Grandparents won't be there

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FutureMrsGillum... Posts : 23 Registered: 1/24/09
Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 6:54 PM

I am having a destination wedding and my grandparents aren't going to be able to travel. I have mentioned them in our invitations because they helped my single mother raise me. In Florida my mom is giving me away, but should she mention my grandparents too? My grandparents are going to be able to watch it right after the ceremony on the internet, and I think that will make them feel more involved.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 7:45 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

Dear Mrs G,

Your mother can say whatever she likes. She should talk to the officiant ahead of time and make arrangements.

PS: Why a destination wedding that your grandparents, who helped raise you, cannot attend? Not my business, but I'm curious.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 11:27 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm curious too. I know, I'm nosey :P
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 11:50 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt, that was the first thing I wondered when I read the OP.


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FutureMrsGillum... Posts : 23 Registered: 1/24/09
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

Well first of all them not being there was not in the original plan a year and half ago. But now we are to far into everything to change stuff now and that has been the case for the 50 other people who already have hotel and airfare. Unfortunately life doesn't go on stand by because you are getting married. My grandmother just had her first knee replacement and is scheduled for her second in mid March. I would rather her be able to walk for another 20 years without pain than put it all on hold to travel for my wedding. Second we are not religious people, for our wedding we wanted to have on the beach because the ocean is very important to us. And I am blessed to say that my family wants our wedding to be about me and fiancee and not about everything they want. We are having a reception at home with 200 people and that is where we will cut the cake, our grand entrance, dance with my grandpa, and also show our wedding on a 6 ft screen.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 6:06 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

Well, you obviously knew before booking it that elderly people are prone to ailments and that it was possible that they might not be able to attend, so I can only assume that the ocean is really that important to you.

I'm glad that they aren't upset about not being there. The reception at home is a great idea,for destination wedding couples.


Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Hey! People have destination weddings all the time. We plan them for where we want them to be and we invite people accordingly. Weddings are about the couple, NOT the grandparents and their ability to attend or not. She invited them. At the time the decision was made, they were able to come. They were good with her decision. Now things have changed. And because the initial plans were made assuming that her grandparents were going to remain hale and hearty, she had every expectation of that. We don't walk around anticipating that our elderly family members will be struck down by ailments.

BL, normally, I'm with you on most things in this forum; however, in this instance, I don't think it is right to chastise someone for their choice of wedding location. I do not know if that was your intent with your paragraph here saying this: "Well, you obviously knew before booking it that elderly people are prone to ailments and that it was possible that they might not be able to attend, so I can only assume that the ocean is really that important to you." However, it really felt like a slap to say that the ocean was more important to her than her grandparents. And truthfully, the OP didn't have to explain anything to us. We were, as you admitted, being nosey. Now I feel as if we're being judgmental too.

Misty

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Yup, you're right, I'm being judgemental. And I am not against destination weddings, but this one just hit a nerve with me.

Her grandparents RAISED her . We are not talking about distant relatives, but the people who raised her . I'm sure that their life plan didn't involve raising their grandchildren, but they stepped up to the plate. It just surprises me that her "wedding plan" wasn't more centred around them

I would have given anything for even one of my grandparents to have been at my wedding . You know, in person.

And let's be honest: a wedding is not JUST about the couple. If that were the case, there would be no need for a wedding with any guests at all!

But anyway. Sorry if I am cranky. I do like a lot of your idea, OP, for how to bring the wedding to the guests back at home (the screen idea is a good one)
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 6:37 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

(by " in person", I mean that three of them were dead, and as I am spiritual, I am sure that they were there in some form)
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 7:11 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

You know what? I'm sorry. I shouldn't post when I'm in a bad mood, and I shouldn't be mad at you because my only living grandparent was dying during my wedding. I apologize.

To actually answer your question, I think it would be wonderful for your mother to mention your grandparents . She doesn't have to explain why they aren't there, she could just say something like ' Even though they couldn't be here today..."

Edited due to grammatical error
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

Edited by: BirdLover on Jan 24, 2010 7:25 PM

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 7:43 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I am sorry BirdLover. I didn't mean to be mean to you -- and you know, sometimes we read things wrong.

I moved my first wedding from Alabama to Indiana (pain in the butt, if you ask me), just so that my maternal grandmother could come. My maternal grandfather was bedridden with Alzheimers, and she was his primary care giver. Getting away for 3 hours was possible. Getting away for 4 days was not. My paternal grandmother was pissed that I didn't move the wedding to Texas for her convenience. I told her point blank that the decision to travel was one she could make. It was not one my other grandmother could. I moved it away from all my friends and all my groom's friends, just so that my grandmother could be there. My grandfather, by the way, died three months prior to the weding, but you can't plan a wedding thinking "oh, well, he'll be dead by then, so you'll be able to come!!" (you really can't!)

This time, she was the one who was not able to travel... and I decided I was not doing another destination wedding for her benefit. (not to mention she probably would not know who the heck I was ...now that she has dementia).

In a perfect world, everyone has the money to do what they dream, and everyone important to us can be with us when we need them to.

{{hugs}}

Misty

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Don't worry. Grandparents are a sore spot for me. So many people I know (and no, I don't think that the OP is one of them) REALLY take their grandparents for granted. And I know that it really hurts some of them (like my Nana - my sister and i were the only ones out of 10 grandchildren who made much of an effort to visit her once we got past childhood)

Anyway...I can relate to your post, Cat, about trying to arrange everything so that someone sick/important can be there, and then being critiqued because someone else would PREFER to not come that day, or that place. I certainly don't think that you can please everyone.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 8:28 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

Dear Mrs G,

That works for me. I was curious, and your explanation makes sense.

There's another message on this board from a bridemaid who bought non-refundable tickets to a destination wedding, then the bride changed it to a hometown wedding. What to do? I replied that the bridesmaid ought to have a really nice vacation and skip the wedding. Another message from someone else talks about a bridesmaid who agreed when the wedding was a hometown wedding, then later it was changed to a destination wedding. Great. Now the bride wants to have an at-home delayed reception (like you do, perfectly OK), but wants the bridesmaid to buy a dress ONLY for that at-home reception. Um, no.

There is precedent, in other words, for you doing exactly what you are doing. You're fine.

So long as you, FH and your grandparents are OK with your existing plans, then that's all that matters.

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FutureMrsGillum... Posts : 23 Registered: 1/24/09
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 8:37 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

Well just to set the record straight on how I feel about it all, I revert back to something that my grandpa told me ( you know the one that I care more about the ocean than) if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. I for one only post to topics where I think I can be helpful. After all, this is suppose to a positive thing, and a place for women who have gone through or going through the wedding planning process can get ideas and support.

I don't feel helped. I feel like someone having a shitty day took it out on me. And it was bull. You don't know me, or my grandparents and to even say that a body of water means more to me than my grandparents was a low blow and totally uncalled for.

But you are allowed your opinon. But personally, before you write something that may hurt someones feelings, stop and think about how you would feel. Its not a good feeling and as a matter of fact it ruined part of my day.

So Thank YOU, for making yet another simple part of my wedding a big ordeal. You really HELPED alot.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Grandparents won't be there
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 8:39 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsGillum...

I apologized.

And responding with a big message designed to make me feel like crap in return really doesn't make you a better person than me.

I am glad that your grandparents are not upset that they can no longer attend.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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