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My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Yeah, and health insurance.

You'd be surprised at how fast you can blow through 200k in one unexpected hospital visit. Heaven forbid something happen. I would never wish that on anyone, but it happens. Any unexpected accident or illness can cost you more than 200k a day. PLEASE think about this. Please.

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upstate_hudson_valley , new_york_metro , south_carolina , june_2010 , march_2010 , april_2011 , march_2008 , southern_california
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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 6, 2010 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

i just think that dating for 3 years is not a good enough reason to get married. Sorry!

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upstate_hudson_valley , new_york_metro , south_carolina , june_2010 , march_2010 , april_2011 , march_2008 , southern_california , central_new_jersey
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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 6, 2010 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Honestly, I'd wait to finish school first. Dealing with your first year(s) of marriage can be rough and you really don't want the added stress of school on top of all the adjusts.

It doesn't matter if you've lived together for years, things still change between you and him when you get married, because hey, you're married now. Unless you're quick to just throw in the towel when things get rough, you can't just easily pick up and move or leave when your finances are involved.

You said you do not have a job, so I take it you will be relying on him to provide financially for everything? I see you mentioned something about an inhertance but why? Unless your father is very ill and will be giving it to you soon, what does it matter? When my parents pass both my sister and I will be very well off due to all the savings and other stuff my parents have accumulated over the years financially. Sure it's nice to know that someday we'll inherit quite a bit, however that's not something I'm factoring into our expenses right now, as it won't be available to us for quite some time- both my parents are pretty healthy and I hope they live for years to come.

Where will you be living when you get married? No one dreams of getting married and settling back into mom and pops house right after the wedding because they're too young to afford a place to live. And I'm sorry, but unless you both have lost your jobs (which can happen with this economy right now), living as a married couple with your parents (unless you're taking care of them) is just not acceptable, as it's proof you were too young to get married in the first place and didn't think it through very well.

Granted, I agree 19 is a bit young, and I could be more leiniate if say you were already in a career or a job that pays well, but you're not, you're a student. I too was a college student at 19. I had recently gotten out of a 3 year relationship with my high school sweetheart and into another relationship that last 3 and a half years with a guy who turned into a real loser. At different points in time, I thought I was going to marry those guys - while it's a mystery as to whether high school guy and I would have gotten married had things that happened been different, I am VERY THANKFUL I did not marry the guy I was with for most of college. I thought I was going to marry him within our first few months of marriage, and he was a great guy the first 2 years or so, but then he changed and I realized I didn't want to marry a guy like him anymore.

Just curious, you say your tuition has already been paid for - how so? Is your dad providing the money and if so, will he continue to pay for it if you get married before you graduate ? Financial aid? My parents had a college account set up for me that they started saving up for from the time I was young. They were willing to pay for my school so long as I followed their rules to some extent (no tats or unapproved piercings until after I graduated was one example, as my parents hate them). If I were to get married before graduation, I guess it would depend on the guy, as I know if it were to the guy I was with in college, dad would have said no (mom and dad weren't fond of him and dad winced everytime I mentioned marrying this guy). Had it been DH though, they probably would have been okay with paying for me to finish as they liked him, however I know they would have suggested I wait til I finish, just so I didn't have the added stress of planning a wedding while in school and working (I worked a part time job the whole time I was in school just to have some spending money for myself and then later when I goofed up and needed to cover my own rent and utilites so we'd be able to pay the rest of my tuition to finish).

What's the hurry? If it's meant to be, you'll still be together and able to get married after you finish school... why rush?

Here's a good article to check out too, stating certain things a woman should do on her own before getting married. Granted, there's a few I don't necessarily agree with (mainly #9 - i think it should be date instead of have sex with), but it is some good advice.

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september_2008 , south_carolina , april_2011 , illinois_chicago
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LeopardPrintBride Posts : 17 Registered: 2/20/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 26, 2010 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

As a young bride to be, myself, I can understand to a certain extent where you are coming from. I was engaged 'underage' and while living under my mother's roof, and at the time, I planned to be married as soon as I turned eighteen.

Flash forward to the present, and I am eighteen, and planning to be married in October of 2011.

Why? Because schooling took a priority in FH's life (he is 3yrs. my senior and was completing tech school) and took up a larger amount of time than his job. Because my own schooling (high school) did not end pleasantly and that plan took a while to recover. Because my mother was extremely dysfunctional, and at seventeen, the environment became so toxic that I was forced to make a decision to leave.

Now, we're living together. We're experiencing that and realizing that while there is so much we can do while married (schooling is not going to be an issue with us, for example, because we'll both be attending the same university), we want to plan a little better before taking that step. We want to have the money for the wedding completely squared away, and want to move past the recent troubles that have plagued both of our families before bringing on the stress of planning a wedding.

Basically, it has nothing to do with your age. You are not too young to be married because you are nineteen, you're too young to be married because your planning is faulty, and you're relying on things such as your father's will and other assets that do not always pan out. Your maturity level would be better shown if you made decisions that proved you knew what you were doing, and carried out said plan with less defiance than it sounds like you might, out of spite for your father's rules.

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18. Young bride-to-be. Cohabitating. Planning an Oct. 2011 wedding.
 
