Not sure how to handle this

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 20, 2009 5:44 PM

Vance and I have been together for 9 years, married for almost 3. I have known him since grade 9, he was my best guy friends best friend but he moved and we didn't really talk. But since I had known him for a few years before we got together I felt completley comfortable opening up to him when we first started dating.

I have always known I didn't want children, I knew it just wasn't in the cards for me. I have always had a very active social life and have always been career driven and just didn't see myself being a mom. My mom told me when I was 6 I told her I wasn't having kids, and I remember getting into a big fight with my high school sweet heart because I told him I didn't want kids too.

Anyways, after Vance and I had been dating for about a month I brought the topic of children up, in my mind there was no point even dating someone who for sure wanted kids. I told him exactly how I felt, almost sort of expecting him to say he wanted kids (because it seems like almost everyone does) and to my surprise (happy surprise!) he said he felt the same and gave the same reasons as I did. I was thrilled and we dated for 6 years before we got married so I could finish school.

Lately everyone I know is having kids, all my friends I grew up with are pregnant or have kids and Vance has been talking about children more and more. My birthday was a few weeks ago (I turned 29) and he asked me if I was still 100% on not having kids and I said yes. He also made some jokes about my eggs getting old and us running out of time. I asked him what he meant by all this and he said he wasn't so sure anymore, he may want a child one day.

I am really upset, I have been 100% completely honest about my feelings about this from the start, even telling him I could not even date someone who for sure wanted children because it would be a waste of our time and now he is thinking of changing his mind. I am worried about what this may mean for our relationship, I don't feel like this is a topic you can compromise on, it is too big of an decision.

Any ideas on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 20, 2009 7:29 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

This is a tough one, since it's not an area where you can compromise--you can't have half a kid or decide to parent part time. People do change, and guys can feel the old biological clock ticking too. It comes down to priorities--will Vance want to have a child/children more than wanting to preserve your marriage? Will you give in and have a child or two, just to please him? Might you see your own priorities changing now or some time in the future? I guess the best thing is just to be honest. You've always been up front about not wanting kids. He's changing the rules of the game. If he's going to have severe regrets later about not having children, then you two need to deal with the issue now. Perhaps a marriage counselor can help you to sort this through.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 20, 2009 8:47 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Mandy, people are going to start to suspect I'm you or you're me and we're the same person posting as two. You should really check out the last couple of pages on 'Preggo or just curious' thread in Married Life. I was just discussing this over there with the preggos/mommies.

I told DH on our first date I didn't want kids. We had this discussion post engagement/pre marriage. I turned 28 last month. I swear to God if he has gone into mommy and daddy mode. I never call myself mom to my cats. I love my cats. I'm their owner, their BFF, and caretaker. I didn't birth them. I told him knock it off. Due to health complications recently, I'm off BC pills for a while. When I remind him we need to use other BC methods, he literally frowned at me like I told he could no longer eat ice cream or watch football ever again.

It's weird. It freaks me out. About a month and 1/2 ago, I asked him if he needed to have kids to keep our marriage healthy, life long, and FAITHFUL. He asked me what I meant. I told him based on some of his comments that I felt like we were headed in different parent directions. He said he just didn't like the idea of the offer being 100% off the table. PISSED! Oh, I was pissed! I told him he needed to think about it because if he had to have kids he needed to find a new wife. I stormed off, acted childish, and we've only half-heartedly tried to discuss it since then.

I think that he has baby toddler fever. I don't think he's wrapping his mind around the fact that these cute bright eyed children turn into asshole middle schoolers. The middle schooler then becomes a confused teenager who then starts driving your car, skipping school to smoke pot, and blows off college to get married. lmao Everyone loves toddlers. Not everyone loves a teenager. If they did, there wouldn't be so many of them wasting away unable to find a foster/adoption family. However, people will kill to adopt ANY child under the age of 6.

