Not sure how to handle this

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 1:31 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Mandy - regarding your last comment...I don't think it's crazy at all. I can relate, except about the opposite viewpoint. I strongly wanted kids. Had my husband changed his mind, and counselling didn't help, and he decided that he was never ever going to have kids - then we would have divorced. Because I would have been more miserable not being a mother than I would have been not being his wife. I don't think that makes me horrible.

And for you...of course you have to stick to your guns! You are smart enough to know yourself, and to know that having a child you don't want is NOT a good situation to be in (for anyone involved). I wish you the best of I've said to Mush in other posts, I don't envy your situation!
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker


NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 9:35 AM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Hey Mandy. I know this has been an on going thing with you. And I also know that ever since I've been on this board, that has been your stance. So I'm glad you are sticking to it and staying true to yourself.

I never had that "Calling" to be a mom. And I was always worried I'd only have kids b/c society says thats what you're supposed to do! However I do know that after 2 yrs of being married and 5 yrs of being together that we're ready for soemthing "more". And thats a baby. But I still dont have the "i need to be a mom" thing going on. in fact, it scares the shit out of both of us!

Anyway, this might be what Vance is going through. Maybe he is just getting the feeling of the "next step". It's a weird feeling. Maybe you need to travel more or something like that. But this is definitely going to take a lot of talking out.

Is this a total deal-breaker for you?

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em


08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I never had that "Calling" to be a mom.

NJ, I never had that calling either, until I became a mom. I always thought I didn't want kids, but I grew up and changed my mind. Now Jordin is the light of my life, besides the hubby.

Do I encourage everybody who doesn't have kids to have them? Hell no! LOL Everybody is different. I commend adults who decide not to have kids and stick with it despite what society thinks.

To Mandy: What a sticky situation to be in, because there is no compromise. I hope you guys can get back on the same page.

 Lilypie - (8e8A)


NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 11:11 AM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

Divabride--Right, it's weird. It's like I know I want kids and can see myself with them, but I dont have that dying need to be a mom like I hear some women talk about.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em


HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

NJ--Right there with ya. If I weren't in my late 30s already I would've waited at least 5 more years to have a kid. Terrified to do it, plus a bunch of other stuff I wanted to do first.

Mandy, best of luck with your situation and keep us posted. I do hope you and Vance are able to work this out and stay together--happily.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Myra and AOTB are right - you can't compromise on this. It will boil down to whether he thinks being with you is more important than his desire to have kids. (I recently read a great book called Baby Proof by Emily Giffen. It's fictional, and funny and heart-warming, and it's about exactly the situation you describe. They agree to not have kids. He changes his mind. She's pissed. And, by the way, so is he. I probably shouldn't tell you that the couple ends up getting divorced.)

People change their minds. People re-negotiate their relatinships. Even men who get snipped can get the procedure reversed. (You really don't want to have kids? Get your tubes tied. That's not reversible.)

Look, at 29 I didn't want to have kids, didn't think I ever would. At 30 I didn't either. Nor at 31, or at 32. Now, I'm 33, and I've changed my mind. Some calculation changed - where I once looked at kids and thought of everything I'd give up, I now look at them and think it just might be worth it. And by the way, I'm not maternal in the least. (The last time a child asked me to play with him, I offered him a dollar instead.)

While we'd sometimes like to believe that marriage is a contract, and once the certificate is signed the terms are set, the truth is that people change in ways that can't always be predicted. I doubt he saw this coming any more than you did when you got married. So your only question is, where do we go from here? Good luck.


"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson


MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Ladies thanks for all the replies and support.

NJ, yes this is a deal breaker. I know there is the chance that I may change my mind in the future but the way I feel has been this way for years that I just can't see it happening any time soon. And if I do change my mind and Vance has moved on then it is my own damn fault!

Birdlover, I'm glad you don't think I am crazy! I was just thinking that it would be horrible to lose my husband over something like this......but again I know I have to be happy and of course he makes me happy but having a kid would not.

Mrs. D, what do you think made you change your mind and think having a kid wouldn't be so bad? How does your DH feel?

I brought this up again with him and he tried to laugh it off. I told him we seriously need to talk and he said that because there are so many kids around it just got him thinking. He doesn't want the option to be 100% closed. I told him that it has always been 100% closed and he knew that because I made this very, very clear. I again went over the reasons why I don't want children with him. He said he is fine with it, he just wanted to talk about it.

I think he is just trying to avoid a massive fight because I was getting so worked up when we talked about this. We may have to revisit this again.


TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Birdlover, I'm glad you don't think I am crazy! I was just thinking that it would be horrible to lose my husband over something like this

Mandy I think that risking your marriage over something you believe in is far saner than giving birth to a child you aren't sure you want. Some women will hold onto that relationship no matter what, and their children will pay for it. Right now the pain and confusion is between you and your husband and it shouldn't be shared with a child. Maybe down the line you will change your mind or maybe your husband will be fully committed in his desire for a child and you will have to decide then. There are also some alternatives available if you wait - adoption, foster parents, mentoring. Perhaps your husband should do some volunteering with kids to test how strong this impulse is. It might make him feel he really wants a child and it also make him feel like being an uncle or volunteering or some other alternative might be enough for him. I know Big Brothers is always looking. I was a Big Sister and it was the most fulfilling experience of my life. But I still don't want kids!


Elflet Posts : 5 Registered: 11/18/09
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance


It occurs to me, reading through your post and all the other prev. ones in this thread, that perhaps Vance just wants to have an impact on someone's life.