 

tennessee , new_york_metro , october_2011 , april_2011 , south_carolina , march_2010
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Leli Posts : 89 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 26, 2010 2:29 PM Go to message in response to: LeopardPrintBride

LeopardPrint,

I was wondering how you're going to pay for school, as well as living expenses, while you're married? I as because if you're planning on asking for financial aid, once you're married they're going to take into account both of your incomes, and you'll get less aid.

april_2011 , south_carolina , new_york_metro , march_2010 , tennessee , october_2011
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jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 26, 2010 9:04 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

You've gotten a lot of good responses I think, but I want to add my two cents.

I think of myself as a pretty young bride. I am, however, a bit older than you are, and would like to add my perspective. I've been dating my FH since we were in eighth grade. He's always been certain that we would end up together (I haven't been as certain, when I moved 1200 miles away I thought it would be best to break up, but that didn't last very long). However, had we gotten engaged and married four years ago (when we were at your current age) I am certain it would have been a disaster.

We will have been together around nine years when we get married, and I don't regret waiting even a tiny bit. Over the four years of our undergraduate schooling, we grew a lot as independent people. We didn't grow apart (although there's never a guarantee that you won't, another reason to wait...), but the important take away is that we did need the time to grow, each of us on our own.

I treasure the fact that I got to live life on my own for those years and got to test out making my own friends separately and really figure out where I want to go and who I want to be. I mean, when I started college, I had no idea I was going to want to stay out East, or that I was going to want to go to law school. I entered as an ed major, and came out with a degree in social sciences, headed off to law school and now instead of teaching want to work for the government.

What I'm trying to say, is I'm a wholly different person from who I was at 19, even though I'm now only 22 (just a few days from 23!) If you are meant to be together, you will still be together after you finish college, but there's just no reason to rush in if your reasons are things like wanting to get to spend more time with each other, or wanting to get away from your father's rules or whatever. I know people who have dove in too soon and regretted it, but I don't know anyone who has waited a little extra time and regretted that.

minnesota , may_2010 , april_2011 , south_carolina
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LeopardPrintBride Posts : 17 Registered: 2/20/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 26, 2010 9:27 PM Go to message in response to: Leli

Leli:

This has already been factored out, completely. Our financial aid will be cut, yes, but will still be more than enough to pay for schooling. I qualify for the added bonus of receiving extra funds for having gone the year following high school without a break, and as long as a certain GPA / a certain number of credited hours is maintained, there are other financial aid bonuses to qualify for, as well.

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18. Young bride-to-be. Cohabitating. Planning an Oct. 2011 wedding.
 
 

south_carolina , april_2011 , tennessee , march_2010 , new_york_metro , october_2011
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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 27, 2010 10:19 PM Go to message in response to: Leli

Leli: Once FH and I are married, I will be making a ton more in financial aid than I am now. My parents are pharmacists, so right now I receive zero since I'm still their dependent. Once we're married, I will be getting a lot more aid than zero. It really is case-by-case.

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Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

june_2010 , new_york_metro , october_2011 , april_2011 , upstate_hudson_valley , south_carolina , march_2010 , tennessee
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Leli Posts : 89 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 27, 2010 11:29 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Amy- I actually thought about that I after I wrote my post, but I figured it's still something that students need to think about even if it doesn't apply to you specifically. I think it's good to ask these questions in case there are other young brides that haven't thought about these things. :)

new_york_metro , upstate_hudson_valley , south_carolina , march_2010 , june_2010 , tennessee , april_2011 , october_2011
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jlily Posts : 3 Registered: 1/31/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 28, 2010 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Hi Mrs J.,

As I'm sure you are aware, deciding to get married is a very big decision. Its fun to be engaged and to plan a wedding, but beyond the wedding, and kissing your husband every morning, there are many tough aspects to marriage that have to be thought of. Things that were mentioned in prior posts such as finances, and health insurance, in addition to lifestyle and attitudes. Have you talked about children? If you both want them, how many, when? Have you set long-term goals for yourself? Are you on a career path? I know that you said you are still in school, but at 19, you should have some idea of a 5 year plan, for yourself, and unfortunatley, in this economy, two people living off of one salary is very very difficult.

I know from your post that you said that you are very mature, but have you had to deal with things such as paying bills, going to work everyday, and taking care of someone?

I only ask you these questions to caution you. I chose to get engaged right out of college, which was an awful decision (the guy was awful too). I had a good job, but still wasn't nearly as independent as I thought. I gave up the good job, went back to school for a masters, and started dating the man of my dreams. We live together now and are engaged. He has a good job, and is in school working toward his masters. Because of my experience last time, I knew what questions I had to ask myself this time to know that I was old enough and mature enough.

At 19 I felt very mature, and had quite a bit of life experience, but developmentally, there is still alot that happens in the next few years that will help to prepare you for your future. I think its really important for you to concentrate on yourself before concentrating on being a Mrs.

You should by all means enjoy your engagement, but make it a long one. Finish school, maybe start planning for the year after you graduate. This will give you time to save for the wedding, scope out lots of things that you might want (or not want), and more importantly, it will give you time to establish yourself as an adult.... that way it might be easier for your dad to accept that his little girl is getting married.

Best wishes and good luck!

Life well, laugh often, love much.

upstate_hudson_valley , south_carolina , april_2011 , august_2011
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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

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