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Confused

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 11:27 AM Go to message in response to: vivistar

Dear Viv,

"Anyone who begrudges our chance to celebrate our marriage with the people we hold dear doesn't have to attend"

Therein lies the problem.

I, personally, find fake weddings to be in poor taste. Lots of people manage to arrange their lives so their actual wedding, witnessed by family and friends, is their real wedding. They wait, they save, they sacrifice and yes, they pay their own COBRA.

You had other options. You could have advanced your plans and had a beautiful white wedding, complete with bouquet toss, cake and bridesmaids, in early 2010. People can and do plan weddings in a matter of a month or two. My own wedding was planned in four months.

Having said that, you have no idea which of your family and friends might similarly find fake weddings to be distasteful. How many of those people had courthouse weddings, for whatever reason, and see no reason to put on an elaborate re-run for an audience?

Next: What am I supposed to do when your fake wedding invitation arrives in my mailbox? It is your business when you plan the event; it becomes my business when the invitation hits my mailbox.

Of course, I don't want to attend, but I am faced with the dilemma of declining politely, without having to hear "Boo hoo hoo you don't love me." .

Am I supposed to tell the truth? "Attending a wedding is expensive, in time and money. We'll do it for a real wedding, but not a fake one."

Or, just lie? "We have a prior engagement."


"And I don't EXPECT a bridal shower but since it is customary for bridesmaids to plan one, if they choose do so I will graciously accept the kindness. "

Better: "I'm sorry, but a bridal shower is not appropriate for an already-married woman. Thank you, anyway."

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: KHicks

"I got married to my husband at our courthouse,( no dress or tuxes, just shirts and jeans) en route to our new base and we have yet to have a real wedding. We're planning a September wedding and I was just wondering if its ok to start registering at different places or if I should wait till I send the invitations out. I"m so confused! Please help me."

Congrats on your marriage but you already had your wedding. The courthouse was your wedding.

 

  

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central_new_jersey , arizona
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briony Posts : 75 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: vivistar

You are married. The "bride" gig is up. A bridal shower hosted by bridesmaids (or whomever) is customary for brides-to-be, not for already-married women. That ship has sailed.


Throw a grand delayed reception to celebrate your marriage if you want to. Serve great food; dance the night away. But there is no recapturing the full "bridal experience" that passed you by when you chose to get married at the courthouse. You are a married woman, so it is silly to re-enact another wedding ceremony with all the trimmings.


And where is the hypocrisy? You get one wedding per marriage, so you have to decide where your priorities lie. If saving money on insurance is your priority, then you get married now and forego the white dress bride experience.


If family, friends, and marching down the aisle in a poofy white dress are your priorities, then you wait to get married until you can have those things. Hell, if I didn't care about those things, I'd already be married. Nobody says that the desire for a white wedding is not valid or that exchanging vows in the presence of family and friends is not important. That's why so many people here are saving and sacrificing to that end.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: vivistar

Again, vivastar, still with you here.

When it comes to weddings, the way I see it if If someone wants to give you something, be it a b-party, a wedding, their presence at your event, or anything else -- you have a right to it, plain and simple. People throw the phrase entitlement around here rather haphazardly -- you're entitled to what you pay for and what people are willing to give you. If you expect something you have no right to (and no bride has the right to expect a shower) that's bad. But to take a gift that's given? That's just being lucky enough to have people willing to extend something to you -- the exact same way you would if you were not married. From my perspective, life's to short to deprive yourself of a day with friends and family, period.

Again, just offering my (perfectly valid) perspective.

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"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: vivistar

Ladies, it is somewhat hypocritical for a bunch of people who did have the big bash and the big puffy white dress and the whole bridal experience to say that they are not important when obviously it was important enough for YOU to spend money on all the extras rather than going to the courthouse in jeans and sneakers yourself.


For those of us who had the big poofy dress and the big wedding experience, most of us WAITED or are still WAITING to have that. We didn't/aren't rushing into a civil ceremony and planning a fake wedding a year down the road because we just couldn't wait to get married. If you wanted to have your big day, you would have waited but you didn't. Obviously, life happens and you got hitched at the courthouse. Fine. But if it was so important to have your family and friends there, you would have reconsidered your guest list, invited the people who mattered most and had something small afterwards.

You will not get much support for having your fake wedding. Many women on this forum have had circumstances arise in their life but didn't turn to a courthouse marriage as their ONLY option. Like AOTB stated, you could of had an early 2010 wedding, you could of paid your COBRA or you could have done like I stated and had a small guest list for your JOP and had something very small afterwards. It was important to us to have our big day because WE WAITED. There is a big difference between waiting to have the wedding of your dreams than having a shot-gun wedding and planning the wedding that you really wanted but couldn't wait for a year later.

Seriously.

 

  

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central_new_jersey , september_2009
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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:20 PM Go to message in response to: bosoxgirl

Addressing the point about people deciding to wait until they can have a wedding to get married. . .(since people take issue with the exact sentence I quoted)

You don't have to. You can get married now and wait. If it's that important to you to have the concurrence of both the legal and the social aspect of a wedding, then you wait, as the majority of people do. It's also valid to decide to separate the two -- as many do for their own personal reasons that - in my opinion - no one has the right to judge.

Like it or not, JOP now and wedding later is a completely valid choice when you can make that happen. Making that choice may mean others will look down on your wedding (just as deciding you can't get married unless you have a big poufy wedding is also something that one could look down on) but it's a choice nonetheless. Whether guests honor that choice with their appearance is something that they all have to decide for themselves, as with any aspect of a wedding.

In my personal opinion, we would all be better off if we considered marriage and weddings as two separate, distinct events. If we did, we'd increase the likelihood that 1) people wouldn't make the stupid decision to get married because they wanted to have a wedding and 2) people would actually wait until they could afford it to have a wedding.

These conversations unite marriage and wedding in a way that, frankly, plays right into a conflation marriage and weddings that, personally, I find distasteful.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:23 PM Go to message in response to: bosoxgirl

I have to agreed. I went without health insurance for a year. My fiance offered to marry me so I would be covered on his health insurance, but I did not want that to be the reason we got married. We both wanted a wedding celebration with our family and so I waited for it.

My first marriage lasted 20 years and we didn't have a wedding at all. There was no poofy dress or fancy reception. That was just the way it was.

My Father actually had a fake wedding. He got married at the courthouse in April and then faked the wedding in May. It was my "stepbeast's" idea, but he ended up hurting a lot of people who thought it was a real wedding and later found out it was a farce. It was hurtful to us to have to pretend.

I think the OP is allowed to do anything she wants though. I mean, it's a free country and people can either accept the invitation or not. As long as she isn't lying, then I see no problem with it. That may go against good taste, but not everyone cares about that.

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central_new_jersey , north_carolina , september_2009
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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

Francie, I may be out of the loop but did you change your screen name?

 

  

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north_carolina , central_new_jersey , september_2009
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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: KHicks

I have to agree with MsD. (She always make great posts!)

I say that because if a couple wants to spend their money to have a "fake wedding" as some like to call it, that's their business, their decision, their money. Whether or not a guest decides to attend and buy a gift is again the guest's decision, the guest's money.

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

september_2008 , georgia , arizona
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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 2:47 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

(thanks divabride!)

AOTB,

What am I supposed to do when your fake wedding invitation arrives in my mailbox?

The same thing I do when a cash-bar wedding invitation arrives in my mailbox. I find invited events where I'm expected to provide the refreshments problematic but I'd never say so to the bride or groom. Both of us have to just suck it up in these situations and either lie, or go.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 3:45 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Now I'm confused. Am I missing something? Why is everyone bashing this poor women? If she wants a wedding after her courthouse ceremony it is her prerogative and nobody else's business. I have heard of this being done many times before. It's not a new concept. I just don't understand why everyone is so antagonistic toward her.

october_2011 , upstate_hudson_valley
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briony Posts : 75 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: wdubin

Sure, it's a free country and the OP can put on 100 weddings if that's her pleasure. What she cannot do is make everyone in her life ascribe the same meaning to an after-the-fact wedding as they would ascribe to a here-and-now wedding. What some of us are expressing is what is likely to go through the minds of at least some of her invited guests when the invitation appears in their mailbox.

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hljanes Posts : 57 Registered: 12/31/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: briony

I am hardly an etiquette guru, but if she's not pretending it's her wedding all over again--if she treats it as a delayed reception--and she doesn't pressure people for gifts, demand a shower, what harm is she doing?

I assume at least some guests will probably want to give her a gift.. after all, she's inviting them to a party, thrown by her, to celebrate her marriage, even if it is late. So she registers to give them options if they so desire. Assuming she understands that some people may choose not to give gifts, since it is a delayed reception, and doesn't pitch a fit if she doesn't get a ton of gifts, is she really hurting anything?

And if her friends offer to throw a shower, again without her demanding it, but because they want to do it to celebrate her marriage, what harm is that really doing?

KHicks, as long as you understand that your guests may view your reception in the light that people have described above, and as long as you're respectful of any guest's decision to not come or to not give a gift, I see no harm in registering. Just follow the etiquette rules--don't slap your guests in the face with your registry information. And for regular weddings, people usually register somewhere four to six months before the wedding, sometimes less, sometimes more. So do it when it fits into your schedule.

But I'm a wedding etiquette novice, so... whatever.

Heather

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briony Posts : 75 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 5:05 PM Go to message in response to: hljanes

I have nothing against delayed receptions. What we are talking about in this thread is going through the motions of another wedding ceremony (bridesmaids, marching down the aisle in poofy white, re-enacting the exchange of vows, etc.). That I do find silly.


Gift registry: If she wants to register for gifts, that's fine, so long as the OP understands that expensive gifts are not customary for vow renewals and so long as she understands that it may make her party look like a gift grab.


Shower: By definition, bridal showers are for brides-to-be. Once married, the time for a bridal shower has come and gone. If her friends still want to give her one, that's fine, so long as she understands that some people may get the invitation and go "Huh? Why am I getting a shower invitation for a married woman?" Or worse.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 5:37 PM Go to message in response to: briony

On some level, briony, I do agree with you, in that I think it's important that any after-the-marriage event have meaning that is specific/unique to your personal set of facts, rather than just copying wholesale what you see in a wedding magazine. (Course, I think that's true of any wedding). Although, if you really think about it, much of the formalities of weddings have roots in traditions that don't make sense to the couple at hand anyway -- for example, my father "gave" me away -- at the age of 31 to a man I was already living with and had been with for 6 years. And how many people get married at churches when they are not even particularly religious? Furthermore, how many people have showers even though they already have all the things they need to create a home?

Speaking of the shower. . .if there is someone on your list who would not understand why they were getting an invite to a shower of a married woman, then 1) that person probably doesn't know the bride that well which means that 2) the inviitation was already a gift grab. I mean, at least this way you're upfront about it.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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