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Bride to be changes guest list rules

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OneSadMom Posts : 1 Registered: 11/2/09
Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 11:35 PM

My son and his bride to be are planning a small/intimate destination wedding, which they are paying for. I was told by my son that the total guests would be 20-25. That this is their budget and our side had 10 invites. My "A" guest list consisted of my siblings and their wives, one brother on my husbands side (and his wife) and my mothers brother and his wife. (My mom passed away last year). Five months ago, I was requested by the bride to email my list to her, so I put it in a word document and attached this list to the email and sent it to her. With an added note, that I was getting together additional guest information, which was my "B" list. At this time the "The save the date" announcement went out.


Recently with the declines of coming in, I was asking the bride to send out save the dates to other relatives on our side that were on my "B" list. (Currently from my original guest list, there are 2 that can afford to make the trip)


My request was meant with the following explanation from the bride;


" On the inviting additional relatives, I understand most will not be able to attend, but we agreed to only invite the more immediate family and closest friends. We don't want to offend anyone, but we're trying to keep the wedding small".


So with this in mind and not wanting to upset their budget, I told my son, if by any chance the guests went over the 10 (their budget), I would pay the difference. What needs to be made clear here, I am not trying to go over the 10, just trying to fill the 10. Most people can not afford or travel the distance to my sons wedding.


In the mean time, I found out that my uncle on the original list was not sent a save the date announcement. I confronted my son about this and asked that all 4 of us meet to discuss the situation.


Here is the outcome of that meeting:

  1. Sorry, your uncles name was not on the list and I have the email to prove it.

Odd, although I did not save the email, I saved the document and according to Micro soft word, I did not amend the original document. Basically, she removed the name.

  1. Sorry, your mom is gone now but your uncle is not invited. (My moms brother)
  2. If I let you invite other relatives, then I have to do the same for my side and that is not happening.
  3. It is our wedding, we are paying, the guest list is done and you must have misunderstood the 10 guest invite.

During this meeting my son just sat there and did not speak a word until prompted by her, to whom he just agreed with the bride (I guess she wears the pants in that relationship). I do not understand, 10 are 10. He is my only remaining child and I want to share this day with just 10, since that was the original request. His sister passed away several years ago (we will never see her walk down the aisle) but so that you know, that did not matter either. I feel our side is being totally disrespected by her and my son says nothing. Any suggestions

family , guest_list , budget , bride , groom , save_the_date , invitations , son , advice
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 12:18 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

I guess I'm really confused as to what occurred. Your post didn't make sense - which is common when trying to post around emotions. Have you met your 10? I get the impression that the uncle wasn't invited even though he was on the original list of 10?

Aside from that, if they are paying, they get to make the rules.

And while you may have certain ideas about how the meeting went, it may also be that it was easier for your son to 'not' confront you and allow his fiance to do so, thus making her the bad guy.

Just a thought, though I'm still really confused.

 

 

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 7:36 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

Honestly, it sounds like your son and his FW want a small wedding with only their closest friends and family in attendance. That does not necessarily mean that they want 10 people total from your side. I'm going to assume that your 'A-list' consisted of the family who is closest to you and your son. If they can't make it, why should he have to invite family that isn't close to him just to fill the space?

If I'm understanding this correctly, then I'm on the bride and groom's side. We wanted a small wedding ourselves, with only our nearest and dearest. With our parents help, we made a guest list consisting of CLOSE family members and friends. When some of them could not attend, that did not mean that we wanted to add others just to fill the space. 'Nearest and dearest' means those closest to us, not a certain number of seats filled. We did not want to invite extended family members that we are not close to in order to fill the seats when our CLOSE family members couldn't make it.

Does that make sense? For us, it really wasn't about the number of guests - it was about who the guests were. From talking to lots of brides on these boards, I can tell you that I'm not the only one who feels this way. It wasn't about the money, either, and if our parents had offered to pay for additional guests, we would not have been interested. The whole idea in having a smaller wedding is to be surrounded by those who are closest to you, so anybody who didn't make the original guest list really isn't in that same category.

I'm sorry you're upset, though. I'm sure you've imagined your son's wedding and didn't envison it the same way he and his FW have - that must be hard. At the end of the day, though, is this really worth arguing?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

family , guest_list , budget , bride , groom , invitations , save_the_date , son , advice
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 8:04 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

And the way I interpret "and our side has 10 invites" means that your son and you share those 10 invites, Mom. That means, believe it or not, HE gets to determine if he wants to put anyone on the list that you didn't include. They are paying, they get to decide which of the guests representing his side come and which guests representing her side come.

You send them your A list...that does not mean that those people are invited... it means that those are your SUGGESTED guests to them. It does not mean those people are invited just because you put them on your list.

Was HE not supposed to get any guests that he chose? No friends of his that are important to him? Sounds to me like you interpreted the "our side gets 10" to mean "I get to invite 10 people" and that, my dear, was wrong.

