Bridemaid 9 months pregnant

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AksMdw Posts : 1 Registered: 4/1/10
Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 1, 2010 11:05 PM

Ok so here's the story. My best friend got married last september. At first I was just a bridemaid and then she kicked out her best friend who was her MOH and asked me to step in, so I did. Well then I found out I was pregnant...due 3 days after her wedding. So I stepped down. I knew it would not be a good experience for me and I didn't want her to have to stress about it.

Well I am getting married in Oct...and she's pregnant. She we be 9 months at my wedding. Expecting her to just step down I wasn't worried. I talked to her about it and she definitely wanted to remain a bridesmaid. After thinking about it for a while...I'm not sure if that's the best idea. I know when I was 9 months pregnant I could barely even walk. and I know that everyone's pregnancy is different but I need to make a decision now..not wait until a month before the wedding.

The last thing I would have wanted to do when I was 9 months pregnant is stand for an hour..not to mention running around getting hair and make up and everything else. Also, they are not doing very well financially. I'm not sure how they are going to afford a child and to make her buy a dress and everything else..just doesn't seem right. And on the other hand I can't afford to buy anything for her. My fiance's parents aren't able to contribute anything, therefore we have to dish out a lot of money.

So I was thinking about asking her to be a reader any maybe she can be put in the program as an honorary bridesmaid and just sit up front or something. I have read so many forums and most of them all say that people should just let them do it. but if you havent been pregnant before you have no idea what its like to carry around a child that is about to come out. its not fun. and im sorry but i have been waiting my whole life to get married and this will be my only wedding. so i dont really find it selfish to say that it's my day...because IT IS! I'm not a bridezilla by any means but for once in my life I would like a day that is all about me and matt and our love.

however, I have not discussed this with her....I have a feeling she will be very angry....so i am still undecided...feel free to comment as you wish

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

Whatever you do, don't kick a bridesmaid out of your wedding for being pregnant. That just makes you look like a jackass :P

I don't really see the problem. If she is up for it, have her in the wedding. Worst case scenerio, she bows out later on. But she'll be out the money for the dress, and you really won't be negatively affected by it so...I would just wait and see how things go.


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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 1:19 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

This girl is supposed to be your best friend, so I really don't see what it matters if she is pregnant or not. You need to let her make that decision. If she needs to step down because of the pregnancy, financial reasons, or whatever else, that should be her call. If you kick her out, be prepared to lose your best friend. If she decides last minute she can't be in it, it's really no biggy. It's better than kicking her out because you're assuming by then she won't be up for it, and losing a best friend.

You said you don't think she'll be able to stand for an hour. Is the ceremony going to be an hour long? Is there any way the wedding party will be able to sit for the ceremony? Pregnant or not, I personally wouldn't be able to stand still and look pretty for an hour. My ceremony is going to be close to an hour, but we have it arranged so the wedding party members will be able to sit down.

Is she going to need to get her hair and makeup professionally done? I know you said you can't afford anything for her, does this include hair and makeup? If you're requiring your girls to get their hair and makeup professionaly done, you really should be the one paying. Another thing with that is, if she does get her hair and makeup done, she might enjoy it. Being pampered is fun, and I've never been pregnant but I can only assume it's fun while you're pregnant too!

As for what she can afford, you should really discuss budgets, or atleast set, or find out what everyones budget is for them to spend on your wedding. If she cannot afford the dress for example, then she won't be able to be in it. Do you think she would expect you to pay for it?

I really don't understand how her being pregnant is conflicting with your day? After reading the last part of your post, I'm getting that you have other reasons you don't want her in the wedding, or you really just don't want a pregnant bridesmaid. It's still going to be your wedding day rather she's pregnant or not. And she's still going to be pregnant on your wedding day. I really don't get what this has to do with anything.


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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 1:39 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

Just because YOU made the decision to step down from her wedding because you were pregnant, doesnt mean that is the right decision or the correct thing to do for everyone else.

