Vent!!!!

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 21, 2010 8:20 PM

I have a major vent here. I'm sorry its so long but I needed to get this off my chest.

My parents have been helping me financially as much as I need while I got through college (I finished up in December), and now continue to help me while I'm job hunting. My dad has been great through the whole thing...expressing a genuine interest in my studies and always being lighthearted and funny when I talk to him about job hunting and stuff. Then again, I am a daddys girl and he can do no wrong in my eyes. But on the other hand, my mother has been off-and-on with me through the past few years. Sometimes she's warm and fuzzy and wonderful, but the other 50% of the time she's an ice queen.

When I first wanted to go back to school, I had planned to figure it all out on my own, including the money part. When I mentioned I was going to meet with someone at the college I liked to discuss my options, my mom told me that her and my dad would totally willingly help me out money-wise while I went to school full-time to get my degree. They paid for the portion of my tuition that wasn't covered by loans, and helped me out with my rent (I worked 2 part-time jobs during my time in school, but they are low-paying, so I needed some help). I am 10000000000% appreciative of their help. Without them I don't know how I would have gotten through in only 3 1/2 years, especially since my degree was in genetics and it was no peice of cake!

However, this is where the problem comes in. My mom will often guilt-trip the hell out of me for "taking" their money. I almost quit school with 1 year left because my mother told me in not-the-nicest-way I was preventing them from realizing their dream of building a 2nd house. During this fight, I told them to STOP sending me money, being guilt tripped about it all the time was NOT worth it to me, just STOP and I'll figure it out on my own. But then she started crying and saying she was sorry and they willingly help me out and please don't quit. Its like I have been being pulled in 2 different directions by her over the last 4 years.

I KNOW she is harboring a lot of resentment towards me because I "take" their money. However, if she wasn't willing to give it, why did they?? (Keep in mind i never asked for their help..they graciously offered and I appreciatively accepted.) I would have found a way to get myself through school - it wouldn't have been as easy and it would have taken a lot longer, but I would have done it.

My FH is moving in with me at the end of the month, so the amount of money they are sending me has been reduced by more than half. I called her tonight to ask her for a check (hopefully this is the last month I ever need to ask for any money from anyone ever again), and she was so uptight and stressed because she had lost her checkbook, and I felt like she was taking it out on me. I'm always at a stress level of 15 out of 10 when I ask for money because I HATE doing it, so when she started in on me about her lost checkbook, I lost it for a minute and started crying, and she just went "oh would you just STOP IT?!?!!?!".

I just hate that she has this built up resentment towards me. In a way, I can definately understand her frustration. It's not like I'm 18, and I should be able to take care of myself financially by now. The thing is that, from my point of view, while I am so so so appreciative for the help they've given me....why does my mother feel the need to berate me for accepting it when she gave it so willingly?? I used to be so close with my mom but now, I feel like some days she likes me and she'll call and we'll talk for a good hour on the phone...but other days it's like she'd just rather me dissapear. And it's not like I don't appreciate the help...she's told me she knows I appreciate everything, and I'm almost annoyingly appreciative.

Maybe I'm just being a big crybaby. I just needed to vent. If anyone has any advice or comments, good or bad, I'd be willing to read them. I just needed to get this off my chest.

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 21, 2010 10:19 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

If I were you i'd find ANY job possible just to cover the bills. We all have to do it... I'm back at a job i'd like if it wasn't for my boss. My boss LOVES to put us all down and just treat us like total crap. I mean it's BAD!! But it's money and I have to have it. It's by no means a career!! I REALLY want a better job but it comes with time.

Once your able to do this you can start patching things up with your mother. Save up some money to take her out and have a mother/daughter day - your treat.

There is probably more issues on the table than you know and she just doesn't know how to deal with it all. How old is she now? Could be going through life changes... Your parents may be having troubles? Or do you two spend time together anymore? Maybe she feels like she's being taken advantage of?



My dad was paying for my brothers house. My brother wanted the house in his name but my dad wanted to keep it in his own name so he could at least claim it on taxes and help himself out a bit. My brother was upset about this and they had a little fight but my dad continued to pay for it even though my brother NEVER talked to him after this. Then one day my dad found out my brother wasn't living in the house... instead he was renting it out and keeping the money. Now my dad is hurt and my brother is pissed. My dad let the house go back to the previous owner losing out in money and my brother lost his "income".

I talked to my brother and he feels hurt and betrayed. Like my dad was trying to just help himself and not my brother. :scratches head:
I talked to my dad and he's fed up. He tries and tries and gets nothing in return. Not even a happy holidays.

I know this isn't ANYTHING like your situation. My point is sometimes you need that person in the middle who sees it all to just let you know what you don't see. My brother finally decided to half way start talking to my dad again after I blew up on him over the situation....

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 21, 2010 10:28 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Dear Mindy,

Yeah, I know poeple like that. They give with one hand and take from the other. The result is the recipient feels like turning down the money would be far less trouble than taking it. Oh, but, then you get the guilt trip along the lines of "our money isn't good enough for you."

You're venting here, and that's good.

Here is my suggestion, speaking as the mother of adult children.

Suck it up.

Just take her money, listen to her bitch, then go on your merry way. Very soon, you will be self-supporting and won't have to go through that crap just to get money promised to you.

Then, later, when you have children make a vow that you will give them money with with very well defined strings attached, but no more.

All money comes with strings attached, without exception. The trick is you don't want to pile on more strings after the money has been accepted.

"OK, My Child, I will give you $5,000 towards buying a car, provided it's American made." (or automatic transmission or post-2005 or whatever)

"Mom, I really appreciate that. Thank you."

You buy a Ford, thus fulfilling the condition on which the money was given.

Later...

"Can't you take off work and give Grandma a ride to the shopping mall? After all, we did give you money to buy a car."

That's adding a string, post-facto. You can get angry, vent, etc., but the correct response is:

"I'm afraid I cannot do that. I have to work. I'll call Grandma and see if she's willing to go some other time when I don't have to work. I think Grandma and I can come to an agreement."

***

I've mentioned on this forum the difference between Private Thoughts and Public Expression. Sure, in your private thoughts you are seething angry, and rightly so, just like the message you wrote. Keep all that in your private thoughts. Your Public Expression should be "I am so grateful to Mom and Dad for helping me with my education. It was a lot of sacrifice for them."

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 21, 2010 10:38 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

dear LTG,

I know you didn't ask, but I'll offer an opinion.

"My dad was paying for my brothers house. My brother wanted the house in his name but my dad wanted to keep it in his own name "

Since when do you get a house in your name when you aren't paying for it? I'm on Dad's side here.

"My brother was upset about this and they had a little fight but my dad continued to pay for it even though my brother NEVER talked to him after this."

If Dad was doing this as a way of being a loving father helping a son, then he should have cut it off when Son stopped talking to him.

"Then one day my dad found out my brother wasn't living in the house... instead he was renting it out and keeping the money."

So, Son was getting a house for free, Dad's paying for it, and Son rents it out to sub-tenants and turns a tidy profit of his own. Wow.

"Now my dad is hurt and my brother is pissed. "

I'd be hurt, too. I'm totally on Dad's side here. Son is an idiot.

"I talked to my brother and he feels hurt and betrayed. Like my dad was trying to just help himself and not my brother. :scratches head:"

As if your brother wasn't just trying to help himself. Yeah, he helped himself to a tidy profit at his father's expense, and without his father's knowledge nor consent.

"I talked to my dad and he's fed up. He tries and tries and gets nothing in return. Not even a happy holidays."

I'm with Dad totally. Tell him he has my sympathies.

Money comes with strings. The "string" to your father's money paying for the house is that Son would live there. Son took the money, and actually rented out the house for a profit and broke the "string".


" after I blew up on him over the situation...."

Brava!!!

Sailors would have learned new dirty words had they listened to me blow up like that.

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 21, 2010 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Thanks Tuffgirl and AOTB! It's a relief to know that I'm not being just a big whiney ungrateful brat about this, especially since it's been bothering me for years.

I've been sending out a bazillion resumes and have had 1 promising interview for a job I REALLY want...I should hear about it soon. However, if I don't get it, I think I'm just going to suck it up and get whatever job I can that pays the bills, like TuffGirl said.

The funny thing is, when I mentioned that fact to my mother on the phone tonight ("I don't know mom, I think I'm going to give it another few weeks and if I don't get anymore bites on my resume, I'm just going to start applying to retail management jobs"), she said "Finding a job will take time! You haven't been at it THAT long. Just be patient!"....and she said this literally 2 minutes after she made me feel god-awful about taking her money. Sigh! But yeah, being an assistant manager at PetCo sounds a LOT better than putting up with this give-and-take situation I've been in!! lol

Again, thanks for the advice and comments ladies!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

It sounds like your mom means well and supports your efforts, but you sometimes catch her in a bad mood and she takes it out on you. That's unfortunate, but it happens. I know how frustrated you are, but try to see her point of view as well. Imagine that you've had a crappy day for whatever reasons, then you realize that on top of everything else, you've lost your checkbook. At that moment, your adult daughter calls and asks for money. Even if you're happy to give it to her, the timing of the phone call sucked.

As far as job hunting goes, I've never understood why people spend ANY time jobless while looking for another job. I would take a stupid retail or restaurant job now so that you have some income coming in while you're looking for a real job. Then just keep looking. Your mom is right that job searches can take quite a bit of time, but you need to take care of yourself while you're looking. Just don't settle for the temporary job - keep aggressively looking for a job in your career field until you find one.

Just one question about the financial aspect of all this: If you're engaged and your FH is moving in with you, why can't HE help you out financially? I know that some couples like to split bills 50/50, but if one person is employed and the other is not, that makes no sense. Since you're getting married, now seems like as good a time as any to practice making things work on your own, including one person assisting the other in a time of need. I supported DH for about 6 months while we were engaged when he was job searching, and again for several months after we got married when he had to have several knee surgeries and was out of work on disability. What would you do after you're married if someone lost their job? You'd have no choice but to work it out.

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I am working right now - about 35 hours a week. I haven't been jobless since I was 16 - but I work at a drug store now (its my college part-time job - my manager just is giving me more hours now that I'm out of school) and I make a drug store salary, lol. So it's not like I'm just sitting on my butt all day :-)

FH will end up helping me out.He just hasn't been able to until now because he hasn't made enough money (he started a new, much higher paying job in Dec). And he couldn't this month because since he's moving in with me, he had to save up about $1300 in one month to do all that security deposit stuff. So if I don't get a "big girl job" in the next month, he will be able to pay the rent by himself while I look.

So we will be able to scrape by. I am more frusterated by my mom's attitude. But yes, I do understand that she is in a bad mood sometimes and takes it out on me. I just wish sometimes she would take it out on someone else, lol. She is one of those people who knows how to cut someone right to the core with one sentance. Then again, so am I. Maybe its a genetic trait ;-)

When I was a little younger I used to think we got on each others nerves because we were so different. But the older I get, the more I think that maybe we butt heads all the time because we're so much alike. What this all really boils down to is that I just want my mom back, without all the resentment and stuff that I seem to be getting. But I guess maybe that will come when she stops giving me money. :-/

Thanks for the reply!

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

Mindy,
My son just graduated college in December and his Father and I are still helping him financially, although he just started a really good job. His Dad is going to continue to pay his phone bill and his car insurance, we are allowing him to become completely independent but we also understand that first jobs don't pay that much. During the entire 4 years of college, my ex-husband and I paid for everything we could. My son also worked almost the entire time. I am happy to stay that we never put any "conditions" on the money we gave him, nor would we ever. At the same time, there have been times when we felt he was not being as responsible with money and we had no problem saying "no" if we did not feel it was helping him to give him money.

I totally don't understand why a parent would resent helping their child. I wish I could have paid my son't entire way through school and that he wouldn't have to owe student loans. We were able to pay for 2 years and my son had to get loans for the last two years. But we still paid his rent, etc.
I know there will be times in the future where he will need financial help and I hope I am in the position to do so. If not, I will tell him I can't.

The only thing I can tell you is to try to keep from taking money from your parents from now on. Even when you start planning your wedding, I would totally not ask them for money. It sounds like they are anxious to start living their lives (post dependent kids) and I wouldn't do anything that would keep them from building that second house or whatever they want to do.

Congrats on your college graduation. Now go out there and take the world by storm!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 22, 2010 11:07 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Francie, you sound like my parents. They paid for any part of my education that I hadn't saved up for (so basically they paid for the majority) and a little bit beyond. They recognize that getting into the working world and actually making enough to support oneself is a lot harder than it used to be, and they didn't want my sister and I to graduate with a ton of debt. Of course, they could afford it . And like you, they wouldn't have given us any money in a situation where we were wasting money elsewhere.

Oh, and they outfitted pretty much my daughter's entire nursery because "we want to spend out money while we're alive. Sorry you won't get much inheritence, ha"

Anyway...this is completely useless for the OP, but Francie I did want to let you know that I'm glad to have read your post because my parents often feel like they are the " weird ones", lol

My inlaws, conversely, who have gobs of money, wouldn't even LEND my husband money when he was fresh out of college, and off work for a month and a half due to surgery. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Well, thank you for that! I think our kids are always our kids and my son is amazingly independent. I don't think our helping him financially has kept him from being independent. At the same time, my Father continues to help his children out anytime we need it. In fact, I am taking a graduate course now that cost 2,0000. That was a bit steep for me, so he offered to pay part of it. He is in a place where he can do it and he wants to. He is like your parents, he doesn't see a reason to try to take the money with him.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 23, 2010 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

My Nana was the same way, for slightly different reasons . She socked away a TON of money when my mom and her siblings were kids, to the point where they lived VERY modestly, because she was always worried about her husband being unable to work due to his health.

He was able to retire at age 60, so she planned well!

But she always felt guilty, like she had deprived her children (my mom said that she never felt that they had gone without) and made up for it later in life.

I currently live in her old condo, which she sold to my mom for 2$ :)
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Vent!!!!
Posted: Jan 24, 2010 8:44 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think we could all use a lesson from your Nana. :)

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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