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Not sure what to title this....

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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 4:25 AM

My husband and I have been married for three months now. I am 27 and he is 33. I have a few of my own friends, but we mostly have mutual friends that we both knew before we met. Our mutual friends are 33-36 years old. We are the last in the group to get married. All of them have been married for a while now and have young children or have a baby on the way. I really do cherish our friendnship with them, but it's starting to become somewhat of a drag for me.

We're just in a totally different phase of life than they are. We just got married, don't have a mortgage, don't have kids, and are at a point where we can enjoy our freedom and want to go out and do things. Our friends, on the other hand, are on tighter budgets because they all have mortgages and kids. So, whenever we get together we're always just hanging around someone's house. It's not too bad for my husband because the guys will go off and talk about guy stuff. The girls sit around and talk about pregnancy, childbirth, and raising their kids non-stop which leaves me feeling somewhat left out. I don't mind hearing about it for a little while. We do plan on starting to try for a baby around our 1 year anniversary so it's sometimes nice to get a little preview, but I really have no interest in listening to them go on and on for hours on end because I have very little to contribute. I know they are not intentionally leaving me out, but it does get rather boring. I also wouldn't expect them to not talk about that stuff just because of me either. Anyway, when they do go out to do things the activities revolve around the kids. I absolutely adore their kids and I love playing with them, but sometimes it would be nice just to go out and have some adult fun.

My husband and I just don't have a group of people to actually go out and do things with. He and I get out all the time and do alot of fun stuff as a couple, but sometimes it would be nice to have some other friends who are able to do things with as a group. I have a really good friend who's willing to go out and do things, but she has a 12 year old daughter too. This friend has health trouble and often doesn't feel well, so 95% of the time she has to cancel when we plan on doing something.

I guess there really isn't any point to this post. I Just needed to vent a little and see if anyone else maybe has the same problem. I'm trying to convince my husband to that we should try and meet some other people in the area. I recently discovered meetup.com. It sounds like a dating site but it's actually a site where you can find a ton of interest groups in your area. We live int he chicago suburbs, and I've found a chicagoland couples group that plans alot of fun activities from game nights, dining out, sporting events and other stuff around Chicago. Even after we have kids, we still would like to be able to go out once a month or maybe every other month for a night to ourselves or to go out with a group of friends. Our friends are just more content to sit around the house. They are very nice people and I would never think of not being friends with them, but we're just in a different phase of life and aren't the type of people to be concent to sit around the house all the time.



illinois_chicago
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 7:59 AM Go to message in response to: Lori82

I have actually met friends through meetup.com. It has been great for me since I have only lived in Charlotte a couple of years and didn't really have any girlfriends. I even started my own meetup group called "brides night out", a night for brides-to-be can get together to exchange ideas and get support. I would definitely suggest checking it out and making some new friends. You can never have too many friends and social networking is important!

I wonder if your married with children girlfriends could also use a "girls night out"? Why not suggest it to them? The guys could watch the kids and the girls could all go out. Or maybe do a spa day? Women tend to put all their time and energy in their husbands and kids and sometimes lose who they are as individuals. I think it would be awesome for you to suggest a girls night out. And the guys could do it too! Maybe they would like to go golfing one afternoon or something like that?

I think what you are experiencing is understandable. Just remember your friends love you even though they are in different places. Good luck!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

north_carolina , illinois_chicago
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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 11:14 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Usually for girls nights we have dinner at someone's house and play games. They can be fun sometimes, but it would be nice to get them to go out once in a while. I totally understand that they are on much tighter budgets, but there are things you can do around here that are not all too expensive. If we all went to McDonald's and a movie, we could get away with a night out about $15 per person. For my bachelorette party they were all in a tizzy. You would of thought we were planning a one-week vacation! Maybe I should suggest the movie idea to them. They actually are a fun group when you can get them off the subject of pregnancies and child birth!

I've found a lot of nice groups so far with meetup.com I found a walking group that walks around the local neighborhoods. I love walking so it would be nice to have someone to walk with. Once the holidays are over, we plan on trying a few things. We're just much too busy this month. I've lived up here with my husband for 2.5 years now. We don't know anyone in the area at all. I thought this would be a good way to meet some new people.



north_carolina , illinois_chicago
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 11:42 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

I love to read and I just used meetup.com to join a book club.

I also have started to volunteer at our local SPCA, so I've met some people through that.

 

 

 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 6:46 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

It's funny but I grew away from a lot of my friends in my 20's and 30's because of differences in careers and family. But now it seems I am finding my way back to the people I was close to when I was young. At the same time I am meeting new people. Keep in mind that things do change and try to be fluid. Life is all about change.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

north_carolina , illinois_chicago
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: Lori82

We actually have the opposite problem! Of our local, see-each-other-every-weekend friends we are married the longest and are the ones ready for kids. So we actually talked about putting kids off for a little while longer b/c we knew we'd be giving up a lot of social time with our friends. But we're ready now, so we are prepared for everything. We also have a group of long distance friends who are popping kids out left and right and we're the only ones NOT. So thats also tough b/c we don't see them as often anymore b/c for them, it's hard to take a weekend away understandibly.

