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Should I cancel the wedding?

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Rafaela Posts : 7 Registered: 1/4/10
Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 11:40 AM

My fiance and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. I'm in my early thirties and he in his mid-twenties. I have never been so close to anyone in my life, we're in a band together, have fun together, want similar things in life and have deep meaningful conversations. He's responsible, smart, affectionate and has a close relationship to his family. However, he and I have had blowout fights at least once a month in which I seriously consider leaving him. This has been going on since only 6 months into the relationship. He fight's unfair, can be insulting, sulks, gives the silent treatment and says things he later takes back, like "I don't care what the hell you do".

We've gone to premarital counseling. I thought it was really helpful but when we stopped after 3 months ,we went back to our old pattern of getting into huge fights, making up and thinking that we've progressed in our relationship and then returning to the same pattern. After the most recent fight about his parent's flaking on meeting my parents for the second time, I suggested that we go back to a counselor, however, he said that it didn't work the first time and that he wouldn't go. (perhaps this is just him saying another thing he didn't mean out of anger).

I'm scared to death of making the mistakes that my mother has, she's been married 3 times. I am seriously considering canceling the wedding that will take place in 6 months, however, I'm so afraid that I'm blowing our issues out of proportion and that I will lose everything that we've made together, our home etc.. I know I'm not perfect either ( I can have a temper sometimes) but if we keep this up, I'm afraid that we're going to end up hating one another.

Please help.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Sounds to me like you will always fight. He doesn't want to go back to counseling and apparently it didn't work the first time so what makes you think that it will work the 2nd or 3rd or even 4th time? Some couples fight and they are both ok with that and deal with it and live happy somehow (as long as there is no violence involved). But this seems to not be ok with you and if you're not happy then don't get married! It's better to cancel the wedding now then to go through a divorce.
                           
  

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connecticut , october_2010
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Rafaela Posts : 7 Registered: 1/4/10
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:10 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel


So you've never had any doubts?

connecticut , october_2010
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SpideyBridey Posts : 66 Registered: 5/17/09
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Trust your instincts. Since you've already been to counseling, I'm assuming he's aware of your doubts regarding marriage. If you want to go back and he's putting up a fight, that's something you should be concerned about. If he truly loves you, he will do whatever it takes to remove your doubts. Even if he doesn't believe it will work, he will do it anyway to make you happy. Hope it all works out for you..


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northern_new_jersey , connecticut , october_2010
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Problem-solving is such a huge part of marriage and if it's a struggle now, and since you have that established pattern of a blow-up once a month, things won't improve or change unless you're both working very hard on them. He's not even willing to go to counseling anymore and he continues to say things he doesn't mean without trying to prevent that from happening before things come out of his mouth, so that doesn't sound hopeful to me.

Few couples are going to be in agreement 100% on how to handle things in the relationship, so HOW you handle those things is really important. It sounds like you two are on the same page in a lot of areas, but that's a major area not to be on the same page about.

I've had doubts, but everyone's doubts and the importance they carry are different. One of my major doubts was that my DH smokes. I hate smoking and never thought I would've married a smoker. I still hope he will quit (very very soon, since we have a baby on the way). He plans to, but we'll see.

Some people just could never live with a smoker no matter how great the person is. I decided I would live with it because 1) he's never smoked indoors and never will as long as we're together. So it doesn't affect my life that much directly except that I hate it's probably shortening his and 2) we're really compatible in most other areas. I was in my mid-30s by the time I met him and had already dated plenty of people that in so many ways were a great package but we couldn't "fight fair" or solve problems well together. So I decided I could live with the smoking.

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march_2008 , southern_california
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Dear Rafaela,

There is such a thing as "sunk cost".

What is sunk cost? It's the money and time already invested in a project.

Let's say I have bought some land, paid cash, and am now thinking of building a house. Let's say that something has changed between the time I first bought the land and now. For example, the land has been in a forest fire and the trees are burned down. Or, the land was in New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina came through and flooded my land.

I am now faced with a decision of building a house. The house will be much more expensive than I first planned, because of higher fire or flood insurance, tightened building codes and/or drastic need for professional landscapting. The neighborhood has changed radically.

Some people might say "But I already have so much invested. I have to go forward."

That is the fallacy of sunk cost. The best decision-making is done ignoring the sunk cost. What will it cost me to move forward? What will the new house cost, in terms of fire/flood insurance, building codes, neighborhood improvement? Is the newly estimated house cost worth it to me?

Or, should I walk away? If I walk away, I lose the sunk cost, but I don't get deeper into what will eventually be a difficult, expensive money pit of a house.

Relationships are like that. Sometimes a person is in a bad relationship, one in which they have invested time and energy, but the cost of continuing is not attractive. Sometimes you just have to recognize the time and energy is already gone; it's a sunk cost.

Do you want to go the rest of your life resolving issues with big fights? Might it be better to cut things off and look around for a marriage-minded man who is willing to work on fair fights and keep knockdown-dragouts to a minimum? Forget the sunk cost. What is expected of you, in terms of time and energy, to keep this relationship afloat? Are you willing to pay that price?

