outcomes of "cold feet"

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 26, 2009 8:04 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I was just asking the question - not trying to be rude and too bad if you took it that way.

I get that it's hard - you're not the only one dealing with loss, death, etc. Lord knows I'm happy my father has made it through another holiday season alive - my brother too.

But again, maybe dwelling on it isn't helping - but I know that the holiday seasons make it worse so I hope things improve. But I also know that with depression - you will constantly think well it will be better once this passes, ok that's gone, but it will be better once this passes.

So that is something to keep in mind as well. I think that counseling would be a really great idea.

 

 

 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 26, 2009 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

I think what you are going through is normal and understandable. When I found out my first husband was unfaithful, I was devestated. My whole world collapsed, and I had no idea what to do. I cried. I lost weight. I had panic attacks. I did this for several weeks, and then I got my butt in gear and left him. It was hard. It was painful. We had been married for over 20 years. I lost everything. I moved to a new town and started over with nothing. And it has been hard. But you have to reach down inside yourself and find the strength to get through it. I think that is what these ladies are trying to say.

Life does go on. And things happen for a reason. I am happier now then I have ever been.

Myra is totally right about counseling. It is the best gift you could give to yourself. Now is time to take care of you.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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dickerson2be Posts : 19 Registered: 12/8/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Dec 27, 2009 1:54 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I agree that you need to take some time for yourself. Counseling will help you through what you are feeling now. I know it has to be hard, but you need to be a strong role model for your child. While the exFH is taking time for him to figure things out, you need to do the same for you. Maybe if you two decide to try and work things out, don't focus right away on getting married. You might consider pushing it back. However, I would not push it back more than 6-9 months. Also, maybe he wants a smaller wedding and what you were planning is overwhelming him.

I am glad you two are keeping the lines of communication open, that is a great first step. Get to the bottom of why he isn't ready, and don't settle for he just isn't ready. He might have things he wants to accomplish before taking that trip down the aisle and realized he hasn't done them. Maybe he doesn't feel financially able to provide in these tough economic times. Now is the time to be completely honest with each other. It might hurt, but if you know the truth now it could save you more heartache down the road. Good luck and keep us posted!

Lindsey

The future Mrs. Dickerson

 

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lovey80 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/2/10
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I think you should continue to go to counseling with him since he is willing. I don't agree with these other posters about breaking it off. If everyone broke off their marriage that quickly, there'd be plenty of divorces. When you're this far in, I'd say keep trying to work on it as long as you are both willing.

What reasons has he given you for getting cold feet or not wanting to be married anymore?

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: lovey80

Thank you for your support! I agree...if people give up so easily, then no wonder the divorce rate is so high. It has now been 5 wks and I don't know what to think. He has gone to 3 counseling sessions thus far. I want to go with him, but for now he wants to go solo. He has been unhappy with himself/his life (his job is not satisfying, long hrs, wants to be in better shape,ect) and the counselor thinks he feels he does not desrve happiness with me b/c he is so unhappy within himself. We had a fantastic relationship. One month prior to the breakup we had some "real life situations" occur. I had a miscarriage and he got audited by IRS. These are things he has never had to deal with and I think do to already being unhappy, this added to it and overwhlmed him. In stead of dealing with it, he kept it all in to fester. So when he came to me that awful day to say he "feels differently"...I think it isn't really me he feels differently about,but differently about situations he has never experienced and didn't deal with.
I know he feels overwhelmed after counseling, me sending him info on this stuff (trying to help) and advice from others, plus dealing with IRS stuff now. I have been miserable, yet patient trying to give him time and space to get clarity. But, now I am ata loss of what to do. I am wanting some answers and he promised to address all of this after his last counseling session. It has been a week a I have not heard anything. Our anniversary was on the 12/31 and I didn't hear anything from him. He knows how upset I am and how I am waiting for some answers,yet nothing. So now I am getting a little P.O. b/c I feel he knows how I am feeling, yet isn't trying to help me get through this and not respecting my feelings when I have been there for him. I have constant reminders of him at my house (things we bought together, our dog, his stuff in garage ect), he lives with two single guys and it is free of reminders of me.
I am just devistated by this and trying to do things to not think about it, but I am having a very hard time. The one thing I have always wanted in life was to be happily married and have a family. Now I feel my dreams have been crushed. I do have a 5 yr old son ( I was never married to his father) and I am very lucky to have such a wonderful son. My son and he were great together and this confuses him. I am 36 and I don't have all the time in the world if I want another child.
Basically I went to bed one night with all I could want and woke up to it being taken away with no answers as to why.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 6:09 PM Go to message in response to: lovey80