Obviously, she knows she is pregnant, yet she still wants to be in your wedding. I think this says a lot about her character and its very nice of her. And IF it becomes too much for her later down the road, then she will bow out then and it wont be a big deal, I would hope you would be supportive of whatever she needs to do. Its not up to you to worry about what she can afford - as long as you have laid down for ALL your wedding party the cost of things, Im sure they are aware of what monies they need to put out. Just see how this plays out. If she needs to do something less commited later on, then you can suggest maybe she do a reading instead or whatever. But you need to let that be HER call. Right now it sounds as if she is perfectly fine with being in your wedding, and thats great. You need to be more supportive.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 8:26 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

What if you put a chair up front for her to sit on when the ceremony starts? Running around to get hair and makeup done is not a big deal. She'll be sitting down when this is happening. When it's time for pictures have her stand up during them but when she's not taking pictures she can sit down. I wouldn't kick her out just because she is pregnant. If SHE felt like she couldn't handle it then she'll probably let you know. Everyone is different.


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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 8:28 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

Ok, well I'm not a mother so you'll probably say I don't know what I'm talking about - but I don't think you should make this decision for her. I'd be pretty pissed if I was asked to stand up in a wedding and the bride asked me to take a different role because I was pregnant. I understand that you're trying to consider her comfort, but with all due respect, it's her decision, not yours. You've asked her to be a bridesmaid, period. You didn't ask her to be a BM as long as she's not pregnant. If she thinks she's up to it, great. If it turns out that she delivers early or she doesn't feel up to standing, what of it? The worst case scenario here is that she buys a dress and doesn't end up wearing it. I don't really see why it's such a big deal to you.

Or are you worried about having uneven sides? If so, stop worrying about it! Almost every wedding I've been to has had uneven sides, including my own. It's no big deal, and photographers know how to arrange people even if there are different numbers on each side.

It would be one thing if your BM, like you at her wedding, felt that she wouldn't be up to it at that point in her pregnancy and chose to step down. There's nothing wrong with that, as it is her decision. There is, however, something wrong with YOU making that decision for her, after initially asking her to be a BM. It's very nice of you to worry about what her physical condition will be, but it would be kinder to anticipate her needs and accomodate them (such as providing her with a chair if your ceremony is an hour long) rather than kicking her out of the WP. Let her determine what she wants and is capable of doing. If she has to bow out at the last minute, there's no harm done.

And as far as the couple's financial situation goes, that's really none of your business. I, for one, would be pretty offended if a bride kicked me out of her WP because she thought I couldn't afford to participate. Do you balance her checkbook? Do you make her budget? If not, then you don't know her financial situation and have no business making decisions for her based on it. I understand that you're looking out for her, and that's nice of you - but again, you're going about it the wrong way. If she says she can participate, take her at her word that she can afford to. If you're concerned about her finances, do her a favor by choosing an inexpensive dress or letting her choose her own - but don't assume that she can't afford to be in the wedding if she tells you she can.

Honestly, it sounds like you're just looking for excuses to kick this girl out. If you're really friends with her, relax and let her make her own decision (pregnancy and financially) on whether or not to participate. But if you're looking for an excuse to kick her out, please just call it what it is and tell her that you don't want her in the WP. That would be far less offensive than kicking her out due to her pregnancy or your perception of her financial status.

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NicoleN1101 Posts : 44 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 8:31 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

You can't kick her out because she's pregnant I agree... but you can offer to her a chance to back out. And if she doesn't take it then that's her choice. Me personally I loved my pregnancy up till the 8th month and then wanted nothing more to do with any of it. I was huge and swollen and everything hurt, but my best friend was jogging etc up till she delivered. Everyone is different.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

Dear AM,

The decision on whether or not she drops out is her decision, and apparently she's decided to go for it. Thus: she stays in.

Her budget is her business, not yours. Just make sure that everyone knows what you expect of them so they have a realistic Bottom Line of expected expenses.

If the wedding is long, usually the entire wedding party moves into the front pew or front row of chairs. In our church, the wedding liturgy includes various Scripture readings and even the bride and groom sit for those lessons. There's no reason for everyone to have to stand for the entire hour-long ceremony.

Oh, and by the way I am the mother of twins. I was gigantic at the end of my pregnancy, and I could have fulfilled bridesmaid duties had that been the situation at that time. The clothes I wore in the last two months were tent-like in volume, but I could have stood there as a bridesmaid.

