Just need to vent

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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Just need to vent
Posted: Jan 19, 2010 11:36 AM

This is a second wedding for me. My first one, which was 11 years ago, was planned and paid for by my parents. They were the hosts, and they got to decide things. I had absolutely no problem with that. However, this time, my fiance and I are making all the plans and paying for everything. My mom has helped me make some decorations, and has gone to the craft store with me, but that's about it.

As a courtesy, I gave her my invite list a couple of months ago, and asked if there was anyone she'd like to add. I already had most, if not all, of my relatives and family friends (including my parents' good friends) on the list. She mentioned a few people, and I said no problem. I asked her recently if she had a few addresses that I'm missing, and she said she could send me a list.

I looked at her list this morning. There's 73 names on the list. Seventy-three!! 30 of them were already on my list (she was just making sure I had the addresses). Maybe 5 of them were the ones she had talked to me about and I had said okay. Maybe 5 to 8 more were people that I hadn't planned to invite (now that I know she wants to invite them, I'll talk to my fiance about it and see what he thinks). The rest of them, I either haven't seen in a decade (like my parent's former neighbor), or I don't even know who they are. Seriously, there are at least 15 names on there that I literally have NO IDEA who they are. I honestly wondered if she sent me her Christmas card list instead of her wedding invite list.

What the heck?!? Our reception location can only hold about 80 people, and our original list pretty much fills that up. Besides, my fiance and I want a small-ish reception, and we would like to at least have met most of the people who will be there!

Just need to vent my frustration. Gah! I thought this was all understood already! This is not a celebration that my parents are throwing (and therefore could invite whoever they wanted, as in my first wedding) - my fiance and I are the hosts. We aren't inviting 30 people that we don't know!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Just need to vent
Posted: Jan 19, 2010 11:45 AM Go to message in response to: BibliophileMom

As a courtesy, I gave her my invite list a couple of months ago, and asked if there was anyone she'd like to add.

Well, your first mistake was opening that door!! Now, you'll have to close it. Be polite, but firm. "Mom, I guess there's been a misunderstanding. Our total limit is 80 people. I thought I might have forgotten one or two people. I cannot add all of the extra people on your list, and I will not invite anyone that I don't know well. We have _____ (#) open spots. Which (#) people would you most like to add from your list?" If she cannot choose or gives you a problem, I'd just stick with your original list.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Re: Just need to vent
Posted: Jan 19, 2010 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: myra

Well, your first mistake was opening that door!! Now, you'll have to close it. Be polite, but firm.

I know, I know! But when I originally asked her, I did specifically say "I want to see if there is anyone I forgot, or anyone that you really want invited. But fair warning, I do reserve the right to veto!" And I let her think about it for a couple of weeks, and then when we discussed it again, she gave me the 5 or so names, and I said okay. Since then, not a word has been said!

She's been very interested in all the planning (although, as I said, my fiance and I are paying for everything and making the decisions), so she knows exactly how many people we can invite. This is just unexpected!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Just need to vent
Posted: Jan 19, 2010 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: BibliophileMom

Dear Mom,

Yeah, you're just going to have to put your foot down. Still, it's good to vent. I feel your pain.

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Just need to vent
Posted: Jan 19, 2010 3:55 PM Go to message in response to: BibliophileMom

Okay I understand where the PPs are coming from by saying that you opened the door by asking your mom if there were any guests that she personally wanted to invite BUT I think that this is easy to recover from.
Just be upfront and honest with her, you and your FH want close family and friends at your wedding. You want to see faces that you have pleasant memories with. Just let mom know about how your feeling. If she doesn't want to cut her guests for your happiness, then explain that your venue can only fit a certain number of guests, there is a maximum capacity for every venue. I would hope that she would be understanding of you & FH's feelings though.

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