Church wedding or not?

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HannahB2011 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/2/09
Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 1:36 PM

My parents are extremely religious. My fiance's family are not. my parents want us to have a church wedding, but i'm afraid that his parents might feel uncomfortable with a church wedding. i also don't want to have my wedding in a church. we want an outside wedding. but i don't want to dissapoint my parents. what should i do?

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

If you and your fiance don't want to get married in a church then don't get married in a church.

This is your wedding, not your parent's wedding--hopefully it will be your only wedding so do it the way that you want to. Your parents will have to understand.

There may be compromises that you can incorporate such as a reading from a passage that you may like that still incorporates with the religion that you were raised in.

Also, sometimes priests will officiate outdoor weddings--but not always. If you would still be okay with having a priest marry you--it may be something to look for.

If your parents are paying for the wedding though--then you do have to consider their wishes.

Edit: Of course that comment I made about a religious officiant marrying you outside does not reign true for every religion. I just know that my cousin who goes to a United Church got married outside.

Edited by: BrighterThanSunshine on Nov 2, 2009 2:07 PM

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

I say have your wedding outside. If you and your FH are paying for the wedding, then you do what makes you happy. If your parents are paying for the wedding, you may have to consider a church wedding.

 Lilypie - (8e8A)

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 2:10 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

I think about that exact same dilemma too, I just haven't lived it out yet. But I truly believe that you & your fiance should do whatever makes the two of you happy. I have a very close relationship with my family, who I know would want me to be married in a church, however my wedding day is about me & my future husband & what we want. Depending on how close you are with your parents, I'd reccommend that you respectfully discuss the pros & cons regarding both options. If you're not super close with your family, then make the decision with your fiance & stick with it. Don't back down. Just remember that this is your special day, and it should be organized as you'd like it. Congratulations & Goodluck!

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lianetdiaz Posts : 7 Registered: 11/2/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 2:34 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

Hi:

If I were you I would get married my way. I mean, I would choose the place that I really like without thinking in someone else. remeber it is your weeding.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

I think you should talk to your parents and get their opinion. Just because they are religious may not mean they expect you to get married in a church. Ultimately you should do what makes you happy but you might have to compromise. I never pictured myself getting married in a church and I dont think my parents really cared either way. But I knew it was important to DH and his family so I did it. There is also an option in a Catholic church to get married but not have a full mass. So that might be a good compromise for you. however I think if you are both Catholic (if thats your religion) then you HAVE to have a full mass at some churches. Figure out your options and speak to your parents about it.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

i also don't want to have my wedding in a church. we want an outside wedding. but i don't want to dissapoint my parents.

I think you answered your question right there. It is YOUR wedding and you and FH need to do what you BOTH want to do not what your parents want you to do. If you end up doing what THEY want to do then you will regret it later on.
                           
  

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ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I had the same issues with my parents, and here is what I told them.

"God's gonna be there regardless of whether it's held in His house or not. And really, since He made the whole world, guess no matter where we have it it's in his house, right?"

They didn't like it but it did shut them up. We're having the wedding outside.

Chelsea: 1 Parents: 0


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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 4:43 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

My parents are also religious and wanted us to get married in a church. It wasn't super-important to me, but I didn't feel strongly against it, either, so we went with the church wedding. At the time, I thought my parents would be angry or disappointed if we didn't get married in a church and I didn't feel strongly enough about it for the issue to be worth arguing about.

In retrospect, I don't regret the decision. We had a wonderful wedding and I don't think it would have been any better or worse if it had been somewhere other than a church. We got the know the priest pretty well and he was able to personalize the ceremony and was sensitive to guests with different belief systems.

Also in retrospect, I do not think my parents would have been angry if we had decided to have the wedding somewhere else. My mom might have been a little disappointed and crabby for a few weeks, but she would have gotten over it. At the end of the day, I think most parents will surprise you. I have quite a few friends who were nervous that their parents would insist on a church wedding, only to find out later that their parents were happy with whatever made them happy.

In your case, I would have a chat about it with your parents. It sounds like you've already talked to your FH, but if not, then discuss it with him first and decide what your plan of action will be if your parents are really upset about it. Will you change your mind if they're angry, or let them stew until they get over it? Once you're sure of your plan of action, talk to your parents about how you envision your wedding. Who knows? Perhaps you'll describe an outdoor wedding and they'll think it sounds lovely. If they bring up the church subject, deal with it however you've planned to.

As others have mentioned, this has a lot to do with who is footing the bill for the wedding. If you are paying yourselves, go ahead and do what you want. If your parents are paying, you'll need to consider their opinions and decide whether you're willing to pass on their contribution in order to have the wedding that you've envisioned.

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jellybean91908 Posts : 216 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

HannahB, it's easy for people to say "do what you want to do." From my experience, the majority of the posters are paying for their own weddings and can do what they want to do, regardless of the input of anyone else.

However, one important thing that some PPs have mentioned is that anyone who is paying gets input. If your parents are contributing any sum of money or paying for your wedding in any way, they deserve to have their wishes as least considered.

You have a lot of options for things you can do, but rather than address them, here is the most important thing you need to do: talk to both families and find out what they are and are not comfortable with. Marriage is the coming together of both families, and everyone is going to have to learn to respect each other and their beliefs.

Your parents may want you to have a church wedding, but how will the feel if you don't? Will it change their approval of your wedding? Will it cause them not to attend? Will they be comfortable with an outdoor but religious ceremony? You need to address the same things with FH's parents. Will they not come if it's at a church? Will they be uncomfortable with a prayer given during the ceremony? Religious readings?

It will take time and courage and a lot of compromising, but there is sure to be a way you can please everybody and have the outdoor wedding you and your fiance want. The main this is to stop speculating and start getting their opinions.

Good luck! I have been going through this same thing, too. It's seems hard but it's not impossible! :)

Caitlin & Michael ~ 9/19/08-forever <3

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DNAmindy Posts : 47 Registered: 7/24/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

Do what you want to do! But coming from the perspective of the "not-religous" side of things...I've been to many religious weddings held in churchs and I never felt uncomfortable at all being there. In fact, my brother married a very Catholic girl and I was a bridesmaid in their wedding. It was not a full mass but it was a very religious wedding, down to taking communion and everything. I never felt uncomfortable. I just accepted a blessing instead of taking communion. No one judged me and I didn't judge anyone else. It was sort of funny because my sister-in-law is Irish and the wedding was in her hometown in Ireland, and literally EVERYONE at the wedding except me and my parents and my brother were Catholic, lol!

But anyway, don't worry about your fiance's family being uncomfortable in a chuch. I doubt they will be at all.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 3, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: DNAmindy

I think you should sit down and have a talk with your parents. If you do not want a wedding in church, that is definitely something you need to discuss with them before any decisions are made.

Also, I could be wrong, but I am Cahtolic and I am pretty sure that if there was communion during the wedding, then it is a full mass.

 

 

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lesasue86 Posts : 75 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: Church wedding or not?
Posted: Nov 11, 2009 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: HannahB2011

I think you and your fiance should decide were to keep the wedding. And if he agrees then well and good.
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