I think we should get both of them involved with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Then we'll see who can handle being a parent. I've worked with kids or donated time to help kids all my life. I'm comfortable with someone who's tough to love. Dh....not so much.

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 9:37 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Myra thanks for the advice. I can tell you that I am not willing to compromise on this topic, I have no desiere to have children and since I am 29 I really don't see that changing any time soon. I'm not sure if we are marriage counselling ready because we just started talking about this and I don't know how serious Vance is.

Mushaboo, that is funny, I just read your comments in the 'preggo or just curious' thread and you do sound like me.

I also talked to Vance about the kid situation after he proposed too, just to make sure we were still on the same page and he of course said yes. I can't tell you how many times I checked with him because I was afraid of something like this happening.

I haven't had a serious talk with him yet, he has been saying these comments in a joking manner but I still think there is some truth behind it. I think he is just seeing all our friends having kids and now he wants one. And I 100000% agree with you on the comments about the middle schoolers and that is a big reason why I don't want children. Of course everyone loves toddlers, they are adorable. I have two neices and I love them to pieces. I also have a few 'neices and nephews' from my friends. It's funny because every time we visit we have fun but every time we leave we joke about how it's great to be able to leave and be able to sleep in, spend our money on things we want and go out at the drop of a hat, lol. And listening to my friends complain about their husbands and boy friends lack of help makes me angry. I know kids are not in my future.

The thing is I do like children but I just don't have the patience to have my own.

So in all seriousness, if your DH did come to you one day and said he 100% needed to have a child, what would you do?

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Ladies,

"cute bright eyed children turn into asshole middle schoolers. The middle schooler then becomes a confused teenager who then starts driving your car, skipping school to smoke pot, and blows off college to get married."

Not necessarily.

We had our difficulties with our children, like any others, but looking back they were tons of fun.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 10:30 AM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Dear Mandy,

In a nutshell, Vance is possibly in the process of changing his mind. People do that. They change as they get older. What was important at 20 is no longer that important at 30.

I've seen others change radically in regards to having children. I, personally, wan't all that interested, then agreed to have an "only" child. I gave birth to twins.

Being the mother of my twins has been a real roller coaster. Many times I said "What have I done?", but I still get double the hugs and double the kisses. Now, as young adults, I'm very proud of them. They are wonderful people. They support themselves and are best friends and roommates.

Back to Vance.

As Myra said, there's no compromise here. You can't have half a kid nor can you parent part time. It's all or nothing.

The desire to have a child or not have a child is deep seated. If Vance decides that having a child is more important to him than staying married to you and not having a child, then there's not a lot you can do about it. You can't exactly encourage him to go out and have an affair, then let him be a father to the kid conceived in the affair.

My suggestion is to go in for marriage counseling. Explore your feelings, both of you, in a neutral supportive environment. Then make an informed decision as to what comes next. If splitting up is in the cards, so Vance can find and marry a woman who wants kids, then it's best to do that sooner rather than later. That gives you more time to find a man who is like minded with you.

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JessyNChris Posts : 120 Registered: 4/3/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

I am like you. I told my mother when I was 9 that I wasn't going to have kids. I'm also 29 years old. I just don't see my self having kids. Chris don't want kids either.
I think that people don't really think about having kids really means. All they see is how cute the babies are, and not that they will grow up. Or that you have to raise them.
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: JessyNChris

I think that people don't really think about having kids really means.
All they see is how cute the babies are, and not that they will grow
up. Or that you have to raise them.

And I think that just as ignorant as someone else telling someone that since they don't have kids or want them then they don't know what they are missing - making the assumption that they are missing something. I think that's rude to do and I want kids. But I don't criticize others for not wanting them. Everyone needs to live their own life.

OP - I hope you are able to talk to your DH and get on the same page. I know that I want to have kids. My DH and I discussed it and he wants kids too.

IF he changed his mind, I'd be in the EXACT same spot you seem to be finding yourself. And I don't know what I would do - again it's not something that can be compromised on.

So I wish you well in this situation.

