Stay at Home Wife Stigma?

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

This was in the Washington Post today. It might explian why you get the reaction you do to your choosing to stay home.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/22/AR2010032203229.html



As for me, I agree it is a choice. I could never do it and I personally feel it is unwise to be completly reliant on another for your income. However, two of my aunts are/where stay at home wives. One aunt has three kids and just left her f#cktard husband. She is having a significant amount of trouble finding a job, may have to go on welfare and my little cousin who has sever learning issues may have to change schools because of the lack of money. My other aunt has no kids, stays home and her and her DH are as happy as can be, So its a risk but I guess it works sometimes.


wedding tickers

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Cyndi- I don't have any kids, if you were asking me. I meant that when the kids I will eventually have are older... in other words, my hypothetical ( at this point) children. I can see how I confused you. My bad! :)


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

August 28th- I hope it soon works out for you to be able to stay home the way you desire to. Your husband is blessed that you are such a help to him.

I went to Texas Bible Institute in Columbus, Texas. I graduated from my first year there in 2001 and my second year in 2002.

Thanks again all for your responses! This forum is so great! I appreciate being in a community where the conversations are so relevent to me.


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

OMG, Holly! I was home schooled all the way through to graduation too!

Did you enjoy being home taught?

I did except for when I was in junior high. I was experiencing adolescense just as my mom was going through the worst of her menopause. Not fun!




"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

Reply


Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

I'm definately not a career woman, I work to get paid. Personally I need my job right now to save the money so that in the future I might have the option to not to. Being a SAHW is not for me, my BF works late and as it is i'm home looking after the dogs from 5-8 or 10 by myself and I go a little stir crazy at times, and I hate doing housework. The only time it actually gets done is out of boredom.

Here in Canada we get 12 months parental leave where we are paid roughly 50% of our income. That time can be used by one parent or shared when you have a baby. My BF and I would like to have kids, and when we do, we plan to each take the first 6 months off together. During this time we will be budgeting off one salary (since we make the same and would both be on 50% of our income). Then if this budget works for the first 6 months, then I'd concider being a SAHM. I'd at least want to be off the first year because I hope to BF for that long.

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StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

OMG, Holly! I was home schooled all the way through to graduation too!

Did you enjoy being home taught?

I did except for when I was in junior high. I was experiencing
adolescense just as my mom was going through the worst of her
menopause. Not fun!

I loved being homeschooled. One reason my parents decided to homeschool was because I (their oldest child) was reading by age 3. My dad looked at my mom and said "She'll be bored to tears in school. What can we do?"
I am and have always been a voracious reader - I haven't attended college but I can hold my own in conversations on many different subjects with people who have gone to college and uni.
I don't know if dH and I will decide that homeschooling is the way we will go with our (future) children - but I do know we won't be putting them into public schools. We'll see.

HollyElise  

21. Canadian. Stay-At-Home Wife. Living in Hawaii.

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 23, 2010 6:46 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

Hi there Sunni,
I think this is a very good topic for discussion. I have been a career woman for most of my adult years and I only had one child. It was so hard to juggle work and home. Katherine Hepburn said once the reason she didn't ever have children was because women who thought they could "have it all" were just fooling themselves. I always liked Katherine Hepburn. Anyway, for me personally, I just about killed myself trying to be the perfect wife, mother and career woman. Who can do all that and do it right? When my son was in Jr. High, I took a less stressful, more flexible job so I could be at home when he was home from school. That made all the difference. I did the best I could at the time, but in my opinion, there is no more noble job in the world than raising kids. You must not let what others think bother you. There is a lot of controversy around this issue, I have seen women on talk shows almost come to blows debating working moms vs. career moms. I think as women, we should support each other, and support an individual woman's decision to either stay at home or work outside the home. For some families, there is no choice, the woman must work. Other families are able to make it work so that Momma can be home full time. I think sometimes women are so judgmental of each other and that makes me sad. We should have each other's back, don't you think? Good luck honey.

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Edited by: BWFrancie on Mar 23, 2010 6:46 PM

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

Francie, you and the OP are talking about totally different things though. Being a stay-at-home mom is not even in the same ballpark as having no kids but just not working or only working part-time in order to "keep house" (which is what the OP has described her situation to be).

I would also be one of those people who responded with an "Oh" because 1) 7mths is not enough time to say you've made a serious go at anything, and 2) it doesn't make any sense to me why if two adults work, the only solution they can figure out for keeping up with housework and making dinner is to have the woman not work, or significantly scale back her working hours. Like, is it really impossible for both husband and wife to take on different tasks so that everything gets done in a reasonable timeframe? Or is the real problem that the division of labour is totally skewed so that the woman is doing too much, which is creating a false sense of "I'm so busy"?