That's a bad way to say the thought in my head but I can't really verbalize it. Wants to make a difference, leave an imprint, yada yada.

Maybe you could talk to him about the Big Brother/Big Sister program. If he truly wants kids, then that might be a good "trial" (I use the term VERY loosely) so he (and you, if you wanted) can have that feeling that comes with really helping someone.

If nothing else, you'd brighten one child's life!
You can never get too much Wicked Clown Love


cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 7:23 PM Go to message in response to: Elflet

I have no idea if Vance would want that, but I do know, that when my son was 7 I tried to get him in it. He waited 4 years, no one available. The one guy who DID become available, then changed his mind because I had been a physically abused wife. You better believe it's a good thing I didn't have his contact information. What a prick. He had met my son too, and that was just heart breaking. I didn't tell him, but he wondered and I said the guy had not been approved to BE a big brother, they didn't think he was good enough. Don't know if he ever believed it, but there is a SEVERE shortage of men. There are a lot of women, big sisters, but barely any men.

As far as the other decision, there is no right or wrong, only what is right for you. No one should be guilted into doing either one. And it would be way worse to have a baby if you don't want a baby. I wish you the best; this is an area whre there just isn't any compromise.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People


JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 23, 2009 7:52 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Good for you for staying true to yourself. You have been nothing but honest with him since you first met, he should see and respect that. Kids are a huge responsiblity and something that not everyone desires or is comfortable taking on. I am honest and firm when I discuss that I do not want children as well. Goodluck Mandy!


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 24, 2009 1:53 AM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Dear Mandy,

" I think your sons are around the same generation that I grew up in - we were taught to call elders Mr. and Mrs and speak and behave respectfully. I don't think the teens of today got the same memo as we did."


Someone taught you and other kids to behave respectfully. Teaching kids is a repetitive task. You don't just tell some kid once "Be nice". No, it's every day, repeating the rules, modeling good behavior, pulling the kid (bodily) out of an explosive situation, etc.

It's constant.

The kids who don't get the memo are kids whose parents let them, essentially, raise themselves.

This is why, in my opinion, it is so important to actually want kids, want the repetition and sacrifice, before deciding to go ahead and conceive a child. It's an intensely personal decision.

(Also, and I speak from experience, ask yourself what would you do if your "only" child is a multiple.)

You don't want kids. Great. More power to you. I'm all for people who don't want kids not having them. Fewer disrespectful, disoriented kids in the world.

Unfortunately, your husband seems to be in a process of rethinking. This might be just a phase. He might think it through and say "No, that's not for me."

But, if he cannot deny that basic desire of human life, to reproduce, then there is no halfway point. No compromise. I'm sorry to have to say that, but that's Reality.

I urge you to get into marital counseling. You don't want to go 20, 30 years into the future with a husband who resents you for denying his deep-seated wish for a child.


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 24, 2009 2:54 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I am a Big Sister.

I would absolutely NOT recommend it as a "trial run" for ANYTHING.

When you chose to become a Big Brother or Sister, you should do so with the intention of sticking with that kid for the rest of their childhood/until they are no longer interested/until they move away - whatever. NOT as a temporary thing. It is heartbreaking to the kids who lose their "Bigs" over and over again because they get different interests.

The situation with my little sister drives me absolutely mental, but I stick with her because I made the commitment.

I realize that is slightly off-topic, but I don't like when these relationships are treated like something so casual. And I realize that it's possible no one was saying that, but just in case...there are my thoughts.

Maybe wait a few days before you talk to your husband again? See if you can confirm whether he REALLY "gets it" that kids ARE off the table 100%? You know, it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to him about getting your tubes tied. Might force him to take the conversation seriously, just in case he isn't! Then you can have it resolved and maybe be more relaxed!

Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker


Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 24, 2009 7:46 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Mandy, what would you do if you accidently got preggo? My co-worker (giving birth as I type) got pregnant taking BC. She took a medicine that didn't have a warning about lowering the effectiveness of BC. My other co-worker got pregnant on the Nuva Ring. It slipped down and a bit, just enough to make the dosage lower and she gave birth last week. So, just two good examples of how nothing (besides no sex or being fixed) is 100% bullet proof.

DH asked me the above. I told him I was changing our names to Mary and Joseph if that happened.

wedding ticker

10/3/09 5K for heart and stroke disease    2/21/10 half marathon for breast cancer 


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 24, 2009 8:12 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover


That is an excellent point. Being a big brother/big sister isn't like joining an election campaign, where you can drop out if you get bored, lose interest, etc. This is a major commitment to someone who really needs SOMEONE/ANYONE to show them that they are worth that commitment. Many times, everyone else in their life has already disappointed them over and over in that department. They don't have someone else. That this person is someone who technically doesn't have to do it, who is doing it out of love, is not related, that makes a huge difference to know that someone out there cares for them just because.

I got a sense of that when Cyndi mentioned that her son's big dumped him (and she was right...he was not good enough to be a big brother!).

A good trial run would be to teach Sunday School for one year at your church, if they do it that way, or volunteer in the day care for a couple of months. My mother volunteered me to teach Sunday School when I was 17. That cemented my decision about children. (I always hated babysitting, why would she think I'd want to spend a year teaching 5 year olds...just because SHE did.). At the end of the year I told her that if she volunteered "Us" to do it again, she'd be doing it alone as she had not consulted me the first time. I honored HER commiting me to it...once. And I told her I would not do it again, and there was no discussion on this. (I still kinda resent her for doing this without so much as asking whether I was interested or willing. That's a major volunteer commitment without so much as a "by your leave")



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