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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

Since you've already asked her to be a bridesmaid, you can't ask her to bow out just because she is pregnant. She is the only person who can decide what is best for her. Just like you said, your nineth month was difficult, but every pregnancy is different. I have a few friends who were out and about with no problem right up until they gave birth. Maybe she'll feel differently when it comes closer to time. I think you should let her play this one by ear. If things are going fine and she is up for it, let her still be your bridesmaid. If it gets to be two or three months before the baby is due and she isn't up for it, she can bow out. Let her know that you'll support her decision whatever it may be. There are accomodations that can be made. Like others have said, she can sit in a chair until it is time to stand up during the ceremony and she can sit whenever she is not having a picture taken.

If she goes into labor early and has to back out last minute, you can make do. My maid of honor and her daughter, who was my junior bridesmaid, were both sick on the day of my wedding and were not able to come. While it was disappointing to not have them there, we just had to do some minor adjustments to the bridal party line-up and everything went fine.



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Elbelle77 Posts : 222 Registered: 1/24/08
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

One of my bridesmaids got pregnant and would've been about 8 1/2 months along at the time of our wedding. I told her that it was totally up to her whether or not she felt like she could still be in the wedding. We had a catholic wedding, so the girls would be sitting for most of the time. I told her she could decided at the last minute depending on how she felt. She's one of my best friends and I wanted her there, how much she could participate was left up to her.


(This situation turned out way differently than either of us could have imagined in the end. She had some complications and gave birth at 30 weeks, though the baby was much smaller and than a baby at 30 weeks should be. Now the situation became whether or not she felt comfortable leaving her baby (who was in the NICU) to be in the wedding. Again, I left the decision up to her. In the end, she was a BM in my wedding, she decided that since she usually can't see the baby as much on the weekends due to tests and visiting hours, she could use a fun night. Her husband and mother visited the baby and she kept in close contact with them. Thankfully the baby is doing great and is at home now with his parents)

Bottom line: Yes, it is YOUR DAY, but keep in mind that you asked these girls to be your BMs because they are a big part of your life and you want them to share this day with you. If she can be in your wedding, great, it won't take anything away from you. If she can't, then that's ok too. No need to hurt a friendship over it.

Edited by: Elbelle77 on Apr 2, 2010 11:29 AM

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: Elbelle77

Can you pinpoint for us exactly what the cause of your stress is over this?

I'm guessing, here, but are there a few specific things you plan to have her do that day (or leading up to it) that you aren't sure she'll be able to perform, and you're worried about having somebody to help you? If so, just line up that backup help now. Just let the other BMs know that if MOH can't do A, B, or C, can you count on them to help you?

Another PP's suggestion about having a place for her to sit during the ceremony is a good suggestion. Also, if you're worried about her financial situation, and if you haven't talked to her yet about the potential costs to her of the wedding, then have those approximate numbers ready when you talk to her and offer her the opportunity to step down.

And you and others are right--you can't know (and she herself can't know) how she'll feel that day. At nine months pregnant, I would have felt good enough to attend my BF's wedding and would have made it a priority even if I couldn't stay for the whole reception. But please don't ask her to step down. It sounds like she really wants to be a part of your day. I would let her.

BTW, I was a BM in a wedding in which the bride's MOH was also very pregnant. On the day of the wedding, the baby was threatening to come (a few weeks early), so the doctor ordered the MOH to bed. My friend the bride was totally fine. She had known that could happen, and the rest of us just pitched in where needed. So her friend still got to be involved up until the end even if she couldn't be there the day of, and the wedding still came off beautifully, and the bride had fun. So your own attitude will have a lot to do with the outcome.

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hljanes Posts : 57 Registered: 12/31/09
Re: Bridemaid 9 months pregnant
Posted: Apr 2, 2010 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: AksMdw

As the others have said, don't kick her out. Let her staying or going be her decision.

Go into it, however, with your eyes open. If she has problems in her pregnancy, if the baby comes early, whatever, she may not be able to stand up for you and that sucks - I'm sure she wants to be there for you and you want her to be there. If she buys the dress and all and can't come, it sucks to have wasted the money but it's her decision to make.

Just make sure the dress you choose for her can be altered to fit her. Make sure there's a place she can sit at the ceremony. And be prepared for her to drop out and be gracious if she decides to.

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