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HELP!!! Advise PLEASE

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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 11:49 AM

My fiance's MUCH older sister lives with us...He allowed her to move in until she got back on her feet....that was SIX YEARS AGO! I moved in about a year ago and we recently got engaged. This woman doesn't pay rent/utilities or offer to help with anything! She works a full time job, doesn't have a car payment or young children to support so it's not like she can't afford to help out or even get her own small apartment. I have expressed my concerns to my FH and he understands them, wants her to leave as well but doesn't want to kick her out because "it's my sister" SHe treats our 3 year old like crap and our 18th month old like an angel!

She frustrates me to TEARS and I don't know what to do. Anyone have any advise? I'm just about at the end of my rope.


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new_jersey , march_2010
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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 1:47 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

You walked in to this situation with your eyes open. My advice: walk out the same door you walked in. Get your own place and tell him, "It's her or me." If he doesn't respond to that, I'd suggest that you make the exit permanent. Also, use birth control. You don't need to have any more kids with this guy until he grows up and decides to treat you like his wife, not another room mate.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

new_jersey , march_2010
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I agree wholeheartedly with you, Myra. I couldn't have said it better.

 

 

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

new_york_metro , new_jersey , march_2010 , october_2008
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

I'm also 100% with Myra. Tell he has a choice to make and stick to it.

 

 

 

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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,286 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Words of wisdom given by Mrya....again!

upstate_hudson_valley , april_2007 , new_jersey , march_2010
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 3:33 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

I agree with Myra. I would sit down first though and talk to my fiance. I would tell him that if she isn't gone in "X" amount of time then you will be gone in "X" amount of time. Tell him to say to her that it isn't healthy to have three adults in the house, especially when the two of you are trying to learn to live together as husband and wife. A third person really messes with the family dynamics, including how the children are raised. This is the reason he must ask her to go. He doesn't have to put in a way to hurt her feelings, although that may happen anyway. He can just explain that you guys need the privacy and face to build your family. He needs to do it alone, without you, and he needs to do it soon. I think one month would be fair. That would give her plenty of time to find another place. Make it clear to him that you WILL LEAVE if she isn't gone. And during that month you should be looking for a place because you very well may have to leave. If you make the threat, then you must follow through.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 4:32 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

Dear CHF,

Move out.

I'm with Myra and everyone else. Get off the floor and stop acting like a doormat.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 10:59 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Francie has great advice for you.

Tell him that she needs to be out be a certain date, or you and the kids will be out instead. If he chooses you, awesome. If he chooses her, you've dodged a bullet by finding that out before marriage.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 25, 2010 9:14 AM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

Thanks everyone. He's gone for 2 weeks on business so when he gets back I'm dropping the bomb. Thanks for the words of encouragement...I'll let you know how it goes!!


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new_jersey , march_2010
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 25, 2010 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

Please do let us know! It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. If you need us, we will be here!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 25, 2010 3:13 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thanks, it means a lot to me to know I'm not being unreasonable for feeling this way. I know there is always 3 sides to eery story, especially mine, but I just don't feel like she's being fair to my family by being such a mooch. And quite frankly, he's not either for allowing it!


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new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 25, 2010 6:08 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

It's good that you realize all of this, and that you aren't just accepting it.

Have you decided what to do about it?

I definitely vote giving a time limit and saying that you will be leaving if she isn't gone. Just make it a reasonable time limit to allow her to find a new place. Like a month, not two days :P
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 26, 2010 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

HAHA, So much for me waiting until he got home. When he called after his class tonight I blew my top! He said he understood, once again, and that he would take care of it when he got home. I'm for sure holding him to it. Im glad I got it off my chest because if I had waited two weeks I would have either hit the roof or stepped back from it all. I told him he needed to make a choice on who is was that he was going to house...me and our children or his sister. He said there was no choice, it's me and the kids...always. I told him I was done with her! Period! I'll let ya know how it goes in a couple of weeks when he gets home from classes/training.


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new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 26, 2010 9:21 PM Go to message in response to: chfsgrl

I can't say that I blame you. I would have done the same thing.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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chfsgrl Posts : 36 Registered: 1/6/10
Re: HELP!!! Advise PLEASE
Posted: Jan 27, 2010 8:44 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

At first I felt bad for adding more stress while he's away from home. But after I thought about it, the madder I got and figured...if I had to put up with the shit she's pulling, so does he!! No matter where he is...


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new_jersey , march_2010 , north_carolina
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