Rude or just plain dumb?

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VntgGoth2010 Posts : 57 Registered: 1/24/10
Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 11:20 PM

My fiance's ex-coworker/employee sent out Save the Date cards months ago and my name was not on the envelope. I thought that was weird but thought "oh well, it's just the save the date".

Today we got the actual invite and again it's only his name. I thought "did they forget my name"? But they didn't even put "plus guest". It's not like we (my fiance and I) just met, we've been together for almost 9 years and lived together for 3 years and this particular co-worker has met me several times.

My fiance says they were just dumb and didn't know the ettiquette for the invites. I say, they are being pretty rude. Thoughts?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010

Dear VG,

"My fiance says they were just dumb and didn't know the ettiquette for the invites. I say, they are being pretty rude"

Rude.

Engaged and married couples must be invited together. I don't care if the Happy Couple have ever met the spouse or fiancé(e). Engaged and married couples must be invited together.

I also include committed same-sex couples who do not have the legal option of marriage in their area.

It could be the co-worker did not know that your guy is engaged. That happens.

Here's what you do. Your guy says to co-worker "Say, Susie, I think there might be some mistake. I got your wedding invitation and noticed that you did not include my fiancée. You do know we are engaged, don't you?"

One of two things can happen.

1. "Oh My God, no I did not know you were engaged. Oh, dear, please give me the lady's name right now so I can give you a subsitute invitation. How rude of me. Please forgive me. I feel terrible. That was a dreadful oversight."

or

2. "So? At sixty bucks a plate we aren't inviting co-worker spouses or fiancées."

If the response is #2, then FH should politely decline the invitation. "Sorry, but my fiancée and I attend social events as a couple. We will be unable to attend the wedding, but you have our best wishes."

Then don't send any gift. If you are a nicer person than I am, then send a (cheap) card. I wouldn't even do that, personally.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 11:40 PM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010

Dear VG,

Further thoughts.

You have a definite date for W-Day, right? 5/22/10? You have active plans for a real wedding?

The reason I ask is that there are those I call the Perpetually Engaged. They go year after year, decade after decade, referring to each other as Fiancé and Fiancée, but never actually get married. They never make definite plans for an actual wedding, but just go around "engaged".

In those cases, I don't really think of them as engaged. I know a few people like that. I can understand someone not inviting them as a couple under theory that they aren't really acting like engaged people, but are just playing around.

I don't condone that kind of thing, but that might be someone's thinking. It might be good for your FH, during his little chat with the co-worker, to drop in your 5/22/10 date into the conversation, thus, removing any doubt about the bona fides of your engagement.

May 22 was the day my father and stepmother got married!

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VntgGoth2010 Posts : 57 Registered: 1/24/10
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 11:42 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with you. They know we're engaged because my fiance announced it the last time we saw them at a Christmas party a year ago (2008 not 2009).

My fiance is not going and doesn't even talk to this guy anymore...I think. I want to be rude back and not send back the RSVP card until right before the due date BUT that's pretty childish. I guess since it wasn't addressed to me it's up to the FH to reply. Too bad he's quite forgetful at times.

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VntgGoth2010 Posts : 57 Registered: 1/24/10
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 8, 2010 11:49 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Actually, I'll be more specific:

The last time we saw them, my now fiance said at the time "this is my soon-to-be fiance". Fast forward to Oct. 2009, we made it official. But I'm assuming they would at least assume we were still together since we had been for 8 years. If uncertain, wouldn't they have asked?

Now for more information on our wedding date...it's still not solidified because we're waiting on word from family in Italy to see when the church will allow us to marry over there. But definitely getting married this year. May 22nd is our "hopeful" date. :o)

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delmarplatinumb... Posts : 33 Registered: 5/29/09
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 4:41 AM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010

They probably did not know you were engaged if you say they dont really speak much anymore. Announcing this is my soon-to-be fiancee is not the same thing as an actual fiancee with a ring. Also, you have to understand many people have budget constraints or venue size limitations. They must make cuts where they need to. You did not specify too much on how long they worked together or how close of co workers they were.