Dear Lovey,

" If everyone broke off their marriage that quickly, there'd be plenty of divorces. When you're this far in, I'd say keep trying to work on it as long as you are both willing. "

That is the fallacy of seeing an engagement in the same light as a marriage. Engagement and marriage are two different commitments.

Engagements can be broken if one or the other "just doesn't feel like it". If a person is lukewarm towards the relationship during the engagement phase, it will get worse should the couple get married.

Marriage is a legal, public commitment. I agree, do everything you can to save a marriage.

Saving an engagement? No. There's no need to fight to save an engagement. If one wants to back off, let him/her back off. In the meantime, pull yourself together and hang out with marriage-minded people, hoping to meet someone who is ready, at this point in life, for a public, permanent commitment.

The LAST thing you should do is try to talk someone into getting married, against their better judgment.

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 7:38 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I am not trying to convience him into marriage. I would like it to work out yes, but right now I'm just trying to figure out what happened. A week before he was so happy as I bought my dress and finalizing wedding plans. I am wondering if he is depressed and that is where all of this is coming from...as I described in above post. I am a nurse so I am familiar with the signs. They push their loved ones away, want to be alone, as he is unhappy in his job, had a miscarriage, IRS audited and owe $$. If I truely thought it was just his feelings for me I would walk away, but I don't think thatis the case. I want to help him through wantever it is he is going thru...he was my bestfriend.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sad,

I truly understand your desire to help him. Sure, you want to stick by him and help him through a bad time.

However, as a nurse you must know there are cases where the patient refuses to be helped. I'm sure you know of noncompliant patients who do not take their meds, do not follow doctors' orders and make things difficult for themselves.

The trick is to know when to call it quits. When do you cut it off and repair your own life? You may never know the Big Reason for his change of heart.

My strong suggestion to you is to get counseling for yourself. Get a counselor who has you and your interests in mind, as well as those of your child. Decide on an action plan for yourself.

One suggested action plan would be to give your boyfriend six months. This is a deadline that you keep privately in your own mind, not an ultimatum you give him. You tell yourself that you will go another six months helping him work out his issues.

If he manages to get a grip within that time and go back to his former self, then great.

If not, then come July, 2010, you well cut your losses and move on with your life.

Again, this is a private deadline in your own mind, not a spoken ultimatum.

To elaborate on what I said in an earlier message. The engagement is a time of discernment. You promise to marry each other, but the promise is not a binding legal commitment. It can be broken. It is best broken if one of the parties to the agreement has a change of heart.

The marriage vows are permanent. The discernment period is over.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 3, 2010 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Sad - In addition to what AOTB has said, I think you should have counseling on your own for depression and everything going on. It will be good for you.

 

 

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 8, 2010 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I don't agree with these other posters about breaking it off. If everyone broke off their marriage that quickly, there'd be plenty of divorces.

We're not talking about divorce - we're talking about breaking an engagement because one party does not want to get married (which has already happened. HE broke the engagement. If she left him, she'd simply be reacting, not breaking it). I'm totally with AOTB on this - marriage and engagement are two totally different committments. If the OP was married, I'd be the first to tell her to fight for that marriage, but as things stand now, she is NOT married, nor does her boyfriend want to be. Sure, she can sit around waiting for this guy to change his mind, feeling sorry for herself as time goes on and nothing changes. She can talk herself into believing that something will change. OR she can focus on what she CAN control.