 

 

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

I've always known I didn't want to be a mother. I don't know when I first verbalized it. I know that the first time I married, I told my now x that I didn't even want to discuss adding a child until we'd been married for five years. At that point, we'd evaluate whether we wanted to do it or not. At that point, I was not nearly as completely against being a mother. It wasn't something I wanted but also not something I could say "I don't want to do this" to.

My DH and I discussed kids. We don't want them. He got a snip snip pre marriage so that we don't have to worry about it.

A lot of people say "everyone loves toddlers" etc. You know what? I don't. I cannot handle the high pitches of babies' voices. I cannot handle the high pitches of the toddlers. I don't want to deal with trying to decipher god only knows what language they are trying to speak and translate it for others. I don't want to deal with diapers and spit up or any other bodily functions. I am SO not a mother it is ridiculous. I also am SO not interested in having my innards squished and kicked and ripped apart.

That being said, I have oft thought of adoptions in the "Maybe some day down the road"...and the kids I would adopt would be those hitting 10 years old. Why? because I always felt those kids were the ones who needed love more. But that would be down the road in the MAYBE column.

Sorry to hear that your DHs are recanting their position. I do feel like if a woman gets to a certain age not wanting to be a mother, it is more likely a permanent decision....while growing up, babies are pushed on us in everything from toys to summer jobs, and as we grow older, everyone assumes we want to hold the new baby. I would think that a 29 year old has had sufficient exposure to children to know FOR CERTAIN whether she wants to be a parent or not.

Misty

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 8:58 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

Mandy, I'm still pretty young and very uncertain on the whole childhood issue, so I won't advise you based on experience. What I want to say is based instead on my understanding of human nature so far.

It sounds to me like Vance is feeling his "biological clock ticking" as a previous poster said. Maybe he was completely, 100% certain in the beginning that he didn't want kids, and maybe now as he's maturing, he's realizing that he might have been hasty in his decision. Or maybe he had that tiny seed of doubt in his mind the whole time and just pushed it away because being with you was more important (and, more likely, he didn't even realize that seed of doubt was even there). Either way, try not to blame him for "changing his mind" because it doesn't sound at all like he meant to ever deceive you.

It does sound like it comes down to what's more important for him--having children, or having you. I will say one last thing, though. You can be 500% sure about something that, as you age, may change. As a child, I said I would never even consider marrying someone who wasn't a writer. Well, I'm not marrying a writer. Yes, I was just a child and I'm older now, but to an 80-year-old, 29 seems just like childhood. In the large scheme of things, minds can change just as much. I'm not telling you you're going to change your mind. I'm actually not even sure exactly why I feel the need to say that, I just felt like it needed to be said that nothing is ever definite. Maybe that's the kind of idea your husband has about you right now.


When is my wedding

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 21, 2009 9:15 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Jream:
I know you did not mean anything by this comment: Maybe he was completely, 100% certain in the beginning that he didn't want kids, and maybe now as he's maturing, he's realizing that he might have been hasty in his decision.

But it is something that rather bothers me and I do want to explain why. By saying "now as he's maturing" I am reading "now as he is becoming more of a grown up" It almost sounds as if its a matter of because he is growing up now, he realizes he wants to be a daddy. Perhaps you meant 'growing older' But maturing usually is used to refer to a developmental stage of an individual, so when he was immature, he said he didn't want to be a father and he got married. Now that he's matured some, he realizes that isn't so.

So if you meant "growing older", then fine. But if you're speaking developmentally, I am a bit offended, because it implies that it is immature to not want to be a parent.

I do not at all equate imagining what profession we expect our future spouse to hold to be anywhere NEAR the same as knowing intrinsically that you do not want to be a parent. Being a parent is a major job, and if more people put reasoned analysis into whether they did or did not wish to take that job on, society would be much improved.

