I've been engaged for a few months now, and have only planned out a few small details of my wedding, since we're not getting married until 2011 and we haven't even picked a date yet. Right now, I'm just trying to solidify my wedding party. I have a couple things I could use some advice on...

1. I'm planning on having my sister as my maid of honor and two of my friends as brides maids. Initially, I wanted to have my fiance's 12 year old sister as my flower girl, but now, I really want to have her be a junior brides maid. I think she's a bit old to be a flower girl, and she looks up to me a lot and I know it would mean a lot to her. The only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower girl. For that matter, I don't know of anyone that can be the ring bearer :S

2. Another issue I'm having is that my fiance doesn't have very many friends. And by that, I mean that he has one best friend, who will be his best man. He wants to have his two grandfathers be grooms men, but I'm not too fond of that idea. I think it would look really weird to have men in their fifties walking down the aisle with my friends who are in their twenties. I would probably feel differently about it if he were really close with his grandfathers, but I'm really getting the feeling that he only wants them there because he wants to wedding party to be even, which isn't really important. Even though I feel like he only wants them in the party out of necessity, I still feel like I'm being selfish for not wanting them in the wedding party.

3. Ok, I have two sisters, the one who is going to be my MOH is only four years older than me and we're very close. The other is thirteen years older than me and we've never been very close. Is it rude for me to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the wedding party?

4. This last is something I don't really need to worry about yet, but I thought I'd go ahead and ask to get some early input. My sister is going to be my MOH, but she lives 14 hours away. I'm just curious as to how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely only be able to come for the wedding, maybe a couple days before or after. I could just have her look for dresses by herself and send pictures so we could decide together, but she doesn't have any friends where she lives and wouldn't like going to a store by herself. Is there any way to make the process easier for the both of us?

4. You can do a national chain store, like David's or one which carries a common designer (by that, I just mean "easy to find in many locations"... some designers are not available all over the place)...like Alfred Angelo, Bill Levkoff, Edens Bridals. Look at dresses online together and have her go and try some on and take pictures.

Then, when you've looked at the pictures, choose one and she can order it from her store.

You could also do what I did to my first bridesmaids (this was when most people dressed their bridesmaids all alike)....get her to have her measurements taken and call them into the store where you've picked out your dresses...and place the order that way. Then the store will ship it to her.

Another thing: Give her a color and basic style you're looking for (for example, I used Black as it is pretty generic no matter where you shop.) For example: "Black, between knee length and tea length, chiffon or flowy material. Feel beautiful in it. Send me a picture before you buy it." And set her on her merry way. (That was my bridesmaids direction) I gave them so much leeway because I had one in Vegas, one in Chicago, and one in Seattle. Yeah.. Just TRY and get that bridal party together on a Saturday for dress shopping <G>. I gave them a BASIC dress I liked, and asked them to try it on, but did not require they buy it. It was just to give them a notion of the type of dress I was looking for. I wanted something that they could wear out to dinner at a nice restaurant....not a closet hanger. I let them have their own sense of style on it, because I did want them to be comfortable and feel beautiful in their dresses. And by giving them so much control, they also had the option to buy a dress in their price range.

One found a dress at a close out store for $20. One found one that was in her closet...that she'd worn to a previous wedding (She had to drop out of the wedding for finances later). One found one on clearance sale at a major department store. I think she paid $35. And my flame bearer? She wore her own wedding dress (it was a black halter style dress). She'd paid $50 for it when she bought it for her wedding. (it was the same dress as my bridesmaid from Chicago....so without my planning on it...my Bridesmaid and Flame Bearer wore the same dress, and my MOH had one that was slightly different. They ALL chose halter style dresses...which was what I was wearing. It was really weird how randomness ended up looking well planned <G>)

if you want some color OTHER than black, then choose a designer...for example, Alfred Angelo, and pick out a color that is in his line. Then tell your MOH to pick a dress in that color and choose the length you want. Tell her to pick a dress she feels lovely in. Then let her at it!

Misty

Dear Dren,

"12 year old sister as my flower girl, but now, I really want to have her be a junior brides maid. "

12-13-14 is the perfect age for a junior bridesmaid. Get her a dress that is similar to the bridesmaids' dresses, but more modest. Nothing strapless or spaghetti straps. A regular dress with a regular neckline is appropriate.

In my opinion, flower girls should be GIRLS, not young ladies with a developing figure.

"The only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower girl."

You have the logic backwards. The jobs of flower girl or ring bearer exist so you can give a job to any child that might be in your life. It's a job for younger siblings, your own young children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews. If no such child is in your life, then skip the job entirely.

". I think it would look really weird to have men in their fifties walking down the aisle with my friends who are in their twenties. "

I don't think it would be that weird, but then I'm 55 years old myself. Question: A man in his fifties is old enough to have a grandson getting married? Wow, they start young in your family. My own children are not yet thirty, and they have yet to reproduce. (I'm not holding my breath.)

My serious suggestion to you is to just have uneven sides. You ask the ladies close to you to be bridesmaids; FH asks the gentlemen close to him to be groomsmen. If the sides are uneven, then so be it. Don't go dragging males off the street to fulfill wedding party roles.

Lots of people have uneven sides. Don't worry about it at all. Finally, it's FH's choice. If he really wants his two grandfathers, then great, go for it. If he's just doing it to make the sides even, then suggest to him that uneven sides are OK.


