My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

I see that you edited your post but after reading everyone's responses, it sounds like everyone is pretty much correct with the advice and opinions that they are giving.

I remember when I was 17. I got engaged after 2 months of knowing my ex. It was a whirlwind experience. He asked me one night, I said yes and he took me days later to pick out a ring. My father was furious because I was so young but he got over it. My ex moved in with my family and I because his mom moved to another state for a job and my ex didnt want to leave NJ. After 3 weeks of living with my ex AND my parents, I wanted to kill myself. After a year of battling with the situation, I called off our engagement but still wanted to pursue our relationship. I thought perhaps our engagement was the reason why we weren't getting along but after a year of just a relationship...it was still the same. It was living with my parents that tore us apart (and, some personal issues that he had as well) After that experience, I vowed the next time I got engaged and found "the one," we would never rush into moving out until we were financially stable.

If you and your FH can not support each other financially, you are not ready to get married.
Ask yourself this. "Do I want to move in with my father if we cant afford living on our own months after our wedding?" In most cases, no. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. My engagement is going to be for three years and my FH and I are doing that because: 1. We want to save enough money for a nest egg and 2. My FH wants to further his career and he may not be able to do what he wants to do after we get married. If you and FH are committed to one and other, there is absolutely no rush to get married. Finish school, find a job, become financially stable, find living arrangements and then talk about tieing the knot.

You will never get these years back. So finish college and enjoy being young.



"Now I know why all the tree's change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. And I love you for giving me your eyes. Standing back and watching me shine. I didn't know if you knew so I'm taking this chance to say, 'I had the best day with you today.'"


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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Amy - I understand why you found Myra's remark upsetting, but I don't think you should take it personally. As a rule, maturity comes with age. You are an exception to this case. You have always come off as a mature and responsible girl, which is uncommon for 19 in many (but not all) cases. I honestly think the only reason Myra brought up the divorce rate for the age group is that the OP is siting her age as one of her father's concerns.

There have been many young brides on the boards around your age who were very well supported by the everyone on the boards because they behaved like adults, not like a whiney child like the OP.

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Hey Amy--I dont thin, Myra meant that the sole reason they might end up divorced is the age. I think she was combining the age AND the fact that they seem to just wanna spend time together.

Honestly, Amy, I had no idea you were so young until you just posted it. You sound very mature!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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bosoxgirl Posts : 231 Registered: 2/3/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I thought Amy older too from the way she writes her posts. Kudos to you and kudos to still living at home. I am 22 and still live with my mom. Her biggest concern for me is to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE before I get married.

 "Now I know why all the tree's change in the fall. I know you were on my side even when I was wrong. And I love you for giving me your eyes. Standing back and watching me shine. I didn't know if you knew so I'm taking this chance to say, 'I had the best day with you today.'"

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: bosoxgirl

OP, to answer your current question, you can't do anything to change your father's opinion. The best thing that you can do is show that you are grown up enough to make your own decisions and everyone else will have to accept the decisions you make. At some point, many people make a choice there parents disapprove of -- and you live with their disapproval. Should you care what your father thinks? Sure. But showing him you are a mature individual willing to live independently is the best way to get his respect, and eventually he'll come around and realize he raised someone capable of making her own decisions.

Amy, as for what you mentioned about why do we only cite stats about age and marriage as opposed to other stats? Personally, I think it's because age is related to maturity, and maturity is related to marriage. Race, however, is not related to one's individual ability to pay bills, live independently, think about the long-term, or just being generally ready.

I'm not Myra, but that's my thought on the matter.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 3:15 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Ok, I stand corrected. I'm kind of overly sensitive on the issue since I was repeatedly attacked on another board for being 19 and no other reason. I know I probably should be over it by now.

AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 5:43 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Well, to second (or third, or fourth, or whatever) everyone else, I wouldn't have guessed you were 19, cause you just don't seem 19.

My general view on young people getting married is that they shouldn't. But I also think that to each, their own, and as long as you're prepared to deal with the consequences of your choices (or, at least realize that choices have consequences), then you're an adult and it's your decision.
(This is not directed to you or anyone else, including the OP. Just my general thoughts on the matter to anyone out there listening).

And the thing is, so many people do things when they're young that other people are going to disapprove of. Artbride has an excellent story about her parents disapproval of what she wanted to pursue in college. I have a story of studying abroad when I was 19 and my Dad disapproved. Sometimes people have stories of parents/friends/others being nothing but supportive; other times they had to deal with the fact that they were going it alone. I think, generally, if you're doing something that others don't like, you gotta get the tough skin early, remember that it's your choice, and you believe you're making the right one. After all, I think it's second nature to judge others for making choices that they themselves would not make.

