Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 14, 2009 6:14 PM

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a police officer. I did go through the police academy in North Carolina when I was younger but I got screwed over and went through it all for nothing.

Well latley I've been wanting to change what I do for a living. I really can't stand EMS anymore. I've applied at doctors offices since it's a quick job and might be something i'm interested in since I do enjoy the medical side of things. But with some talk from friends and fellow police officers (I'm also a 911 dispatcher) I've decided to try for the police dream again. I asked DH if he would care if I was a police officer and he siad no....

It's been about a month and i've been putting in applications here and there for a police officer. I've been talking to DH about it all the entire time. Just the other night I told him about applying for State Police and out of no where he says "Don't you have to stay the night at police academy and not come home for like 6 months or so?" I said uhm.. yes but I get to come home on the weekends (i've told him all of this many times before). He then says "no, not going to happen". I'm so shocked I can't say a damn thing I just sit there... then he says "you'd have a cow if I were out of town for that long". (he goes out of town a LOT for his work.. in fact he's away tonight). I said at least this is a one time thing then i'm home from then on out.. With him he's always out of town and will be until he's promoted or finds a better job. He had no answer and he just dropped the subject.

What am I suppose to do??? We've only been married for 4 months so i'm not really into starting a huge fight over this. But i'm just totaly shocked. He was this man who supported everything I wanted to do and would help me. Granted he's always been HORRIBLE at listaning and remembering but this was a little important....

He wants me to be a paramedic since I went to class for it for a year. But my back is so jacked up from this damn work and just the life style of EMS is getting to me. I can't handle it anymore. I swear the county I live in (which makes more money) is like high school but worse. They literally have cliques. I'm the one who doesn't fit in anywhere because I just refuse to speak badly about anyone. I don't get close to anyone and become friends.. I just don't know.. I guess I don't "fit in".

This issue on top of all the little things he's been doing is driving me NUTS. It's all gathering up and i'm about to flip out. I tried talking to DH about issues and he just does his little "I'm such a horrible husband why did you marry me? Why is it always my fault?" speach. I just stop and try to keep myself from hitting my head on the wall.
I do all the housework.... I did all the yardwork.... I have to clean the cat box.. I have to do EVERYTHING for the dog... I do EVERYTHING and yet he sometimes says I do nothing. The other night I was playing a stupid FaceBook game and picked up a sock on the game. He says "Why can you pick up a sock on the game but not in real life?" Wow I had to stop and sit there for a second.... All I do is clean!!!!!!! He does the laundry like once a month and even then doesn't EVER put the clothes up.. leaves them in the basket.


Is it possible I do TOO much and he's getting restless or something? because I mean if he asks for something he gets it. I told him the other night I was BURNING up and it was so hot (he had the little heater going). I asked him to turn something down and he says "no it's perfect... cosey".... grrrrrr We go to bed when he says so and I can't watch TV in bed because "he can't sleep".

He's a wonderful man and I love him. He's my best friend and has a good heart. But he's slightly driving me nuts. Even when it comes to sex no matter how much he gets it's NEVER enough. Now i'm getting to the point I don't want it!!!!


:(
and no we can't go to counceling... I have a thing agenst that. I actually have a thing agenst going to doctors all together unless i'm in too much pain and have to do something about it.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 14, 2009 6:44 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

IF your back is jacked up from being an EMS, I wouldn't suggest being a police officer as your next line of work. They're both equally physically grueling jobs.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 14, 2009 7:21 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I am originally from WV (Beckley) and lived in Huntington for many years also. I graduated from Marshall. I live in Charlotte now. I know that the type of work you are in is very stressful. I am a counselor (and I am just talking to you as a friend, not as a counselor) and I have had many patients come for counseling because of the stress involved in EMS, policework, etc. Any caregiving job, especially when life and death is involved can be very stressful.

If you have chronic pain issues with your back, then what do you see yourself being able to do realistically. I would encourage you to take some time to explore different career possibilities in your field of work. For example, if you went into police work, you could specialize in educating children in drug education, etc. That is just an example. What I am trying to say is, I think you can be a police officer and live your dream... you just have to be creative. Don't give up your dream.

The first year of marriage is a hard one. I was married in June (second marriage) and me and my DH are experiencing all the first year marriage arguments that are normal. Just fight fair. The two of you are learning how to live together as man and wife. All this is to be expected, but I know it can drive you nuts!

I hope this helps. I feel for you girl. Take care.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

If your back is jacked up from EMS, it isnt going to get any better being a police officer! Carrying over 10lbs of stuff on your waist and sitting in a squad car all day is bad on the back.

Its funny I kinda posted something similar a while back. It takes a lot ot get someone to support your dreams, it kinda seems as though you kinda jump around from different types of "emergency" work. Maybe he feels that you are not serious enough about this job.

I had the same problems with my husband and not helping around the house...I also did not want to go to counseling....but I went and it helped big time! I don't know what you have "against" counselors....but suck it up buttercup. If you can't handle going to a counselor to talk about marraige problems then I am not sure how you are going to pass the Psychological portion of the application process where you HAVE to talk to a psychologist. Also if you happen to be involved in a shooting you HAVE to go to a Psychologist also.

