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Confused

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KHicks Posts : 1 Registered: 7/15/09
Confused
Posted: Mar 11, 2010 4:36 PM

I got married to my husband at our courthouse,( no dress or tuxes, just shirts and jeans) en route to our new base and we have yet to have a real wedding. We're planning a September wedding and I was just wondering if its ok to start registering at different places or if I should wait till I send the invitations out. I"m so confused! Please help me.

arizona
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JanaJohnson Posts : 4 Registered: 3/9/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 11, 2010 5:29 PM Go to message in response to: KHicks

Hi!

Congratulations on your marriage! :)

I know it probably wasn't the way you dreamed of your wedding but I'm glad you're looking forward to your "real" wedding in September.

When you register isn't important but when the "where" of where you registered gets "leaked" is what's important.

You, as the bride, can't notify people where you're registered unless they directly ask. I mean, it's not like you can include a card in with your invitation to tell people where you're registered. But once the invitations go out, then family members or close friends (like your bridal party) can let guests know where you're registered.

Perhaps you don't want to have anyone tell people where you're registered now because they won't know if they're being invited to the wedding.

On the other hand, there will be close family members and friends who might want to give you a gift now since you're already married.

When my niece "eloped" in Las Vegas last January (we all knew about it), most of us also knew that she was "getting married" again with the reception and everything last summer, so no one bought her a gift until the summer wedding. But they had been living together for a couple of years so there was no rush to get gifts to her since we knew she wasn't in dire need for cookware, dishes, etc. and waiting wasn't going to be an issue.

If you and your husband are setting up house for the first time and are in need of things, you can casually mention where you registered to close family members and friends who might want to give you your gift now. If that's not the case, you can just tell those people who will want to know where you're registered after the invitations go out.

Hope that helps and I wish you both so much happiness! :)

Jana Johnson
Associate
Bridal-bag.com

registering , arizona , wedding_gifts
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 11, 2010 8:17 PM Go to message in response to: KHicks

Dear KH,

You are already married. Do you expect a load of gifts?

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 11, 2010 9:15 PM Go to message in response to: KHicks

Your wedding was "real," whether there were two people or two hundred, and whether you wore poofy white or jeans. You will be having a belated reception and you may or may not do a vow renewal. The important thing is to be honest with people, whatever your decision.
As for registering, you can do it any time you want. Since you won't be publicizing it, the basic guideline is that if people ask, you (or your family, bridal party) can say where you're registered. If they don't ask, you don't announce it. Are you expecting to have a (belated) shower? If so, it's thrown by someobdy else (not you or your Mom), and shower invites can contain registry info. (but wedding invites should not).

myra@classysassyweddings.com

november_1975 , arizona
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briony Posts : 75 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Do people really have belated (post-marriage) "bridal" showers? Wow. I thought post-marriage "weddings" were highly unusual until I started hanging out here. But a bridal shower for an already-married woman is news to me!

florida , arizona , may_2010 , november_1975
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 2:37 PM Go to message in response to: briony

Dear Br,

"Do people really have belated (post-marriage) "bridal" showers?"

Greed and a sense of entitlement have been around since the dawn of time.

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myras Posts : 396 Registered: 2/26/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: briony

"People" DO lots of things--whether or not they should do them is another question. If you hang around here long enough, you'll hear everything under the sun that people do. In fact, just when you think you've heard everything, someone pops up with a new, beyond-comprehension etiquette no-no.
myra@classysassyweddings.com

arizona , florida , may_2010 , november_1975
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 12, 2010 10:42 PM Go to message in response to: myras

Myra,
I was the victim of such a horrible situation. It's a long story, but I can sum it up. My Dad hooked up with a woman who was a complete psycho. (and I really mean psycho)

They met in Jan. and by March she had talked him into marrying her. The wedding was to be in May. The women of my Dad's church (who adore my Dad and wanted him to be happy) offered to do the whole wedding. Well, the "stepbeast" talked my Dad into eloping in April. My Dad pretty much ordered us not to tell anyone they were married. He thought it would hurt the feelings of the women of the church if their plans to put on the wedding were ruined. So, my siblings and I were part of the whole farce, and it was one of the worst days of my life. Needless to say, my Dad (who is truly a smart and good man) woke up six months later and left her. What a mess.

If people get married, they really should tell everyone the truth. And they shouldn't expect another wedding or gifts, etc. To me, it is really tacky. I am sure there are exceptions to this rule, such as military weddings, etc. I'm not sure what these exceptions are, but I think they should be few!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

north_carolina , florida , arizona , november_1975 , may_2010
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delmarplatinumb... Posts : 33 Registered: 5/29/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 12:50 AM Go to message in response to: KHicks

You are already married. It was a real wedding as you to are really legally married.