I think this is something we will always run into. No other couple/friend is going to be in the same exact place in life as you. DH and I are determined not to end up like our parents with barely any social lives so all we can do is make extra efforts to make time for friends and organize things. We do enjoy game nights and he enjoys a guys night and i enjoy a girls night. It's just important to make time.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago , central_new_jersey
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dickerson2be Posts : 19 Registered: 12/8/09
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thanks so much for suggesting meetup.com! That is such a neat idea. Right now my FH and I are in a similar situation...we are probably the most responsible of everyone in our group, so no one else ever has any money to go out and do anything, so we find ourselves sitting at home with them on a saturday night instead of going out and enjoying the weekend. I am really looking forward to meeting some people like us on that site.

Thanks!

Lindsey

The future Mrs. Dickerson

 

january_2011 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago , indiana
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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 3:52 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

Dickerson2be I have to confess I chuckled a little when I read 'we are probably the most responsible of everyone in our group" and then I looked over to see two pirates! Pirates aren't usually considered bo be the most responsible people.

I am also a member of a few meetups. I moved from Canada to the US. I wasn't eligible to work at first, I am 40 with no kids and no plans for kids and I live in the very Christian south and I am a Buddhist. Thank goodness for meetups! I have met tons of people and had a lot of fun.

august_2008 , south_carolina , january_2011 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago , indiana
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bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 5:08 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

I am kinda in the same boat. I don't really see my friends any more because they all have children. There is really not a whole lot I can do about this though...

illinois_chicago
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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 5:31 PM Go to message in response to: dickerson2be

I really love meet-up.com! I'm glad some of you will try it.

I would never dream of cutting off our friendship with these friends. They are very nice people and they've all been very good to me. I totally understand why they are not able to get out much. But, at the same time, why should we spend the next couple of years sitting around everyone's house when this should be our time to get out and enjoy our freedom while we don't have a mortgage or a baby! None of our friends had kids right away after they got married. They had their time to go out and have fun. Well, we need our time too. I think they sometimes forget that.

I finally have my husband convinced to try one of the couples' groups from meetup.com Not only would it be nice to find a fun group to go out and do things with, but we live an hour away from our friends and we don't really know anyone in our area at all! Sometimes it would be nice to not have to drive for an hour to get together with friends. All of this bothers me waaaaay more than it does him. Thankfully, he's agreed to humor me and go along with it. Hopefully, he'll end up having a good time too. Once the holidays are over, we'll be able to try some events out. It's just been too crazy this month!



january_2011 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago , indiana
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 5:56 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

I just started a meetup for Brides -To-Be in the Charlotte, NC area. I am so excited about it! I'll have to let ya'll know how it goes!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

january_2011 , north_carolina , illinois_chicago , indiana
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August28th Posts : 153 Registered: 1/28/09
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 21, 2009 7:21 PM Go to message in response to: Lori82

I'm kindof relieved to find someone in the same boat as me! (though I'm not rejoicing in your frustration). DH and I's friends are mostly mutual, I have several friends of my own but they live so far away, they kindof don't count, lol. However, unlike you, our friends are younger than us and all single as in, not even dating.

I get frustrated because they are years younger than us, we met them at work and we all get along really well. However since getting engaged and married I've realized that they are sooo much younger (especially the ladies) than us both physically and in maturity. Most of them are in college or just coming out of it and they act like middle schoolers. We only know 2 married couples through work and one we just don't click w/ outside of work and the other I don't really like the wife. She's nice and everything, but she's been flirting w/ DH since she was engaged to her husband (who is a childhood friend of mine as well). So that's a no.

I feel your pain, I've tried looking for other couples at church and other social places, but no such luck. They're either way too young or on their 3rd or 4th kid. I'm not wanting to dump our friends and start over new, but I would like to have friends going through somewhat the same things we are. I'll have to try meetup.com and see what's up. Thanks for the suggestion, sorry for the vent, but I'm frustrated too.!!

True love is like a ghost which many talk about but few have ever seen.

august_2009 , missouri , illinois_chicago
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Lori82 Posts : 151 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Not sure what to title this....
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: August28th

It can be very frustrating to be in different places than all the rest of your friends. When we first started dating, only one of our friends had a child. So, it wasn't too bad. Everyone was married, but we were all mostly kid free. When the girls got together, we could have conversations about other things besides kids. We could talk about work, complain about the guys, and other stuff. That was 3 1/2 years ago. Well, alot has changed since then. They all have kids now so it's much more apparents that we are in a different phase. It also makes me want a baby more and more. I do love kids and have always looked forward to being a mommy. Well, now we're surrounded by kids and baby talk all the time. It just makes me want them more. However, I do know we should at least wait the year and enjoy our free time too. We were going to wait two years, but we decided that a year would be plenty shortly after we got married. We've lived together for 2.5 years already, so we have had quite a lot of time to ourselves already!

Even though we do plan on starting to try for a baby in September, I still very much want to maybe have a circle of friends in our area who want to go out and do things. My husband and I are definitely not homebodys, so we plan on still getting out maybe once a month after we have kids to make sure we have time for us as a couple and have a group of other adults to go out and do things with. It's like pulling teeth to get this group of friends to go out. The guys would like to go out, but they really stink at organizing plans to actually go out. The girls would rather sit around the house, which is fine every now and then, but it would be nice to go out for a girls night sometimes. There are things that are inexpensive. They all had a fit about my bachelorette party. They were trying to get my maid of honor to change the time we had planned to go to the comedy show that I had picked out so they could go home early. It was a 9:00 show so it's not like it was that late. I finally told them that this was the one night in my life where I got to decide what the plans were. So, anyway, it would be nice to have a group who can plan a night out without making it seem like we're planning a week-long trip they way this group does.



august_2009 , missouri , illinois_chicago
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