outcomes of "cold feet"

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 29, 2010 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I'm very sorry. I agree with you that he should have communicated all this to you waaaay before getting engaged, but people make stupid decisions sometimes. I'm sure he loves you and didn't want to hurt you, so he kept quiet about his fears. It's just too bad that he eventually ended up hurting you MORE. If nothing else, hopefully he will learn a beneficial lesson from this.

As for how to go on, you just have to. We all take that risk when we let ourselves fall in love - sometimes you end up falling flat on your face. It sucks, but you have to get up and try again, because you know that one of these times you WON'T fall flat on your face - and when that day comes, all the heartache you've gone through leading up to it will be worth it, since it brought you to the right person. You're in a tough place, but try to keep that in mind.

As for your fears for future relationships, try not to worry. All you can do is be honest with future boyfriends about your desires and your fears that the same thing will happen again. Hopefully they will be mature enough to be honest with you as well. There are no guarantees, but perhaps you'll have better luck finding a like-minded man if you look for someone older or closer to your own age, or perhaps a man who already has kids and wants more. I know 32 and 36 seem close, but in this case, there was a big maturity gap. Also, try not to stress too much about your age. It's not like you're ancient! Women get pregnant over 40 all the time - and you can adopt at any age. Just focus on finding the right man, and then you can work on everything else.

BTW, how is your child dealing with the breakup? Have you looked into counseling for yourself? I'm sure it would make you feel much better!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 29, 2010 9:30 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Then to add to it, today he said "to an extent he fell out of love with me". What did I do or not do? I know I am told its not me,its him...but it makes me doubt myself. I didn't see this coming, but then again you don't fall out of love with someone overnight. "if you don't water the plant, it dies" theory.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 29, 2010 10:03 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sad,

Some years back I had a neighbor who was just plain stupid.

He would do stupid things. The other neighbors would stand around and say "Why did Rick do this?" or "Why did Rick do that?"

The answer was simple. Rick was stupid. Smart guy at some things, but in terms of life's practicalities he was just plain stupid.

I know a lot of people like that. They are brilliant computer programmers or brilliant financial planners, but they can't figure out how to change the ink cartridges in a printer. I used to do technical service for a blood analyzer. A doctor (DOCTOR!) called in one day. The machine would not come on. The buttons did not work. Why? Turns out it was not plugged in. (I am not kidding.)

Having said that...

"What did I do or not do? I know I am told its not me,its him...but it makes me doubt myself."

I don't know your ex-boyfriend, but maybe the answer is that he's a jerk. Some people are jerks. They lead people on, then flake out. We had to let someone go in our office, last month, and the basic reason after all was said and done was the guy was a jerk. He's say one thing, then do another. He'd promise to complete a job, then would let it slide.

If you accept the fact that your ex-boyfriend is a jerk, then that will put the end to your own self-doubt.

Just like Rick. No more scratching the head and wondering why he let his irresponsible teenaged son live in the house alone for six months. Rick was just plain stupid.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 29, 2010 10:16 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

And look on the bright side, he did you a huge favor by revealing his jerkiness (yeah, I know. Right now it seems like "Some Favor!"...but one day, you'll realize you're so much happier without him than you ever were with him. I promise.)

{{hugs}}

And yes. It IS him. He's an idiot.

Misty

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blewis1 Posts : 9 Registered: 3/11/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 1:54 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I am really sorry you are going through this, I just felt the need to express my sympathy. I can't imagine the confusion you have been surrounded by. I don't have any advice...but closure will come. And you will find happiness again. I wish you all the best

Edited by: blewis1 on Feb 2, 2010 1:55 AM

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 9:37 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Don't want to steal the thread, just wanted to thank you Myra for your advice. Tho it was not pertaining to my situation, your advice is always very refreshing and offers a different input. Thank you :)

As for the problem itself. As the others posted, I'm also thankful these issues came up, better late than never and be tied down to someone who didn't want to be there.

I feel for you, hope you can find peace ((HUGS)) Edited by: HamzicBride on Feb 2, 2010 10:00 PM

Edited by: HamzicBride on Feb 2, 2010 10:07 PM

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 8:19 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Then to add to it, today he said "to an extent he fell out of love with me". What did I do or not do?

You didn't do anything. This is about HIS problem, not about anything you did or didn't do. He's just making excuses, so that he doesn't feel like the breakup (and your subsequent sadness) is entirely his fault. Can't you see that through comments like this one, he's making YOU feel bad for something that HE did?

Honey, you have to stop talking to him. Cut the lines of communication completely and move on with your life. Continuing to talk to him and discussing the issues will only draw out your sadness for longer. I know you're trying to get some closure on the whole thing, but please trust me on this: the very best thing you could do for yourself right now is to walk away and stop talking to him. Don't worry about him. It's over. You have to take care of YOU right now, and the best way to do that is to start the healing process. You won't start healing if you're still talking to him, rehashing these issues, and breaking the old wounds open on a regular basis.

