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Not wanting Grooms Full Family

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RichelleStewart Posts : 2 Registered: 3/8/10
Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 3:21 PM

I love my fiance and a majority of his family but there are two girls, his cousin and one of his long time friends that I don't want there. It's not to be mean, its just they are attention hogs and its suppose to be my day. How do I tell my fiance I don't want them there? And what do I say when questioned on why they didn't receive an invite?

Well I talked to him...he asked me my reasons and I justified as such, and he agreed with me.
First his cousin, which I will be inviting since she is family anyway, but praying school keeps her.
Nikki (age 24), I met this past Christmas. So I had to work Christmas day...my FH was an hour and a half late picking me up, when I asked why.... he said Nikki was there and she made him lose track of time. Ok so I have to go back to his family dressed in my Disney World costume because he wasn't sure when Nikki was leaving. Then I was left in the living room to fend for myself with the rest of the family (who I just met) while they went to the other room to talk. (Keep in mind...I am from Texas and I have been in FL 7 months with little contact with my family). About an hour of sitting there listening to five different conversations I excused myself to call my family. After an hour of talking to my family and my clothes soaked from home sickness. My FH comes out to check on me. I tell him that I feel alone and upset because it's Christmas and the only person I wanted to be with besides my family forgot me at work and then left me in a living room without introducing me in clothes I had no desire to be in. So he calmed me down took me inside and we sat on the couch next to Nikki...
(more back ground Nikki is the first in the family to go to college and graduate and now she is studying to be a doctor.)
FH's Dad "Oh Richelle goes to college, tell her about what you're studying."
Me "Management and Entrepreneurship"
Nikki "Entrepreneurship what's that?"
Me "Starting my own business..."
Nikki "Oh that's it?"
I was upset I have worked my but off to get where I am today.
Me "Yeah you might need help if you decide to open your own practice."
Nikki "I won't need to I'm going to be a trauma doctor."
At this point I was ready to say something sassy, but bit my tongue.
No one else could see it but everything that came out of her mouth was condescending to everyone in the room. Her family just has her so high up on a pedestal they couldn't see it.
My family however would pick up on it because we all went to college. And she wouldn't be well recieved.

This happened in a similar way when I was looking up ways to further my education and I was thinking about joining the army to have help pay for a physical therapy doctrate. And my FH proudly boast "Nikki, looks like there's going to be another doctor in the family."
Nikki: It's not the same.
Wow...

Ok, I know I have a communication problem, because I know my FH is defensive of everything.
I always have to think about what I say before I say it with him. But I did talk about it with him and he doesn't want certain people to come either. Some of the people being Nikki's parents and his other aunts and uncles. Other reasonings behind us not wanting to invite alot of his family is we are having the wedding in TX and will have to pay traveling expense for a most of the people we bring.
The long time friend he said "he can only stand her for so long, for that same reason"


Edited by: RichelleStewart on Mar 15, 2010 1:08 PM

august_2011 , houston
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

It's hard to answer your question without any examples of their behavior. Maybe you should give us some. If they're just attention hogs, there's not really anything you can do besides invite them. If they're actually super-rude, horrible people, and you know your fiance doesn't even like them, then you'd be more justified in bringing it up to your fiance.

If they're really just attention hogs, then keep in mind you are going to be so busy and having so much fun (hopefully) on your wedding day then it's unlikely you'll notice them and what they're doing. And if they're doing something attention-grabby, it's them that will look bad, not you.

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march_2008 , southern_california , houston , august_2011
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Also, forgot to ask: how old are they? Teenagers?

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houston , march_2008 , august_2011 , southern_california
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

Dear Richelle,

" How do I tell my fiance I don't want them there?"

How do you tell your fiancé? The man you will marry? The man who will see you naked? The man who will bring you water when you're barfing up your guts with the flu? The man whose snoring will lull you to sleep for the rest of your life? (I speak from experience.)

My dear, if you can't talk to this man about not inviting a couple of his relatives, I suggest you have serious communication problems.

"And what do I say when questioned on why they didn't recieve an invite? "

MYOB.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

Unless these two people did something really inappropriate to you or you can give us a lot more information as to how they will ruin your wedding day, I cannot support NOT inviting your fiances cousin and one of his closest friends. How do you think he will feel about this? And how do you expect him to explain it to his own cousin, a family member, and a close friend, when they inevitably ask him? "Oh yeah, sorry about that, friend for life, but my fiance thinks you are too much of an attention whore, so she told me not to invite you. And by the way, after Im married, you can find my balls in a jar on the top shelf."

These are his family and friends. Shouldnt he have some say in whether or not they get invited to HIS wedding? And again, unless there is more you arent telling us here, I just do not think that "its my day and they will take attention away from me" is a valid reason to not invite them.

Now, if your fiance doesnt care either and hes not close to these people, then just dont invite them. But the way you posed your question makes me think your fiance DOES want them there, and I dont think its right for you to decide for him they shouldnt be there, especially for selfish reasons.

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houston , october_2006 , august_2011
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

And by the way, after Im married, you can find my balls in a jar on the top shelf.

