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What's the deal?

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happydefiant1 Posts : 223 Registered: 7/9/09
What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 5:38 PM

FH tells me yesterday that his dad (FFIL) asked if his new wife (married less than a year) could bring her sister to the wedding... Stating that it would make her feel "more comfortable" to have someone there with her who she knows... FH and I have met said sister on one occasion when new wife brought her to a 4th of July BBQ. We didn't know she was coming along until they rang the doorbell.

We (including FFIL) have know new wife for about 2 years. She has attended MANY gatherings at our house, we've attended MANY gatherings at their house (including holidays) and we've been out with them several times. FH, myself, FSIL and FCIL all attended their civil ceremony. She has also met my parents, MOH and best man. All these people will be at my wedding.

New wife has declined the invite to the bachelorette party and declined the invite to the wedding shower. Now, she would like to invite a guest to the wedding. Am I wrong here, or is FFIL not her guest? Granted, FFIL didn't provide a guest list when we asked him for one, so I guess this could be his one person guest list. However, he was not contributing, financially or otherwise, to the wedding. Until last night when he said he would like to pay for a keg at the wedding. Something we have already ordered from the venue and budgeted for.

Question: IF we allow FFIL to pay for the keg, do we have to accept their plus one - sister? Can he pay for the keg and we decline sister? Is it ok for me to decline the sister?

I don't think this would bother me as much if it weren't 3 weeks til the wedding and we already confirmed guest count and if new wife were at least attending the bridal shower...

thanks ladies!

 

check out our wedding website: www.shawnandkathaeleen.brides.com

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

I have no opinion really on whether you have to do either per etiquette rules, but I'm pretty sure you do not have to invite just cause you take the keg. I don't know, though, but don't think you ahve to invite sister even if you take the keg. But FFIL will probably want it more if you do. Sounds like he dropped the ball in requesting before when he was asked.

However(as a second wife, a stepmom, and married to someone now a stepdad for my kids) I'll share our perspectives.

attending things like the shower, presumably on her own without husband, is very, very, very different than attending things with him, that husband's ex wife will, presumably also be at. I would decline those events as well, as I know my DH would in the reverse situation. No way would I voluntarily spend a few hours trapped in a place with my DH's ex wife and probably, her mom too. I would go to the wedding with him, go to school stuff, graduations, birthday or holiday stuff, but NOT somewhere alone with her. That may change 10 years down the road, as it has with my mom and stepmom (well, changed after my dad died). However, these two have only been together a couple years, or married acouple years? I wouldn't read anything personal into that at all. The less my particular DH's ex interferes directly in my life (by stuff like messaging my kids on myspace to complain about me and DH, texts them threatening them for talking back and forth with stepsibling while stepsibling is at her house, calls here at 11pm(DH keeps his phone off nowa t night or out on our date nights) the more likely I will be to someday be willing to do something like that. It's been 3 years and she has not stopped completely and goes in cycles. DH though has made vast improvements in setting boundaries.

So no, would not go anywehre with that woman without DH and then I would not likely be interacting much specically with her beyond what would be required.

I would NOT insist my brother be invited to the wedding also. She may just be thinking her DH will be pretty wrapped up in the wedding itself and she may just still be uncomfortable. He should have made the request back when you asked for one though.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 6:49 PM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

Dear HD,

There are battles worth fighting and there are battles not worth fighting.

One person, step-mom's sister, does not come under the battle worth fighting category, not in my opinion. Just tell her "this is it" and you may head off other last-minute requests.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I would just have your FH tell your FFIL, ok but no one else, rather than you or rather than telling her. (per what Aunt said)

But I would not read anything mean into not coming to the shower, etc (events that her DH can't go to that his Ex will go to).

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JanaJohnson Posts : 4 Registered: 3/9/10
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

Hi!

Yes, your situation is unfortunate but let's take a minute and look at the big picture.

First, your FFIL probably had the best intentions when he said that he would pay for your wedding and then finances (or perhaps the new wife) wouldn't allow him to do it.

Since you're talking about kegs, is it fair to ask if this is going to be a slightly less formal event? By that I mean that you don't have to find an extra Austrian crystal napkin ring that were custom made for your wedding.

First, as a wedding professional, let me give you some ease in knowing that your caterer is likely not going to have a problem with you adding or subtracting one or two extra people. They usually plan extra anyway but I would give them a head's up if you decide to invite your FFIL's sister-in-law.

Think of it this way, he's making the gesture of offering to pay for the keg. Whether you accept the gift or not, what he's essentially is offering is paying for his sister-in-law.

If it will keep peace in his house and it won't really take away from your day (unless you allow it to), wouldn't it be a nice gesture to let him have his wife's sister attend so that his wife won't give him a hard time.

Yes, all of your thinking is right. Yes, she does know all of your family and she should be able to socialize with other but sometimes with family's you just have to grin and bear it. It's a relatively small thing to agree to. It's not like he asked you to let his wife be a BM. :)

Show that you and your FH are bigger people and allow him (especially since this is the only person on his guest list) to have his SIL come to the wedding. It will make his wife happy (or she might pitch a fit, give him a hard time and threaten not to come to the wedding and then he has to take sides between his wife and his son) and it's no real harm and no real foul.

