Destination Elopement= drama?

Online Users: 1,260 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 16


JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 2:41 PM

Hi!

So my fiance and I are planning a weddingmoon/elopement in Negril, Jamaica next summer. We have not formally booked it yet, mainly because we have some concerns about our family/friends.

We both love the idea of a weddingmoon... we LOVE the beach, it's budget-conscious, and most of all- we are very private people and hate being the center of attention. Also, I'm not at all interested in a traditional wedding.. and he has expressed the same. So, a weddingmoon in Jamaica sounded perfect. Just us. And possibly my parents (since 2 witnesses are required anyway). But other than that, we don't really want anyone else there. Nothing against other family members or friends, we adore them, but just want to do it how we feel the most comfortable.

I've told a few people about our plan, and have received some negative feedback.. "isn't that a little selfish?" "why don't you want your loved ones there?" etc.

I understand people may feel upset for being exluded.... but I also feel this is the one day that we deserve to be a little selfish. However, if it's going to cause long-lasting drama and resentment, maybe we should reconsider? It's just hard to tell at this point if it's temporary dissatisfaction, or if relationships will permanently be damaged. For the record, my parents totally support our plan, so no worries there. I'm mainly worried about our friends and his family.

Anyone else been in the same situation? What did you decide to do, and what was the outcome? How did you inform family and friends of your plans? Any regrets? Suggestions?

Any advice is appreciated. :)

Reply

zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

well in the end it really comes down to whatever decision that you and your fiance are comfortable with. Just to give you a little insight though, I will tell you what happened to my sister. Her and her husband chose to elope, they told their parents a day before the actual ceremony was to take place. The ceremony was going to be about 14 hours away. His parents were fine with it but my parents were devastated. I still remember my mother crying for weeks. She took it so hard and honestly if it wasnt for the fact that my sister got pregnant shortly afterwards I am not sure if they would even be talking now...even though its been five years! Grandkids do wonders! lol

Now if you ask my sister she will tell you she was happy with the decision she made and that she felt that what her and her fiance wanted was the important thing. However, even to this day...five years later....my mother is still extremely hurt about the situation. To the point that I often feel like she is not just helping me plan my wedding but my sisters too, through me.

I guess what I am saying is that when it comes down to it...its all about what you and your fiance want. Just be prepared for some hurt feelings if you decide that the destination elopement is what is bet for you!

Reply


FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 5:03 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

Gosh... I feel pretty strong that a bride has the right to the type of wedding she wants. If both you and your fiance want to be married on a tropical island, that is exactly what you should do. The people who love you will understand. Those who don't understand will eventually get over it. Congrats on your engagement!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 5:49 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

I think as long as you both are prepared for some people to be hurt, but it is what you want to do - then do it.

Good luck!
Laura

 

 

 

Reply


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 7:03 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

To be honest with you some relationships will be damaged that is just what happens. You have to decide if it is worth it to you to possibly lose some people out of your life. Me I wouldn't chance it but I'm not you. You said your parents, what about FH parents are they still living? If so why is she not being included in this party? The best way to make an enemy of you mother in law is to marry her son and not include her at least that is the way it was with my ex's mother. To this day she has issues with me and I have not been married to her son for over 20 years.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 10:02 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

Dear Jessica,

You think they'll "get over it"?

Well, my husband's sister eloped with her husband way back in 1969. They called her parents on the road to Las Vegas and said "We're getting married. I won't be coming home.". Her parents wanted to at least join them so they could see their daughter get married, but she said "No, we don't want you there."

My MIL has never gotten over it. SIL and husband are still married, but my MIL has never really warmed up to her daughter's husband. To this day she thinks he's a big jerk.

My husband is ticked off about it, too. He's not all that wild about attending weddings, but he's not happy about what his sister did. The other two brothers feel about the same. It's all water under the bridge, now, but my husband got a really bad first impression of his BIL and subsequent events have proven the first impression. It is our opinion (husband's, MIL's and mine) that his sister and BIL are inconsiderate, selfish people.

Forty years later, the elopement still rankles in my husband's family.

You can certainly do what you want to do. You have the perfect right to have the kind of wedding you want to have. Just be prepared for whatever consequences come around.

