Multiple wedding party issues....

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Drensik Posts : 2 Registered: 1/31/10
Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 6, 2010 11:10 PM

I've been engaged for a few months now, and have only planned out a few small details of my wedding, since we're not getting married until 2011 and we haven't even picked a date yet. Right now, I'm just trying to solidify my wedding party. I have a couple things I could use some advice on...

1. I'm planning on having my sister as my maid of honor and two of my friends as brides maids. Initially, I wanted to have my fiance's 12 year old sister as my flower girl, but now, I really want to have her be a junior brides maid. I think she's a bit old to be a flower girl, and she looks up to me a lot and I know it would mean a lot to her. The only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower girl. For that matter, I don't know of anyone that can be the ring bearer :S

2. Another issue I'm having is that my fiance doesn't have very many friends. And by that, I mean that he has one best friend, who will be his best man. He wants to have his two grandfathers be grooms men, but I'm not too fond of that idea. I think it would look really weird to have men in their fifties walking down the aisle with my friends who are in their twenties. I would probably feel differently about it if he were really close with his grandfathers, but I'm really getting the feeling that he only wants them there because he wants to wedding party to be even, which isn't really important. Even though I feel like he only wants them in the party out of necessity, I still feel like I'm being selfish for not wanting them in the wedding party.

3. Ok, I have two sisters, the one who is going to be my MOH is only four years older than me and we're very close. The other is thirteen years older than me and we've never been very close. Is it rude for me to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the wedding party?

4. This last is something I don't really need to worry about yet, but I thought I'd go ahead and ask to get some early input. My sister is going to be my MOH, but she lives 14 hours away. I'm just curious as to how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely only be able to come for the wedding, maybe a couple days before or after. I could just have her look for dresses by herself and send pictures so we could decide together, but she doesn't have any friends where she lives and wouldn't like going to a store by herself. Is there any way to make the process easier for the both of us?

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 6, 2010 11:51 PM Go to message in response to: Drensik

1. The
only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower
girl. For that matter, I don't know of anyone that can be the ring
bearer :S
Then don't have a FG or RB. If she's 12, she should be a JBM. But you don't HAVE to have a FG or RB.

2. Even though I feel like he
only wants them in the party out of necessity, I still feel like I'm
being selfish for not wanting them in the wedding party.
You get to chose your side and he gets to chose his. Be open and honest, but it's his decision who stands up with him.

3. Ok, I have two sisters, the one who is going to be my MOH is only
four years older than me and we're very close. The other is thirteen
years older than me and we've never been very close. Is it rude for me
to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the
wedding party?
You're going to get VERY different remarks on this, but I say if you are not close to your other sister than it's OK to not have her in the WP. Maybe you can include her in another way, a reading or something.


4. This last is something I don't really need to worry about yet, but I
thought I'd go ahead and ask to get some early input. My sister is
going to be my MOH, but she lives 14 hours away. I'm just curious as to
how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely
only be able to come for the wedding, maybe a couple days before or
after. I could just have her look for dresses by herself and send
pictures so we could decide together, but she doesn't have any friends
where she lives and wouldn't like going to a store by herself. Is there
any way to make the process easier for the both of us?
I don't know how to make that any easier. Sorry.

Also keep in mind, you may want to wait a bit to chose your WP. Too many times ladies come on to the boards and are unhappy about their WPs. A lot of heartache might have been saved if they had just waited for a bit before choosing their WP members.

Good luck!!

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 10:08 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

4. You can do a national chain store, like David's or one which carries a common designer (by that, I just mean "easy to find in many locations"... some designers are not available all over the place)...like Alfred Angelo, Bill Levkoff, Edens Bridals. Look at dresses online together and have her go and try some on and take pictures.

Then, when you've looked at the pictures, choose one and she can order it from her store.

You could also do what I did to my first bridesmaids (this was when most people dressed their bridesmaids all alike)....get her to have her measurements taken and call them into the store where you've picked out your dresses...and place the order that way. Then the store will ship it to her.