As far as this guy goes, there's no question that he's depressed - I can't believe that a nurse can't see that, but perhaps it's clearer to an outside observor. Yes, he's depressed and needs help. It sounds like he's getting it through counseling, but recovery will take time and there's no guarantee that he will even want to get married when he does feel better. There are two different (but related) issues at play, here: 1) His depression, 2) Their relationship. There's no guarantee that a better job or losing weight will suddenly make him stop 'feeling differently' about their relationship. Maybe they're related, but maybe they're not. Take from this what you will, but DH has struggled with depression for years and NEVER has he questioned US or taken his dissatisfaction with other elements of his life out on me or our relationship.

The OP has told us what she wants: to be married and to have another child. She has told us that she's 36 now, so her window for having that future child is shrinking. If she was 26 or didn't care about having another child, I might advise her to stick around and see how this plays out - but she's not, and if marriage and another child are priorities for her, she needs to cut her losses and move on. Who knows? Perhaps this guy will come around in a few months and decide he wants to get married again - if so, he can find her then. In the meantime, she should be looking to meet other nice men, in case this guy doesn't ever change his mind again. So yes, in this case and with the information we've been given, I fully recommend that the OP move on rather than sit around waiting for him to change his mind. I'm not saying it will be easy - it won't - but if marriage and another child are her priorities, this is what she needs to do. If this guy is her priority, then she can wait around - but she needs to accept the possibility that the relationship may never progress to marriage and she might not get to have that other child.

Sorry if my advice seems mean, but the OP needs tough love. The original post for this thread was before the holidays - I don't know when she posted the first thread that the engagement was off. I understand that breakups are tough, but it has been several weeks and it doesn't sound like the OP has made any progress towards healing HERSELF. She needs someone to tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself and ACT. Complaining to strangers on the internet that her engagement ended, that she wants to be married, and that she's running out of time to have another child is NOT going to solve ANY of these problems. She can only solve these problems by acting. I'm telling her to.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 11:19 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I have been trying to keep myself busy, but still have my ups and downs. My ex FH finally gave me some insight on why he "feels differently"...

-the drive started to wear on him. we live 1.5 hrs apart and he would come to my house as he has roomates and little privacy. he also didn't like the fact we couldn't see one another eveyday.

-he felt I didn't enjoy having sex

-i got mad one day when we were out at dinner and he was txting his buddies about the game. txting back n forth on the plays.

-the weekend before the break up he went out of town to vegas and he said I didn't wish him a safe flight as he said I was mad at him going with his friends.

My response to all is for one if ANY of this was an issues he should have communicated that with me and he choose not to in order to not have conflict. I can understand the drive can wear on you, but I offered to go up there. He should have told me it was getting to be too much. Distance is what you make of it...he knew that going into the relationship. We were planning on buying a house btwn our jobs closer to the wedding.

I did enjoy our sex life and sex with him, but I guess I didn't express that very well. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone after being in a previous bad sexual relationship where he was an a$$ in that sense. I have endometrosis so sex can be very painful at times and previous partner bilittled me for that, but my ex FH was very understanding.

In reguards to the txt and dinner. I feel that was our time together and I would think he could stop txting about the game for a bit so we could enjoy our time, then after txt away.

with the wknd out of town to vegas I was a little upset b/c I thought we needed a wknd together to "reconnect" after a rough patch with miscarriage, his IRS audit and just to have quality one on one time. I am pretty sure I txtd him before his flight that I would miss him and have fun. Maybe I only thought I did as things can get busy at work.

I find all of his "reasons" as excuses. These are things that if he told me we could work on the issues. These were not qualities of a person you can't really change.

He then told me he knew he wanted to marry me when he proposed, but feels he wasn't 100% ready. He felt he would loose me if he didn't eventhough he says I never pressured him. I think if your in your 30s and you know this is the person you want to marry, then why wait to start your life together.

I am moving on with my life, but wanted to know your thoughts on his response.

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allisonapp Posts : 10 Registered: 1/10/10
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 12:43 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Good for you for moving on. That's a huge step.

