Bridal Party Woes

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CaliGa8r Posts : 12 Registered: 1/29/10
Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 12:14 AM

I got engaged in October and promptly asked my sister (21) to be my MOH. Of course she said yes and seemed to be quite excited. I then proceeded to ask four of my cousins to be bridesmaids and they all turned me down, citing work/school/their own weddings/finances as an obstacle. So while disappointed, I figured that at least I would have my sister (who is 9 years younger than me) standing up with me and she too thought it was a bit crappy that they all turned me down. My FI has his brother as his BM and they got along well, so we were very excited to have them as our future witnesses (Catholic weddings require Catholic witnesses). Neither of our siblings have a lot of money since they're both young and students, but we never expected anything out of them other than showing up for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding to be our witnesses. All of the extra stuff is just that, stuff and not something either of us are paticularly interested in, nor would we be heartbroken if they didn't happen.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago. My sister had been unresponsive to my phone calls and text messages, so I had to resort to Facebook to contact her. She finally messaged me back stating that while she was initially excited about the wedding and being the MOH, she didn't know if she would be able to financially support it since she will be entering nursing school and is paying for a good portion of the tuition herself a month before the wedding date. She said that every penny she would be making until September would be going towards this, so she didn't know how much she could pull financially with travel and a dress and all. I told her that I would never get a dress that would cost too much for her and that our dad had stated that they would be driving down, so she wouldn't have to fly and hitch a ride with our parents. Completely understanding her financial situation, I told her that I have a bridal party that can help in terms of planning and if it came down to having my sister standing up with me at the altar or a stupid bachelorette party, it wasn't a choice. She has not contacted me since, ignoring phone calls, text messages, and Facebook messages.

My dad called me a few days ago to find out more about the planning and I had mentioned her hestitation. He said he would find out what was going on and that of course she should be my MOH. I am the eldest of four and we are the only girls. I found out tonight that she has suddenly decided to go to Mexico with her girlfriends in a couple of months. While I couldn't care less that she's going (more power to her), I am feeling extremely slighted that she "can't afford to make it to my wedding," yet can go South of the Border with her friends for a week. Am I wrong to feel insulted? Should I just forget it and find a new MOH since she doesn't seem all that eager to be there for me? She's the baby and therefore always been a bit spoiled, but to me this just seems really immature, even for a 21 year old.
"Marriage is not only the beginning of a relationship but also the end of a life long search for the other half of your soul."

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AmyJustin2010 Posts : 201 Registered: 1/18/10
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 9:50 AM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

You're right, she is acting immature for her age. When one accepts the MOH duties, she accepts the financials that come along with it. I find it pretty rude that she has enough money to go to Mexico on a college trip yet she lied and told you that "every penny until september" was being put towards nursing school. You've already gone above and beyond for her by arranging her transportation to the wedding and not expecting much else out of her.

I'd say to kick her out. She seems too unreliable and unpredictable. How are you supposed to have her in the bridal party if she won't even respond to your messages? If she won't even talk to you your wedding day is going to end up being very uncomfortable. I'm not a bridezilla IMO but she sounds like a downer that you don't want being your honor attendant on your day.

Ask your closest friend to do the duties, whether or not she's Catholic. The "witness" can technically be anyone who witnesses the marriage. Your MOH doesn't need to sign as the witness and nobody besides you, FH and the priest/deacon will be any wiser. Our MOH and BM are both under 18, so we're having other people sign since they can't, no big deal.

Good luck and sorry you have to deal with all this!


AmyJustin2010.Weebly.Com

 

Amy & Justin--Buffalo Sabres Fanatics :) 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 10:00 AM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

Dear Cali,

My suggestion: Talk to your parents. See if they might be willing to pay for her dress, her travel, whatever. Then see if you can get Sis and your parents and you in the same room. Nail down her participation, either positive or negative.

I can understand you are hurt that she went to Mexico for fun while pleading poverty with you. Try to put that aside. Young people sometimes have troubles setting priorities. Could be a certain young man was part of the group and she saw this trip as her chance to (1) bag him or (2) make sure someone else doesn't bag him.

Get together with your parents and get it straightened out as soon as possible. If she's still a jerk, then tell your parents you need to boot her and see if they can be of any support there.

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CaliGa8r Posts : 12 Registered: 1/29/10
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 1, 2010 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: AmyJustin2010

Thank you guys. I
"Marriage is not only the beginning of a relationship but also the end of a life long search for the other half of your soul."

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 8:38 AM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

I wouldn't kick her out, as she's your sister. If you are close enough that you immediately asked her to be your MOH, then you are close enough to deal with this without getting all offended and flying off the handle.

Sure, I get why you're upset, but she's just a kid. This is probably the first wedding that she's been a part of, and she just doesn't get it. I certainly didn't understand the whole wedding world when I was that age, either - and I probably wouldn't have thought twice about dropping out of a WP, thinking it was no big deal. As far as the money goes, of course she shouldn't have lied to you - but I wouldn't let it get to me. Yeah, she's technically an adult, but I consider my college-aged siblings to still be kids. They don't have the judgement, tact, experience, or financial resources that older adults have. I expect things like this from them because things like trips for spring break ARE important parts of their life right now. Plus, you don't know the whole story. Perhaps the trip has been in the works for months, or someone else is paying, or they got a really good deal and are staying at a super-cheap hotel and it really doesn't cost much (that's how my college-era trips went).

