Stay at Home Wife Stigma?

Online Users: 0 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 97


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 11:09 PM Go to message in response to: hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

I just read the reply of this nutcase hhhhhhhhhhh or whatever. I could not disagree with you more. I work and my family has a home cooked meal from Sunday - Thursday. My house is clean and very organized. I have been home every day to help all three of my kids with their homework. I am not stressed at all ever.

I know for a fact that I am happier and more fulfilled because I work. As I said earlier I did the stay at home wife/mother thing and I couldn't have been more miserable and my family was miserable also. When I went back to work everybody was more relaxed and happier.

So Miss Lady, I am not in the least bit jealous if somebody decides that they want to stay home and depend on another person for all of their financial needs. I would never want to be dependant on any man. That to me is probably the dumbest thing you could do.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

Reply

wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 12:47 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Do we really need to insult each other or call each other names? If she is happy staying home and that is best for her and her husband why are you getting all bent out of shape? You sure sound stressed to me. Live and let live.

Reply


StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 5:55 AM Go to message in response to: Agape14

1. hhhhhhhhhhh poster who just came on here
(and who I suspect is actually an alias of the OP or the other home
schooled poster on this thread):
MrsM - whoever that is, she is not me. I don't go in for games like that. I speak for and stand up for myself.

2. I would just like to point out that no matter how passionately you argue here, no one is going to change anyone's mind. This is the Internet.


MrsM - you're right. I am not career-driven. So my choice to stay out of the workforce does not affect you or others IN the workforce. Can we get along? I'm sure we can.

Agape - I am not "limiting" my husband's (or my own) ability to learn new things. He is not a kitchen-oriented person - he's an absent-minded person who goes into the kitchen with the best of intentions, gets distracted, and burns a pot of water. Maybe in the future, he will want to learn to cook and I will be happy to help him. Same goes for any other new things either of us wants to learn in our lives.

kennys - you like to work - I prefer to stay home. Can we get along? Pretty sure we can.

Okay. I'm done with this discussion, as it is just disintegrating into an arguement.
Sunnijoy, I think you have your answers - some people will question your choice, others will not. Just like every other choice you make in life.

HollyElise


21. Canadian. Stay-At-Home Wife. Living in Hawaii.

Reply


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: wdubin

I am so sorry mommy I shouldn't have said the bad things I said.

Please... I did not at anytime call anyone a name or insult anyone. I called her a nutcase because that is what she is. To even suggest that I would be jealous of someone who would become a virtual slave and totally dependant on another person is crazy to me.

My grandmother who was a stay at home wife, babysat so she would have her own pocket money. Yes she was home when her husband came home and she had a meal cooked for him. His laundry was done. The house was clean. She was still able to go out and buy herself a pair of shoes or a dress or see a movie without having to ask her husband for any money.

To think that people get divorced because the wife works outside of the home is crazy.

To think my family is stressed in anyway because I work is crazy. As a matter of fact my children take pride in the fact that their mother was able to work full-time, go to school full-time and to provide them with a comfortable happy home. I was a single parent because my husband had issues with working or taking care of our daughter or to be supportive in any way. My child, (I only had one at the time) was much better off with a single working mother than to have a stay at home wife/mother dependant on a man who had no ambition at all.

My daughters have the option of being a working wife/mother or a stay at home wife/mother and my son has the same options. I have taught all of my children to cook, clean, do laundry, and take care of babies. If/when my son gets married or what have you. He will be equiped to be a full partner to his wife/SO. They will have the option of him being the homemaker/child care provider, working and having a stay at home wife or both of them working outside of the home.

For the record I have no problem with a woman making the decision to stay home I just want her to have a back-up plan. There are entirely to many variables. We all have to protect ourselves and our children. For a person to not do that is beyond crazy.





Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I forgot about that part, Kennys. All our kids were taught to do laundry and cook. And, as teenagers, laundry is up to them. They also have to help with dinner, because in our home, no one is "the maid" or "the waitress".

My grandparents were much like Kennys, I think. Grandma quit teaching when they had kids, however, they both also farmed, and she ran that part while he was finishing school/teaching (at the same time). They were the principal influence in my life who taught me to do what I chose to do, as far as a career. My grandpa participated in cleaning and cooking his entire life, and they were married 58 years before he passed. They were truly partners in their household and in their marriage. I would not settle for anything less ever again. That so many people are choosing to do so, to me, is not what I would call intelligent. So far, no one has described what their plans are. It leaves me to assume there aren't any. ANd that's scary.




 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

Reply


starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I think that is what scares me about the whole stay at home wife thing. I am looking at what my aunt is going through right now. Struggling to find a job despite having an advanced degree, having no money of her own in the bank because she did not work for so many years, my little cousin being pulled out of his special needs private school because she cannot afford to send him there and also feed them. I wonder how different her life would be if she had at least worked part time or had some sort of legal agreement with her now ex about spousal support in the event of a divorce.

Now I know none of you THINK you will get a divorce, but you never know. We all think we won't. Who goes into a marriage thinking that they will fall out of love, or their spouse will cheat or any of the other numerous issues that can lead to the end of a marriage. The fact is that chances are some of us, stay at home or working, will get a divorce, be widowed, deal with DH losing his job.