LMAO!!!!

Edit: Copying the OP just in case post gets deleted:

I love my fiance and a majority of his family but there are two girls, his cousin and one of his long time friends that I don't want there. It's not to be mean, its just they are attention hogs and its suppose to be my day. How do I tell my fiance I don't want them there? And what do I say when questioned on why they didn't recieve an invite?

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Edited by: HappyGirl13 on Mar 13, 2010 2:58 PM

october_2006 , march_2008 , houston , august_2011 , southern_california
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 6:14 PM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

It's your wedding and you and your FH can invite (or not invite) anyone you chose. But just remember there most likely be negative consequences if you don't invite them, especially the cousin because she is a relative. I would ask myself if I would rather put up with them, or rather have certain family/friends angry at me for a very long time. Because the blame is most likely going to fall on you, even if your FH agrees not to invite them. Good luck.

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houston , august_2011 , north_carolina
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

OH yeah...the blame will hit you.

First wedding? XH and XH's mom/stepmom/dad left someone off of the list we were given. We invited EVERYONE they asked us to invite.

This person showed up to the rehearsal dinner and berated ME for not sending them an invite (then hello, why the hell are you at my rehearsal dinner, you rude cow!). I apologized profusely and told them that since we invited everyone that we were given the name of, it must have gotten lost in the mail. (She assumed it was, but yelled at me for the LOST MAIL? Yeah, I wonder if the oversight was intentional.)

Got home, looked at the list...that name was NOT on it at all.

My XH also had a gay aunt with a partner (together for probably 15 years at that point). XH's dad (the aunt's brother) didn't give me the partner's name. I didn't know she had one. We didn't put her name on the invite.

The gay aunt came sans partner. She didn't call me and ask if she could bring her (this was 1995)When she mentioned her partner in conversation to me, I was like "I am so sorry! I didn't know you had a partner or I'd have invited her too!" She gave me a big hug and said she wished she had, but I really got the feeling she was quite used to her partner not being invited to family functions.

Oftentimes, we brides are at the mercy of the groom's parents....the FMIL in particular. She can pare that guest list down, exclude people at will....and most groom's will not notice (unless they are paying attention and actually sit down and help with the list). And you WILL be the one blamed for not inviting Dear Aunt Sally's precious Joey (because he knocked the cake over at the last wedding he went to. FMIL cuts him because he can't behave and Aunt Sally won't make him behave. But you're having kids at your wedding and you don't know about Aunt Sally or Cousin Joey) or FMIL has a grudge against someone and leaves them off...leaving you to bear the brunt of the affront.

As the bride, you usually know all of the politics of your own family dynamic. It's the groom's family dynamic that you know nothing about. You do not know the landmine that will explode when you invite only two of three sisters, because the third sister pissed off your FMIL 12 years ago and she is finally able to exact some form of retribution. But you'll be the one held to account. (hopefully not as rudely as the one who came ANYWAY to my first wedding.)

Misty

north_carolina , september_2009 , august_2011 , houston
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RebeccaFazzio Posts : 323 Registered: 10/28/07
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 3:37 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Oh dear, misty. Your XMIL sounded like a monster!

To the OP:

I really don't see your FH being okay with this unless they have ruined special occasions before. You mentioned one was his long time friend. If I told FH that he couldn't invite one of his long time friends simply because I didn't care for him I'm pretty sure he would tell me where to go stick it. (I also wouldn't do this but that is besides the point.)

My FH has one of his really good friends as a groomsmen who I simply do not care for. He is attention seeking and our personalities clash however I would not dream of excluding him because of my reasons. There is a reason FH is friends with him and I fully respect that as should you.

To love another person is to see the face of God.

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north_carolina , september_2009 , louisiana , houston , october_2010 , august_2011
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: RebeccaFazzio

Rebecca, actually it was an XSMIL (I had the MIL stereo type and the Step Mom stereotype rolled into one) <G>

I also had a groomsman who drove me batty. DH's BEST FRIEND. The guy he called his "wing man" (god only knows what that means to a guy, but there you have it). He would never return calls, update us on anything, etc. He was the original best man. (ALL of DH's wedding party side had to cancel on us due to the economy. We ended up asking his brother and a friend of ours locally who was doing a reading, if they would mind standing up. YES they knew they were replacements--but they are also people we already had in the wedding doing other things.)

I did not trust this man farther than I could kick him, and that's not very far. But it turns out that the reason he was being so incommunicado was that he was trying everything he could to scrape the money togethre to come. He collects antique swords -- and unbeknownst to us -- he SOLD his entire collection so he could come to our wedding.

Then his company told him "sure, you can take vacation time...but if you do, we can't guarantee you won't be laid off while you're on vacation."

We told him NOT to come. His job was not worth it. And he put the money he got from the sale of th swords into a rainy day account, as clearly his job is completely unstable.

I'm a lot more sympathetic towards him now--but during planning, he constantly annoyed me. I never asked DH to replace him or ditch him.