If all he is concerned about is you being "away"...then it sounds like yall have a trust issue.


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When POOP can't do it alone....they call for the ENEMA.



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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 11:24 AM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Its sounds like you have WAY more issues than just "he doesnt support my job" going on.

I think it's important in a marriage to decide what's an issue and what's not. I am a messy person. I know this, DH knows this, but yet he still wants to carry on about stupid issues like shoes in the living room. Well finally one day he woke up and realized that nagging is NOT the way to go about trying to get me to pick up after myself. So instead of nagging, he accepts it. He accepts that it's now a non-issue , not worth fightong over, and in turn when I am NOT nagged, I will pick up after myself a little better. (he actually read this in a men's health article..nagging is not the answer-- go figure)

Anyway it sounds like you're both letting everything get to you and thats just not going to work for the rest of your life. And neither of you are going to change, so you either deal with it accept it and go on with your lives, or keep fighting.

I think some counseling would also be a good thing here.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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MisterKelley Posts : 258 Registered: 7/11/08
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

What am I suppose to do??? We've only been married for 4 months so i'm not really into starting a huge fight over this.

You made it 4 months huh? Well there's another B's dot C pool I lost.

I read through your post and thern imagined what it would be like if you were armed: All the other girls in my county think I'm a bitch just because I'm hot - Blam!!! My Husband wants to bang me too much and he won't pick up his socks - Blam!! I'm sick of cleaning the cat box - Blam!! I can't deal with this F'in heater anymore - Blam!! Blam!! Blam!!

MisterKelley - Now specializing in Trainwrecks and Jackassery

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

I agree that you and DH have more issues than just your future career. I do not know what you have against counseling (or all doctors in general), but that still seems like the best route for you to take. Many of the issues that you're arguing about seem to be inherent personality traits (e.g.sloppiness vs. neatness, taking responsibility for"women's work" vs. "men's work," etc.) and a lot of these traits probably were there before marriage--as you can see, they don't change once you're married! And if you can't discuss them productively by yourselves, then having a neutral party to help out does not seem like a bad idea.

You might look into employment counseling. You seem to be attracted to "people helping" types of employment and you like the medical fields. There are many areas where you could use these skills and find satisfaction without going the police route. If you have a back problem, it's not going to get any better going through police academy. And if this career choice causes a marital rift, whether that's "fair" or not, then you have some decisions to make. A good counselor could help.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 12:08 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Hold on a second...you have a "thing" against Dr's yet you have a need to be in the medical profession somehow?! How does THAT make any sense?!


New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

If you want this marriage to work, you're going to get over your 'thing against counselors.' I'm not saying that to be mean - but from reading your post, it sounds like you guys would really benefit from seeing a counselor. So bite the bullet and get over this 'thing against counselors', or your marriage isn't going to last much longer.

To answer the original question in your thread title, it depends on what your life goals are. Some people's #1 priority in life is to have a successful marriage and family - and they get all the fulfillment they need from their home life. Others can have a wonderful marriage and family life and be miserable because they're stuck in an unfulfilling career. Which are you?

For me, it would ABSOLUTELY be worth it to fight about following my dreams. I love my husband and our marriage is great - but I'd be MISERABLE if I couldn't follow my career dreams. For me, the unhappiness about that part of my life would seep into all other parts of my life (including my marriage) and ruin everything. Career fulfillment is ESSENTIAL for me to be a happy person overall - and without it, I won't be happy with ANYTHING, including my marriage. So if I were in your shoes, I'd fight tooth and nail for my dreams, even if it meant arguments with DH.

You sound very frustrated for someone who has only been married for 4 months. Sure, people say that the first year of marriage is hard, but it's not THIS hard. The best advice I can give you is to get over your 'thing' about counseling and start working out some of these issues. The thing that concerns me most is your DH's sudden change of heart about the police training. I don't blame you for being upset about that - I'd be bullshit about it. You certainly need to have some serious talks with him - and counseling is really the most beneficial place to have talks like these, as you have a neutral party to moderate if necessary and help you ask one another the right questions. Really, no prejudice about counseling is important enough to risk your marriage - and by ignoring these issues or trying to work them out on your own, you might be ruining it. You wanted to avoid a fight, so here's your answer: have your talk about this with a counselor. You'll probably avoid the argument and have a more beneficial discussion.


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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Is a "dream" worth a fight with the FH?
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

I think a lot of people have issues with counselors because they have had bad experiences with them. As a counselor, I am the first one to admit that there are a lot of BAD therapists out there. That is why you should always check out their license, etc. and make sure you feel comfortable with them. There are GREAT counselors out there. I tend to think I am one of them. ha ha! And you are right. You are required to go to counseling when you work in certain helping careers.

Counseling is like throwing up. You really don't want to do it, but you feel better after!

Many hugs, Francie

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