I personally have VERY strong opinions on parenting ... and by my own standards, I am not qualified. I've analyzed this and recognized that there are things I cannot handle about children WHEN THEY ARE BEHAVING... goodness help me if they are not! Children have a right to be children, and enjoy all that that entails, without having a mother who cringes everytime they break into gales of laughter or jog shrieking happily through the house with an airplane held high....basically exhibiting normal behaviours that set my nerves on absolute edge. I'd be yelling at the poor things to shut up because of the pitch of their voice. Is that fair?! No. So I do them a favor by not exposing them to me. And yes, everyone says "It's different with your own kids!" I don't think it is worth a child's happiness to prove them right or wrong. I do get tired of people trying to say "so, when are you two going to have children" (fortunately, most people know me well enough by now not to even bother asking that question <G>) to try to put a newly married couple on some sort of a time table.

But truly, having kids/not having kids ... this isn't a split decision thing. It's something both need to agree on.

Misty

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 22, 2009 6:12 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

AOTB - Of course, that's why I said that was an extreme case situation, hence dramatic. Not every kid is horrible. I wasn't. :-)

Mandy - What would I do if DH 100% had to have kids? If that was a biological need meaning I had to produce a kid or else. We'd go to counseling. If we failed to reach an agreement, then I'd probably suggest divorce. If I was forced into being a bio-mom, I would resent DH and probably the kid. You can't have a successful resentful marriage or be a resentful successful parent. If it was an adoption, I'd not be happy about it but I'm more open to adoption. My life is faith based around a God, and I believe if a child was in need and I could help that child then I would do my best to make their world a wonderful place. (Sorry for the run-on)

wedding ticker

10/3/09 5K for heart and stroke disease    2/21/10 half marathon for breast cancer 

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 22, 2009 6:24 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Aunt, I know not all kids turn out to be problems when they are teenagers but a lot do. I think your sons are around the same generation that I grew up in - we were taught to call elders Mr. and Mrs and speak and behave respectfully. I don't think the teens of today got the same memo as we did.

Mushaboo, we haven't talked seriously about this yet. I am trying to gather my thoughts and think of a way to discuss this maturely without flying off the handle. I do know that if he tells me he definitely wants a kid we are in trouble. Counselling would definitely take place but if it came down to us having kids and staying together or me sticking to my decision and not having them but losing him then I would lose him. I know a lot of people will probably think I am crazy but I am know I wouldn't be happy with that lifestyle. I don't want a child I resent or a husband I resent for that matter either.

Cat, I definitely agree that kids are pushed on us! Women believe that they have to have kids and it drives me crazy. I honestly think a lot of people just think that is the next step once you get married.

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Jream Posts : 157 Registered: 7/29/08
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 22, 2009 6:46 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I figured I was going to offend somebody with my comments, but I just didn't know how else to say it.

But I did mean mature--physically, emotionally, mentally, all of the above. Because AS you mature, you realize your clock is ticking and you can have either of two responses to that. Some people fear that ticking clock and some people don't really care. Both sets of people are equally mature, they just make different decisions.

So I was not implying that only immature people don't want kids. As people mature, their minds change. And as people mature, sometimes their minds stay the same. The word "mature" is not the significant part of that idea I had said--the important part was just that he might have changed. That's all.


When is my wedding

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not sure how to handle this
Posted: Nov 22, 2009 8:04 PM Go to message in response to: Jream

Jream - I don't know think that it's maturity - but I do think that it can be a realization of a time frame closing. I think it's just age - almost like a mid life crisis. But I just don't think that it's a maturity thing as I don't feel that age remotely equates to maturity.

Some people freak when they turn 30 - I couldn't have cared less. I think it's a mindset if you will.

Also, I'll tell you that I had to speak to several kids when we were in Disney. Certain behavior - I don't care who you are - is unacceptable. Course I think I had some words with a couple of parents too. I'm too mouthy for my own good. And trust me, you did NOT see my niece and nephew acting like a lot of the kids there - that was considered unacceptable behavior and they KNEW it.


 

 

 

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