Living together before marriage

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 12:03 PM

What is everyones stance on living together before marriage? Me and boyfriend don't see anything wrong with it. Last night I got a call from one of the woman from church telling me that I could no longer be part of the bible study class I had signed up for because I was living with my boyfriend and she said that "Cohabitation is SIN". I told boyfriend what she had said and he said "No where in the bible does it say a man and a woman can't live together before marriage''.
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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and am actually happy that I am living with FH before we get married. We've faced things that we wouldn't have ever faced if we haven't lived together, and have learned so much more about each other before were getting married, so I definitly think it's for the better. What if we weren't able to work through our differences and found that out after we got married?

As for your church, I would talk to the pastor about what the lady said to you. What is your church's beliefs on cohabitation? Remember, there will always be people in the church who will think something is a sin, or look down on others for something that they do, but that one person shouldn't be a representation of the whole church. If the whole church is going to judge you though, I would find a new church. Church is supposed to be welcome to everyone, you don't want to be apart of one that kicks you out just because you live with your FH.

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 12:34 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I personally don't have an issue with it (we bought a house together before we got engaged), but apparently some studies on living together before marriage suggest that it can increase your rate of divorce/dissolution of the relationship.

The basic reasons are that after living together for some time, marriage might result from pressure rather than a genuine desire to to be married (either parental/social pressure or one person thinking "well we're already living together so I guess we might as well get married"). Also, a big factor is why you decided to live together in the first place (bad reasons being 1. to keep the other person at bay regarding the marriage question; 2. purely financial; 3. escape from family issues; 4. simple convenience, etc etc).

It's a lot easier to get out of a bad relationship when you don't live with someone. When you live together instead of just focusing on whether this is the person for you, you'll also be bogged down by the hassle of splitting possessions, breaking leases/selling a house etc etc. So while I don't have a problem with it personally, it's not something I would recommend that everyone do unless their relationship was very strong and the couple was already marriage-bound (for good reasons).

On the other hand, a lot of couples in their first year of marriage run into a lot of issues because they didn't realize that living with another person can be VERY stressful (how you handle chores, messy person vs. neat freak, how you handle entertaining, how you spend your free time etc etc). I know of one couple who separated for a time after marriage for issues I saw as clearly being technical living issues (she's messy and he's super neat, major conflict over cleaning up), but which they thought (at the time) were evidence of deeper relationship problems. They worked things out eventually, but that's something that me and FH figured out in our first 3mths of living together and so those stresses won't be new to us after we get married.

All that to say, I think it's a very personal decision, and I don't have one definitive opinion =)

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

For us, living together before marriage definitely has been a huge positive.

When you're living with someone, you learn how to effectively communicate and solve conflicts. When you're just dating but not cohabitating, you can run away. You can hang up the phone, you can ignore it, etc etc. When you're living with someone you really learn that you have to solve your problems, and that there is no way of running away from them. We learned to communicate so much more effectively once we were officially under one roof.

You also learn while cohabitating to compromise and let things go. He might learn to deal with your bathroom stuff taking over while you might learn to deal with his socks on the floor. Or you might compromise and put half of your hair products in the cabinet.

Marriage is a major transition in life. You (somewhat) merge your identity with another's while still trying to retain your individualism. Marriage takes some adjustments, as does living with a significant other. I liked taking them each one step at a time, as otherwise it could have caused unneeded stress.


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Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 1:04 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I'd rather live with my boyfriend before marriage. Sometimes, everything changes when two people live together. You see his disgusting habits, he hears you snore in your sleep... I think it's best to see what you are "getting into" before wedding bells ring.

As for that lady who said you can't be in her bible study group, you tell her that you are forming your own bible study class and it's going to be 100 times cooler than hers! =P


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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

FH and I dont live together. I wouldnt mind though. I defenitely understand and wish we didnt have to take two bombshells at once with getting married and moving in together because I agree when people say that no matter how much time you spend together, living together is still a whole different story.

Now with what your BF said about the bible and living together - I agree - I think people just see living together as leading to the "real" sinful part like having sex (or even kissing for some people!) And so from how I see it thats why a lot of churches dont encourage living together (although you shouldnt be kicked out of bible study for it lol).

My POV on this is that in this day and age, living together is the least "sinful" step couples take and if a couple is doing everything else thats considered a sin together but make a big deal of not living together, then its a bit hypocritical. Its one thing to just choose not to live with your SO till you're married. I personally have just always wanted to take that step only with my husband and Im happy that I managed to do that. Its another thing when people dont move in together because its a sin but you know they're doing everything else in the book.

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

As Myra stated, if you & your FH choose to live together before getting married then you shouldn't feel guilty about doing so. As long as you two are both comfortable living together, I see no issue here. For that bible lady to go & basically call you a sinner, that is absurd!