Reply


ChelsRae85 Posts : 371 Registered: 5/16/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 11:03 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I'm going to be totally honest here, and it's probably going to offend someone but it's the truth.

When you choose to do something like this you have to deal with people's reactions. Take it from their point of view: they've been your friends, watched your relationship grow, or been family members for years of your life. Many of your relatives have watched you grow since you were born, and now, the most important day of your life, one that they want to share with you, you're excluding them.

I'm not saying they should be bitchy about it, but I am saying that I get why they're miffed. Frankly, I'd be pretty upset if a close friend or family member got married and I wasn't asked to be there. Everyone always says it's just "your day". That's not entirely true. The unfortunate thing about being human is that our lives are all intertwined. Just think about it before you make your final decision, and best of luck to you.
My Planning Blog

Reply

zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 11:41 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

just one more thing to add...at the time my sister eloped I was too young to really care too much. However I was really hurt seeing my mother get so upset. I mean she stopped going to church and everything...felt like god had let her down. Of course her reaction might be a bit more sever than others...

The thing is though, now that I am planning my own wedding...it has really started to hit me on how much I missed out with my sister. She is my only sibling and it makes me really sad that I didn't get to be a part of her wedding. It probably sounds dumb...but I dont think I respect their marriage as much as I should because I wasn't there to physically see them pledge their love to each other...and neither was anyone else.

And like AOTB said...even five years after the fact...my mother has definitely not gotten over it. She hates my sister's husband and if it wasnt for the grandkids I am 100% sure they would still not be on speaking terms. Some people just don't get over things....

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 12:27 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

I know my mother would have wanted to be there if we had eloped. And my in laws would not have forgiven us - but we're also close to our families.

And that is a huge assumption we're assuming here. Maybe he's not close to his family and has little to no relationship with them. Maybe they are close.

Who knows. We can only make suggestions based on our personal experiences.

But for the PP who's Mom - I mean she stopped going to church and everything...felt like god had
let her down. Of course her reaction might be a bit more sever than
others...

That reaction is seriously messed up. And your mother is an adult - her choices are her own. Can she be upset with her daughter, hell yeah, but that reaction is messed up. And don't get me wrong, parents have been known to go nuts and over the deep end with the kids.

BUT I've known plenty of parents who act the SAME way when their kids just get married with the whole shebang. So some people are just warped.

 

 

 

Reply

zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 12:57 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

pharmtoxgirl....like i said, i agree that my mother's reaction was severe. However, her and my sister were best friends for a long time. From the moment she started dating her now husband....things went down hill. There are a lot of other factors that played a part in the whole situation which I didnt add because I didnt want to hijack this girls thread. (Like the fact that my sister hid the engagement from the family and my mother found out from one my sister's friend's mom after the fact)

Lets just say my mother went to church every single day and prayed for over two years that her daughter and her now husband would not marry and not only did they end up marrying but they excluded her from the whole thing on purpose.

Like i said my mother had a very severe reaction but...im sure there are others out there like her!

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 1:08 AM Go to message in response to: zoe1983

Zoe - I understand, but I think that you also got at what I was wondering with the OP. Honestly, if your mother was behaving that way BEFORE they were married, I can understand why your sister eloped.

We're all making the assumptions that the FH of the OP and his family are close. That's a BIG assumption. The OP didn't go into it one way or another, and maybe she won't - that's her perogative, but it may be that his family wouldn't be invited to a wedding that they chose to have that's not an elopement. We don't know.

It's just another perspective to throw out there. Everyone's family is not cuddly happy go lucky.

Heck my family gets along fairly well, but that doesn't even describe us!

 

 

 

Reply

zoe1983 Posts : 115 Registered: 4/8/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 1:29 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I see what you are saying and you totally have a point. I think the thread just hit a nerve because i am still hurt about the elopement my sister pulled and am even more hurt at how upset my mother was, and still is. I guess I am just a tad worried that if her husband is close to his parents, they might be really hurt by this.

Each situation is different though...and if the original poster thinks that her friends and family will get over it, and if its really what her and her future husband want...then i say go for it!

Reply


JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

Thank you all for the responses- it's helpful to get other people's experiences with this.