But in all honesty, they most likely left you off for a reason. Not everyone can afford to invite the plus 1.

This is really a non issue. If you say they havent spoken for awhile, then just RSVP back and decline their invite. No need to send a gift but a card is nice. Be mature about it and know this really is not about you. Also please dont make it awkward by calling and asking why you are not invited. Just decline with grace and send them a card congratulating them.

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 8:51 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt- At my part-time job I work with three women who are now close friends. We hangout outside of work maybe once a month to catch up. We're always texting one another & we consider one another good friends. I want to invite them to my wedding! I haven't met two of their boyfriends (who they live with) and have only hung out with my other friend's husband on three occassions.

Is it rude to just invite my girlfriends?

In this situation since we were co-workers before friends, can I not invite the boyfriends & husband without dissappointing them or being rude? Turn it into a girls night out kind of thing?

"Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do." -Rod Stewart

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 8:56 AM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

Hey Jersey! I think you should technically invite them...but chances are since it's the girls, they willprobably not bring the BFs. I was invited to 2 weddings this summer for co workers with DH too. But since It was going to be all co-workers I decided to go alone. I didn't wanna drag him to a wedding for people he doesnt really know. So invite the BF's and leave it up to them.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 9:00 AM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

Jersey - I agree with NJ. Also, since you want to get married in VA and they are probably local, I'd definitely invite the husbands.

 

 

 

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 9:19 AM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

To the OP: Yes, it's very, very rude. Fiances and spouses are a must bring no matter what. IMO if the couple didn't want to pay for co-workers spouses/fiances they shouldn't have invited so many co-workers so that they could afford spouses/fiances.

To Jersey: Invite the husband definitely, and invite the boyfriends if you wish. Married couples are always invited together, no matter the circumstance.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 9:25 AM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010

Dear VG,

" But I'm assuming they would at least assume we were still together since we had been for 8 years. If uncertain, wouldn't they have asked?"

You know what "assume" means"? It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me". (Old joke.)

Let's offer them the benefit of the doubt. We'll be charitible here. Let's say you were introduced as "soon-to-be-fiancée". Well, that's not "fiancée". That's not engaged. Let's say that co-worker never got the memo that you actually became engaged and that you are actively planning the wedding. (Not just Perpetually Engaged, as I mentioned above.)

Let's say the couple are using a strict No Ring No Bring rule. Spouses, yes. Engaged (really engaged, not almost engaged), yes. Everyone else (living together, seriously dating, almost engaged), no.

Under those circs, I can understand why you were not invited. Again, I'm being very generous to the couple. If that is the case, then a quick word with the co-worker that you are actually, really, truly, officially, planning-the-wedding engaged should do the trick. (#1 in my scenario above.)

Truth be told, it sounds more like some messages we have on this board. "I want to invite co-workers, but don't want to invite their spouses, who are people I don't know." I have always replied to these types of messages that no guest, co-worker or best friend, should be invited without a spouse or fiancé(e). I try to note, also, that I include same-sex committed partners.

Since you say that FH doesn't even talk to the co-worker that much, I would think that a decline would be in order. You want it to "sting" a little, and I don't blame you. Omitting the RSVP card just makes you look disorganized, at best, or rude, at worst.

I would return the RSVP, promptly, with a note to the effect that "I'm sorry, I must decline. My fiancée and I attend social events as a couple." . Don't even bother with a ficticious prior engagement. Something like that will make your point exactly, without being at all rude or "incorrect".

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 9:34 AM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

Dear Jersey,

"Is it rude to just invite my girlfriends? "

Yes. For all the reasons I've discussed in this message thread.

"In this situation since we were co-workers before friends, can I not invite the boyfriends & husband without dissappointing them or being rude? Turn it into a girls night out kind of thing?"

It's not a "girls night out". Am I safe in assuming you will be there at your wedding with your new husband?

You absolutely must, repeat, must invite the husband with his wife. No debate there.