Another thing: Give her a color and basic style you're looking for (for example, I used Black as it is pretty generic no matter where you shop.) For example: "Black, between knee length and tea length, chiffon or flowy material. Feel beautiful in it. Send me a picture before you buy it." And set her on her merry way. (That was my bridesmaids direction) I gave them so much leeway because I had one in Vegas, one in Chicago, and one in Seattle. Yeah.. Just TRY and get that bridal party together on a Saturday for dress shopping <G>. I gave them a BASIC dress I liked, and asked them to try it on, but did not require they buy it. It was just to give them a notion of the type of dress I was looking for. I wanted something that they could wear out to dinner at a nice restaurant....not a closet hanger. I let them have their own sense of style on it, because I did want them to be comfortable and feel beautiful in their dresses. And by giving them so much control, they also had the option to buy a dress in their price range.

One found a dress at a close out store for $20. One found one that was in her closet...that she'd worn to a previous wedding (She had to drop out of the wedding for finances later). One found one on clearance sale at a major department store. I think she paid $35. And my flame bearer? She wore her own wedding dress (it was a black halter style dress). She'd paid $50 for it when she bought it for her wedding. (it was the same dress as my bridesmaid from Chicago....so without my planning on it...my Bridesmaid and Flame Bearer wore the same dress, and my MOH had one that was slightly different. They ALL chose halter style dresses...which was what I was wearing. It was really weird how randomness ended up looking well planned <G>)

if you want some color OTHER than black, then choose a designer...for example, Alfred Angelo, and pick out a color that is in his line. Then tell your MOH to pick a dress in that color and choose the length you want. Tell her to pick a dress she feels lovely in. Then let her at it!

Misty

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 10:32 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Yeah - what Cat said. LOL I went shopping with 2 of my BMs but I wasn't able to meet up with my third one. I let them all wear different dresses in the same color. So I just told the 3rd BM what color and she chose her dress. (We went with David's.)

If your sister won't want to go shopping alone, you can pick out the style and color and just have her go to the shop and have them take her measurements. She can then order her dress.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: Drensik

Dear Dren,

"12 year old sister as my flower girl, but now, I really want to have her be a junior brides maid. "

12-13-14 is the perfect age for a junior bridesmaid. Get her a dress that is similar to the bridesmaids' dresses, but more modest. Nothing strapless or spaghetti straps. A regular dress with a regular neckline is appropriate.

In my opinion, flower girls should be GIRLS, not young ladies with a developing figure.

"The only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower girl."

You have the logic backwards. The jobs of flower girl or ring bearer exist so you can give a job to any child that might be in your life. It's a job for younger siblings, your own young children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews. If no such child is in your life, then skip the job entirely.

". I think it would look really weird to have men in their fifties walking down the aisle with my friends who are in their twenties. "

I don't think it would be that weird, but then I'm 55 years old myself. Question: A man in his fifties is old enough to have a grandson getting married? Wow, they start young in your family. My own children are not yet thirty, and they have yet to reproduce. (I'm not holding my breath.)

My serious suggestion to you is to just have uneven sides. You ask the ladies close to you to be bridesmaids; FH asks the gentlemen close to him to be groomsmen. If the sides are uneven, then so be it. Don't go dragging males off the street to fulfill wedding party roles.

Lots of people have uneven sides. Don't worry about it at all. Finally, it's FH's choice. If he really wants his two grandfathers, then great, go for it. If he's just doing it to make the sides even, then suggest to him that uneven sides are OK.


"Is it rude for me to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the wedding party?"

It all depends on your relationship with your other sister. She is the one who could be hurt if not included. OTOH, she might totally understand.

In my opinion, sisters of any level of closeness should be included. Blood is thicker than water, after all. In my entire life of attending weddings, I can remember only one where a sister was not included as bridesmaid when other sisters were included. In that one case, the excluded sister was pathologically, painfully shy. It would have killed her, literally, to be standing up with people looking at her. She attended the wedding, seated in the back row, escorted by a very trusted, loving family friend, who took her home immediately following the ceremony. No one thought it rude for the sister to be excluded because everyone who knew the family knew about the very shy sister's issues. It was actually a kindness for the bride to excuse her sister from the wedding party.


". I'm just curious as to how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely only be able to come for the wedding, "

Here is my best suggestion. When it comes time to shop for bridesmaid dresses, talk to the consultant at the dress shop and see what she suggests. You won't be the first bride at the store with that situation. It may be that your sister can go get measured at another store, then send the measurements to "your" store so all dresses can be ordered from the same dye lot.

