We haven't had a wedding yet....

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

If you have read the OP's earlier posts, you will know that there are a lot of "issues" here and that this is not a typical situation in any way. To the OP, I understand that you wish to have a religious ceremony, which you certanly can have through whatever church you join. And I understand your wish to have the typical, white dress wedding. However, if you wish to have this party because you need gifts to furnish your new home, then you really are playing a zero-sum game. The money that you will have to spend to have the party to get the gifts would be better spent if you just bought the stuff you need (gradually, if necessary). You have "escaped" from your family, and you are MARRIED. Move on, be happy, and enjoy your new life together.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com


EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

we will be able to on January 7th, when we fly to our new home in Alabama. Fortunately it has all the furnishings but we need to buy our bedding and linens and lamps and stuff like that ourselves... stuff that's usually covered by having a wedding.

i agree with everyone here that says you have already had your wedding. if you want a religious ceremony to renew your vows, i see no problem with that... that said, even if you had had the wedding you really wanted, there is no guarantee that you would have received bedding, linens, etc, or any gifts at all.

if you really need to buy bedding, linens, lamps and all of that stuff for your home, i think you should take the money you would have used for your religious ceremony/"wedding" and buy the things you need. you should take care of the necessities that you need before anything else.

you are already married to the man you love...in 10 years (or whenever you have saved and are in a more stable place in your lives) you can have a renewel or anniversary or something more elaborate. but right now it seems like you need to focus on more important things that having a glamourous party.



Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Dear Rev,

I have read your previous messages. You have told us that you and your husband have a lot of mental health challenges.

Part of some mental illnesses is the person does not see the world as it really is. They see some kind of imaginary world. I have a friend with a mother who has been mentally ill for years. She simply does not understand Real Life. The mother says and does things that a person with a solid grip on mental health would not say nor do.

It is my opinion that your plan of having a "do-over" wedding at a new church where no one knows you and getting wedding gifts to furnish your house is not realistic. People give really nice wedding gifts when:

1. The couple are actually getting married, not having a "do-over"


2. They have known the couple for some time and have some level of affection for one or both.


3. The couple have hosted (paid for) a nice reception following the ceremony.

People are not going to give house furnishing to two people who are already married, who are new to the area or to the church and who apparently want the wedding just so they will get the gifts.

I would be insulted if someone requested that of me.

What would be a better, more realistic plan?

Go to Alabama, join the church of your choice and simply tell the pastor or minister of your situation. You have a need for some very simple household items. The church might round up some thingsl, new and used, from various parishioners.

My church does that kind of thing all the time. Most recently, it was for a woman whose husband kicked her out with absolutely nothing. We came up with some simple used furniture to help get her back on her feet.


FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Rev, if you don't consider the JOP ceremony a marriage, why did you even waste your money doing so? If I was homeless, I think I would be more focused on spending any money that came my way on a stable place, not a wedding of any sort. You say you and your husband have been through so much already, what's another year or 2, especially when you should have other priorities, like a home, job, and education coming before a wedding. From what you have posted, you have very little, is this Do-over wedding you want so bad going really get you anywhere in life?


dickerson2be Posts : 19 Registered: 12/8/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

I really can't believe you think a bunch of people you don't know are going to give you gifts for a ceremony that you have already had! That is really just taking advantage of very giving and good people (assuming that they would even give you anything). You are not a child, you and your husband need to learn to be self sufficient and contributing members of society. You cannot rely on others to get you through life. Maybe reach out to the church to see who can give you job skills or training so you can buy those things for yourself, but don't take advantage of people's generosity because you have in the past. It's disgusting.


The future Mrs. Dickerson



08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

I agree with everything Kelley said...I just don't have the edge of a comedian! LMAO!

I also agree with AOTB. Find a new church and tell them your situation. Maybe they will want to help in any way they can. But if not, nothing for you to get offended over.

Sorry, but once you are married, you are married. If you want a do-over, then you will have to get a divorce and "do it over".

Good luck and I really do hope everything works out for you and you and your hubby get your lives in working order.

