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Mentally Preparing for Marriage

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Rose217 Posts : 475 Registered: 8/9/08
Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 11:46 AM

I didn't really know where to put this topic but here works...

I've been thinking about marriage (not weddings) a lot lately and I want to be prepared. I've heard that "things change" after the wedding but I'm not really sure what that means. I'm not even sure I have a clearly defined question in this post, but I think what I'm looking for is advice on how to mentally prepare, kind of like pre-marriage counseling for one. Does that make sense? Thanks for any advice.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Well I'll tell you that I didnt notice anything different until after the 1 yr mark. Thats kinda when everything settles down and you're living your "real" life. For us, we bought a house about 6 months after we got married so a good chunk of our first yr of marriage was taken up with house stuff and excitement. Then after that it all settled down and things got a little boring. So you really have to work at keeping things interesting. Even when it's boring. Normally for me, when things get boring, I walk away, but you can't when you're married. So it really is like a second job.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , central_new_jersey
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SoontobeMrsGlover Posts : 79 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Rose, GREAT POST! I too have some of the same thoughts/wonders. And I apolgize for stepping in on your post, but I'd like to piggy back on your question....

NJ, did you and you spouse live together before you were married? The reason I'm asking is becuase my fiance and I do. So, I was wondering how much it changes after you get married even if you already live together.

october_2008 , maui_lanai_molokai , october_2010 , central_new_jersey
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: SoontobeMrsGlover

Yup, we lived together for about 6 months before we got married. So I didn't notice a change afterwards in regards to that. Honestly, I didnt notice a change when we did move in with each other either.

I think it just takes a good year for you to get on each other's nerves!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , maui_lanai_molokai , october_2010 , central_new_jersey
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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: SoontobeMrsGlover

NJ is right. For the first year of my marriage, I was pregnant. Now that I have given birth, we are settling into married life with a baby. The challenge now is keeping our marriage strong and our sex life healthy!

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

september_2008 , october_2008 , maui_lanai_molokai , georgia , october_2010 , central_new_jersey
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Rose, it's different for everybody. From talking to other married people, it seems like with the people I know personally, they're divided between the people for whom things changed for the better--as in, they felt even more committed and like a family--and people for whom things didn't change at all. (And of course I know there are the people out there for whom things change for the worse, but I guess all my friends have been lucky so far.)

Things didn't change for us for more than a year, and we lived together for 6 months before getting married. But even with the changes, it's pretty much been a mix of mostly small changes--some for better, some for worse. More than a year after we got married, we bought a condo and moved, and we were both so stressed out during moving week that that was the first time we both intensely disliked each other--and ourselves, actually--temporarily. So that was one big shift, but temporary. But now that we're settled, there are other good fun changes, like cooking together more and figuring out what each other likes food-wise.

I also got pregnant pretty much right after we moved in, so things have been a mixture of the excitement of getting ready for the baby, but also some boredom like NJ said. I don't find DH boring at all, but I'm finding I'm going to need to develop some more indoor and outdoor hobbies, like joining a book club, taking out the sewing machine and getting more proficient at using it, etc. Because his idea of relaxation is the TV, and half the time I like joining him and other times I'm too restless for it, and if I don't work on having stuff to do....it will be me, him and the TV. Booooring.

So it's nice to be settled with each other and in our new home, but gotta go out and get me some spice, too. I've sort of rambled, but hope this helped.

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march_2008 , southern_california
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Yea I agree w/ Happy. It's not that DH is boring, he's not. But I think the mundane-ness of being married and having a routine gets, well, mundane if you're not careful. Over this past summer, things really started getting to me. We never did anything together and started preferring spending time with friends alone, rather than with each other. So it's important to come up with plans and ideas of things to do together to give yourselves something to do. I think this is something that comes up in a relationship that you only see after you are married for a while. While you are dating, everything is pretty exciting, normally. There is always something to do, somewhere to go. But when you boil it down to "real" life, its kinda boring!

For us, we like to brainstorm different trips to take and plan them out. This past weekend we spent the night in NYC and just acted like tourists and it was fun to do something like that together. With cell phones OFF!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , march_2008 , southern_california , central_new_jersey
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MrsLizSteplowsk... Posts : 81 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 25, 2009 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

DH and i lived together about 10 months before we got married i moved in with him because i had a baby. The only thing that really changed when we got married was we got closer and we lost a lot of our single friends Dunno why but whatever, other then that our relationship has grown and our sex life is better then it was bfore.

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new_mexico , june_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 26, 2009 1:33 AM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Dear Rose,

Things change in every aspect of life as you grow up.

How did you handle the transition from elementary school to middle school and then senior high school? How did you handle moving out of your parents' house into your own place?

Were you able to take these kinds of life-changing events in stride? Or were those transitions difficult?

Those are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself.

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 659 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 28, 2009 9:08 AM Go to message in response to: Rose217

This is a good question for me to answer I think. I'm someone who really puts A LOT of thought into things. I'm also a huge planner, and I tend to have high expectations. I thought that married life was going to be continuous newlywedism for the first year. I thought it was going to be completely full of not being able to keep our hands off of each other, excitement, and lots of sweet romantic words.

Why I thought this? I don't know. Probably society. We lived together for 6 months before we were married, so I don't know why I expected things to change so much.

In relation to living together, not much has changed at all. DH still wants to watch football all the time and I still have to ask him something 10 times to get him to answer me while its on. Our sex life hasn't changed. It did for a couple of weeks, but then went back to normal. For the first week or so after we were married, DH was sweeter, more kissy/huggy. Then we went back to work (nights), so the normal tiredness of that kicked back in. Things are just back to normal now, & we've not even been married 2 months.

However, what has changed for the positive. We are so content. It just feels better. DH agrees. When I ask him what has changed, he says it just feels right, things just feel better. We feel like a family now. He treats me more as the top priority than he did before. He no longer drops everything when his family calls. Thanksgiving with each of our families felt more comfortable. Because I'm not so stressed and completely consumed with wedding planning, I'm doing a lot more cooking, which we both enjoy me doing. DH has even cooked dinner twice, even though I had to tell him exactly what to do the entire time haha.

As someone above mentioned, it does get boring though, and you have to work to find things to do. Where we live, there is absolutely nothing to do besides going to the movies, and that gets old pretty fast. So right now we are going to eat at new places. We are also planning a trip to Mexico (honeymoon #2). We leave next week, so that is exciting. We are looking to buy a house, so that will be exciting when we finally can.

I think it is harder for me than him, because he is content just sitting on the couch watching TV or playing the Xbox. I need to be more social. He still goes and spends the night with his friends on occasion too, but its normally a night that I work. I however, have only got to see one friend since the wedding for a short dinner. My friends are just in different steps in their lives, so its hard to find as much to do as we used to. Only 2 of us are married, 1 is busy planning a wedding and going to school, 2 are working full time and going to school full time, and 1 is just completely consumed with school and doesn't really want to focus on much more. So me being lonely when DH is @ work has been a problem. I'm trying to meet new people who are at the same spot in life as me, but I'm young (21) so I'm having a hard time with that. I'm graduated, in a good stable career, & married...which isn't all that common for my age, especially where I live.

Basically the some of all this, find a hobby lol.

I don't know what my hobby is going to be. I can't sew. You can only cook so much and I don't want to make DH gain 1000 lbs lol. I'm not into gardening. I don't want to put time and money into decorating this house we are renting because we want to move to our own house. Once I get wedding pics I'll scrapbook those, but you can only scrapbook so much.

I think I'm now going to start a new thread asking what everyone's hobby is so I don't hijack yours...

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 28, 2009 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Dear WWB,

It is my opinion that things don't change all that much for most couples when they get married. Many are already having sex, and are either living together full time or spending lots of nights together.

The true change is not in when the marriage begins, but when it ends. All marriages end. By death or divorce all marriages end, eventually.

Your status at the point where the marriage ends makes a HUGE difference. If it's by divorce, then the two have to settle with each other, and go to an impartial judge, before they can move on with their lives. If it's by death, then the survivor spouse has rights that a GF/BF would not have.

Knowing that you have certain rights and responsibilites makes a difference in the long run. In your everyday life, not a lot will change.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Nov 28, 2009 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Good question! I think the answer is different for every couple, but it's nice to hear other people's experiences, so you know a variety of things to look out for.

For us, there wasn't a sudden change, though if I compare our relationship now to what it was when we were dating or engaged, it IS different. We had been together for 7 years before getting engaged, engaged for a year, and then married at about our 8-years together mark. And we had lived together for about 6 months before the wedding. Before that, we were living in separate cities (long distance) for a few years, pursuing individual opportunities.

Moving in with someone is a HUGE change, so if you don't live together before the wedding, expect that to be a challenge. Combining finances is also a challenge, so if you intend to do that, expect an adjustment period (it took us over a year to adjust to sharing financial responsibilities - and we still get on each others nerves at times about money). If you haven't been close with one another's families, expect the first year to be difficult, especially when it comes to the holidays. This was not a problem for us, as we'd been spending holidays together for years (it also helps that our parents live near one another, so it's easy to see everybody in one trip). Obviously, if you're planning on making other major changes around the same time, such as buying a house right away or having a baby, expect that to be an adjustment, too.

Personally, I haven't found marriage to be a difficult adjustment at all - but that is the only major life change I've made lately. We live in the same place, work the same jobs, and nobody's pregnant. We haven't been forced to change quickly, so it's been a gradual change and I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't stopped to compare now to a couple years ago. And while we've been through normal life stress since we've been married, nothing catastrophic has happened, and it hasn't been anything worse than what we went through before being married. So, for me, there weren't any shocking changes, though our relationship HAS changed gradually.

NJ mentioned life getting mundane and having to work to keep it interesting. I've never had a problem with life or marriage getting mundane. There's always something interesting going on or something to look forward to. But I guess that probably depends on the person - I happen to enjoy my day-to-day life very much, so maybe someone else would define it as 'the daily grind,' but I look at it as new and interesting challenges. And as far as our relationship goes, we've never really had to work to keep it interesting. It evolves naturally - but there's always SOMETHING going on. It's never boring.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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Rose217 Posts : 475 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Dec 1, 2009 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thank you for all of the responses. I really value the different perspectives everyone has, which is the conclusion I'm drawing from this thread: every marriage is different. Be vigilant in maintaining a relationship with your husband and things should be alright. FH and I have great communication, so I'm not too worried about navigating the transistion to marriage together.







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Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 3:44 AM Go to message in response to: Rose217

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Re: Mentally Preparing for Marriage
Posted: Sep 21, 2012 2:09 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

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