Could also be that the store manager knows of a dressmaker in your sister's town who can do the measurements, then mail the dress to that person for a fitting. Sis would get the dress after the final fitting, then bring it with her when she comes in town for the wedding.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: Drensik

1. Initially, I wanted to have my fiance's 12
year old sister as my flower girl, but now, I really want to have her
be a junior brides maid. The
only problem is that I don't know anyone else that could be my flower
girl. For that matter, I don't know of anyone that can be the ring
bearer :S

Easy. Don't have a flower girl or ring bearer. Have your FSIL as a Jr BM - she IS a little old to be a flower girl. You do not NEED a flower girl or ringbearer. It's just a cute way of including nieces/nephews or other children in your life. If you aren't close with any kids, it would be stupid to find a couple kids to fill the roles. I didn't have a flower girl or ring bearer, either - and I haven't been to many weddings where they had them.

2. Another issue I'm having is that my fiance doesn't have very many
friends. He wants to have his two grandfathers be grooms men, but
I'm not too fond of that idea.

He gets to pick his side of the WP. It's totally Ok to have uneven sides, and it's also Ok to ask his grandfathers. Personally, I don't think it would be inappropriate for the grandfathers to walk down the aisle during the recessional with younger BMs (unless they're truly dirty old men). It's not as though the BMs and GM are coupled up for the entire wedding. They usually just escort one another down the aisle at the end of the wedding. We're talking about 30 seconds, here. It's fine. Let him choose whomever he wants.

3. Is it rude for me
to have one sister as MOH and not include the other sister in the
wedding party?

It depends on your relationship with her. Since she's so much older and you're not close, I doubt she'll care. But if she's somebody who likes to start drama, she might care. Also consider how your parents will react. Is your mom the type of person who will be offended if you don't ask both sisters? If that's the case (or if sis likes to cause drama), I would just include her and skip the drama. Better to have an extra BM (IMO) than spend the next two years arguing the topic with your sister or mom. Here's another thought: Why not ask her to do a reading, instead? That way, she's still included, but not as a BM.

4. My sister is
going to be my MOH, but she lives 14 hours away. I'm just curious as to
how the whole dress thing is going to work out, since she will likely
only be able to come for the wedding, maybe a couple days before or
after.

Not a big deal. Pretty much every bride has this issue, either with a MOH or a BM. There are several options:

Option 1: Let the BMs pick their own dresses. Give them some guidelines, such as a certain designer, color, and length. They would each go to a local bridal store, try on gowns, and chose the one they'd like (or they can pick one from a website). You then go to your local bridal store and let them know your BMs names, so that they can keep the entire order together. The girls call the store and order their gowns. The store then places the order (it is important that all gowns be ordered at the same time, as dye lots vary). They either ship the gowns directly to the BMs, or you pick them up and ship them yourself. They each get their alterations done locally.

Option 2: You pick a dress at your local bridal store and give them the info about your WP. The BMs then get measured at a local store, call your store and place their order. Similarly, you can have the store ship them or you can ship them yourself (some stores won't ship gowns, though). They each get their alterations done locally.

Option 3: If you want your sister to help select the gowns, you can either fly her in (or fly to where she is) and go shopping together. Or you can email back and forth and make a choice based on the photos on a website. Then do the same thing: have all the girls call the bridal store, etc.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Question: A man in his fifties is old enough to have a grandson getting married? Wow, they start young in your family.

I thought the same thing when I first read this thread, and I was wondering whether the OP got the generations mixed up, as my PARENTS are in their 50s. My one living grandparent is 93 - the others, if they were still alive, would be in their early 90s, late 80s, and the youngest one in her late 70s. The same with DH's grandparents - the one living grandparent is in her mid-80s. My FIL is in his early 60s and MIL in her late 50s.

In fact, I consider anybody in their 50s who has a BABY grandchild to be a young grandparent.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Lol, my parents must be really old. They are in their 60s. I am 25. Some of my friends grandparents are the same age as them, lol.