Anyways, I only get annoyed at so-called "young" brides when their posts reflect an immaturity that strongly suggests they should wait. Yet, it's inevitable that those people who really shouldn't be married are the ones who are least likely to listen to the advice that you shouldn't get married. That's really annoying.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 6:13 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Ok well everyone we have lived together before even when I was in high school and we loved it. I was not asking if you think I should wait because I am getting married next year. I was asking what can I do to make this an easier transition for my dad and I. I do not want me getting married to come between him and I. I love him too much. Edited by: MrsJoshuaRayMincey on Feb 4, 2010 1:29 PM

if you love your dad as much as you say you do, i'm going to presume that you truly value his opinion. have you really sat down and talked about the situation? if you have, have you really listened to what he's been saying and not tuned him out after, "you're only 19" or "you should finish college"? you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and really listed to why he feels this way and not shut off after you hear these two phrases, which i can only assume you are doing because it's what most people do after they hear something they don't like/don't want to hear. and once you hear what he has to say, actually think about it don't disregard it.

i guarantee you if you take the time to listen and respect what he says, even if you don't agree with it, he will take the time to listen to why you want to get married. and don't just say, "because i love him", you need real, concrete answers... you need a lot more than just love to make a marriage work. the transition may be easier and he might accept it if he thinks you really have thought this through and know what you are getting yoursef into and not just pull a Violet Beauregard like so many 19 year olds do (i'll admit to doing it occasionally to) and saying "don't care how, I want it now!!"

he is looking out for your best interests, whether you agree with what he's saying or not, he's not being contrary just to make you feel like a child.


 

 

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

I just want to continue with the wedding without feeling like I am a huge disappointment to him or to anyone else who has had a part in my life. My wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Wouldn't suck if during my father and dance he couldn't even look me in the eye. I would be so upset. I would never want to remember that night. I have all my priorities in line.

Well guess what, if you go through with it, you ARE going to be a disappoinment in your father's eyes. And your wedding day will NOT be happy just like you say. So clearly you do NOT have your priorities in line if you are willing to sacrifice a relationship with your father over your boyfriend.

A mature minded adult does not cry about her daddy not wanting her to get married. She steps up, gets a job, saves up some $, moves out and THEN makes her own decisions.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Ok so to answer everyones questions...

1. Ok so what I am 19 years old.
2. I am very mature for my age.
3. No I do not have a job currently.
4. Yes my fiance does have a job.
5. Yes I am determined to finish my education.

am I leaving anything out??

Why is age so freaking important to everyone. My age does not describe the kind of person I am. My mother passed away when I was sixteen years old and I was forced to become a woman very quickly.

Also someone said it was a bad reason to get married to spend more time together. Hmm..if I am not mistaken that is the sole purpose of getting married isn't it. So you can spend the rest of your life with the person you love. Just a thought.

Now as my as my inheritance is concerned no I am not wishing for my father to fall over dead tomorrow so I can reel in the dough I was just saying what he has told me.
Until I do inherit the family home we don't have to live in the lap of luxury to be happy. We are looking for a small apartment or a small home for a reasonable rent. Now like I said my tuition is paid for therefore there is no excuse for me to discontinue my education.

I honestly to do not understand why everyone thinks because I am nineteen that I am not ready to be a wife.
All my life I have had to live up to so many people's expectations. My mom's coworkers and friends and still even after her death they show up every now and then and basically judge me and see where I stand in my life. I am so tired of it. No my fiance isn't the only thing that makes me smile but what I meant was that, well after my mom died God placed someone else who is so special to me in my life to help me cope. He is my strength and every day that passes that we can't be together is a waste to me. I want to wake up every morning and fix his morning coffee and cook him breakfast, kiss him goodbye as I make my way to school, and come home to cook and clean and whatever other duties I may have. (homework) !!

I know my father wants what is best for me. Every parent does, most parents. But what kind of father would let something as me getting married to the man I love come between us. That is what he told me. He doesn't hate or dislike my fiance but with my dad if everything doesn't go his way or you don't do something the way he wants you might as well be dog shit. My dad is 66 years old. He is old and stubborn but I love him dearly. I just want to continue with the wedding without feeling like I am a huge disappointment to him or to anyone else who has had a part in my life. My wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Wouldn't suck if during my father and dance he couldn't even look me in the eye. I would be so upset. I would never want to remember that night. I have all my priorities in line. My father should see that I make good grades at my college, I keep the house clean, and everything else that I am not about to let a man come between me and my dream of becoming something great.