As far as your vow renewal party, dont register.You are already married. You lost out on the gift grab when you already got married without registering. Doing it now is very tacky.

southern_california , arizona , may_2010
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briony Posts : 75 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 10:08 AM Go to message in response to: myras

Now I'm just waiting for a married woman to pop up here and complain that nobody is planning her bachelorette party. After all, that thing at the courthouse was just a legal technicality and it's not really a wedding until you get to march down the aisle in poofy white, preceeded by a bevy of bridesmaids.

arizona , november_1975 , florida , may_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 1:58 PM Go to message in response to: briony

Dear Briony,

"Now I'm just waiting for a married woman to pop up here and complain that nobody is planning her bachelorette party"

I've seen worse on this message board.

" After all, that thing at the courthouse was just a legal technicality and it's not really a wedding until you get to march down the aisle in poofy white, preceeded by a bevy of bridesmaids."

Which is totally insulting to the many happy couples who started their married life at the courthouse, that being their one and only wedding. My SIL got married, almost 41 years ago, at a Las Vegas courthouse, wearing jeans. Try telling her she's not "really" married. You'll get an earful, that's for sure.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 13, 2010 2:22 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Every wedding is special....but if you want the poofy white, then wait for the poofy white. Being married is rather like being pregnant. You are or you aren't.

Misty

september_2009
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vivistar Posts : 1 Registered: 3/15/10
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I got legally married to my husband at the courthouse almost a year before the December wedding we've been planning and saving for since we got engaged last summer. I got laid off and rather than pay needlessly for COBRA we made the decision to get legally married so I could be covered by his insurance. It was hardly the ideal circumstance but we did what made the best financial sense for us as a couple. I ended up finding another job quickly but what's done is done. We are legally husband and wife, very happily so even though it was not the wedding we always hoped for. We're not lying to anyone or keeping any secrets. Everybody knows we had the civil ceremony.
We have a real MARRIAGE but have yet to have a real WEDDING with family and dear friends present. That is important to us so we are going forward with our December wedding as originally planned. The only thing different is that the oficiant does not pronounce us husband and wife at the end of the ceremony. Anyone who begrudges our chance to celebrate our marriage with the people we hold dear doesn't have to attend. And I don't EXPECT a bridal shower but since it is customary for bridesmaids to plan one, if they choose do so I will graciously accept the kindness. Ladies, it is somewhat hypocritical for a bunch of people who did have the big bash and the big puffy white dress and the whole bridal experience to say that they are not important when obviously it was important enough for YOU to spend money on all the extras rather than going to the courthouse in jeans and sneakers yourself.

september_2009
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: vivistar

Well yes, and that's why those of us who wanted that, WAITED. THat's kind of the point. You had your reasons, so did we, and once you are married, well, you are married. The OP here was asking about registering, and that's just tacky. Vow renewals are fine, but no one should lie to their guests and for a vow renewal, I would not expect people to bring a gift, of course, also didn't expect that for our wedding. People did anyway though.

Still, we chose to wait until we could pay for the wedding we wanted. Not huge, not extravagant, but what we wanted. We also didn't want to wait any longer than we did, and so adjusted our budget and plans accordingly.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

september_2009 , march_2007
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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Confused
Posted: Mar 16, 2010 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: vivistar

Ladies, it is somewhat hypocritical for a bunch of people who did have the big bash and the big puffy white dress and the whole bridal experience to say that they are not important when obviously it was important enough for YOU to spend money on all the extras rather than going to the courthouse in jeans and sneakers yourself.

Amen to that.

The OP never said she wasn't married. She said she wanted a real wedding. The word wedding encompasses several meanings, and does not necesarily include a marriage -- and Webster's definition backs me up on that one. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wedding)

If you register for a marriage, then she's in the wrong here. However, if you register for wedding, then it's perfectly fine for her to register. Those who are interested in buying gifts will have a place to look; those who do not won't bother.

To the original poster, if she's even around anymore -- it may make sense to register somewhere if you think people are going to want to buy you gifts. Personally, I keep a registry open 24/7, 365 days a year, available to anyone for birthdays, anniversaries, whatever -- it's called my Amazon wish list. Which is why I don't really consider registries tacky, under any circumstances.

It's the advertising of a registry that's tacky -- don't publish it. Let those who want to buy you gifts (and they may upon hearing of your marriage) come to you or your close friends and family to find out if/where you are registered.

Good luck.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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