Staying at home is fine but I agree with the PPs that say you MUST have a back up plan! Women ending up below the poverty line due to divorce is just all to common.

I was the one that posted the link btw. Here it is agian incase you missed it.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/22/AR2010032203229.html


wedding tickers

Reply

Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: starfish701

Starfish, their plan is to "be happy and in love" like women were "back in the good old days" when "women knew their place was in the home". And since there's nothing in that "plan" to counteract your and other PP's very logical arguments or respond to the intelligent questions, they're keeping silent. Or inventing aliases (amazing how ‘hhhhh' joined the boards just in order to post on this one topic...).

Sunni, I think you're very sincere in your beliefs and your words, but saying "well I'll just go back to work" is naive. Just look at what has happened over the last few years. I'm sure many Christians are amongst those who have lost their jobs and their homes due to the economic crisis. Consider a Bible verse that basically says what the other PPs are saying about having a solid plan (a plan that involves specific action to guard against variables): Ecclesiastes 11:6 "In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening withhold not your hand: for you know not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good".

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

Reply


AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi: I am not quite sure if you made an error or if you are insinuating that I have an alter ego as this hhhhhhhh person. Either way, you are completely incorrect as I never stated what you have quoted me as stating.

MrsM: I am getting a safety net, as I am still getting my degree. I don't intend on using my degree right away, but I will still have the piece of paper. If FH was to unexpectedly die (heaven forbid) I would take the life insurance and live off of that for 2 years until I was able to get a Master's in education and become a teacher. As for divorce, we don't believe in it. I was reading an article written by a longtime marriage counselor who believes that "rough patches" can last up to 10 or 15 years, but every couple will find their groove again. We've decided together that if a 15 year rough patch struck us down the road we would be committed to working it out. My parents' divorce was so incredibly hard on me and my siblings. I couldn't imagine ever doing that to a child. To me, it's almost as bad as emotional child abuse.

Edit: MrsM: I find it incredibly rude for you to say that you're going to be the one "paying for my welfare check." Obviously if I had no other choice I would work, but in my mind that is not the ideal scenario. I have never insulted your decision to become a woman who works outside the home, so why are you saying that I am just going to become a bum living off the system?

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 2:47 PM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

For some families, there is no choice, the woman must work. Other families are able to make it work so that Momma can be home full time. I think sometimes women are so judgmental of each other and that makes me sad.

Francie, this isn't directed at you - you simply said the words. Nor is this directed at anybody else who has commented on this thread. But I hate, hate, HATE it when people say stuff like this. First off, the assumption is that all women WANT to stay home and raise their kids, and those who work do so only because they need the paycheck. In many cases, this couldn't be further from the truth. Furthermore, I can't stand the assumption that if a family wants a parent to raise their kids, it MUST be the woman. Why do families need to make it work so that MOM can stay home? In many cases, it's more practical for the woman to stay home with the kids because her husband makes more money than she does. How many times have you heard a new mother say she's not going back to work because she barely makes enough money to cover the cost of daycare? By urging these women to stay home rather than developing their skills so that they have more earning potential, we're basically saying that it's Ok for men to make more money than women. I have a big problem with that.

This is a tangent, but I also hate the assumption that a 'career woman' is a cutthroat climbing the corporate ladder, works a million hours, never takes time off, is super-stressed, is permanently attached to her Blackberry, and never has time for anything else. I don't identify with this definition of a career woman, though I have a career that I love and never intend to quit. I am a professional who rarely ever has need to work more than 40 hours in a week. On the rare occasion (say, we're putting together a big exhibit) that I do work more than 40 hours for a few weeks, I earn comp time, which I use when the project is over. And I leave my Blackberry on my desk at work, most of the time, unless I'm expecting an important call from an overseas contact after hours or something. On an average day, I'd say that my job is less stressful than raising children, as there are rarely any emergencies involving care of artwork. I am already at high mid-level at my museum and will probably get a promotion to senior level next year. I work hard for my success, but for me, my job is enjoyable and (most of the time) fairly easy.

All of this pisses me off to no end. I have no desire to quit a job that I love to raise children. We don't have kids yet, but when we do, I will not be working because I have to. I have no desire to 'make it work' on my husband's salary. Even if he was a millionaire and loved his job, I would still work because I love mine. Aside from that, I make 30K/year more than DH. And while I LOVE what I do, he isn't crazy about his field and would love to start an online business and work from home. Yet in the eyes of many people in our society, I should be the one to quit (if we want one parent home with the future kids) because it's the woman's job. I'd love for him to start his business and work from home. And if he does, it will be a a part time thing, due to the nature of the business (it could basically be done in his spare time). And due to HIS nature, he would rather not work on it early in the mornings. If he's working from home when we have children, we're not paying for daycare while I'm at work. He'd enjoy being a stay-at-home dad, though having the business on the side would be good for him, as he'd go crazy without some sort of job to devote some of his time to.