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

I agree, as usual, with AOTB. Just sit down and tell yourself, right now, "This is the best it's ever going to be. This is the rest of my life." Then decide whether or not you wish to live this way. People do not change deep-seated personality traits. A little counseling is not going to make you two into different people. So, what's it going to be? A lifetime of blowout fights (probably more than once a month, once you two get married)? Or, moving on while you can and finding someone with whom you are more compatible? And, by the way, you might consider counseling for just yourself, not the relationship, so you can work on your temper and find ways to handle situations in a calmer manner.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Consider your relationship as it is right now, the good times and the bad. Overall, are you happy? If you are happy most of the time and think that all the good in your relationship outweighs the fighting, then chances are that you will feel the same way once you're married. If the fighting wears you out and breaks down your trust in him, you'll probably feel the same way once you're married and it will errode the relationship eventually.

It's hard to tell someone what will or will not damage their relationship, as we're all different. Some couples can have blowouts all the time, make up, and go about their days like normal. DH and I do not fight often, but we don't shy away from a big fight if we disagree on something really important. What are you fighting about: important things or trivial things? Does either of you hold a grudge, or do you both just have fiery tempers and blow up at one another, but then quickly forget the argument and move on?

Additionally, being married to someone requires compromise and learning to pick your battles. For example, I get very irritable when I'm hungry - to the point where I sometimes can't answer the question 'What do you want to eat?' DH used to get annoyed with me for being indecisive and whiney when I'm hungry, but now he knows that the easiest solution is simply to get me something to eat - and anything will do. He compromises by knowing how to deal with the situation and not letting it get to him - I compromise by trying not to let myself get to the point where I'm irritable-hungry. That's kind of a silly example, but the same concept can be followed for other situations (and honestly...most of the things that drive couples crazy about one another are the little, everyday things like that).

If you're fighting frequently about trivial things like that, you're normal...but you can work on interacting with one another better and knowing each other's triggers. If you're frequently fighting over big things, then perhaps you have more underlying issues or dissimilarities than you think you do.


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Rafaela Posts : 7 Registered: 1/4/10
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 1:10 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you for your advice. Yeah, I have an MBA, understand sunk costs, but someone never related that to my relationship. I've been trying to convince him that counseling is the only way it might work. He says that I'm betraying him and using the counseling as an exit. However, he refuses to discuss our issues in a healthy way.
Looks like average variable costs might be higher than the sunk cost, huh.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Dear Rafaela,

" Yeah, I have an MBA, understand sunk costs, but someone never related that to my relationship."

It's cold and heartless, but not a bad way to think rationally about a relationship.

"Looks like average variable costs might be higher than the sunk cost, huh."

Yeah. Not to mention a cost/benefit ratio. How much are you putting in? How much are you getting out?

(I vote for dumping him. But that's just me.)

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Rafaela Posts : 7 Registered: 1/4/10
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm getting out a lot from the relationship, he's very supportive. But when this happens, as it does every 3 to 4 weeks, it's pure hell, and he is a different person. And when he finally decides to work on it, I tend to be a push over. It's amazing how smart/strong women can be so weak sometimes and I'm ashamed of myself.
Again, thank you for your advice. I made a counseling appointment for myself for tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some more clarity.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

Good for you. Counselling for you is a great idea, and will help you organize your thoughts much better than anything we can say here.

(that being said: I'm going to add this)

There is a difference between premarital counselling in preparation of marriage and premarital counselling of the vein of couples counselling or marital counselling. That's trying to save a marriage. If I felt like the I needed relationship counselling during engagement, I think I might give a couple sessions, but if that didn't work, I'd probably count my losses. (Marital counselling is another story.)

Engagement is a time of trial. You've moved your relationship to the next level...but not taken that last step. You're testing the foundation and questioning everything. Is it strong enough to withstand the winds of Engagement? If not, the best thing for you is to end it.


Misty

september_2009
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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 3:30 PM Go to message in response to: Rafaela

It's amazing how smart/strong women can be so weak sometimes and I'm ashamed of myself.

So true! When you're in love (especially engaged) it's difficult to try and make sense of your emotions as well as what is right & what is wrong. You sound like an individual who has a lot of sense, so just take some time & re-evaluate what's best for you. I think it was a good idea to schedule a counseling session for yourself, without your FH. This will give you the opportunity to be completely open and honest with the counselor, who has probably seen situations worse than this, and he/she will be able to give you open & honest advice in return.
Goodluck & I hope that things workout for the better!

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lovey80 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

You know, I've noticed on message boards that every time someone makes a post like this, everyone always tells them they should leave their fiance. But, honestly, I think only you can make this decision. You've stayed with him for two and a half years so far and haven't left him. If it was like this for the rest of your life, could you take it both the good and the bad? Or would you rather just be single? If it were me, I would probably set up an appointment with a counselor and basically tell him that we are going. And then stick to your guns about the counselor. If he went the first time and it was better, he might come around this time as well. If you are still unsure, you could postpone the wedding rather than cancel it and then just try to work on your communication and relationship skills.

connecticut , october_2010
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Should I cancel the wedding?
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: lovey80

Of course only the OP can make that decision...but she did ask.

And quite a few of the people posting the "leave him" advice are married, at least one of them for a few decades. No one can be the final authority in any other person's relationship, but we do know whereof we speak.

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connecticut , october_2010 , march_2008 , southern_california
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