How to honor my late mother

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MelMix Posts : 46 Registered: 7/16/09
How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 12:04 AM

My mother passed away 12 years ago (it was a sudden death) and unfortunately she did not get to meet my FH. My father remarried two years ago to a lovely woman who has been great with me and my dad.

I would like to honor my mom in some way at our wedding in February, but I don't want to make my stepmom uncomfortable. I've considered a special candle, but I don't know if that's right.

Any ideas? Thanks in advance.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: MelMix

Dear Mel,

I've lost both my parents. The pain never quite goes away. Living with their loss has become my New Normal.

Now, back to your question.

Your stepmother knows darn well that her husband was married before, and knows that his children have loving memories of their mother. That's part of the territory of marrying someone with a "past". If she's as nice as you say, she'll be OK with some kind of rememberance.

The issue is that you don't want to turn your wedding into a memorial service. It's a wedding, after all, and life is for the living. Dwelling on your absent mother will make everyone uncomfortable, and not just your stepmother. I know I'd be sitting there thinking "Man, what a downer.".

Here is my suggestion. If you are making a program, have a piece of the program mention "Those Who Are With Us In Spirit". That would be your mother, maybe grandparents or other people who were close to you and FH, but have passed on. Put each person's name, the years of their life and a short sentence that encapsulates their meaning to you.

If you are not making a program, then consider a table at the reception where photos of those absent loved ones are displayed, along with a note as to who they are and the short sentence.

What I think inappropriate is going overboard with the memorial. Having the table or the program blurb is enough, I think.

There are, of course, private rememberances. You can wear or carry something that belonged to your mother. That's between you and her.

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LieneVargo Posts : 10 Registered: 10/27/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 12:53 AM Go to message in response to: MelMix

auntofthebride gave some good tips. I would like to add that if the person who is conducting the ceremony is someone who knew the deceased relative, it might be appropriate for him/her to say something during the ceremony - particularly if they are saying a homily or other sermon-like speech. They might say "Today, we have come together to celebrate the love of these two people and the life they are building together. As many of you know, the bride's mother passed away. And in times like these, it can be more important than ever to honor love and family. I know (bride's mom) was so happy to see (bride) find the love she has with (groom). Although it would be easy for her death to make this a sad occasion, (bride's mom) would want to see you all so happy today,celebrating and full of joy. So today, let's remember how precious life is, and be thankful that (bride and groom) are creating a new family together.

also, you can leave an empty chair at the ceremony that would symbolize your mom, maybe leaving her favourite flowers on it.


Liene

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 9:16 AM Go to message in response to: MelMix

Sorry about your loss. I also lost my mother 9 years ago and I would like to honor her at my wedding. What we're doing is writing all those that have past in the program. We will write something like, "Those dear to us who have past will join us here in spirit" Then we will write their names. Not sure yet if we will write the years that they have past. I also want to honor my mom in another way but not sure yet as to how. Maybe have a plant or something symbolize that she is remembered. I would do the empty seat but that sounds depressing. You can also wear or carry something that belonged to your mother.
                           
  

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SuperZ Posts : 3 Registered: 11/6/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: MelMix

Hi MelMix,
I have a similar situation. I'm going to honor my late mother by placing a single red rose in a vase on the altar in the church, and also by adding her name (and our late grandparents' names) to the program. In my faith it's pretty typical to honor parents and grandparents with an altar rose, and I've seen others do the same.
I feel for you! Getting married without your mom there is tough - it's the happiest day of your life with a sting of sadness mixed in because she can't be there. Enjoy your day and know that other people at your wedding are also remembering your mom while they celebrate with you.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 3:52 PM Go to message in response to: SuperZ

Ladies,

" it's the happiest day of your life with a sting of sadness mixed in because she can't be there."

Your dear mother will be there every step of the way with you in spirit.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 6, 2009 4:12 PM Go to message in response to: MelMix

I was married in June and wanted to honor my Mother too. She died when I was 13 of breast cancer. I think it is normal for a girl to really miss her Momma while she is planning her wedding, and especially on the big day. I wore a silver breast cancer awareness ankle bracelet (from Tiffany's) in her honor, and asked my sisters to all have a splash of pink on. I had a small weddng, so it was a very nice way to honor her. I think whatever you want to do is fine and I am sure your stepmom will be fine with it. Congrats!

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MelMix Posts : 46 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 12, 2009 5:33 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thanks ladies!

All of you gave sound advice. I am planning on wearing my mom's engagement ring on my right hand, and doing a tribute to those we've lost in our program. I also decided to have one of her favorite songs played during the Prelude as well. Little ways to honor, but not make it like a memorial, like you all said.

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jtndee Posts : 16 Registered: 9/1/08
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 13, 2009 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: MelMix

Hi, just want to first say sorry for your loss. I lost both of my parents, It isn't easy but the PPs gave very good ideas.
One thing that we are going to do is in my bouquet i will have two small pictures attached that hang down so I can keep them close to me throughout the ceremony, also doing the program and a memorial candle at the ceremony.

Another thing we are doing is having my parents wedding song played at the reception, I don't know if that would help in your situation though.

Edited by: jtndee on Nov 13, 2009 10:01 PM

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alleak135 Posts : 54 Registered: 5/15/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 15, 2009 7:05 PM Go to message in response to: jtndee

I lost my stepfather and my grandmother and I've considered releasing two doves in their honor. There's a company that using homing birds and will only do it at a certain time of day so they can find their way home. My ceremony is early afternoon so it would work.

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RedCat Posts : 9 Registered: 8/2/09
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 27, 2009 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: MelMix

My sympathies to you for losing your mother. My father passed away suddeny when I was eleven. My fiance's father is also deceased. To honoer them, and all of the other loved ones who can only make it in spirit we are setting a speical table aside near the wedding party table, decorated and set like the others, with there names and pictures at the places they would have sat if they could make it in body. Also at the table are my granma and granpa and his grandpa and a highschool friend who took his own life a few years ago. That way everyone at the wedding will also remember them and if they do happen to float down from heaven then they have a seat waiting for them ;)
Hope this helped!
May 15 2010!

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MrsBiery Posts : 56 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: How to honor my late mother
Posted: Nov 27, 2009 9:42 PM Go to message in response to: RedCat

My sympathies to you as well. I lost my dad 4 months before my wedding, and my now DH lost his grandfather who was more like a father to him, 9 months before the wedding. We found a beautiful vase in the oriental trading catalog that had something about the memory of the loved ones lost. We then went to a local place to get it engraved with the persons name and their dates on the vase. We then had the florist fill the vases with flowers simular to the ones we had in the boquets, and put them on the respective sides of the alter. Those were my only alter flowers I had. My mom and mil both took their vase home to use later.
MrsBiery2b

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