It's a small price to pay not to start off on the wrong foot with your husband's step-mother.

Whatever you decide, don't let it spoil your special day. I wish you and your handsome FH a lifetime of happiness.

Jana Johnson
Associate
http://bridal-bag.com/clutch-handbags.php
Bridal-Bag.com

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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I will agree with Aunt. Although I think it rather rude for FFIL to ask to bring his wife's sister, I think it will just "raise a ruckus" (as we say in the south). Three weeks away from your wedding, you don't need the stress. Unless it's going to cost you major bucks to have her, let her come.


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FutureMrsKlein Posts : 164 Registered: 5/2/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 8:19 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I would say she can come and just bite the bullet. I agree it is annoying, but it is like an olive brach.

I will say though that having a keg doesn't mean it is a low class affair. People aren't going to be doing keg-stands (most likely). Most beer, although a matter of opinion) tastes better from a keg.

northern_california , north_carolina , may_2010
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 8:48 AM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

The others are probably right that this isn't worth fighting and you should let it go....but that's not what I would do. Personally, if my wedding were 3 weeks away and all the final counts were in, I would kindly tell them that I would have been happy to accomodate the sister had I been given more notice, but given that it is the last minute and everything has been finalized, I am unable to accomodate additional guests.

The diplomatic thing to do would be to just let her come...but I wouldn't want to rearrange everything after it had already been finalized. Nor would I want to encourage rude behavior or last-minute requests from the wife in the future. And maybe I'm just feeling a little bitchy.

About the keg, I would let him decide what to do. Since you have budgeted for it, proceed as planned, under the assumption that you will be paying for it, picking it up, the whole nine yards. If dad wants to give you the money for it, great - that's his decision.

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happydefiant1 Posts : 223 Registered: 7/9/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thanks ladies!

I wanted to add that FFIL and FMIL have been divorced for over 20 years. So, their relationship break isn't fresh nor do they really talk anymore. Not sure if that matters or not. It's possible new wife is still uncomfortable being around her, but idk. It seems that since their intimate relationship has been over for awhile it wouldn't matter as much. But, every woman is affected differently by these things.

The shower is a combined one; my family, and his and also my girlfriends. So, it's not like only his family would be there to interact with her. In fact, my family is hosting it.

I can see where I should just bite the bullet on this and let the sister attend. But, we cut many immediate family members to keep the guest list down. My grandmother, brother, aunt and parents wanted to invite extras and I told them no. It wouldn't seem right to tell her yes...

About the financials and paying for the wedding: I thinks someone above mentioned that FFIL was going to pay for the wedding, but new wife said no. That is not the case. FH and I want to pay for our wedding ourselves (its a second for both of us) We wanted to be able to have full creative control and really make the wedding more 'us'. Plus, I don't expect my parents to foot the bill twice ;) The only $ we've accepted was $500 from his mom because that was her wedding gift to us to spend on what we wanted; wedding, honeymoon, gift, etc. We never asked for $ from either of our families and FFIL flat out said at the beginning that he would not be contributing. Now, last minute, he is wanting to basically reimburse us for something we already purchased. We're doing a keg because that is how our venue offers beer. I only wanted one, but FH and FFIL seem to think we need two... a whole other conversation... Our wedding is formal, but FH and I don't like champagne and we didn't want our guests to be limited to the signature drink... so, we're offering beer and here in Texas I think that's pretty normal no matter how formal the affair is...

Again, thanks so much for the advice. I'm leaning more toward no mainly because I turned down other requests from my immediate family... gotta keep it balanced, yeah?!

Eek, under 20 days!!!! and still stuff to do... it's neverending! :)

 

check out our wedding website: www.shawnandkathaeleen.brides.com

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 12:14 PM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

Dear HD,

"I can see where I should just bite the bullet on this and let the sister attend. But, we cut many immediate family members to keep the guest list down."

In that case, there's no reason to invite the sister if other people that you ACTUALLY KNOW had to be cut.

Just tell step-mom exactly that. "We had to cut other people, which was excrutiating. With that in mind, I cannot justify inviting your sister."

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yes, Aunt is right on that one. Had I known you had to cut other immediate family members I would say no too. And just like Aunt said, simply explain you had to cut other immediate family members and it wouldn't be fair.

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happydefiant1 Posts : 223 Registered: 7/9/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: BWFrancie

Aunt and Francie,

I'm going to let FH talk to his dad about it. Since, that's where the information was exchanged in the first place. Neither FFIL nor FSMIL have said anything to me about it and we had lunch on Sunday... but, it's a for sure no; the sister cannot come. I'll make sure FH tells them politely :) and let's them know that we excluded some family members and therefore, it isn't fair to let new stepmom bring her sister.

Again, ladies, you are so wise! Just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a brat about this.

Francie, I love your new pic! So cute!

 

check out our wedding website: www.shawnandkathaeleen.brides.com

 

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BWFrancie Posts : 70 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: What's the deal?
Posted: Mar 17, 2010 9:31 AM Go to message in response to: happydefiant1

Thank you! And you are very wise to let FH handle it!

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