Thankfully, everyone supports me and my fiance. My family and friends that know him, love him. And everyone on his side claims they adore us together as well. We're really lucky to to have had such a smooth sailing relationship. So the reason for the elopement/weddingmoon has nothing to do with anyone disapproving of our relationship or anything like that. We are just quiet/private people who love the beach and don't want a lot of fuss.

And this isn't a traditional elopement.... where we run off and get married without anyone knowing. We plan on discussing this with those closest to us beforehand (like, several months before). If his parents disapprove, we will definitely reconsider and work something else out. Their feelings are more important to me than having my ideal wedding, hands down. However, there is a friend of mine who openly disapproves.... she and I were once pretty close, but in recent years have grown apart. Her dissatisfaction alone probably won't influence me much. She turned my engagement around to be about her, commenting to everyone that "I was the first person to see the ring", "I was the first friend to hear about it first", "I got to celebrate with them first". So I assume the reason she's unhappy with the elopement is because she won't be involved. .. and it's hard to tell if that involvement is because of genuine interest or selfish egotism.

Thank you to the previous posters who shared their experiences.... I can see how marriage plans can totally make or break family ties. Its just so difficult for me to understand though. My thoughts: A marriage involves family, a ceremony involves the couple. I think it's incredibly selfish for mom to be so disapproving of wedding plans (or lack thereof) that she break the relationship out of spite. Now, if she disapproves of the future spouse, that's another thing.... but if she otherwise supports the union... she should support the union. Zoe's mom could have missed out on a lot if it weren't for the grandkid.... and for what? They had a good friendship prior to the elopement... and she's now going to hurt her daughter by taking that friendship away... all because her daughter didn't married the way she wanted her to? Incredibly self-centered, IMO.

If a good friend or family member of mine eloped.... cool! Good for THEM. They are still the same people to me, and relatively little will change in my relationship to them. I would not feel excluded... they simply chose how they wanted to be married. It's their one day, let them have their one day. I'll join them for the rest of their/our lives.

And I realize I have a much different stance on this... definitely in the minority, so I'm probably wrong. I'm prepared for criticsm and miffed friends if we do go with the elopement... I just wish I could empathize more with the other viewpoint. That's why I need your stories/opinions. :)

Thanks again for the replies.


Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: JessicaLong

If his parents
disapprove, we will definitely reconsider and work something else out.
Their feelings are more important to me than having my ideal wedding,
hands down.


I think this is the best course of action and I'm happy to hear that you want to discuss it with them. If you are considering having your parents there, maybe offer that they can come too - just the 2 sets of parents - that way they feel included.

However, there is a friend of mine who openly
disapproves.... she and I were once pretty close, but in recent years
have grown apart. Her dissatisfaction alone probably won't influence me
much.


This wouldn't be an issue for me personally - some of my friends may have been disppointed, but they will or won't get over it.

I
can see how marriage plans can totally make or break family ties. Its
just so difficult for me to understand though. My thoughts: A marriage
involves family, a ceremony involves the couple. I think it's
incredibly selfish for mom to be so disapproving of wedding plans (or
lack thereof) that she break the relationship out of spite. Now, if she
disapproves of the future spouse, that's another thing....


But I think in Zoe's Mom's case she didn't approve of the guy and relationship. And I don't know that I agree with the differentiation about the marriage family vs ceremony couple - it's a wedding and families are influential even if it's negative in the relationship as a whole. But I do feel that personal preference should play a role.

And I realize I have a much different stance on this... definitely in
the minority, so I'm probably wrong.


Everyone's allowed to their opinion - it's your opinion, not necessarily wrong. Others might think you are wrong, but that's their opinion.

I know others who went and were married in a small ceremony and then had a delayed reception where they showed their wedding video. I think that is cool too.

I think that with your original post the thought of including your parents and not his rubbed people wrong - I know that it didn't quite sit right with me. It would almost be better to invite both sets of parents or have two friends that aren't related be your witnesses.

I know that my Mom and my MIL would have NEVER have let us live it down if we had eloped without them. My Mom might have eventually gotten over it - my MIL would NEVER get over it. So it was a non-option for us. Now I wonder if my BIL might elope with his GF because he knows his Mom got the big wedding with us. LOL That should be interesting!


 

 

 

Reply


JessicaLong Posts : 29 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Destination Elopement= drama?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 2:17 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thanks for the response, