outcomes of "cold feet"

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 3:24 PM

I wrote a few weeks ago the my fiance broke off our engagment out of the blue (we are in our mid 30s). We had been very happy and looking forward to our life together. He was super happy when I ordered my dress everything was great. He told me he "feels differently" and doesn't know why. He says he loves me, wants it to work and has gone to 2 counseling sessions. My question is...how often do couples work though these cold feet issues? I am praying the counseling helps and it makes us stronger. I am just devistated, esp with the holidays approaching and trying to hold on to a thread of hope and need advice. To make a bad situation worse I have a 5 yr old son who just adores him and now he is wondering where he went. I told my FH in the beginning if your not interested in being with a single mom then Im not the one. We both went into this relationship wanting the same things...marriage and family.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I am so sorry you are going through this and am glad you wrote to us for support. I think your answer will come to you through counseling. I am glad you are going, because it will help you get to the bottom of the real issues. The most important thing you both can do is to be 100% honest during the counseling session.

If you are in counseling, then I would say there is hope. However, it isn't going to be easy and he has to really be willing to work on the issues. I would not be in any hurry to get married at this point. Afterall, what is worth having is worth waiting for. Take your time and trust your instinct.

Many hugs,

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sa,

What I think you are looking for is some kind of reassurance that if a guy has cold feet, and he goes into counseling, he is "70%" likely to go through with the wedding.

Sorry, but no one can tell you that. The only thing that matters is what your boyfriend says and thinks, not what 70% of men in similar situations think.

I strongly urge you to set some kind of time limit on how long you will wait for him to change his mind and committ wholeheartedly to the marriage. I know people who have gone months, years, decades waiting for their SO to be "ready" for a marriage.

My suggestion to you is to set some kind of private, mental deadline known only to you. Let's say it's mid-year 2010. You go to counseling with him, work with him, be patient with him, but if July 2010 comes around and he's still waffleing, then CUT YOUR LOSSES, dump him and start hanging around people who might be able to introduce you to nice, marriage-minded men.

Don't tell him the deadline as some sort of ultimatum. Keep it to yourself.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 10:02 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I agree with AOTB that there simply aren't any guarantees and you need to decide how long you're willing to wait for him to be ready. The fact that he's willing to go through counseling and try to make the relationship work is certainly a positive thing, but there's no guarantee that he'll ever be ready or that you're really right for one another.

Personally, I think the answer to your question probably has to do with whether his issue is truly 'cold feet', or something larger. I didn't read your other post, so I don't know the details - but from what you've said here, it sounds like he's questioning the relationship itself rather than simply being nervous. How long have you been together and how long were you engaged? When was the wedding supposed to be? You said that he just randomly 'feels differently' - do you feel like you/he has made any progress in identifying the reason for this change of feelings in your counseling sessions?

I'm sorry that your son misses him - that must be very hard on both of you. Just keep reassuring your son that your ex-FH still loves him and that he did not do anything wrong. Then I would give the ex a piece of my mind. It's one thing to be unsure and hurt a fellow adult, but it's unacceptable to toy with a kid's emotions. He needs to make a decision and stick to it - or you need to make the decision to remove him from your life for your son's sake. This uncertainty isn't good for the little guy.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

From my years of experience (I'm old!), professional training (Masters in Counseling) and personal life (wife of a psychiatrist), I say, Dump Him. The person that you marry should not have doubts (call it "cold feet" or whatever). You're not dealing with a 20 year old. If he doesn't know his own mind at this point, what makes you think that some "counseling" is going to make him change his mind? He "feels different," but doesn't know why? Let's say he figures out "why" after a few counseling sessions, agrees to marry you, and then "feel different" again? Uh, uh. red flags are flying. I know several young women whose engagements ended in similar circumstances. They then found Mr. Right and, guess what, no doubts. The right guy can't wait to be married to you.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 8:31 PM Go to message in response to: myra

You make a very good point Myra.. and you are NOT old! But you are right, all women deserve to be with a guy who can't wait to marry them.... who knows she is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with! I think some people do get cold feet (I did my second marriage) but there is a big difference between cold feet and just not wanting to get married. Excellent advice.


And remember... life begins at 40!


Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 9:24 AM Go to message in response to: myra

Myra, you're too cool to be old. ;)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thanks, you two. Age may be just a number, but my number keeps getting higher!!
M

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 24, 2009 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I thought posting on here would help me deal with my out of the blue broken engagement, but instead I feel more lonely. I think people these are easy to give up and loose hope. Hope is all I have right now, esp during the holidays when it can be depressing being away from family/friends. Then to top it off loosing my fiancee for no reason makes it very hard to handle.

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coleapril87 Posts : 24 Registered: 11/11/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 24, 2009 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Don't feel blue. If it wasn't for my fiance I'd be spending Christmas alone. I know how you feel and I do agree hope is something we all need, but don't get so caught up in hoping your fiance will come around that you forget to live your life and do whats best for you. If you really think about it, wouldn't you rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be with you? I would rather be alone. I know its hard but maybe this holiday will help both of you decide what is best for each of you. I wish you luck I know its hard but no matter what, do whats best for you.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:07 AM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I can understand why all this would have you feeling a little blue. Try to remember that Christmas is about hope. And hope is a very good thing. Hugs.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I hope that you have a support system (friends, family, church) to help you through this very difficult time. And, yes, the holidays are especially difficult when you're going through an emotional trauma. It also would help a lot for you to get a counselor just for you. Not someone who also is seeing your ex or trying to put you two back together; instead, someone who's all about you and helping you to see your way clear to making the best choices possible for yourself. We're here on this board to help, but we're long distance and you need someone closer to home.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Thats the thing...I am a single mom with no family here and few friends b/c I don't have the time being a single mom. We were happy together and for my life to be turned upside down all of the sudden id devistating. I can't bear feeling this.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:13 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I know that this is beyond difficult. But is dwelling on it helping? Are you like this with your child?

If not, then do whatever I guess. But maybe finding your own way would benefit you more in the long run. Hard to do with the Holidays - trust me, I do know and I won't expound as I dont'' think it will help, but I hope you are at least trying for your child.

 

 

 

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 26, 2009 4:46 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Yes, of coarse I am trying for my child. My child is my world, but that doesn't make this any easier. When you saw your future with that special someone, were happily engaged then one day it is taken right out from under you without any sign...thats hard to handle b/c first your in shock, then you go over it in your head over and over wondering if you did something wrong. My apologies for looking for some kindness and understanding right now.

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