We haven't had a wedding yet....

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Revenwyn Posts : 48 Registered: 4/26/07
We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 5:27 PM

...but we want one.

We have had sooo many roadblocks in our relationship. Most people think I'm lying when I tell them all this, but it is completely the truth.

We met in August 2004, he asked me out the next day, and asked me to marry him three weeks later. We planned to marry in May 2005. By December 6th 2004 we had to go into a long distance relationship because he was violently sick with lupus and they gave him two weeks to live. My family was not supportive of the relationship from the very beginning, and would not let me see him in the hospital, even after the news that he was dying came. :(

He pulled through and went into chemo, but my family constantly kept me over 1,000 miles away from him at any given time. They'd send me places where I wasn't allowed to work to save money to get married or see him. Finally, running out of places to send me, I was brought back home.

We saw each other for the first time in over a year and a half. We would only get to see each other at church because I was prohibited from leaving the house, and someone was always there 24/7 just in case I would slip off.

Through MSN we decided to just run for it. On October 22nd of this year we managed to break free. We were homeless but we had each other.

November 4th brought us the money we needed for a civil ceremony, and we went through with it, trusting that God would provide because we followed what he wanted of us and got married anyway.

We have been gifted in so many ways, and while few escape homelessness, we will be able to on January 7th, when we fly to our new home in Alabama. Fortunately it has all the furnishings but we need to buy our bedding and linens and lamps and stuff like that ourselves... stuff that's usually covered by having a wedding. Now that we have a place to live, we are wanting to save up for a religious wedding ceremony. Tell me, in our circumstances, is that going to come across as bad? My family wouldn't be there because they never approved, but his family would come. I'm not thinking of a white dress, but I am going to use the same dress pattern as I was going to make a wedding dress from. Do you think people who knew the circumstances would come, and do you think people would bring gifts of any sort? The attendees will probably be just from any church we have chosen at that point. We aren't even looking to do it on our anniversary or anything special like that... just want a religious ceremony as soon as possible...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Married by civil ceremony on November 4th, hoping for a religious ceremony within a year.

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

OK. First of all, you have had a wedding and I feel that it's insulting to imply that a JOP ceremony is NOT a wedding to those brides who have gone the JOP route.

Moving on, if you choose to have a vow renewal in a church - because that is what it is, that is totally up to you and your DH. Some people may not like it (you have been on these boards enough to know that this is a divisive topic) but they don't have to come.

You simply have to decide what is important to you. My only issue is that you should be completely honest with your guests about it being a vow renewal.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

You're going to get a variety of responses on this. Some people feel very strongly that a second, religious ceremony would be a "fake wedding" because you've already gotten married at the JOP, and might assume you're doing it as a gift grab....which in your case sounds like it would be. Other people consider the couple's circumstances in their decision about whether to attend. For example, say one of the spouses was about to deploy, so the couple got married at the JOP before deployment, and now that the spouse has returned safely from Iraq (or wherever), the couple wants to have a big wedding. Personally, I would attend a ceremony like that, but others who have strong feelings against "fake weddings," feeling that the real ceremony was already said and done at the JOP, would not attend.

Then there's the personal aspect of your particular case. Knowing nothing else about your personal circumstances, if I were a good friend of yours, I would attend the religious ceremony because it sounds like your family is super-controlling and I would want to show support for your relationship IF your motivation for the second wedding was to pledge your love in front of friends/family. And to be honest--and I hesitate to say this--even knowing you wanted to do it to get "stuff", I might even attend then if you were a really good friend considering the circumstances you've dealt with.

I hesitated to say that because it's almost always (and some would say ALWAYS) uber-tacky to have a ceremony or any other celebration IN ORDER TO get gifts since the point of the celebration should be to have the celebration. The gifts are a sort of side effect of the celebration.

Also, my decision to attend your wedding would also be dependent upon your relationship with your husband. Why did your family try to keep you from him? From your past posts, it sounds like they are super-religious and super-controlling, but are there other reasons? Is he a criminal? Does he beat you? Is he a lazy bum? If I did not support the relationship because of those reasons, I wouldn't attend.

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Revenwyn Posts : 48 Registered: 4/26/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 8:32 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I'm sorry but how is a civil ceremony a wedding? It was just something to get a legally recognized marriage, we didn't even have a witness we knew, we were in t-shirts and jeans, and there was nothing pretty, glamourous, or unique about it. We only did it then because we didn't want to be in a situation having to stay somewhere together if we were unmarried and someone else put us up. We would have much rather been able to have that wedding but my family wouldn't approve, and it was only because he's disabled and collects SSI. Otherwise he was everything they said they wanted for me.