So why do people assume that we have to choose between both working, or 'making it work' on HIS salary. Why can't I be the one to have a job outside the home? These are just rhetorical questions - because obviously, we can do whatever we want. But the assumptions above really annoy me: 1) That all women want to stay home with their kids, 2) That woman who work outside the home do so only because of financial need, and 3) That if a couple wants one parent to stay home with the children, it must be the wife who quits and the husband who continues his career. All are sexist, narrow-minded assumptions...yet they often come from fellow women.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Reply


Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 2:53 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

ArtBride- congrats on your upcoming promotion. I really do think it is fantastic that you have a job you love and you are so successful at it. Your situation is working for you so it makes sense for you to stay the path.

My situation was NOT working for me or my husband and so it would be crazy for us to not try something new since we are of the means and the mind to do so.


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

Reply


AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 3:06 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

ArtBride: I agree that it doesn't have to be the woman who stays at home and the man who works. In the case of my Mom's friends, the Father stays home with the children (they're home schooled) and the Mother works 40 hours a week. I've never thought anything of it. I think the majority of people (myself included) wouldn't look down on you or any other woman who works while her husband stays home.

It really does depend on what's best for each individual family. For some, a SAHM, a SAHD, both parents career, one parent part time, one full time, etc etc etc. I just don't see why some people here are being so snarky and rude about it when it is a completely family-to-family decision.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 3:19 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Amy, I was quoting hhhhhh. You quoted AOTB to us, and said we should focus on what she stated about everyone making our own decisions. I pointed out hhhhhhh's post, because clearly it is not in line with AOTB's own choices thing, and I think your "corporate ladder" stigmatizing stay at home moms is offensive. The comments that those who divorce are emotionally abusing their children, and that the greatest accomplishment anyone can make as a wife is creating a happy home, or some such drivel posted by hhhhhh, are only the first two that come to mind. There will always be a glass ceiling and corporate ladder problem for career minded women as long as people continue to believe and live the way hhhhhh and you are advocating. You are making that choice because you think it is best for you. Great. You do have that right. No one has said you do not. All choices have consequences, though. And all women who choose to do what you are choosing should, for their own safety, have an actual plan in case they are no longer able to stay at home.

But do NOT tell me that making the choice to leave my abusive husband equates to child abuse. Much of what pissed me off initially were hhhhhh's statements and her attitudes (whoever she really is) and the quote I pasted in before was hers.

However, I've got a quote for you, from you:

"To me, it's almost as bad as emotional child abuse." I get that you didn't want your parents to divorce. Great. I also get that I chose, wisely, to divorce my husband and frankly, your attitudes on that are scary. I sincerely hope you never, ever, ever tell an abused woman that if she chose to divorce her husband rather than let that "rough patch" work itself out over 15 or so years. I cannot describe to you how offensive that statement really is, or how naive.

What happens if you can't find work right out of school? Then what? I also will never understand the belief that it is better to live in misery, and therefore subject your kids to that same misery and those examples, than it is to divorce and continue parenting your kids. The problems come in when one or the other parent refuses to do that. Not from the divorce itself.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People



Edited by: cyndi33 on Mar 25, 2010 1:23 PM

Reply


AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Barring a case of emotional and/or physical abuse, yes I do feel that it's always better to work the problems out rather than run away.

Anybody could sit here and say "what if." What IF your husband dies and then what IF you can't find any work then what IF you find a job and quit because you become ill, then what IF someone breaks into your house and steals your identity then what IF the Yellowstone volcano erupts? WHAT IF?!?!?

I get that you need a safety net and a backup plan, and I/we have one. Sitting here and saying "What if" to every single situation is pointless IMO. Lots of things in life can happen and it is completely impossible to prepare for every single different situation. It's prudent to expect and hope for the best and prepare for the worst. It's a waste of time to sit there and map out every single chain of events life can hand you and your reactions to each.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

Reply


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

We fundamentally disagree. I will not stay in a marriage that is not healthy, and is not loving. I will not "work on it" for 15 years in misery. I do not think that is "running away" and find it typical teenage opinion which I am writing off given your age and lack of life experience. Is that "mean"? I don't think so, I do think it is an area where you are showing your age. I know my husband's kids were upset that he got a divorce. But it was the best choice for him, and he maintains a very active role in their lives. The marital example he and his ex were providing for the kids would have been damaging. There was no emotional or physical abuse, there was also no love and another 15 years wouldn't have changed that at all.

And, having a plan to support yourself is basic common sense. The scenarios you are setting up are just not comparative. If you don't want to have a plan, fine. I think that is dangerous, but it's your life. The possibility that you can't find work after not having worked for a number of years, is not remote, it is likely. Not planning for your own financial security is idiotic.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P., People Offended by Offended People

Reply


AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 25, 2010 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Alright, we can agree to disagree on the marriage vs divorcing issue.

However, there is no reason why you should be saying that I "have no backup plan." Someone asked what would happen if my FH died. I answered that I would use the life insurance money to live for 2-3 years to finish a Masters in education and become a teacher. You added another scenario to this, to which I replied that there is no possible way for a human to have a plan for every single chain of events. I have a backup plan, and I have a safety net; I'm not sure why you feel otherwise.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine