I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)

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JordaninOklahoma Posts : 6 Registered: 2/8/09
I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:20 AM

Here's the details...I'll give you the condensed version in a bullet system so it's easier to read. Thank you so, so much for your help in advance. I just don't know what to do.

1. My FH proposed to me on December 30, 2008 after dating for a year, and knowing each other for 2. We don't live together, however, we either stay at my house or his house every night. He's my best friend and my biggest supporter, but there is a few things that REALLY bother me.

2. His mother had him very young, at 18. She married his dad at 18 as well, and they have been happily married for 22 years now. His mom had taken me in and made me feel like part of the family. We went shopping, have gone to get our nails done, text messaged me daily etc, I figured all was well, and she treated me so sweetly, even telling people how much she loved me.It made me feel wonderful!!

3. Flash forward to December 30th, after the proposal that she knew was going to happen (he told her 2 months prior that he was going to do it). We set a date for May 22, 2010, start looking at venues and my family invites everyone to our engagement party.

4.I invite his mom to go to a local bridal show with me and she gives me an excuse as to why she can't go. That's fine, I understand, things happen, no biggie. One night when I was in night class in February, my FH text me and told me that we needed to talk.So we talk. What about? His mother tells him that he's not getting married with a year of school left. (He's 22, I'm 20. For the May 22nd wedding, he would be 23).and insists that we don't want to be broke and such. After pouting for a little bit about having to push the wedding back, I agreed that it would be better to wait until one of us gets out of school.

5. In October this year, I go to his family reunion, and am bombarded by questions, like "when did you get engaged? When is the date set for?" His mother chimes in and says, "OH, it will be a VERY LONG engagement because I'm not going to let my son throw away his college years and get married so young like I did, and your kids did," WOW, talk about a slap in the face from someone that acted like my best friend. I saw on facebook that my FH had accepted his mom's boss' friend request (they pay for his school). and she commented, "Engaged? Your mom never told me this!! When did this happen?" Also, his mom has been talking to his ex on facebook. I know this is an informal was of communication, but supposedly his mom "hated this girl with a passion because of the way she treated his son by cheating on him and being disrespectful to the entire family." So why would she be talking to this girl? I try not to let it bother me, but that also feels like a slap in the face. I feel like she is ashamed that her son is engaged to me.

6. Months pass without setting a new date. His graduation will be May 2011, and mine will be December 2011, so I suggest a late May date, exactly a year past what it originally was. He says "we will discuss it towards the end of the year." Guess what? It's the end of the year. I'm tired of waiting. I would love to know when I can expect to walk down the aisle.

He says he can't wait to marry me, but I know his mother's opinion is harboring him.He's 23 today for crying out loud. He's a grown man, and we make decent money, and will both have college degrees within the next year/year in a half around the time a potential date could be set.

It just hurts to spend so much time with someone you love so much, and put so much in, but he won't give an exact date on what's good for him. It also makes me feel so low on the actions his mother has shown towards me in the past several months, as I have shown her nothing but kindness and respect. I KNOW she controls him, they talk 15 times a day on the phone, and she can't seem to cut the cord. I tell him that this whole ordeal about the things she has done to humiliate me, and he says, don't worry, she likes you and accepts you. But guess what, I don't feel that reciprocated. I feel like I will always be last pick to his mother. Even though he assures me that he loves me and can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me, I feel like the cord will never be cut, and that I will end up marrying his mom as well.

I know she doesn't want him to make the same mistakes that she did, but I'm not 18, neither is he, we almost have our degrees, have decent financial stability, and I'm NOT getting married because I'm pregnant. We're totally opposites, so why does she think that marrying me would make him "throw away his life?" She told me I was the best for him before our engagement...wtf...

Sorry it's so long...I'm just so frustrated and any input will help me!!

Edited by: JordaninOklahoma on Nov 25, 2009 1:21 AM

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 7:35 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

First of all, I'm sorry that you're stressing. I see two major issues here, and I think you need an outsider's perspective, which the ladies here will certainly give to you.

As far as his mom goes, try to be patient. It sounds like she thinks you're great, but she strongly doesn't want to see her son go down the same road she did. You're right that a 20-year old and 23-year old who almost have college degrees are different from a pregnant 18-year old....but from the perspective of an older person, you're not that different. Like it or not, you ARE very young, and even though it sounds like you both have the best intentions, people in their early 20s make more mistakes than older people. I agree with your FMIL that it's best to wait until you're BOTH done with college to get married. I know you're close and you don't intend to screw up now, but it happens all the time to people who have the best intentions. From what you've described, it doesn't sound to me like your FMIL hates you or doesn't feel like you're good for her son. It sounds like she's very concerned over what will be best for both of you - and honestly, I agree with her assessment of the situation.

That, however, is not the major issue here. You've mentioned that your FMIL is very influential over your FH and that she 'cannot cut the cord.' Honey, the problem isn't your FMIL - it's your FH. If he WANTED to be more independent of her, he would be. He does not have to answer the phone all 15 times that she calls him. Nor does he have to follow the advice that she's giving him. Maybe she can't cut the cord, but if he was ready, he could cut it himself. The fact that he hasn't speaks volumes.