Come here and talk to us if you need to vent - or if you just need a distraction and need someone to tell you some jokes. But stop talking to him. It's only hurting you more when you need to be healing.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 6:42 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Any tips how to move on and make the pain go away? I have been doing things with my son of coarse, doing things with friends, volunteering more ect. But, at the end of the night I am left with me and my thoughts and I hate it! Deep down I know its him, but I sit and question how you just fall out of love with someone you recently proposed to . This WAS the best relationship I had ever known with the deepest of feelings. It is just hard to wrap my head around the fact its gone. When I do get to the point of dating again, how do you trust this won't happen again. When engaged you put your guard down thinking this person loves you and its heading toward a marriage. You don't put your guard up waiting for him to run.
I am trying the best I can and I know it takes time, but damn it tough! I am too sensitive and trying to toughin up :)

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: HamzicBride

You're welcome.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Feb 4, 2010 9:01 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Have you been to see a counselor on your own? This whole thing has understandably caused a lot of trust and self-esteem issues for you. I think you'd really benefit from talking to a professional and working through some of these feelings.

Staying busy definitely helps, too, so keep on with that. Ultimately, however, you're not going to get over this by burying your feelings - you have to work through them, and that's where the counseling comes in.

The pain is normal, and part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel it, but don't dwell on it. One day you'll wake up and realize that it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. After that, it will get easier every day.

As for how to trust again when you're ready to start dating again, you just have to. That's part of the risk and the rush of loving. You don't get to experience love without taking the risk of being hurt. Eventually, you'll decide that the risk is worth the reward.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: May 5, 2010 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

So it has almost been 6 monthes since my ex FH called off our wedding out of the blue. I am diffinently better than I was 3 mo ago, but there are days I am so angry with him for all the hurt he has caused. He has moved on with his life and this doesn't seem to have phased him a bit. I still wish I knew what was going thru his head and wish it were easy for me to move on...but it isn't! I am hoping one day it wont hurt anymore and that someone even more wonderful will enter my life and stay!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: May 5, 2010 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear NCO,

" I still wish I knew what was going thru his head"

He's an idiot. That's what's going through his head. I can tell you that, and I don't even know the guy.

I'm glad you are moving on and getting in a better place emotionally. I am overjoyed that you did not marry that loser. Truly, truly you dodged a bullet.

Thanks for coming back to fill us in.

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JMinMaui Posts : 2 Registered: 6/7/10
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jun 7, 2010 4:15 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Oh my goodness, I'm so terribly sorry that you've been through this and that the hurt is still very real because six months isn't a hugely long time for something so hurtful to have happened.

I just wanted to wish you the best and let you know that I completely agree with the others when they say your ex-fiance is probably just STUPID.

Being in the wedding coordinating profession, I sadly have seen many couples cancel their weddings due to something unforeseen. Sometimes it happens to be cold feet and other times (very recently) due to cheating hearts. Whatever causes it, it's NEVER nice and it's always an individual experience. No one knows what you're feeling right now - not even people who have gone through it.

Take solace in your son, in the family and friends that know your worth even if this person didn't. Have faith that there is someone out there that is MEANT for you and would never fathom leaving your side!

Aloha,
Jen

Jen Mather, Aisles in Paradise: Maui Wedding Planners

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dreams78 Posts : 1 Registered: 6/8/10
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jun 8, 2010 3:36 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

wow. it's like hearing my very own story all over again. Im so sorry for what you have gone through. I know first hand what a terribly frustrating and hurtful experience that is. My fiancee broke up with me for the second time due to "cold feet". It has been almost one month since the break up. He calls often and tells me how much he loves me and how scared he is. he recently started therapy to help him overcome his fear. But I dont know how supportive I should be. It's been devastating to me, and as cliche as this sounds, i love him very much which causes an internal struggle in me. Apart from this , I was ready for this wedding to take place, and I was ready for a family of my own. ( i am 31 and have no children).

Being that this is the second time he breaks it off, my friends have not been supportive of me taking his phone calls ( and i dont blame them). Anyway, I empathize with you, but you've come a long way so you should definitely give yourself credit. Thanks for sharing your story. Im know its been a painful process but i you have to believe you will come out stronger in the end. (it's hard to take your own advice!)

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Teedove Posts : 18 Registered: 5/20/10
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jul 31, 2010 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: dreams78

Wow, just reading this post all the way through it started in the end af 2009, and in the middle of 2010 it's still going....First let me start by telling you I have been in this situation 2 times...engaged to a guy started buying wedding items, making a arrangements and so on...the guy comes back 2 months later and says he is going back with his ex...I have 2 daughters that he took along with me on a trip and everything.....So there I was picking up the pieces to my life...then I met another guy...I was getting ready for Army boot camp..I thought me and this guy were in love, he says he wanted to marry me and so on...at this time I also met my now fiance and we became friends he helped me heal through this madness...but anyway, he tells me that he is going to wait till I come back from boot camp...Me and him met online, and went online and he was posting a ad for a new girlfriend....then he tells me that he is not going to wait on me....long story short trust in God, pray and let him heal your pain, he will do it for you, I am a living witness..you are better off without him...he did you a favor....I am now engaged to my best friend, my soul mate..the man that God made me for....And I thank God everyday for it...but b4 you start dating again take some time for you alone to know what you are wanting in a husband and what you are offering as a wife....don't go into the relationship with your eyes wide shut....watch all the signs...pay attention and you will know....

Teedove

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