should leave him before he loses his temper and physically hurts you. Normally verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. If he doesn't apperciate you for everything that you do for him then he isn't the man you should marry. You should let your family know what is going on also.
 I Been Diagnosed With Love

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AudreyLiu Posts : 8 Registered: 4/1/10
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 4, 2010 11:55 PM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Hey! This is why these forums are so great...

I truly feel for you... and while I agree with the previous posts, I do understand that it will be excruciatingly difficult to call off your wedding.

Still, I have to tell you... things really do not get better after you get married. My best friend came to me days before her own wedding with similar problems. She married the guy anyway, but it's been year after year of the same pain for her. She got pregnant soon after the wedding, so it's even harder for her to walk away now.

While I'm sure that it's different for everyone, you have to expect the worst and think... if he doesn't change and it's the same for the next ten years, will you be okay with that? If you are then, that's okay. If you aren't, then you definitely should call it off. 6 days prior may seem to be a bad time, but it's a whole lot better than 1 day before.

Either way, good luck... and let us know how things work out.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 12:45 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Dear Sarah,

". A lot of the time he is very abusive emotionally, he doesnt seem to appreciate anything I do for him, and I do a lot to make his life more comfortable, "

I got this far in your message.

Call it off.

Do whatever it takes to call off the wedding. Lose deposits, tell your friends, forget anything you've already spent.

It is much cheaper and in terms of finance to call off a wedding than to get a divorce. It is much easier emotionally to call off a wedding than to get a divorce.

You already know what to do. Now, put your plan in place. Call off the wedding, give back any gifts, compare the costs of any lost deposits to the $300/hour divorce attorneys charges and consider yourself fortunate for having dodged a bullet.

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FutureMrsKlein Posts : 164 Registered: 5/2/09
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 12:57 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

"he said he was nice to me until he "hooked me" then he just laughs......"

Leave, do it now before the ties are harder to break.

I feel for you. I can only imagin how hard it will be, but you need to find someone that treats you right. And he doesn't do that. Your guests will understand. Your family will understand. If anyone gives you sh!t about it, cut them out. You don't need them to talk to you. I hope you have a good support system in place!

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mrsj2011 Posts : 31 Registered: 10/21/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 7:13 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsKlein

Just like PP said you need to leave now unless you think you will be ok with living like this, it will be so much harder to get a divorce and much more expensive. Its hard calling off a wedding I called mine off awhile ago about a month before and it was hard at first. Now Im with someone else and so much happier. If he is already verbally abusing you it will only lead to physical especially if he is already with other people. No one deserves to be treated that way. If you are worried about him becoming angry if you leave. Tell your family or friends your concern about it, then when you tell him your leaving have people around in case he would try anything. Pack all your stuff up while he is at work then you have that part done with. Good luck it is a hard thing to do but you will be better off

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 7:28 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

This sounds like an abusive relationship. I know it's hard but I think it's best to call off the wedding and save yourself before it gets worse. It's better to walk away now than wait until after the wedding because it will be harder to get a divorce and it will be more complicated. Your family will probably be shocked but it's your life that will be ruined if you stay with a man that always puts you down.

 

                           
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:12 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Sarah - Get out. I know it's hard, but it's just going to get harder - and that's just on you. And what if you bring kids into this relationship.

He's ABUSING you. It will NOT get better.

No one, not your family or your friends, would want you to go through with this marriage under these circumstances.

Please come back and let us know what you decided to do. Please come back for more support.

Please leave him.

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:20 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

Sarah:

As a woman who did not find the strength to walk away from an emotionally abusive marriage before the wedding (when I knew I should have), I want to encourage you to do it.

1. Will you be embarassed by calling off the wedding? Yes. But it is not you who should be judged, it is him. Remember, the engagement time is not just for planning a wedding, it's for planning the marriage. It's for evaluating the relationship. You've evaluated. You've realized it is not a good one. Now is the time to get out. Now, I am more personally embarassed that I overlooked my own good sense and married an ass, rather than standing up for myself and walking away.

2. Will you lose money by calling off the wedding? Yes and no. Yes, obviously you've paid a lot of money to people. Maybe you've even put the final payments in. You know what you can do? Have a huge party anyway. You have relations coming into town? Turn it into a family reunion for your side. You've got the photagrapher and food already paid for....why not have fun. And yes, you will be a little down, but you'll have some fun memories.

No....you won't "lose" money...and do you know why? Do you know what you're "buying" with those deposits for the party you do not have? It is very valuable, and the most important thing you'll EVER buy...your freedom, your recognition that you have self worth, your backbone, your courage. You'll be buying something on that day when you cancel your wedding because YOU DESERVE BETTER--you're buying your OWN acknowledgment that you have personal rights to be cherished by your husband and you have a right to be happy.