You also mentioned that you 'feel like you'll be marrying his mother as well.' This is true. When you marry someone, you don't just marry the individual - you DO marry their family as well, so it's pretty important that you accept the family and his relationship with them. He will not magically change his relationship with his mother after the wedding. If she calls him 15 times a day now and he answers, it will continue to be a problem once you're married. And as much as you love him, that WILL drive you insane. If changes are going to be made, they need to be made NOW. More importantly, however, HE has to be the one to want that change. You cannot make him change, nor would it be wise to try to wedge yourself into this tight relationship he has with his mother. Stand aside and support him, but don't try to fight the battle for him. HE needs to want to cut the cord, or it will never get cut.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

Wow I was in the same situation a few months ago with my FMIL.
It sounds like you have already tried talking to your man about this and he keeps brushing it off. He doesn't seem to understand how much this is bothering you. Sit him down and have a serious discussion with him about how you feel about not having a date set. You shoudl also talk about what type of role he sees his mom having in his life, future decision makinig and more talk about the wedding day. Maybe having this discussion at your FH's place would be good because his mom will be there, just in a different room. Then when the two of you can come up with a game plan, you can tell his mom what you're plans are. You and your FH need to compromise though, so don't be upset if everything doesn't exactly work out your way. The important thing is that you and your FH are on the same page and that you stand together. What the two of you discuss, is what needs to happen, your FH cannot allow himself to be influenced by his mother anymore. It will just continue to make you upset down the line, I know this from experience. Goodluck and just make sure that you and your FH are on the same page.

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 9:56 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

I agree with ArtBride, and I want to add why I agree.

I got married when I was 24 years old and still a college student. Even though I have a good job, I'm still determined to finish my degree.

Anywho, I took a break from school to plan my wedding, get married, and settle into married life. Well, the semester I am set to go back, I get pregnant. My doctor didn't want me doing too much, it was either school or work. Well, you can guess which one I chose to temporarily give up. Yup, you guessed it, school.

Fast forward to the present, yes I am happily married with a beautiful baby, but I could have been finished with school by now, had I waited to get married. Do I regret my decision, absolutely not! However, if I can reach out to someone, I would encourage them to go ahead and their degree. It is hard working, attending class, doing homework, feeding the baby, playing with the baby, changing diapers, doing her and our laundry, cooking, cleaning, having time for my hubby, and having time for myself. Yes my husband helps, but you know we woman are! LOL

Again, I don't regret my decision, it was just easier going to school with just me to take care of. I don't think your FMIL has bad intentions, she's just looking out for her child, and she is going to do that regardless of him being married or single.

I believe you need to talk to your FH and let him know to set a date, or get the hell on. He can stand up to his mother, IF he disagrees with her views.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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paralegal05 Posts : 116 Registered: 3/19/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 10:15 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

Everyone has given you great advice. I want to also touch on what Diva said. This will be my second marriage. I got married very young with my first marriage. We had great jobs and were financially stable too. However, I never went to college and after having two children I decided I wanted to go and get an education. It was very hard trying to manage a marriage, school, and a family. Now I know you are not pregnant and you will be done with school soon but what I am trying to say is you two are happy and you know you are getting married just not as soon as you might want. Enjoy your time together and do not let his mom ruin your happiness.

However, have a talk with your FH about some of the issues you are having with his mom. He is going to be your biggest support and maybe together you can come up with a solution.


Edited by: paralegal05 on Nov 25, 2009 10:16 AM

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 10:25 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

Well I think you need to take a step back for a minute. I dont think there is any rush to get married. Believe me. I know it sounds so exciting but I think you should try to enjoy this time of your life as much as possible. Not that being married isnt enjoyable, but there is a lot that comes with it.

And I think FMIL has good intentions. She may not be going about it the right way. However I work with a few younger people, your age, and I have made a good friend who is about 22. He always says how he wants to drop out of school and work FT. And as an older person, who did the same exact thing, I have to talk him out of it on a weekly basis. Only because I was in his shoes and I know what a mistake it would be. So it seems like she may want you both to realize what CAN happen. It doesnt mean it's going to but it's a possibility.

As for the whole cutting the cord thing, I agree w/ Artbride. Thats ALL your FH. If he doesnt WANT to be bothered like that, then it's up to him to change it. It's not going to change b/c you tell him to. He has to want the change.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

I can understand why you feel stressed out about this. The other ladies are right, there are several things to consider in this situation.

1. Try not to take your FMIL's behavior personally. It does sound like she is controlling and I can see where that gets on your nerves. But I tend to think her actions aren't about not liking you, it is about wanting what is best for her son. You want to do everything you can to maintain the good relationship you have had with her. The last thing you need is a FMIL you don't get along with. The relationship between Mother and DIL is a very delicate one. My son is getting ready to get engaged and I stay out of their business. I embrace and love my FDIL and I don't try to make any decisions for them. They are the same age as you. That is what your FMIL SHOULD be doing. But, there are lots of Mother's out there who like to be the boss.

2. Your FH MUST stand up to his Mother NOW! He must start making his own decisons and he must start standing up for both of you. If he doesn't do it now, then he never will. And she will make decisions about your first baby, your first house, your first everything! She will always try to control your lives and that needs to stop now.

3. I would advise you to stop looking for things to be upset about (like her talking to his ex). Instead, do everything you can to nurture the relationship you have with your FMIL. Have a heart to heart talk with your FH. The two of you may consider talking to a minister or a pre-marital counselor. It may help to get these issues on the table.

I hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

I agree with....well, everybody. And I will echo Francie in saying that you shouldn't take MIL's actions personally. It sounds like she likes you and that her issue is really just that she wants her son to finish school.

I'm sorry, but in spite of examples of cool people like DivaBride who get married while still in school but are living their lives just fine, if my son or daughter ever comes to me while still in college and says they want to get married and the date is set for before their graduation date, I will strooonngly encourage them to wait until they graduate. Because why not? It's not that much longer. What's the rush? You'd be done with school, have one less thing to worry about while planning your wedding and starting your life together as well as starting a new work life.

FH's relationship with his mom: whole different issue. And he may be like he is with her forever--easily influenced--or it may be because of his youth. That will be hard to determine right now. I think you should have an honest conversation with him about how all this is affecting you, but maybe you should also encourage him to talk about what HE really wants rather than him trying to figure out who he'd rather be influenced by, you or his mom, since it could turn into that. If that makes sense. He needs to figure out what he wants and stand strong on that.

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Happy, my mother strooongly encouraged me to wait, but I didn't, because at 24, I was an adult who makes her own decisions.

If Jordin wants to get married at 24 while still in college, I would offer my input as well, but it's her final decision whether to adher or not.




 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

Diva, good point. And like I said, you're an example of how things turned out just fine.

But I was trying to emphasize to the OP to not take her MIL's actions personally because I think there are a lot of parents who would feel the way I said I would personally feel.

And how strong the conversation I had with my child would certainly be affected by whether I was putting my son or daughter through school or whether they were a self-supporting adult. But even if they were self-supporting, I'd still have the conversation with them anyway.

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JordaninOklahoma Posts : 6 Registered: 2/8/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 30, 2009 7:19 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Thank you so much ladies for all of your perspectives and input. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me.

I agree with all of you in some way.

I agree that my FH Mark should step up and stand up to his mother on some level. I don't expect him to make her feel bad or unimportant, as I know that she is his mother, the one who gave birth to him when she was practically a baby herself, and stayed home with him every day until he started school. I understand that bond. However, he is 23 years old, and he should be able to step up and stand up for what he wants to do.

Another thing, I wasn't kidding when I said that they call each other 15 times a day. Here's an example: Black Friday. We were going shopping with her (have every year, as she is crazy and fierce and will jump through hoops to get what she wants. Seriously, she has talent). We stayed the night at his apartment, and were going back to my house so I could change, grab my money, etc. She was meeting us in our town (hers doesn't have much shopping), and she calls SIX times in 45 minutes to ask where we were and how much longer. I understand once or twice..but SIX? I finally said to him "why do you guys feel the need to call eachother fifteen times a day. You should get walkie talkies." That was kinda crappy of me to say, I know, but it's frustrating. He said, "I didn't even realize that we talked that much because she is like my friend." And this past weekend, the calls significantly dropped in number. I guess he really didn't realize it.

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 30, 2009 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

Well I'm really glad that you said something. It souds like your FH got the point and realized that it's time to cut the cord himself. Congratulations and I wish you nothing but the best!

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Nov 30, 2009 8:29 PM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

Well I'm really glad that you said something. It souds like your FH got the point and realized that it's time to cut the cord himself. Congratulations and I wish you nothing but the best!

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Dec 2, 2009 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: JerseyGirlVA

I'm sorry but i'm going to be another who says wait until you're done with school!! I had my last test the weekend before my wedding and I swear I was about to LOSE IT!!! It's SO hard trying to do all your finals and keep up with school and try to get your wedding done the way you want it. Things WILL go wrong no matter how much time you take prepping! Granted I was working full time, school full time, and clinicals just about every day so I was stretching it thin... BUT having so much on your mind is a bad bad thing.
My wedding day I was happy it was here but I just wanted it to be over with!! I wanted to marry my love, get some great pics, then go home and relax!! Our wedding was ALMOST 2 hours long I mean for EVERYTHING lol.

I'm happy to be married but there is absoultly nothing different now. Well my last name... which still gets me from time to time... and I now have his health insurance which is nice.. but as far as our relationship it's exactly the same.
I now just have two damn dresses in my closet i'd love to get rid of... lol

http://www.ezticker.com/ticker/1642/214/20090829/our+wedding/ticker.png

True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: I Really Need Some Fiance/FMIL advice!!! Please help. :)
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 12:34 AM Go to message in response to: JordaninOklahoma

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