But hey, I keep them young :)


Oh, and to the original poster, I want to say two things: I agree with aunt about the flower girl, and no, I don't think it would look weird to have men in their 50s in the wedding party - my husband's dad was his best man, and he was about 60, standing up there with people in their early 20s! and I am in a wedding coming up where the bride's grandmother is her maid of honour!
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: Drensik

1. There's no rule that states you HAVE TO have a flower girl or a ringbearer. For our wedding, the only little boy we knew that was in the age range to be a ringbear was DH's nephew who had never met because inviting his older estranged brother to family events meant there was a 50/50 chance he'd show, regardless if he said he was coming or not. We invited them, they RSVP'd, but ultimately we were shocked they actually showed (however since the wedding they have kept in touch more than they did before...). We had my cousin and DH's little sis (both 10 at the time) be our flowergirls, but one carried a pillow with the rings while they other did the flowers. A lot of times I see wedding parties with no ringbearers - the Best Man just carries the rings in his pocket. And while flower girls are cute, you're right, at 12 his sister is a bit too old to be one (I was 12 when my aunt had her wedding and made me a jr. bridesmaid). But again, there's no rule stating you HAVE TO have one.

One idea, is after the ushers/groomsmen pull down/up the aisle runner, they could sprinkle some flower petals on it, if you still want that decorative touch to the aisle.


2. If he's just wanting them in the party to even it out, talk to him and show him some stuff online (photos, articles) that talk about how having uneven wedding parties is perfectly acceptable these days and show him all the different ways you guys could do an uneven wedding party (for example, if he just has a best man, have your single bridesmaids walk down the aisle alone, have the best man escort your MoH; if it's a ratio of 2BM:1GM, you could have a BM on each side of the GM).

However if he really is close to his grandpas and really does want to include them, then yes, you are being selfish and he should be able to include who he wants - even if that includes grandpas in their 50s (btw - wow those are some young grandpas! My parents are in their 50s!).

This is something you need to sit down and discuss with him though and figure out which of the 2 it is.


3. If you're not close to your oldest sister, I think it's okay not including her in the wedding party, but make sure she doesn't feel left out. Have a talk with her and just explain that while you are sisters, you just feel like you haven't been close (I'm assuming because of the age difference maybe?) and it's not like you're leaving her out out of anger or anything - last thing you want to do is hurt her feelings, especially if she wants to be involved. See if maybe she'd like give a reading during the ceremony or attend the guest book or something, that way she still feels like part of the family. If you're both on the same page regarding your relationship, I'm sure there won't be any hard feelings if she'd be okay with doing something other than being part of the wedding party. DH was in a similar position, as 3 out of 4 of his GM were his 3 younger brothers, however hasn't been close to his older brother in years, and like I said, we weren't even sure if he was going to show, so we didn't bother trying to include him, and he knew that - he didn't have any of his family in his wedding (they literally got an invitation in the mail, like any other guest, and were told where and when to show up) so he wasn't expecting us to include him in ours.


4. How hard is it to go to a store and look at dresses? Regardless if she has friends or not where she lives, if she's going to be your MoH she needs to go look at dresses for herself if you're letting her pick her own, if not at least get her measurements written down by a professional seamstress. For my wedding, 3 of my 4 bridesmaids were out of town when we picked out their dresses, however the shop we were ordering through had a fax sheet that I scanned and emailed to all the girls that had a list of specific measurements they needed in order to place the order. I also included a photo of the dress so they could see what it looked like. It worked just fine - when the shop got their measurements back they called each one of them and discussed what size they'd recommend ordering based off the information.


Hope this helps - happy wedding planning!

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

Find Your Own Bridal Look with my Virtual Makeover Tool!

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Drensik Posts : 2 Registered: 1/31/10
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: Drensik

Wow, thanks everyone for all the awesome advice!
I'm glad to hear that it's alright to not have a flower girl, it would have been really weird to have to find some third cousin whom I had never met, or something like that heh..As for the "grandfathers in their fifties," I must have momentarily fallen asleep as I typed that, they are definitely much older! Hahaha The more I think about it, the idea doesn't bother me as much. After all, as someone already mentioned, it's really only a few seconds. If he really wants them in the wedding party, then I'm perfectly happy with it.

Thanks again for all the really helpful advice!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Multiple wedding party issues....
Posted: Feb 7, 2010 11:38 PM Go to message in response to: Drensik

Dear Drensik,

As we get older, we learn not to sweat the small stuff.

People take precedence over things. So what if your photos look a little different from your friend's (Miss Perfect Wedding) photos?

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