Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding

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MichelleRenee303 Posts : 8 Registered: 3/2/09
Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 3:49 AM

Okay. I'm new to this whole message board thing, but I'm desperate. My fiance and I were supposed to get married on May 1st, 2010. I had my dress, we had the resort booked in Jamaica, and the reception place booked. He was very enthusiastic and gun-hoe about everything.

Then the last few months things have been extremely stressful for both of us. There were financial problems, I didn't like the area I was living in or Nic's new job, and it was causing a lot of tension between us. We started arguing a LOT. I figured it was just a phase and we could work through it. I guess he didn't. He started to withdraw and after a few days of thinking about what to do, he told me that even though he didn't want to, he felt like he had no choice but to leave.

We broke our lease and both moved back home to our parents' houses. Basically I'm devastated. I feel like my whole world has been tipped upside down. He still tells me he loves me everyday and wants to be "exclusive" but doesn't want to make anything official. He says it's too soon (it's been 3 weeks) to jump right back in together. We still talk and hang out and sleep together. I'm so confused. I realize we're young (we're both 20) and I think he doesn't want to miss out on being a kid. I just don't get the whole one-foot-in-the-door thing. He's told me I need to do what I need to for myself, and I've been hanging out with a guy friend, but then he gets mad about it.

Has anyone gone through a broken off engagement? How did you make it through?! I had so many plans and it feels like everything's falling apart. I'm dreading May 1st. I'm dreading having to deal with breaking all the plans. I'm crushed and I feel like I'm not gonna get through this.

Help?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 9:29 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

Dear Michelle,

" He still tells me he loves me everyday and wants to be "exclusive" but doesn't want to make anything official. "

Whoa, hold the phone there.

He wants to be "exclusive" but not committed? You are ready to get married, but he isn't?

Let's cut right to the chase. He wants it both ways, as you said, one foot in the door one foot out.

This is not what you want. You want both feet in the door, or both feet out.

You do not have the option of both feet in the door. He moved out and, essentially, broke up with you. The other option is both his feet, plus the rest of his sorry body, out the door.

In other words, you are now single. You are available to meet other men. Marriage-minded, commitment-interested men. Nice men. Mature men. You are back on the market. If your ex-boyfriend is interested in you, he'll have to scramble to keep up with the competition.

"and I've been hanging out with a guy friend, but then he gets mad about it. "

(sarcasm) Oh, boo hoo. (/sarcasm) Tough for him. Hang out with your male friends all you want. You are single and free to associate with anyone in the world, as you are so inclined.

And, yes, I broke off a similar engagement. I was engaged to a guy who was a lot like your ex-boyfriend. He'd blow hot and cold. One day he loved me, the next day he was indifferent. Finally I had enough. I dumped him, and after dumping him I phoned up a nice guy I knew from college and told him I was officially single. That guy asked me out immediately. Three years later I married the new boyfriend. Thirty-three years later we are still married. Dumping the idiotic ex-boyfriend was the best thing I ever did.

". I'm dreading May 1st. "

Dread no more. Set yourself a goal that on May 1 you will be on a interesting date with an interesting man and won't think of ex-boyfriend all day.

PS Stop sleeping with him. You are not friends-with-benefits. There's a cost to having dumped you. One cost of having dumped a girlfriend is you don't get to have sex with her any more.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Drumroll please, I am in total agreement with AOTB. He is not your fiance, he is not your boyfriend, he is just a guy you know. Stop hanging out with him, stop having sex with him. If he really loved you as he says he would not have moved out.

He was running away from your problems instead of staying there to work things out with you. That is a sure sign of immaturity. It is selfish and self-centered. You deserve so much better. Ask yourself this do you want to spend your life raising someone else's grown kid?

This loser did you a big favor, trust me it will get better.

 

 

 

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Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

"I realize we're young (we're both 20) and I think he doesn't want to miss out on being a kid."

EXACTLY! You are so young girlfriend! This is hurtful, I know. In fact, the pain you are feeling probably feels more than you can stand. But the truth is, this is good. I know you can't see that now, and that's okay. Take some time to wallor in the sadness of your loss. And then pull yourself together and get back out there! And you need to be "a kid" too! You have life in the palm of your hand.

And AOTB is right, stop sleeping with him. Everytime you have sex with him, it's taking a little bit of your spirit away.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Hugs.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

OMG I might faint dead away - AOTB and KOW AGREE on something!! LOL

But seriously, OP - They are both correct. He wants his cake and eat it too - he's not ready for a commitment, but you're still sleeping with him. Who else is he sleeping with?

I suggest cutting off the sex and living your life. If he decides to come around down the road then you have a decision to make, but he's already made the decision for you for now.