 Lilypie - (8e8A)


Revenwyn Posts : 48 Registered: 4/26/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

I didn't say I don't consider the JOP as a "marriage" I said I don't consider it to be a "wedding." And neither does my family. In fact some of them don't consider it to be a marriage. We got married because we didn't want to be put up in a hotel somewhere and not be married... it happened once and it was AWKWARD because there was only one bed, and we weren't married, and he insisted on sleeping on the floor as a result. Or if a friend had room for us but only the one bed... you get the point.

There wasn't enough aid to get into any place anyway, $147 a month per person does not help the homeless get out... only gives them enough to pay for their toiletries and a couple nights in a hotel (a studio here costs over $1,000 a month.)

Also, my family made it pretty clear that if we lived together prior to marriage they would disown us entirely. It isn't enough that we married JOP for them... my grandfather and grandmother still consider us unmarried and living in sin.

So until we have a "wedding" not a vow renewal, that is how we will be to them. And that is why it is so important to me. Sure, we'll still be disowned to them but at least they would consider us to be married then.

Just to let you know I'm moving to an area where I am considered to have a superior education (only 40% of people graduate high school), and my husband has a college education. He is on SSI because this area was too busy and fast paced for him to be able to work in, but I expect that he may be able to work when we move. This really was the only way out for us.



Married by civil ceremony on November 4th, hoping for a religious ceremony within a year.



CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 7:08 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn


Where in Alabama are you moving to? Just because we might only have a 40% GRADUATION rate in some areas, does not mean that these people didn't do GEDs. I personally know several people who dropped out of school as soon as they were eligible to take the GED because they were so frustrated with the classes. We have some pretty pathetic public schools, and a lot of kids will do that -- drop out, get the GED, and start working...as school is literally wasting their time and they have teachers who don't care.

Secondly: You've been given the definition of wedding. Clearly, you don't care what is a fact. You have your opinoin (and it is a WRONG one) and no matter what you're told, you're going to remain willfully ignorant of the fact that if you are MARRIED you have had a WEDDING. Period. That's what the marriage ceremony is... a wedding. GOT IT?!!!!

And you say you're educated!!!

Great... Alabama is about to get two more religious nutjob ninnies. Just what we need.

And don't think that he'll be able to function here if he's incapable of moving quickly. We might not talk a mile a minute, but we do have definition of Hussle, unless he's planning on working at Walmart.



Ebby102310 Posts : 57 Registered: 2/3/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 8:23 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Cat I thank you for standing up for Bama. And you are very correct, my mother is from Alabama and although she didn't finish high school, she did get her GED and then continue to go to college and has completed some coursework for her career, and one of my best friends' just gradauted from UAB with her BS in Social Work, so, and I hope and don't believe Rev meant an offense to those from and in Alabama, there are many who prove that statistic wrong.

And I agree with the others. When you stand before someone and pledge your love and yourself forever in "holy matromony" you are married, but if you want a religious okay on it, it's still considered a vow renewal, I know I'm the niece of many pastors, preachers, and deacons :)

Be up front with your new church, because as part of faith, you help those who need and many churches assist new families in the area as well as have programs for them.

Good luck and too my gramma and mechanics posters, I apologize for any grammatical errors in advance :).

After the wedding comes the real funSmile


wedding tickers


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 10:36 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Dear Rev,

You can have as many weddings as you want. Get dressed up, do the whole thing multiple times, take lots of photos. Nothing stopping you.

What you CAN'T do is expect people to give you gifts every time you have a wedding. If I were invited to attend a do-over wedding, and heard they expected the usual wedding gifts, I would just decline and not give any kind of gift.

Go ahead with whatever event you want to have. Just don't be disappointed if you don't end up with a load of gifts to furnish a house. Don't be disappointed if few people attend.

As I suggested before: Move to Alabama, join a church and meet with the pastor or minister and explain your situation. It's possible the pastor can ask various church members to donate stuff to set up a household. That's OK. Some of the donated goods might be new, but most will be used. Still, it's better to have a "used" coffee table than none at all.

Putting on another wedding just to get gifts is not OK.

You both have a lot of challenges. You need to think carefully about your limited resources.


FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 12:52 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Your family kept you from seeing him, even when he was dying, and you went and married him regardless. So why is it so important what your family thinks now? If you ask me, that is not a reason to have another wedding. How old are you? I think it's odd that you're old enough to get married, but still need your families approval. Why couldn't you just stick it out and stay at home (single) and wait until you could have a Church ceremony. If you just did the Church ceremony, it probably wouldn't have cost much more than the JOP. What's expensive is the reception, the attire, the food, flowers, etc. If having the wedding in the church is so important to you, why didn't you just skip all the extras and just do your wedding at the church instead of the courthouse?


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 7:28 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

I don't get it. You said earlier that your family doesn't approve and won't attend the church wedding regardless. You said that you've 'escaped' them....but now you're worried about what they think? So which is it?

And I'm sorry, but regardless of where you live, a high school diploma is NEVER a 'superior' education. Nor will a person who has a college degree and no experience be able to find a job. I know you've been sheltered and all, but perhaps you've heard about our terrible economic situation? Jobs are hard to find, particularly in rural areas such as Alabama. Jobs are hard to find for people who have excellent resumes, let alone for a high school graduate and a kid with a college degree and no career experience. You need to get your head out of the clouds and start living in the real world.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 8:13 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Amen ArtBride.

I live in Alabama. My husband spent almost TWO years trying to find a job that was NOT serving tables (and I assure you, slow servers get low tips, and Alabama pays $2.13/hour for servers). You cannot live on that unless you're working in a restaurant known for good food, good service, and a bit of higher prices AND you're working a steady stream of hours.

Even now, my husband has only a part time job (but it does have potential to turn permanent).

He was not able to get a managerial position at one of our restaurants, and he has been a shift supervisor and training supervisor at Planet Hollywood -- in Vegas. You think Olive Garden in Alabama couldn't learn a few things from a Vegas restaurant? He was extremely qualified for those positions, but they give them to people who know people (and incidentally, people who do not know WTF they are doing, so they do not manage, or train, or supervise. They just ream your butt when a customer complains, and 90% of the time, the customer's complaint is not related to the server. But they can't analyze the customer's complaints well enough to know which area actually caused the problem) Rev's husband moves slowly -- obviously, waiting tables is NOT an option.

But not only that, they got married so that sharing a hotel room would not be awkward. Yeah, that is a GREAT reason to bump up your wedding. Wouldn't want to be awkward and all.

If her family has already disowned them, and she's already run away and done this against their will, what in the world makes her think that putting on a white dress and walking down the aisle is going to make them be supportive or even give a darn. They've already made up their minds. A "wedding" isn't going to repair anything. If they are too ignorant to recognize that there is a legal union there, then they are just SOL.

The true issue here: she didn't get her princess for a day, showered with gifts. She didn't get daddy to walk her down the aisle. Newsflash: you're not going to get any of that anyway. You're coming to an area where you know no one. It takes a bit of time before you really become close enough with a church to have any reason to expect them to provide prezzies.

AOTBs suggestion to ask for help for the items you need is much more practical.

And if you must have your marriage blessed by the church, ask the minister to bless that union as well. Perhaps you can have a little thing some time right after church -- and do provide a bit of cake to the fellowship hall. But do not expect to get the grand affair with gifts.



karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 8:30 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Ok, I've been trying to avoid posting here because for some reason I'm feeling Scrooge-ish this week.

So, I'll limit myself to this:

Rev, you should listen to the advice of the other posters, particularly AOTB and Cat. Read what they are saying. They are giving you excellent advice.



MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 8:47 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Ouch. I dropped out of high school but I'm doing ok. I got a GED and part of a higher education. And if you're at all aware of what's going on in the economy then you'd understand why even with only a little education under my belt I'm still "doing ok". See, I'm not homeless, I have a job, and I can afford to at least try to get my education.

Right now you have bigger worries than a do-over. Focus on those. I'm only repeating PP's because you might need a million people to tell you before you get it. Get yourselves in a stable position in life, then figure out what you want for your vow renewal.

Oh and dropping out of high school doesn't make a person unqualified or even less educated. I had to drop out because of endless harrassment from peers that was encouraged by staff. Sure, mom and I raised a legal stink about it. But in the end I was just disgusted with the place and did not want to go back. So please, do yourself a favor and stop speaking negatively about drop outs.
Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010


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