My FH & I lived together for a little over one & a half years before getting engaged & we'll be living together for 3 years before we walk down the aisle, dating for five years. We are so glad that we took the time to experience separate livings situations as well as living together. There are a lot of things that you learn about an individual when you live together. It's been a great experience for us.

"Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do." -Rod Stewart

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

Actually the Bible states that fornication is a sin. If you are living together it is probably assumed that the two of you are sleeping together (fornication) If your Church believes sex before marriage is a sin and practices that belief you and FH are continuing to sin and you can not be forgiven for a sin if you do not repent and stop doing it.. The Bible states Jesus told the woman who was about to be stoned that she was forgiven and to sin no more.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 5:29 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Hey Kennys- I know you weren't implying that the OP WAS in fact having sex, but I know that's the assumption of many- that when you live together you are for sure having sex. It drove me NUTS when DH and I moved in together. No one believed us that we weren't or hadn't, especially MIL. Sure, we had every reason to, we were engaged, going to be married in about 6 months, why not? So everyone assumed we were and bugged the crap out of me! ugh! Anyway, enough of my soapbox!

Anyway, the PP's have all given great advice, and what matters is what the two of YOU believe and feel. If you feel it's wrong, then living together will make you feel bad creating tension and problems in your relationship. But if you feel it's right, then that's what matters. Like another poster said, talk to your pastor at the church. Don't listen to the Bible Study lady, she's one of those very old fashion ladies that has her strict beliefs probably on most EVERYTHING. So don't let her bother you.

DH and I lived together for about 4 or 5 months total (between moving for new jobs and such that seperated us for awhile- distance wise) before getting married and I'm SO glad we did. I never thought I would want to, but it really helped us learn to cohabitate together, just like you would with a new roomate at college or in an apartment. It helped us figure out little querks about each other and our lifestyle beyond just staying for a weekend or visiting.

Ultimately, we can't tell you what to do, you and your FH need to talk openly and honestly about why you want to and if it feels right for both of you. Best Wishes!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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FutureMrsSimpki... Posts : 45 Registered: 1/7/10
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

My fiance and I have lived together for almost 2 years. I suggest living with your fiance because you honestly see a different side not only of him but of you. I couldn't picture not living with my fiance. I love waking up beside him every morning and seeing him every single day. You do fight about things you never fight about now such as money, cleaning, cooking, etc.
I do see why your church would be like that. They see it as you should wait until your married to have sex and then live with your spouse. You do what makes you happy because that is all that matters. Everyone isn't going to agree with what you want to do but that's life. I don't think they should look down on you since you want to live with your fiance. It's none of their business and it doesn't affect you as a person so I don't see a problem.

 Future Mrs.Simpkins<3
--been engaged since o1-11-o9

"This day I will marry my friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love."




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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Brooke - She is having sex with him - it's in the Porn Addict thread.

OP - Personally, I would have told her to mind her own damn business. Probablly one of the many reasons I'm not a member of your church. LOL

Anyhow, my DH and I lived together. I'm happy about it. His parents weren't. Personally, I don't care. It was our decision.

 

 

 

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 6:11 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

The church me and FH go to is that they don't see anything wrong with us living together as long as no physical activity, meaning sexual things, are happening but lately me and FH aren't telling the church if we are having sex or not because its none of their business but for the past week me and FH have stopped having sex since he wants to wait til marriage to do it again, which is understandable and I respect that.
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I don't know who said it but I am not what you would call old fashion I just practice my beliefs, my personal feeling is a couple should not live together before marriage. I didn't and I hope my kids don't either but that is what I believe, I don't try to push it on anyone they have to do what is right for them. My kids know how I feel but they also know that I will let them live their own lives, I can't live it for them and I don't want them living mine.

Brooke I would never imply something so sordid about someone I don't know that would be smug and catty of me or mean or something. Unfortunately it is an assumption most people will make about a couple living together. As the song goes "Ain't Nobody's Business If I do".

OP you have to do what is right for you and your FH you are the only ones who can decide that.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 8:19 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thanks PTG! totally missed that, so basically what I said doesn't really apply here. And Kennys, yeah, totally wasn't saying you meant that. I guess just in our situation, I hated that assumption. I would consider myself pretty traditional, and never pictured myself living with the fiance before getting married, but once we were at that point, there were so many reasons for us to live together and it worked out great for us. Doesn't work for everyone, but like Myra and everyone else is saying, you do what's right for you!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Living together before marriage
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

" As the song goes "Ain't Nobody's Business If I do". "

Are you an Ain't Misbehavin' and Fats Waller fan?

I LOOOVVVEEE that music. I have it on my iPod and listen to it all the time. Wonderful stuff!!!!

Ladies, if you want a real treat, check out music from the Fats Waller musical Ain't Misbehavin'.

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