Misty

louisiana , north_carolina , september_2009 , houston , october_2010 , august_2011
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

Suck it up and invite them. It's his wedding, too, and you're talking about his cousin and a close friend. Unless they have assaulted you in some way (and if so, I question why you're marrying someone who is still friends with these people), you have nothing but selfish reasons for not inviting them. And if that's the case, I question why your FH is marrying someone who is so selfish that she wouldn't allow his cousin and close friend at the wedding for fear that they might take attention from her.

In reality, there really isn't much that can take attention away from a bride on her wedding day. And when there is, it's never in a good way and the 'attention whore' ends up looking like a real ass. So I wouldn't worry about them taking positive attention away from you. Worst case scenario is that one of them makes a scene and everyone sees her for the person she really is.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

august_2011 , houston
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wdubin Posts : 49 Registered: 4/27/08
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 4:05 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

You can't not invite close people of your fiancés simply because you fear they may take attention away from you.

houston , october_2011 , upstate_hudson_valley , august_2011
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SMGray Posts : 84 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 4:07 PM Go to message in response to: RichelleStewart

You have to invite cousins to a wedding if you're inviting other cousins. Family members are not friends... you don't get to choose them. It is entirely up to your FH how much of his family he wants to invite, but if he's inviting all of this other cousins, that ones gotta get an invite too.

As far as friends go, that may be up for a little discussion, but don't count on knocking a close friend off the list. My FH has a particularly obnoxious friend I don't really see eye to eye with. The first time I met him he told me: "you're better than the last one but you won't last long." I saw him when I was out with friends one night and decided it would be nice to say hi. He implied that I was trying to sneak around my FH's back by being out at a bar with friends. He said "if you worried about me telling him you're out, I won't" I told him I just wanted to say hello and that FH knew where I was, to which he responded "yea right!"... 5 minutes later, my FH called me to ask if everything was okay, not only did his friend call to say he saw me out (which FH knew!!!) the friend also told my FH that I was definitely too drunk to drive home and that he should come get me (haha! little did the friend know I had only been at the bar 10 minutes- FH was a little confused that I could have gone from putting on mascara to plastered in 35 minutes).

Obviously, this guy and I have some issues with one another. I think he's just generally disrespectful to women, my FH says I'm misunderstanding his sense of humor. Whatever the case, this friend will be at our wedding, and I'll be friendly and welcoming to him like I always am- they've know eachother since they were 2, he was friends with FH through the death of both of his parents, more girlfriends than I care to think about, and the demise of my FH's first marraige. There's no way I would ever think of discluding this person from something so important just because I could do without him. He's incredibly important to my FH. The only request I made was that this guy not be in the wedding party. I explained to FH that I would never have anyone stand up next to us while we got married if they were disrespectful or dismissive of our relationship. He understood exactly what I was implying and picked some more supportive friends for groomsmen.

It's fine not to be best friends with everyone on your FH's guest list. Trust me, this guy and my future SIL (brother's wife, not immediate sister) will be FAR away from the sweetheart table at our reception. If you have an issue with these girls, then don't ask them for coffee, but family needs to be invited and so do the people your fiance loves (i.e. a close friend). These things are most likely not up for debate, so broach the subject carefully with your FH- you might be in for some harsh words if you come at him berating his closest friends and family.

"And so I come, to be the one, who's always standing close to you."- Van Morrison

maine , houston , august_2011
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 14, 2010 5:25 PM Go to message in response to: SMGray

You have to invite cousins to a wedding if you're inviting other
cousins. Family members are not friends... you don't get to choose them.

I respectfully disagree. You are under no obligation to invite people simply because they are family members. Whether or not to invite someone should be decided based on the couple's (or the relevant person in the couple) relationship with that person, not based on blood alone. There are branches of my family that I am not close to and have only met a few times in my life. Do these people deserve equal treatment as relatives that play a big part in my life? I don't think so. We only invited family members that we are close to. If the rest of them are mad about it, that's too bad. If they wanted a wedding invitation, they should have tried harder over the course of our lives to get to know us, so that we would have actually wanted them there.

That said, my opinion on the OP's situation is still the same. It sounds like her FH wants both people to be there, and I think he has just as much right to invite close family members and friends as she does. Unless the OP comes back with legitimate reasons not to invite these two people, I think she's being incredibly selfish and needs to chill and let her FH invite his close friend and cousin.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

maine , houston , august_2011
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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Not wanting Grooms Full Family
Posted: Mar 15, 2010 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: SMGray

"You have to invite cousins to a wedding if you're inviting other cousins."

I am disagreeing with this. My FH's fathers side is where all of his cousins are located but like I have said in previous posts, FH hasn't seen these cousins for almost 15 years (FMIL & FFIL divorced 15 years ago) accept for one cousin because they are very close. They see each other all the time. Just because we send an invite to close cousin doesn't mean I am obligated to invite his other 10 cousins (and aunts and uncles for that matter) whom he never sees. If they talk about us because they didn't get an invite, so be it. I can't justify inviting family whom we never, ever see (and I have never met) to my wedding.

OP, what are these girls doing that you don't like??

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maine , houston , central_new_jersey , august_2011
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