From your last post, this guy sounds very manipulative, and I hope you can see that. Telling you he thinks you don't enjoy sex and trying to make you feel ashamed and guilty. Acting as if he's understanding and then telling you he thinks you don't enjoy it. Mixed messages. And the fact that he would get mad that you didn't wish him a safe flight? As if your goodbye wasn't "good enough". It seems like the engagement was his way of controlling you and keeping you there, making you desperate to make it work. Did he tell you he wasn't 100% ready to propose before or after you told him things weren't working? Sounds to me like even after the break up, he was trying to control you by making you feel bad yet again. "Yeah, you might be breaking up with me, but I wasn't 100% ready to propose anyways." Don't let him get to you.

This will be better for both you and your son. As a child that grew up with a single mother, one loving parent is all they need. I had a father that was in and out of my life for years. And for years I had to grieve over and over. I would have been so much happier without him! Period! Does he have some sort of male father figure in his life that is constant? Say, your father? (If you're even worried about that).

Good luck to you. I say it's better to be alone than alone in a relationship.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

My response to all is for one if ANY of this was an issues he should have communicated that with me and he choose not to in order to not have conflict.

I think you're right on the money with that assessment.

Personally, I think he's grasping at straws and looking for excuses. All the things you've stated are fairly flimsy reasons to break off an engagement, even when taken together. If the distance was too much, someone could have moved (plus, you'd presumably be living together once you were married, so it wasn't as if it would ALWAYS be a problem). The sex thing sounds like an excuse to me. If you're worried that your partner isn't enjoying sex, the normal response is to TALK to them, not to end the relationship. And the rest of it is simply ridiculous. If he couldn't deal with the fact that you don't like him texting during dinner, then I say you're better off without him! (Incidentally, DH and I got in a argument the weekend of our first anniversary over a very similar thing! We were out of town for a long weekend to celebrate our anniversary and the first night of the trip, he texted his buddy about 5 times, just sending photos of the beer he's drinking and stupid stuff like that. I got a little annoyed and made an off-hand comment that he should have gone on vacation with his friend for our anniversary instead of me and it escalated into a really silly argument. Yep, that's how we celebrated our first year of marriage. Annoyed at one another for ruining the vacation! LOL about that one already, and I'm sure it'll be funnier years from now!) But back to your situation, I wouldn't want to spend my life walking on eggshells afraid to speak my mind because my husband might get super-senstitive and divorce me over whether or not I wished him a safe flight!

Overall, it sounds like you're better off without him...at least for now. I wish I could tell you that everything will work out for the best, but it sounds to me like he's finding flimsy excuses after the fact to explain his actions. And you don't deserve that. You deserve to be with someone who is committed enough to you and your son that he will sit down and work things out if there is a problem...not run away from it.

But my opinion doesn't matter. How do YOU feel about all this? Do you feel better knowing the reasons? Are you definitely moving on?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 8:12 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Dear Sad,

I know people like that. Nothing is ever their fault. Everything is someone else's fault. They can do no wrong. The whole world is against them. Bla bla bla.

Picky little piddly things drive them nuts. Never mind that they drive other people nuts with what they do.

(I had a boss like that. Miserable job.)

You are well rid of him. I'm glad you have decided to move on with your life. Seriously, this guy sounds like trouble. You dodged a bullet by getting out of an engagement instead of a messy, difficult divorce.

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sadnco Posts : 16 Registered: 12/5/09
Re: outcomes of "cold feet"
Posted: Jan 28, 2010 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: sadnco

Just an update...After 2 months he finally got to the root of his issues. Because I am 36 with female issues and he is 32, he doesn't want to feel that"time is running short" referring to having kids. He knew all of this after being together 1 mo. 2 yrs later and before the engagement if this were a deal breaker he should have communicated that. I think he felt the wedding and having kids were coming at too fast a pace. Instead of letting it effect us, I wish he would have communicated he wasn't ready...and by all means why propose?
I am scared this will effect any future relationship...how do you trust again? When getting engaged you want to enjoy it and feel secure that your partner REALLY wants this as he is the one to propose. Then when he freaks out your left picking up the pieces of your broken heart.

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