"Is it rude for me to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the wedding party?"

It all depends on your relationship with your other sister. She is the one who could be hurt if not included. OTOH, she might totally understand.

In my opinion, sisters of any level of closeness should be included. Blood is thicker than water, after all. In my entire life of attending weddings, I can remember only one where a sister was not included as bridesmaid when other sisters were included. In that one case, the excluded sister was pathologically, painfully shy. It would have killed her, literally, to be standing up with people looking at her. She attended the wedding, seated in the back row, escorted by a very trusted, loving family friend, who took her home immediately following the ceremony. No one thought it rude for the sister to be excluded because everyone who knew the family knew about the very shy sister's issues. It was actually a kindness for the bride to excuse her sister from the wedding party.


". I'm just curious as to how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely only be able to come for the wedding, "

Here is my best suggestion. When it comes time to shop for bridesmaid dresses, talk to the consultant at the dress shop and see what she suggests. You won't be the first bride at the store with that situation. It may be that your sister can go get measured at another store, then send the measurements to "your" store so all dresses can be ordered from the same dye lot.

Could also be that the store manager knows of a dressmaker in your sister's town who can do the measurements, then mail the dress to that person for a fitting. Sis would get the dress after the final fitting, then bring it with her when she comes in town for the wedding.

Question: A man in his fifties is old enough to have a grandson getting married? Wow, they start young in your family.

I thought the same thing when I first read this thread, and I was wondering whether the OP got the generations mixed up, as my PARENTS are in their 50s. My one living grandparent is 93 - the others, if they were still alive, would be in their early 90s, late 80s, and the youngest one in her late 70s. The same with DH's grandparents - the one living grandparent is in her mid-80s. My FIL is in his early 60s and MIL in her late 50s.

In fact, I consider anybody in their 50s who has a BABY grandchild to be a young grandparent.

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1. There's no rule that states you HAVE TO have a flower girl or a ringbearer. For our wedding, the only little boy we knew that was in the age range to be a ringbear was DH's nephew who had never met because inviting his older estranged brother to family events meant there was a 50/50 chance he'd show, regardless if he said he was coming or not. We invited them, they RSVP'd, but ultimately we were shocked they actually showed (however since the wedding they have kept in touch more than they did before...). We had my cousin and DH's little sis (both 10 at the time) be our flowergirls, but one carried a pillow with the rings while they other did the flowers. A lot of times I see wedding parties with no ringbearers - the Best Man just carries the rings in his pocket. And while flower girls are cute, you're right, at 12 his sister is a bit too old to be one (I was 12 when my aunt had her wedding and made me a jr. bridesmaid). But again, there's no rule stating you HAVE TO have one.

One idea, is after the ushers/groomsmen pull down/up the aisle runner, they could sprinkle some flower petals on it, if you still want that decorative touch to the aisle.


2. If he's just wanting them in the party to even it out, talk to him and show him some stuff online (photos, articles) that talk about how having uneven wedding parties is perfectly acceptable these days and show him all the different ways you guys could do an uneven wedding party (for example, if he just has a best man, have your single bridesmaids walk down the aisle alone, have the best man escort your MoH; if it's a ratio of 2BM:1GM, you could have a BM on each side of the GM).

However if he really is close to his grandpas and really does want to include them, then yes, you are being selfish and he should be able to include who he wants - even if that includes grandpas in their 50s (btw - wow those are some young grandpas! My parents are in their 50s!).

This is something you need to sit down and discuss with him though and figure out which of the 2 it is.


3. If you're not close to your oldest sister, I think it's okay not including her in the wedding party, but make sure she doesn't feel left out. Have a talk with her and just explain that while you are sisters, you just feel like you haven't been close (I'm assuming because of the age difference maybe?) and it's not like you're leaving her out out of anger or anything - last thing you want to do is hurt her feelings, especially if she wants to be involved. See if maybe she'd like give a reading during the ceremony or attend the guest book or something, that way she still feels like part of the family. If you're both on the same page regarding your relationship, I'm sure there won't be any hard feelings if she'd be okay with doing something other than being part of the wedding party. DH was in a similar position, as 3 out of 4 of his GM were his 3 younger brothers, however hasn't been close to his older brother in years, and like I said, we weren't even sure if he was going to show, so we didn't bother trying to include him, and he knew that - he didn't have any of his family in his wedding (they literally got an invitation in the mail, like any other guest, and were told where and when to show up) so he wasn't expecting us to include him in ours.


4. How hard is it to go to a store and look at dresses? Regardless if she has friends or not where she lives, if she's going to be your MoH she needs to go look at dresses for herself if you're letting her pick her own, if not at least get her measurements written down by a professional seamstress. For my wedding, 3 of my 4 bridesmaids were out of town when we picked out their dresses, however the shop we were ordering through had a fax sheet that I scanned and emailed to all the girls that had a list of specific measurements they needed in order to place the order. I also included a photo of the dress so they could see what it looked like. It worked just fine - when the shop got their measurements back they called each one of them and discussed what size they'd recommend ordering based off the information.


Hope this helps - happy wedding planning!

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Dear Drensik,

As we get older, we learn not to sweat the small stuff.

People take precedence over things. So what if your photos look a little different from your friend's (Miss Perfect Wedding) photos?