 

 

 

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lovey80 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

This sounds so painful and terrible to go through but remind yourself. How would you have felt if this had happened a few months into marriage or a year in? It would have been soooo much more devastating. I know you love him deeply but he seems unready to get married and frankly, he doesn't seem mature enough. I wouldn't jump into dating other guys like the other people on this board seem to be doing. I'd recommend planning a nice weekend getaway with your girlfriends for that weekend and asking them to help distract you. At least you're young and you've got a lot of time ahead of you to find the truly right person. You don't have to feel like you made a mistake because he left you after you were married.

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InLoveWDRM Posts : 52 Registered: 12/3/09
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

what bothers me about this is why would he ask you to marry him if he wasnt ready? so many people get caught up in how romantic it is to not realize its a relationship that needs constant work and commitment. first off you are making yourself too avaliable to him if you are always hanging out and sleeping together why would he want to get married? He has exactly what he wants. He needs to see that you can live without him and you do NOT have to always be there when he wants you to be. He is obviously not mature enough for you or the relationship. Dont sell yourself short you know what you want and if he isnt the one then he isnt. dont just stay for convienience. You are really pretty and seem like you know what you want.

Good luck hun !

 Future Mrs. McMahan as of December 24,2009 !

                       Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ  I SAID YES =) Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 4:54 PM Go to message in response to: InLoveWDRM

Dear Ilove,

"what bothers me about this is why would he ask you to marry him if he wasnt ready?"

That happens all the time. People get engaged because it's the "thing to do", without really thinking about the reality of actual legal marriage.

I know lots of people like that. I call them the Perpetually Engaged. They go months, years, decades referring to each other as "fiancé or fiancée" but never actually get married.

I know one woman "engaged" to a man in his 50s. "I just have to be patient until he's ready to get married."

I really have to bite my tongue. Ladies, you might imagine how hard that might be for me.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 2, 2010 7:55 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

Wait let me get this straight. You said you two still sleep together? Sounds to me like he just wants to get in your pants and doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you. He sounds very young and immature and you seem to be ready for a serious man. I say move on with your life. This guy just wants to fool around and have fun, not be tied down.
                           
  

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May2011beach Posts : 21 Registered: 12/30/09
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I know that you have gotten a lot of responses but i wanted to give you another out look! I got engaged very young and thought i was going to marry this guy! I was working two jobs just to pay for everything for us. My ex went out and cheated on me. I was upset at the time, obviously! But it was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I am now engaged to the man of my dreams and makes me the happiest girl in the world!!! You will get through it, i promise and there will be someone amazing out there for you!!!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 4, 2010 12:22 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

Alright Sweety, I want to chime in on this. I will admit I am not much older than you (24) but when I was 20, I had just gotten out of your situation. My high school sweetheart and I lived with my parents when he moved from his home state to be with me. Everything was great, I was finishing Highschool, working, and taking college classes. I was so excited to be in a real relationship where we both dreamed of being married to eachother. I however hated the fact we lived with my parents, and made sure he was working on getting us a place to live together when I graduated. He bounced around from job to job, saying he was just trying to find something he liked, and would stay at for a while. I let it slide for a while. Then we started fighting, a lot, and he was blowing whatever money he got mainly from his mom, on ciggerettes, and video games. I was angry that caused us to fight more. We eventually broke up after I graduated because things were not going they way I had imagined, I told him I couln't do it any more, it wasn't fiar to me for him to be stringing me along. I wanted a man, he told me he would change, and tried getting me not to break up with him. I told him he had to prove it to me. I caved, got weak, and missed him terribly, he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me he was having fun being young, but we could still be together. I took what I could get, and he eventually started treating me like his gf, and straitning up, he had a job, he loved it, he was talking seriously about us again. But at the same time he kept telling me he wasn't ready, and we wern't really together, we were just friends, but were seeing where it would lead. I evenatually got tired of waiting for him to come around, so I started dating other guys. I finally realized he was never going to grow up, and he was "getting his milk for free" I had to drop him. It hurt so bad, but at the same time it was the best thing. I had a few girlfriends who kept my mind off of him, i started meeting new guys, and dating, I eventually met my DH and I couldn't be happier! I suggest drop the guy, get on with your life, enjoy being 20, it goes fast. You will meet the guy you are supposed to be with when the time is right, don't rush it and don't stress it, if your heart tells you something isn't right, leave.

Good luck!!


 

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HamzicBride Posts : 178 Registered: 12/28/09
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 25, 2010 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Waw, that's brutal. I honestly don't what to tell you other than I can only imagine how rough things have got to be. I think you arevery fortunate in that, this happened NOW vs once you were both married. Not easy nonetheless but way better off.

Some really good advice given by other posters. Again I'm useless, hope you feel better kiddo.

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mainstdancer08 Posts : 140 Registered: 3/27/08
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Jan 29, 2010 5:18 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

I say have nothing to do with the guy. It sounds to me, like it does to the previous posters on here, that all he wants from you is sex. That is NOT love, it is lust.

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wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: Fiance moved out 5 months before the wedding
Posted: Sep 24, 2012 11:04 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleRenee303

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