The bottom line is that this is your sister, regardless of her poor judgement in this situation. If you kick her out, you'll still need to deal with her for the rest of your life - you can't let the friendship fade away like you could if she was just a friend. And at the end of the day, think about looking at your photos 40 years from now. Will you remember who paid for her dress or why she isn't there? Probably not. Personally, I don't think this is a big enough slight to kick a family member out of the WP, especially since she's young and really just doesn't get it that she's insulted you. I would work something out so that she doesn't have to pay for a dress (you or your parents could pay for it - or let her wear something she already owns). That's a small price to pay to have your sister stand up with you on your wedding day. Remember that she will grow out of this irresponsible phase, and she will always be your sister. I'd let this go and find a way for her to participate, even if she does nothing to help and simply has the MOH title (that's what my sis - 12 years younger than me and a teenager at the time of my wedding - did for mine. She was MOH, but did none of the stuff that people on this website require their MOH to do. Sometimes it's just a title, but the title should go to the most important woman in your life - and if you have a sister, it should be her, as you know that she'll be in your life in the future, while friends may not).


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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CaliGa8r Posts : 12 Registered: 1/29/10
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

That's just it, I don't want to kick her out. That was never my suggestion. She's the one backing out on me. I told her flat out that I don't want anyone else standing up with me at the wedding other than her. This is not the first wedding she's been a part of, nor will it be the last. We have a huge family and we're all around the same age.

Her pending trip to Mexico wasn't something she had been planning for a long time nor is it being funded by anyone else. Her and her BFFs got together last week and decided spur of the moment to go. She told me so herself. I realize that she's 21, but come on. You don't plead being too poor to go to your only sister's wedding and then decide to go to another country just for the hell of it. We're not a family of perpetual kids, we were all raised to be conscientous and respectful from the earliest of ages.

I live in Florida and she's in Chicago. I can't hunt her down to make her talk to me about this. She has been ignoring my phone calls and text messages, either not reading or not responding to emails or Facebook messages. I don't want to publically embarrass her by writing something about it on her wall. I've asked my parents to find out what her deal is. One of our cousins suggested that she's jealous because she is worried that my parents will spend all their money on my wedding and leave nothing for her later, which is just ridiculous. Either way, even our brothers think she's being selfish.
"Marriage is not only the beginning of a relationship but also the end of a life long search for the other half of your soul."

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 2, 2010 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

I definitely agree that it was not very mature or respectful of your sister to book a last minute vac with her Biffs to Mexico when she knew that she had already accepted the role of MO for your wedding. No doubt about it, she was irresponsible for doing so & you do have the right to be upset.

BUT she is still your sister. She is still your MOH. As the PPs mentioned, talk to your parents about it & see if they woulodn't mind covering the financial aspect of her being your MOH. If your bridal party can help out & put together a bachelorette party for your, then that'd take the pressure off of your sister. ALSO nothing says that you have to have a bachelorette party. How important is that 'tradition' of marriage to you? I personally don't understand the need to have one, especially if money is tight, but that's just me.

While it seems difficult to get a response from your sister right now, don't give up. Have your parents talk to her about the cost of the dress & remind her about the arrangements to carpool to your wedding. Maybe she just needs to be reassured that she is only expected to be there to be your MOH & witness your marriage.

"Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, Ease my troubles, that's what you do." -Rod Stewart

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 12:26 AM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

I do agree that you should talk to your parents about covering her MOH expenses if you are unable to cover them yourself. This is a Catholic wedding, and I know the religious ceremony is important to you.. so it makes sense you want your sister there. But I don't think you are going to be able to depend on her to foot any of the cost. Try not to be resentful about it. She is who she is. She may grow out of it, and she may not.

Don't let this upset you too much. Congrats on your engagement.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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delmarplatinumb... Posts : 33 Registered: 5/29/09
Re: Bridal Party Woes
Posted: Feb 3, 2010 2:52 AM Go to message in response to: CaliGa8r

This is a tough situation. While I would not kick her out of the wedding party all together, I would down grade her position of MOH. Unfortunately being a MOH does come with duties. Most people that are asked to be a MOH feels this is a great honor and would happily support the bride on her day and help her out as needed. It sounds like you are not even asking for much.

If she is not even responding to your calls/texts/emails then its time to cut her loose from MOH title/duties. Ask your best friend to be your MOH, regardless of her religious affiliation.

Tho I have not been officially asked as a MOH for my friends wedding, I am happy to help her out with wedding details, because I love her and want to support her in anyway I can. I can understand not having the funds to throw you a party, attend a bacherolette party, taking your calls and answering your texts/emails are all free and does not take a lot of time.

It is clear she doesnt feel as tho your day is important, as choosing to spend her money on her Mexico trip, which is fine because that is important to her. But she should at least care enough about you to answer your call. If she cant do it, she should have said something instead of being immature and just avoiding you. Just tell her you understand being a MOH carries a lot of weight, and you understand her not being able to afford it. However, you need someone to communicate about wedding details with, and if she cant do it, you will have to downgrade to just a BM for now. And say to her please let you know if she cant even attend your wedding due to cost factors as you need to make other arrangements.

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