I want a do-over. I want people there to actually be able to celebrate the fact that after five years we can finally be together. Even right now we stay in different homes because nobody has room for us both.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Married by civil ceremony on November 4th, hoping for a religious ceremony within a year.

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 8:48 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

A marriage is a legal union. If you also choose to have it in a church, it is obviously religious. In my opinion, the JOP is still a wedding as a wedding involves marriage. You don't have to agree with me, I don't care one way or the other.

One would hope that as you married the man you love, it was unique and wonderful regardless of the other circumstances.

But you ARE married, it was a wedding - just not the GLMAOROUS event you seem to have in mind.

So, as you are already MARRIED, any ceremony you have after this point is a vow renewal. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this, BUT you should be honest and upfront about it.

I want a do-over. I want people there to actually be able to celebrate
the fact that after five years we can finally be together. Even right
now we stay in different homes because nobody has room for us both.

Have a vow renewal and a delayed reception to celebrate. Personally, I agree with Happy that your attitude in your first post (and this one here with I want a do-over) seems to be gift grabby. And I also agree that if you were a close friend of mine, I wouldn't care.


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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 8:51 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Um, actually, many people DO consider going to the JOP a wedding. You did ask for opinions, and now you're getting them. That's the purpose of posting a question on a message board, is to get people's opinions.

As I said, you're going to get a range of them on this subject, so learn what you want to from it and know that the people YOU know will likely have just as wide a range of opinions on the subject, so some people will come to your wedding/vow renewal and some people won't.

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mrscreamer2be Posts : 153 Registered: 6/14/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 11:56 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

I'm not sure how it works for all religions, but in the Catholic religion it is called a convalidation ceremony. This ceremony is done to validate the marriage in the church. If you want a religious ceremony for the purpose of your marriage being recognized in the church, then you should do it. It just depends on what your opinions and those of your husband are. Your wedding may not have felt like a wedding because you wish friends and his family could have been there to share your day with you. It was still a wedding, that's just how you feel and that's okay. Do what feels best for you and your husband. Good luck!

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet.... YES YOU HAVE
Posted: Dec 19, 2009 11:59 PM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

Here's the dictionary definition:

wed⋅ding

  /ˈwɛdɪŋ/ noun 1.the act or ceremony of marrying; marriage; nuptials.2.the anniversary of a marriage, or its celebration: They invited guests to their silver wedding. 3.the act or an instance of blending or joining, esp. opposite or contrasting elements: a perfect wedding of conservatism and liberalism. 4.Business Slang. a merger.

You're married; therefore, you had a wedding. You basically eloped, but eloping IS getting married and therefore having a wedding.

Maybe you didn't get all the fancy trappings, but a wedding just requires that two people profess that they wish to be married, and it is officiated by someone who is licensed to do so. You had that.

Yes, you had a crappy home life and were willing to make serious sacrifices to be with your husband. But you did make a choice to push the wedding up, to have a civil ceremony. You could have waited--though it would have meant you made different sacrifices and different choices. I think you made the right choice, but do NOT delude yourself into believing you didn't have a wedding. You did.

Now... would I go to a celebration of you as a couple? Probably.


Misty

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kaylareve Posts : 1 Registered: 12/18/09
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 12:38 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

It was a wedding because that's how my parents got married and when my dad was telling me to not stress out and I could possibly do it that way, he said that you are just as much married getting married there as you would be with a religious ceremony. If you want to pledge your love in front of everyone, then that is cool but it's not another wedding because technically you are already married. That's just my opinion

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 2:26 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

What??? Arent you like 40? Youre a grown-ass woman, or certainly look like one in your picture. Why on earth is anyone "putting you up" or "keeping you away" from your own husband? If you are an adult, you need to start behaving like one. Your parens cannot tell you what to do , nor keep you from someone you love , unless you allow them to do those things. I think there is a lot going on here that we dont know about. It all sounds incredibly strange to me.

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 8:52 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

So you already had a wedding but it wasn't what you wanted so you want to have another wedding so that people will give you stuff? Dang.

 

Proud member and S.C.A.T. of POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....(oh yes you have)
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I get the impression that this gal's family is one of those freak cults. Truthfully, from what she's posted in the past, she sounds naive and emotionally stunted, ignorant about many of the things of this world while at the same time quite judgmental of other people's lives (I think was also the woman who didn't even kiss her fiance until they were engaged, and it was not due to the distance thing).

That she is moving to Alabama rather frightens me for a couple of reasons. Job opportunities here suck. We have a higher than the national average percentage of ninnies.

I do hope for her sake that her time of homelessness (though it does sound like she's not had to face living on the streets) has strenghtened her and given her insight into the problems others face, but I do not think it has. It almost feels like, since she's been put up by others, and now has this fully furnished apartment (probably been donated by others) she has an entitlement attitude -- probably fostered in many ways by the society she was brought up in.

Rav...get some therapy. You seriously need it.

Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: Revenwyn

I've said this before, but this OP is seriously one of the strangest people I've ever 'met' in my life.

I asked about her background back when she first started posting, and yes, her family is a bunch of religious wackos that oppress women. Obviously, she has some strange ideas. But even if I had a background like that, I think I can still confidently say that nobody would be able to 'send me' anywhere or 'keep me' from doing anything.

In any case, OP, I'm glad you have managed to get away from the oppressive family - it will probably do you good. I'd also suggest some therapy - you're in for a real culture shock, going from what you've described to the real world. Out of curiosity, how do you plan to support yourselves? From some of your earlier posts, I remember your family didn't 'let you' go to college, and you've indicated that you haven't been 'allowed' to work in the past. So you have no education or experience? What about your DH? Anything?

In terms of the wedding, I totally understand why you feel like you need a religious ceremony to be truly married in the eyes of God; however, a JOP wedding is a legal wedding. You are legally married, and married people cannot be married again unless the first marriage ends. So if you choose to have a religious ceremony, it will NOT technically be a wedding, as two married people cannot have a wedding. By all means, have a religious ceremony that will validate your marriage within your religion, but it will not be the same as a wedding, even if you dress it up like one. I understand that you had 'special circumstances' up the wazoo, but you still made the decision to get married at the JOP rather than waiting until you could have a religious wedding. That doesn't change the law - you're still married. A wedding is an event in which two unmarried people come together, exchange vows, and leave as a married couple. In your case, you're already married, so you can't have a wedding. You can have a religious ceremony to celebrate your existing marriage, or you can have a vow renewal, but your clergyperson cannot marry you, as you are already married.

Having said that, I understand why you want to have some sort of religious ceremony, so I'm going to assume that your clergyperson will perform some sort of non-legal, wedding-like ceremony. To answer your questions, I think it would be fine for you to wear a wedding dress, either white or like you mentioned, the same pattern in a different color. As far as guests and gifts go, you mentioned that your family will not be attending and that the guests would be guests at your new church. Sorry, but do you really expect people you haven't even met yet to attend the not-really-getting-married 'wedding' of two new churchmembers and give lavish gifts? I don't come from a religious tradition where it's normal to invite the whole congregation to a wedding, but when this is done, is it normal for churchmembers to give gifts? Since the OP apparently doesn't have money to buy sheets, I'm going to assume she also has no money to offer refreshments after the ceremony, so this will be strictly a church service. Do people bring gifts for that kind of wedding, even when the couple isn't already married?

To the OP: I wouldn't ask for or expect gifts. Not only are you already married, so it wouldn't be normal for guests to bring gifts, but you don't know these people yet, so expecting gifts seems pretty presumptuous. This is going to sound harsh, but if you can't afford to buy your own sheets, you have no business being married. As far as the 'wedding' goes, I would go forward with your plan to do it ASAP. Wear whatever you want, invite whomever you want, but don't expect gifts. If you get them, great. As far as your married life goes, you need to focus on getting some education or skills, finding jobs, and taking care of yourselves rather than relying on gifts for your essentials. Good luck.

Incidentally, I hope I'm not the only person smiling maniacally while perched on the edge of her seat, waiting for AOTB to weigh in on this one!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 11:00 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

No Art, you aren't the only one waiting for AOTB....

 

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: We haven't had a wedding yet....
Posted: Dec 20, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

As far as your married life goes, you need to focus on getting some education or skills, finding jobs, and taking care of yourselves rather than relying on gifts for your essentials.

Revenwyn, listen to Art's above advice. Good advice. Your marriage is important but you have a whole lot more to work on than having a wedding.

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