Something I lost the day that I married my X, and can never get back, was that when I got married to my 2nd husband....he was my second husband. I lost the ability to have him be the first man I married. My DH was in touch with one of my bridesmen...and he knew I married. He kept away, thinking I was happily married all these years, not realizing I divorced a year and a half into the marriage. He was miserable because he believed he had missed out on us--and was surprised to find out I was divorced. I guarantee that if Tony told him the wedding had been called off, we probably would have married 10 years ago....instead of 6 months ago.

My first wedding was a sham, because I wanted to call it off and did not find the strength to do it for ME. Find that strength. Recognize YOUR worth. Walk away, and consider any "money lost" from this as a downpayment on your own future. You're not losing money, you're gaining yourself, and how much money is THAT worth?

Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:48 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

I feel so foolish and I just dont know what to do.

Honey, you're not foolish, but you would be if you went through with this wedding. And I think you know exactly what you need to do - you're just afraid to do it.

I'm afraid it is going to much worse after we are married, but I'm so afraid to leave also.

You're right - it WILL get much worse after you're married, and you're smart to see the warning signs and act on them now, while getting out will be much easier.

I understand why you'd be afraid to leave, but that is exactly why you need to tell you family. I guarantee you that they will be on your side, regardless of how much money any of you have spent on this wedding. Talk to your parents and explain what's going on and that you need get out. If your parents aren't available or try to tell you that it's just cold feet, go to someone else - siblings, friends, other family members, anyone who will listen and support you. You're absolutely right that this is not cold feet. You are in an abusive relationship that will only get worse, and you need support to get out of it NOW, before you're hurt worse than you already have been. If you can't find anybody in your personal life who will support you, there are women's shelters and hotlines that you can contact to speak to a counselor. Even with family support, that's a good idea. The more people you tell NOW about this situation, the more people you will be held accountable to later on, if he tries to talk you into staying. You NEED as many people as possible who will keep saying, 'Get away from this man and never go back.' The fact that you're afraid to talk to anyone in your life, for fear that they'd know the truth about him, speaks volumes. This isn't just a relationship hurdle that you'll overcome in time. This man has shattered you, and you don't deserve that. You deserve to marry someone who treats you like an angel, not somebody who puts you down all the time.

Once you've found your support in real life, take them with you when you end it. DO NOT be alone with this man. If possible, speak to him somewhere in public. Don't listen to him if he begs you to stay. Get your stuff, move out, change your phone number and the locks on your doors. Don't answer the phone when he calls. End all contact with him. Stay close to your support people and tell them ALL your feelings on the matter, so that they can give you a good kick in the butt if you're ever considering calling him. Think of it like a sponsor-person for a recovering alcoholic. You need your sponsor people and you need to go to them if you might 'relapse.'

It will be hard at first, but you'll be so much better off without this jerk in your life. A friend of mine left an abusive marriage last year, and she's in a much better place now. It took her a while to work up the courage to get out, but once she did, her life improved astronomically. Even with her ex making the divorce difficult and suing her for a ridiculous amount of alimony (idiot - there's no way he could win that. He just wants to make her pay for a lawyer), she's still doing SO MUCH better without him - pursuing interests that she had given up, going back to school, etc, etc. Once you get out of this relationship and get some counseling, you'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel. Your confidence will come back, you'll renew frienships and interests that you haven't had time for, and before you know it, you'll be ready to get out there and meet a wonderful man who will see how great you are. You owe it to yourself to get out of this relationship and live your life.

I hope you take everyone's comments to heart and act on your instincts. You're right that it will only get worse. I don't know you, but I wouldn't wish a relationship like this on anybody. Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 8:58 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Do you know what you're "buying" with those deposits for the party you do not have? It is very valuable, and the most important thing you'll EVER buy...your freedom, your recognition that you have self worth, your backbone, your courage.

Very well said, Misty.

Sarah, you should listen to her. She really knows what she's talking about.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: SarahR

PLEASE READ KELLEY'S STORY BELOW.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson


Edited by: MsDenuninani on Apr 8, 2010 11:57 AM

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: 6 days until wedding, Thinking about calling it off......
Posted: Apr 5, 2010 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I can understand why you are afraid what he will do when you break up but you still have to leave him for you sanity and safety. Pack up your stuff while he is out of the house. Stay with family or friends until you get your own place. It's probably better, if possible, to stay somewhere he wouldn't expect you to be so it would be harder to find you. Good luck. You are doing the right thing.

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