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Scared about picking a ring..

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tinfoilxtouch Posts : 4 Registered: 12/25/09

Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 10:20 AM; Hello all. I'm here because I really want some honest female prospective. All of my friends and all of her friends are obviously biased.

We're both just turned 24, live together, and are madly in love. My family loves her, her family (distance) is yet to meet me face to face, but likes me from what they know. We both agree that we want to be married right now, but she wants a real ceremony. I'd be happy just having a dignified wedding in Vegas so I could call her my wife sooner, but I want to give her what she really wants.

My question is about the ring. When we first moved in together, I bought each of us promise rings. Nothing too expensive- a heart-shaped white gold and diamond ring for about $300 for her and a titanium band for myself, which I wear just like a wedding band at all times.

Now, I work in an industry involving sales and commission that is very up and down. I've been there for almost eight years, so I know it'll pick up sooner or later, but right now things are tight. She is just finishing her degree and I'm supporting both of us. As such, I have a shoestring budget of probably $600-$1000 for her engagement ring at this very moment. I could spend as much as $2000, but that would put us in a tight spot if anything came up. With the budget I'd like (she wants some sort of side accents) I can only find .25 center stones or slightly larger, plus the weight of the accents. I feel like that's just cheating her. Even worse for contrast, she knows I wear a few $2000 watches I purchased back when I was single and the market was good.

She deserves the very best- I wish I could get her a 1ct Tiffany ring. If I waited six months, things might be on the uptick and I could even do that.But, we're both eager to at least be official so that we can start planning arrangements, and just so we can tell people we're not simply "living together" anymore. Would it be an insult to offer my dream girl such a small ring? She doesn't come from an affluent background where a huge ring is expected- but I feel like her friends are going to judge if that's all she gets for now.

So, should I hold off until I can do better? Propose now with what I can? Maybe even propose without a ring and save money for a few months until we can pick out a nicer one?

august_2010 , california

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 10:50 AM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; Does she want a diamond? I didn't. So I'm just asking. How important is the ring to her?

I think being fiscally responsible is more important than the ring. So, either waiting to propose or a 'lesser' ring (which by the way, a LOT of us wear rings that are less than $1000 - I think my 2 rings are less than $1000 total - and I'm NOT replacing them) is the way to go.

You have some decisions, you are both young too, so you have time. I don't think that any of us can tell you what to do as it really depends on the dynamic of your relationship.

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yaktrekker Posts : 9 Registered: 8/28/08

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:00 AM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; If it were me, and it's not, but if it were, I'd say propose now and promise her the ring of her dreams later. That way you can both feel good about the level of commitment for now and you can both feel good about the piece of jewelry she's going to wear for the rest of her life. Good luck!

october_2011 , august_2010 , illinois_chicago , california

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: yaktrekker; I also wanted to say, that personally, the ring should be an expression of your love and just because it's not HUGE should not be an issue. Again, my opinion. But that's how I feel.

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tinfoilxtouch Posts : 4 Registered: 12/25/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl; Thanks for the input so far everyone. I really appreciate it.

For the one question that was asked, she has said she'd like a diamond ring with some side accents, so it's not just a solitaire. However, she certainly isn't high maintenance or expectant of anything expensive, ever. I bought her a Tiffany bracelet and a small ring (total was probably just about $350) for Christmas and she was almost insistent that I should never have spent so much on her. I guess I'm used to Orange County girls here where I grew up, and she's from back in the midwest. I think personal values are a lot more in line back there.

Anyway... I think that knowing her, and the fact that she isn't really materialistic, I might very well just spend the most I can without it being an issue, and try to find the nicest ring I can for that <$1000 range. The main thing is that I still feel guilty for having a watch collection, almost as though I should sell one for this purpose (although I'd only get half of retail anyway), but life was different at the time for me. Supporting both of us and having the economy take this turn has changed my lifestyle from free-spender to careful budgeter. I don't worry she wan't think the ring is good enough, I just don't want her to think I skimped on it just because I was being cheap...

Edited by: tinfoilxtouch on Dec 25, 2009 11:26 AM

august_2010 , california

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GadFlyGirl Posts : 2 Registered: 12/9/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:46 AM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; Hey tinfoil, first of all I want to say that it sounds like you're putting a lot of thought and care into this purchase. Also, thanks for the kind words about us midwestern girls, though unfortunately materialistic and shallow people can be found everywhere. :p

If she has the attitudes about spending and expensive gifts that you describe, then I'm sure she won't think you "skimped" at all. If her heart is not set on a large carat size or a certain price, then she will probably be happy with the nicest ring you can buy her without breaking the bank or going into debt. It sounds like having a nice wedding is a bigger priority for her, not to mention saving for your future together, and she might even be disappointed if she thought you had spent extra money on a diamond that might have gone towards the wedding or honeymoon. I'm sure she will also understand that the watches are a product of past times with past priorities, though if they bother you so much there is also the option of selling some, as you said, and using the money to finance the ring purchase.

