Move in with BF without a ring??

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BeautifulButter... Posts : 1 Registered: 6/28/09
Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 15, 2009 5:03 PM

My BF and I have been talking lately about having me and my DD move in with him. However, we're not engaged yet, and I always felt like being engaged prior to moving in would make me feel more comfortable with the situation. On the other hand, I feel like maybe I'm being a bit silly about that since I've already been through one divorce, and maybe that divorce should have proved to me that engagement & marriage don't automatically ensure that the relationship is going to last. My bf agrees with me that moving in together would be like a prelude to getting engaged and then getting married. However, it seems like if he was really so sure about that, wouldn't he agree to propose to me at some point PRIOR to my DD and I moving in with him?

What do you guys think? Would you feel comfortable moving in with your BF prior to him actually proposing to you? Any thoughts on all of this would be much appreciated. We've been together for 2 years if that makes any difference...

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 15, 2009 5:56 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I dont know what a DD is (your daughter?), so knowing that information would help me tons in better answering this question. Im assuming if it IS your daughter, than its not HIS daughter. Going on that assumption, Im going to tell you that this is not a question you can have answered for you by other people. It is really something only YOU can decide. It all depends on what you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable moving in with someone without definate plans to marry, then you need to tell him that and come up with a timeline or plan for how this will all play out. My now husband of 3years and I had a similar situation years ago. He was living in Florida, me in NJ, and we had a long distance relationship for years before he decided to move here to be with me. One night, we had a long talk about this mutual decision, and I just basically told him, "Listen, I have never lived with a guy before, because I dont believe in moving in with someone unless Im going to marry them. So I just want to make sure we are on the same page and make sure that is what you want as well. " He said "Of course. Im not about to pack up my life and leave it behind unless Im planning on being with you forever." So he moved in, and 6months later, proposed. I was fine with that, because I knew that was where we were headed in the relationship. So, you need to talk about this with your BF, and figure out where hes at , where youre at, and if youre comfortable with it. Then make a decision from there. Only you can know what you are comfortable with.

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 15, 2009 7:14 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I really don't see anything wrong with living with someone before getting engaged, and I do think it's a good idea to live together atleast before marriage. But (if DD does mean daughter), I think it totally changes things. When someone is a single parent, I don't think that different men (or women for guys) should be brought in and out of the childs life. I'm not preaching, just saying what I feel and what I would do if I was in the situation. I don't think that a new boyfriend/girlfriend should be introduced to the child until the parent knows that the relationship is serious and is definitly going somewhere. Someone that the parent just went on a few dates with though, definitly not! My main reason behind this is it can confuse the child, and when that person is no longer there it's going to be hard on the child if they were close. So if I had a child I wouldn't move in with a guy unless there was a ring on my finger. I would want to provide as stable of a home as possible for my child, and I know that married couples can still get divorced, but if your willing to marry the person it's probably going to take more to leave that person then if they were just a significant other.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 15, 2009 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

How old is your daughter?

I'm with MrsLeo. If you were single, I'd say do whatever you want, but since a child is involved, you have to put the child's interests first. You should NOT move in together (therefore making him an every bigger part of your child's life) until he is ready to commit to BOTH of you forever.

That doesn't mean that he has to have a ring, or have made some big grand official proposal. But an approximate timeline as to when the two of you might end up married (or, if you don't believe in marriage, a promise that this is forever) would be the best idea.
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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 17, 2009 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

You definitely have to think of how moving in together would effect your 'DD', since it's not just about you & your boyfriend anymore. Personally, my experience was that my boyfriend and I dated for alittle over 2 years then moved in together. We've lived together for about 14 months now & marriage is a very common subject for us to discuss these days. I'm glad that we moved in together before getting engaged because I don't like having roommates. I wasn't sure how it'd feel to actually live with him... roommate or live-in boyfriend. I had to experience this before getting engaged. We've both learned so much about one another these last 14 months, more than we learned after 24 months of dating while living seperately.
Hope my experience helped give you an idea of how things could possibly workout for you. Goodluck!

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 19, 2009 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I am probably old school but personally for me, I wouldnt do it. I know everyone's relationship is different but I have seen many friends move in w/ their bf's only to still be waitin for that ring years later. I know lots of girls who have the live-in bf and treat him like a husband, do all these things for him, and it seems like the guys get comfortable and thats it. No ring. I realize I sound like I am living in the 1940's but I always was a very independent woman. But once I saw a few friends go through this it kinda changed my mind about the whole thing.

Like I said every situation is different, but I would defintly think about how close you are to getting engaged before you move in together. And if there is a daughter involved, I am not sure it's the best idea.

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JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 20, 2009 11:22 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I would go for it, personally. But like others have mentioned, only you can judge the situation.

I had been dating my boyfriend for only about 7 months before he asked me to move in. Just after our two year anniversary, he proposed. I couldn't be happier or more convinced that he is perfect for me.. and moving in with him was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

On the flip side, I also lived with my ex... and after living together for a few months, I ran in the opposite direction. You REALLY get to know each other when you live together. It's either going to be good, or really really bad. And I think the sooner you know that, the better.