As for the other two with boyfriends... It depends on how strict you are with No Ring No Bring. If you are inviting other living-together couples and considering them to be a social unit, then you're pretty much stuck with invitiing the co-workers' boyfriends. If you are drawing the line with other guests to exclude living-together couples, then you can do the same with the co-workers.

Note that many living-together couples consider themselves to be a social unit. Personally, I don't, as there are rights and privledges that come with the "piece of paper". My attitude is that if you want to be treated as married, then get married. However, if I am friends with both parts of the living-together couple, then I invite them both. (I've often mentioned that I make exceptions for committed same-sex couples who do not have the legal option of marriage.)

Bottom line is that you cannot treat the co-workers differently than the rest of your guests. If cost is an issue, and if inviting the three men means you cannot invite three other people you know, then drop the co-workers entirely.

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: VntgGoth2010

My boyfriend was invited to his best friends brothers wedding and the invitation was only addressed to him. I was very upset, especially since we were engaged at the time and they knew that. My boyfriend sent back the RSVP card with a message saying, "Unable to attend but FW and I send our best wishes!" We never heard anything about it but later came to find out that all of their friends who have been in established relationships were invited without their SO's.

Also, I don't understand why future Bride and Groom invite people they have lost touch with and havent seen in years. I got a call from an ex friend who I haven't seen/spoken to in over 2 years (our friendship ended on shakey terms). He called and said, "hey, I am having a baby and the shower is in a month. I just want to know if you want to be part of my life and can come." That was it. Not, "hi how are you! What's going on??" Nothing. Basically, read between the lines... "I want to know if you can come so you can buy my kid a gift." I didn't go and I haven't heard from him since.
I would personally decline an invite if it was from someone I didn't keep in contact with and didn't see on a regular basis. They are making you a priority for their day....but what happens after that? I would hate to think this co-worker of your FH is just looking for gifts and handouts but some people do that. I went to school with a girl and her sister (whom I have NEVER hung out with a day in my life) sent me an invite to her bridal shower. I asked her sister about it and she told me, "Sis wants a big bridal shower and she is inviting everyone.. people on facebook... my friends..co-workers....school maters...but please do not expect an invite to the wedding because she is only inviting close friends to that." I didn't even send my RSVP back and she had the nerve to ask me about it through a message on Facebook! Extremely rude of her to invite these girls to her bridal shower but they weren't getting an invite to her wedding. Like I said, some people host their weddings just around the gifts and that in itself is RUDE.

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

"And now I know why all the tree's change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. I love you for giving me you eyes. Standing back and watching me shine. I didn't know if you knew so I am taking this chance to say, 'I had the best day with you today."

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: bosoxgirl

WOW! I know there are people out there that do invite others just so they can get gifts, but I can't believe the nerve of how blunt people can be about it.

Another thing I never really understand about that is, you're still paying for that person to be there, so what happens to these couples that invite people, expecting them to just get whatever they are spending on them to get back in gifts/cash, and they dont? I wouldn't be surprised if they also had the nerve to contact the guests after the wedding saying "So we invited you to our wedding, but the cost of your gift didn't cover the cost of your dinner, so you still owe us $20 extra", LOL!

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: Rude or just plain dumb?
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

I have had my fair share of "WTF's?!"

My most favorite one yet is my cousin had her shower in September 06. Her wedding in Novemeber 2006. Her wedding was a 3 hour drive and everyone stayed the weekend at the wedding site (who would want to drive 3 hours back when the reception ended at 10 pm??). She has yet to send her thank you's for her bridal shower and wedding. It's been 3 years. I probably have a better shot of getting water out of a rock...
It's one thing to have a wedding and invite your close family and friends, but when it is over 3 hours away from your hometown and people shell out their money to drive, stay over AND give you a gift and you don't even have the decency to say "Thank you so much for the wedding gift. We enjoyed your company at our wedding" then that tops the charts on the "rude scale" underneath asking your guests for monetary gifts. Unbelievable.

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

"And now I know why all the tree's change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. I love you for giving me you eyes. Standing back and watching me shine. I didn't know if you knew so I am taking this chance to say, 'I had the best day with you today."

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