Edited by: MrsJoshuaRayMincey on Feb 4, 2010 10:47 PM

Please stop editing your posts! if you want to add to what you have said or clarify, reply to a post, it gets very confusing... especially when someone hasn't seen one of your "updates" (i missed one or two) and i have no idea what the other posters are responding to. people will be able to understand you and help you more if they know what everyone is talking about.

now, about what you said... yes, people get married so that they can spend the rest of their lives together, but it sounds like (according to the original OP) you just want to see him more than on weekends and after 9pm which is the curfew your dad gave you.

reason to get married: you want to spend your lives together
not a reason to get married: you want to see him on a tuesday at 10:45pm

you have been together 4 months... i understand you are in love and he is the greatest thing since sliced bread! you are still in the honeymoon phase, i felt that way 4 months in with my fiance... if you two are really in love, you will still feel this way in a year and don't need to get married to prove it to eachother or anyone else. michael and i have been together 2 years, we are in love and he is still the greatest thing since sliced bread... if it is meant to be, it won't change!

i have said this in a previous post and i'm going to say it again because you don't seem to be listening. are you really listening and paying attention to your father when he explains to you why he is dissappointed? if you don't want to listen to me and all of these other very smart women, listen to him! he is older and wiser and i guarantee you, knows you better than you think he does! he wants what's best for you! if he disagrees with you, it's not because he's being "stubborn", he has a point. you said he doesn't hate your fiance... this is good, he obviously doesn't want you to dump your boyfriend, he just wants you to take your time in the relationship! he's not being mean, he's being smart.


 

 

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: EWF

Also, OP, you've answered some questions but continue to ignore what any of us have said or asked about 1) if you want to be more independent, why don't you just move out on your own for a while and rent a room somewhere sans BF? and 2) great, so you're going to finish your education, but does your fiance have any financial goals/plans as well?

I didn't go back and read so I can't remember exactly what he's doing, but isn't he working at a fast food restaurant or something? What are his plans beyond that?

Nobody is saying you shouldn't marry this guy at all or that he isn't a great guy. We're just saying have a plan, and if you don't like Dad's rules, then move out and SHOW HIM that you're independent and that you'll be fine.

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BriansAzBride Posts : 326 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Ok, let me make sure I got this right since you seemed to haave changed your posts without actually addressing one person on here. Posters please correct me if I'm missing something.

You are 19 and only been dating this boy (yes, boy) for a short period of time.
You complain because your father makes you come home at reasonable hour so he knows you are at home safe in bed.
You want to get married because you want to spend more time with your boyfriend.
You have no job, boyfriend has a job, but to my readings has no future in that job.
You have an inheritance coming from your father is still aliving and kicking and only 66 (keep in mind most people don't die until their 80s).

So if I'm not leaving anything out then let me say one very simple thing. What is wrong with you? You have women on here who have been young and in love. You father has been a 19 yr old boy and know what will most likely happen. You want to be a grown-up? You think people shouldn't judge you and you should be free to do whatever you'd like whenever you'd like? Get a job, move out, make your own decisions. Don't come on message boards where girl after girl has come on whining about "my parent doesn't support me. Justify my reasoning for getting married". The ladies on here tell them exactly what they are telling you. Grow-up. Stop complaining about how things aren't going your way and take some action. If you don't like your dad's rules, move out. Don't come to us whining.

 

 

 

 I feel like a kid. Pinch me. This kind of love certainly can't be real. Oh wait, it is :)

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MrsJoshuaRayMin... Posts : 11 Registered: 8/18/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: EWF

We have been dating for three years.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

Great--you've been dating for 3 years. Now, what about all the other questions we've asked? Like about moving out on your own? Your BF's plans for the future? Etc.?!

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: My dad wants me to finish school first. What should I do?
Posted: Feb 5, 2010 5:03 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJoshuaRayMin...

with everything everyone is saying to you and all of the questions they are asking, the only answer you give is that you've been together for 3 years?

your lack of acknowledging 3 pages of people trying to give you good advice shows that you do not have the maturity to be someone's wife.

if this is how you are when your father voices his concerns, it is fairly obvious why he disapproves of your getting married. you said he treats you like a 12 year old... if you act like a 12 year old then that's how he's going to treat you. if you act like a mature adult then he will treat you like one.

 

 

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