I feel it's wiser to move in before the engagement. If you wait until after, things become much more complicated. Likely, you will have already set a date, told family, and started planning before you really know how cohabitation will work out. If you live together for a few months and then realize it's completely wrong, there's a good chance you will have lost money and valuable time planning for the wedding. Or worse, you feel pressured into marrying the wrong person and try to overlook the problems- simply because you feel too invested.

That said, you don't want to be stuck waiting forever either. A few of my friends have been in that situation... where they have lived with a guy for 3+ years without a ring, but don't want to leave him because, well, that's 3 years invested.
Let him know that while you are open to living together before getting engaged, you will not wait around indefinitely.
It's not an ultimatum. You're just saying that you want something completely reasonable.... and if he doesn't provide that in x amount of time, you're outtie.

Best of luck!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 21, 2009 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

If you didn't have a daughter, I'd tell you to go ahead and move in - but as others have mentioned, this isn't just about you and your BF. I would be hesitant to introduce a boyfriend into a child's life if I wasn't sure that the relationship was going somewhere. How old is your daughter? What is her current relationship with your boyfriend? What is her relationship with her father like? If she doesn't have a relationship with him, what are her feelings on that? If she views your BF as a 'replacement daddy,' then I wouldn't move in until he was willing to make a more firm commitment to both of you.

Personally, I think every couple should live together before getting married - but when kids are involved, you need to tread lightly. Your daughter could end up confused or hurt if you were to break up with your BF. In your case, I wouldn't risk it. As for your question on whether I'd be comfortable moving in with someone before I was engaged, I would be and did - but I don't have kids. That would make a difference to me.

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Renee86 Posts : 159 Registered: 5/30/08
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 23, 2009 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

If you aren't comfortable with it(which it doesn't seem that you are),
don't do it. If he feels that you have to live together before being
engaged, don't do it. That's jmo. BUT only you can make the decision.
If you aren't ready(again, doesn't seem that you are) then do not let someone
else's opinion have an effect on your decision. :)

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lesasue86 Posts : 75 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Oct 28, 2009 4:47 AM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

This is something for you to decide girl, you know him better. If he really seems to be interested in you being around him always and if you think you can trust him then you should move with him. If he is loving and caring towards you and DD then one day he might actually propose you. And its better to know what his future plans are and accordingly take decision.
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yaktrekker Posts : 9 Registered: 8/28/08
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 10:47 AM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I don't know what all of your circumstances are, but I moved in with my BF a year ago (after dating for a year and a half) and there is still no ring or proposal in sight. I thought it was the right thing for us, but the truth is, the magic has dwindled sooner than I had hoped.

I thought it would be great: we'd be together all the time, I wouldn't have to pay rent, and I would be living the suburban house-wife dream I'd always wanted. But the problem is, I'm still not a wife and I'm not sure if he'll ever really be motivated to change anything or "move forward" since he's already got me and is living comfortably just the way things are now. He keeps saying that the "right time will come" and that "You'll have your ring, you'll have your wedding" but the more time that passes, the less confident I am that there's even any point in wanting those things from him anymore. And even if I wanted to end it and move on with my life (which I don't, I do still love him, just frustrated), I've been so used to living here and not paying rent that it would take quite some time to reorganize my finances and save up enough to do so. Anyway, I hate to say it, but my parents (and church) were right, living together before there is a solid commitment can have serious downsides and cause discontentment after the warm fuzzy glow wears off.

My only advice to you is that if marriage is still important to you and you want to make sure this guy is going to be there for you and your daughter, don't move in until there is a ring and a wedding date. Good luck.

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wishinghopingpr... Posts : 13 Registered: 12/17/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I did it this time around and if I had to do it over again, I would have waited for the ring. You can still break off the engagement if the whole living together thing does not work out. And if you wait for a ring he's less likely to string you along (we'll get married someday) after moving in together. This is just based on my own experience.

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Leli Posts : 89 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 2:14 AM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

I did it this time around and if I had to do it over again, I would
have waited for the ring. You can still break off the engagement if the
whole living together thing does not work out. And if you wait for a
ring he's less likely to string you along (we'll get married
someday) after moving in together. This is just based on my own experience.

This logic didn't really seem to make sense to me. If you can so easily break off an engagement if the whole living together thing doesn't work out, why would waiting to become engaged prior to moving in make a difference? Those two sentences just seem to contradict each other.

I agree with previous posters that suggested that you talk to him about it. If you're both on the same page about where the relationship is headed, as well as in terms of a timeline for that, it really shouldn't matter when the proposal happens so long as it eventually happens.

 

 

 


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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 8:35 AM Go to message in response to: Leli

First off, this thread is MONTHS old, so I'm sure the OP isn't looking for advice anymore.

Secondly, to the people who have said that you should not move in before getting engaged so that he doesn't 'string you along,' why on earth do you want to marry someone that would string you along, regardless of your living situation? Any man who needs the incentive of NOT having a live-in girlfriend to get engaged doesn't seem like marriage material to me.

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Srramlal Posts : 15 Registered: 1/17/09
Re: Move in with BF without a ring??
Posted: Dec 26, 2009 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: BeautifulButter...

I'm one of those- we moved in together five years ago and it stalled out the process of marital plans. If I could do it over again, I would've waited until engagemant and then moved in together.

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