Feminism absolutely advocates for women's ability to make choices, but that's definitely not a choice I would support from a friend or family member for all of the good reasons PPs have mentioned. Instead, I'd ask her why she's the only one that's "so overwhelmed" and why her husband doesn't think he should cut back on his work hours to "keep house", whatever that means.


 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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Sunnijoy Posts : 32 Registered: 3/19/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 2:03 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

My husband and I the idea of my working less for many reasons.

1) Having/ being a stay-at-home wife is what my husband wants and what I have always wanted to be.


2) Yes, we can divide the chores but remember we were both working 10-12 hour days. We did not enjoy doing laundry in the wee or late night hours or having to use our only full day off together to run errands we couldn't get to during the week because we were trapped at work during business hours.

3) My husband finds it comforting to have me at home the majority of the evenings when he gets there. He especially loves how this new arrangement allows me to have a hot dinner waiting for him.

4) We like that we no longer have to arrange family gatherings around three work schedules ( his one job and my two.)

As for staying current in the workforce, I haven't left it entirely am just cutting back a job. So there will not be any gap in my resume.

Seven months of something not working at all is enough for my husband and I to vbelieve it is time to try something new.

The company I am leaving has told me I am welcome back at anytime, should I ever desire to return. In fact they asked me to stay on one more week to train my replacement, which I agreed to.

I read a bumper sticker the other day that I thought was great for women no matter what route in life they choose so I dedicate to all of us:

" Those who say it cannot be done should not get in the way of those who are doing it."

Isn't that a great quote?


"Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever." ~Westminister Catechism

I try to spread my message to the world the best way that I can give it
We can make it, always be optimistic
If you don’t listen, gotta live my life the best way that I can live it
With the faith of a mustard seed, you can move mountains
And only the heavenly father can ease the hurt
Just let it go and keep prayin’ on your knees in church (Let’s go)
And be hopeful, hopeful, and He’ll make a way
I know it ain’t easy but - that’s okay
Cause we hopeful -"Hope" by Twista and Faith Evans

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

2) it doesn't make any sense to me why if two adults work, the only
solution they can figure out for keeping up with housework and making
dinner is to have the woman not work, or significantly scale back her
working hours.

I cook, he does dishes. If I don't cook, he fends for himself with leftovers or take out or a microwave meal. He doesn't expect me to cook, but he loves when I do. And I love cooking - but I don't do it every night.

I do my laundry, he does his. He's actually not allowed to touch my laundry and he's so PICKY about his I won't do it. LOL

I'm working 8+ hours a day with a hour total commute (maybe) with compared to my three hour commute and 9 hour work day is wonderful.

That said, I can't imagine not working. I don't think I function that way. We couldn't make it if I didn't. We need both incomes. Hopefully, we'll be planning for a family soon and I'll take maternity leave but I won't leave my job. I did fine with a working mom, who was a single parent after I was in second grade.

But to each her own. I don't really care what someone else decides to do, i.e. I don't think it's any of my business as long it doesn't affect me or my own directly.

 

 

 

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starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 4:29 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

It is interesting. My FH would not marry someone who had the desire to be a stay at home wife or even a stay at home mom. Part of what attracted him to me is my desire to really make something of myself professionally. I obviously would not be a good match for OP's husband but then agian OP would not be a good match for mine. So I guess to each thier own?

OP, if you have a part time job does that make you a stay at home? I mean your still working right?

I know that when I was out of work a few years ago I just about went insane. Sure the house was clean and dinner was made but oh goodness I thought I was going to snap of boredom!
wedding tickers

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StarlitHolly Posts : 47 Registered: 2/23/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: starfish701

MrsM - I don't believe that by wanting to be a SAHW/M, I am setting women back 50 years. You want to know what I actually believe?
I believe this is where I'm supposed to be. I believe that the role of the wife is to be the homemaker, to be in charge of keeping the home running smoothly, to make sure my (absent-minded, hard-working) husband has food and clean clothes. And when we have children, our parenting will be an updated version of "traditional" - we plan to evenly divide taking care of the kids.
Will that mean that dH will cook and do our childrens' laundry? No. It won't. Because dH was never taught to cook growing up, for one thing, and now that he's almost 30 he probably won't learn. And as far as laundry goes, we currently do laundry once a week - not a big deal. That will go up when kids come, but by then... You get my point.
Cleaning house - I'm the one who wants it a certain way. I like a neat, tidy house whereas dH doesn't notice a mess.
I can't affect "the workforce" because I was never a career woman - although I have worked for 8 years (yes. 21. 8 years working).
Yes, it is my choice to stay home. And that is what I am choosing.
I am used to being looked at funny for my lifestyle - I was a homeschooled kid, I am also a Christian, I expect comments and such now as the norm.