It sounds like you're intent on surprising her, but have you considered going ring-shopping with her? That way she can point you towards some styles she likes for sure. Then you can hang on to the ring and surprise her with a big romantic proposal, if that's your and her style.

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tinfoilxtouch Posts : 4 Registered: 12/25/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 26, 2009 7:02 AM Go to message in response to: GadFlyGirl; Gadflygirl,

I am starting to become more and more certain that the right thing to do is purchause the ring that makes sense now, leaving things like the honeymoon and future with some room.

As for picking out what she wants/expects, I am a bit lucky there. Her close friend, who I also know, is getting engaged soon. She agreed to take my girlfriend out ring shopping to get feedback on what she likes and report back. We'll see what she says.

august_2010 , california

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katethejunebride Posts : 1 Registered: 12/29/08

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 26, 2009 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; Is it a stupid question to ask why you don't sell one or two of those expensive watches to help pay for the ring?

maine , june_2010

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Srramlal Posts : 15 Registered: 1/17/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 26, 2009 10:51 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; Just another suggestion...

She might not compare her ring to the watches. My boyfriend has been planning to buy a ring for me in the past year, but has made some other large purchases for himself. I do not see this as a conflict of interest. I don't want an expensive ring and I am glad to see him buy things that he will get a lot of use and enjoyment from. I am happy for him and I know he wants to see me happy as well. There may not be an issue for her. But you could buy the ring and if she does seem hurt, then offer to sell one of the watches to put the money towards providing her with the wedding that will, as you put it, "make her happy". Then you could stay in your budget with the ring, provide the desired wedding and the watches could fall into place wherever their place ends up being-wether that ends up being in the personal enjoyment of them or wether it's towards a nice wedding. Maybe she likes your watches. Maybe this comes to mind since it's Christmas season. But remember the story of the poor couple who the fellow sold his pocketwatch to buy her hair combs and she sold her hair to buy him a watch chain?

august_2010 , california

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Srramlal Posts : 15 Registered: 1/17/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 26, 2009 10:55 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; At any rate, I just wanted to say- your thoughtfulness towards her feelings and future happiness together is admirable!

august_2010 , california

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annarebeccal Posts : 70 Registered: 7/21/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 27, 2009 2:16 AM Go to message in response to: Srramlal; me and my FH are not well off right now and i'm pretty cheap (my dress was only $200) So i insisted he not spend much. i love my ring and it was way cheap but still real gold and diamonds. i figure when we're old and rich we'll look at my ring and remember how life was! but if she really wants something nicer maybe you can sell one or two of the $2000 watches and use the money on her ring.

october_2010 , august_2010 , utah , california

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annarebeccal Posts : 70 Registered: 7/21/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 27, 2009 2:18 AM Go to message in response to: annarebeccal; oh and by the way, this is my ring. it was only $150 through zales.com we found it in the promise rings

october_2010 , august_2010 , utah , california

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 27, 2009 5:50 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; The cost of the ring doesn't matter to me but I know several of my friends who have already set the standard of two- three months salary on their future engagement rings (they have yet to be engaged by the way). Your girl sounds like a level-headed individual who is appreciative of what she has & doesn't focus on what she doesn't have. I don't think you should worry about spending so much money on the e-ring. You can find something that she will love for less than $1,000.00. Anna's e-ring (pictured above) is absolutely beautiful, and costs less than what you were thinking of spending.
Go ahead and buy your girl an e-ring if you want to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you. It sounds like she is ready & would love a proposal of any kind. Let us know how everything turns out! Goodluck =)

august_2010 , california

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 27, 2009 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; Don't be afraid about picking out a ring, and don't worry that it might not cost a gazillion dollars. It will show her that you are mature and love her enough to think about both of your financial securities if you don't overspend on a ring. Just because a ring is less than $1,000 doesn't mean it's not beautiful, it doens' t mean she won't love it, and it will be just as special. So don't sweat it - just do what feels comfortable and feels right to you.

And anyway - you can always upgrade later ;-)

Here's the ring my FH and I picked out - it was $700 and since he bought it during all the holiday sales (which should still be going on until the New Year, I would think...) it actually only ended up being about $400. A price we were both very comfortable with and I still think its gorgeous, and I get compliments on it all the time.

august_2010 , california , central_pennsylvania

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Leli Posts : 89 Registered: 1/12/09

Re: Scared about picking a ring..: Posted: Dec 27, 2009 10:18 PM Go to message in response to: tinfoilxtouch; This might not be a popular option, but have you considered craigslist? You can find some pretty great rings on there for a good price. Just make sure you agree to meet them at a jewelers so they can test to make sure you're getting what you're paying for. Most big jewelers have testers that can distinguish between a diamond and moissanite too, if that's a concern. I've sold a diamond ring that I bought at Zales for about $500 for $200 on craigslist. I see estate sale listings on my local craigslist all the time.

"Though the world will tell you it's not smart
Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after"
- Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

august_2010 , california