The guest list rules weren't changed. You just didn't pay attention to what was said. You don't get 10 invites. The groom's side (which, as I indicated before, actually includes the groom) gets 10 invites.

They are paying, and I'm on their side in this.

Misty

family , guest_list , budget , bride , groom , invitations , september_2009 , save_the_date , son , advice
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 10:27 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

Dear OSM,

"I was told by my son that the total guests would be 20-25. That this is their budget and our side had 10 invites. My "A" guest list consisted of my siblings and their wives [4], one brother on my husbands side (and his wife) [2] and my mothers brother and his wife. [2] "

By my math, your A list was eight people. Plus you and your husband, that makes ten people.

With only 20-25 total guests, and 10 on the groom's side, that leaves exactly no slots for the groom's friends.

Hmmm... let's see. It's his wedding, he's the groom, he's paying the tab and because you want to invite assorted siblings and their spouses he gets to invite exactly no one of his own choice.

Not only that, but you have a list of folks to invite should any of your A list decline.

Yeah, I'd be ticked off, too, if I were the bride or the groom here.

My suggestion is that you reorder your priorities. It is not up to your son and his new wife to "make it up to you" that you did not get to see your daughter get married. This is not a substitute wedding for your daughter's wedding that never took place.

It's their wedding. They are paying for it. The only thing you get to do is say "Yes, we will do exactly what you want.".

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 11:10 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

I have to say my MIL did the same thing you are doing. We had a guest list of about 150 and around RSVP time, she assumed she could start adding other randoms because we were getting some "no"s. Also at the last minute we realized we didn't hit our minimum so she wanted to start adding SIL's friends. Yes, she was contributing money (not the whole thing by far) but I didnt think it was right to add whoever she wanted (people we never met) b/c we needed a few more people. We wanted to invite co workers and people WE left out at the beginning.

I think since this is such a small wedding and the bride and groom are paying you're going to have to respect their wishes. We got so many guilt trips over all of our wedding stuff from my MIL, and it tore us apart for a while. On my actual wedding day, I didn't want anything to do with her, and I didn't like that feeling. Especially because she isn't an awful person. So please just go along with it. You do not want to start of THEIR new life with her and your son being angry at you.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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EWF Posts : 158 Registered: 7/16/09
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 11:39 AM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

here's the thing, just because someone says, "we have 10 invites" does not necessarily mean if 4 decline you get to send out 4 more invites.
for example, at our wedding, we are inviting 300 people. my fiance's mother said, ok well here's a list of people i would like to send invites to if someone from my original list declines. my father (my parents are paying for the wedding) told her, no, we are inviting 300 and that's it, no "b-list". if 300 show up, great, but we are not inviting 320 with the expectation that 20 will decline.

i have a feeling that's what you son and his fiancee want, to invite 25 and whoever makes it will and whoever can't, can't. as others have said, with your list, you didn't allow for him to invite any of his people. if they are paying, they have every right to make the rules, even if you may not like them. i don't think she "changed the rules" so much as you were trying to make them your own.

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

new_york_metro , family , guest_list , march_2010 , budget , bride , invitations , advice
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: OneSadMom

Closest friends and family does not mean distant relatives. I never once saw you say anything about who your son might want to invite. You took half the guests and tried to use them all. I am TOTALLY on the side of the bride and groom and all the PP replies to you. This is their wedding, they are paying, they want it small and intimate and no, you don't get to use the entire GROOM's side guest list to jam in all the people you want regardless of waht the bride and groom want. They told you no, so you demanded a meeting to confront them in person. Better option would have been to say ok and even better, not to have tried to monopolize the entire GROOM's list with your preferred guests. wow.

Sorry, you're being totally selfish and unreasonable. NOT the bride. I feel bad that she was the one who had to confront you, but that is something your son will need to learn to step up and do himself, hopefully for her sake he learns that quickly.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

march_2007 , family , guest_list , budget , bride , groom , invitations , save_the_date , son , advice
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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I agree with everyone above. One more thing for you to think about...

If you look through the archives of the forum, you will see a TON of brides saying "My (fill in relative) is driving me crazy. She wants to dictate the guest list. Even though she's paying, I don't want to let her." Inevitably, most of the responses are "If you want control of the guest list, you need to pay. The one paying gets to have input in the decisions."

You're not paying. You don't get to dictate.

If I were you, I'd be happy your son and his fiance are inviting as many people as they are - they could be eloping!

 

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SoontobeMrsGlover Posts : 79 Registered: 9/14/09
Re: Bride to be changes guest list rules
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

I TOTALLY agree with the Bride and Groom. We too are having a destination wedding in which we are paying for ourselves, and the purpose is so that only our closest friends and family will be there... which means no obligation people. Its our wedding and we want to share this special day with the ones WE love. And as everyone else said before, if some of those people can't make it, then we'll celebrate with the people who can. That does not mean we will fill in spaces just to have more bodies at our wedding.

maui_lanai_molokai , october_2010
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