Agape14 - the decision the OP has made is between herself and her dH and whether you think 7 months is long enough to give a go at something or not, the choice was made by the people it affects. Sometimes, yes, it IS impossible for the husband and wife to divide everything and get things done the way they want to - especially if they want things a certain way, like having home-cooked meals instead of eating out. The OP was working 2 jobs while her husband worked one - which is why she cut one job off. The same kind of reasoning that had me move to where my dH lives, instead of him moving to Canada.

MrsM - if you completely do not agree with the lifestyle that people such as myself and Sunni have chosen, you're not going to change our minds by talking "feminism" at us. As you've said a few times, because of feminism we have the ability to make this choice. This is what we've chosen.

MsD - I don't want to work and raise a family. I want to be home with my children. So, no, I'm not going to fight to be able to work and raise a family. That's what I'm saying.

Aunt is right - damned if you work, damned if you don't - but it is a choice that I have made to be at home (not right now. Right now, because I don't have kids, I'd be working at least a PT job if I were able to, legally) and I am going to stand by it.

HollyElise  

21. Canadian. Stay-At-Home Wife. Living in Hawaii.

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 7:49 PM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

I'm going to be a stay at home wife and mom when it's time. Quite frankly, I don't give a damn how it makes women in the workplace look or how if affects the glass ceiling. It's what's best for FH and I and we both agree on it. If I'm "stuck in the 1950's," so be it. It seems like everyone had a lot more common sense back then anyhow.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Posts : 4 Registered: 3/24/10
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 9:26 PM Go to message in response to: Sunnijoy

I am not a new bride but couldn't help but respond. I am 54 years old. I've been a stay at home since 1981. You will never regret being a stay at home wife. Yes, you'll get comments and the ever so popular, "oh, you stay home." So what? You are doing one of the best things you can do for your marriage. Being at home and making a comfortable place for you and your husband is an incredible thing. Being available for your husband makes life so good. I have seen so many two career homes and seen so much stress and misery in those homes that it's unreal. The things that stay at home wives do, like, good home cooked meals, being there for your husband and kids if any, keeping a home clean and beautiful, and all that goes with being a stay at home is what keeps marriages strong. When two people work it creates far too stressful a situation. When one stays home and one works, you sort of balance each other out at the end of the day. He gets a great home cooked meal and a wife who's not worried about going to work, and you get a husband who's happy that you're there when he gets home. NEVER let ANYONE make you feel that you're not working. Creating a happy peaceful beautiful environment for you both to be in is more important than anything else you could do. What good is two people gone working all day when your living space, kids, pets, and everything else gets neglected? THAT alone creates enough stress to ruin a relationship. Think about it, before so many women worked, the divorce rate was almost unheard of, now, divorce is like changing underwear, here today, gone tomorrow. Whether or not you have kids doesn't matter. I have a friend who's been married almost 30 years and she's been a stay at home wife. She had one child from her first marriage and never had anymore with her second of almost 30 years. When her daughter left home, she continued being a stay at home wife. They are so happy, when I talk to her on the phone, she is so cheerful and pleasant. She talks of things they do, places they go and on and on. It wouldn't be that way if they were juggling two working schedules. Be proud of what you are and what you do. Your husband is smart to find joy in you being home. As my 19 year old says, "Mom, most people I've known where the mom works too, their lives seem so cold and "unhomey" as he puts it. You're doing a wonderful thing. Just make sure you involve yourself with other things that get you out now and then, join a gym, or volunteer once in awhile, just little things here and there so you don't get bored or feel detatched from others. Forget about what anyone else says if it's negative, they're most likely jealous that yo and your hubby can pull this off. :)

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Stay at Home Wife Stigma?
Posted: Mar 24, 2010 10:22 PM Go to message in response to: StarlitHolly

Holly, maybe at 21 you think 7mths is a long time, but it's really not. And yes, it's actually entirely possible for 2 grown adults to divide housework and get everything done. How do I know this? People do it every day. I do it every day with my FH. My FH and I work hard, are very successful, and we (notice I said we, not I) still manage to keep a tidy home, eat home-cooked meals daily (well except for Fridays maybe. that's usually pizza night), and things run smoothly, if I do say so myself. So it's not impossible, people just choose to do things differently
ways. Or maybe some people are just better at multi-tasking. Who knows.

Anyway, the whole point of the OP posting on an anonymous message board was to get different opinions. So whether it's a decision that affects me or not, the point here is to give your opinon. Which I did.

I won't comment on the other elements of your posts but the one piece of advice I will leave you with though is that you're really limiting yourself if you think that you (or DH for that matter) can't learn anything new when you're "almost 30" (I bet a lot of us suddenly felt ancient reading that. lol). It's really sad to hear someone so young say something like that, but hopefully as you get older you'll learn (pardon the pun) differently.

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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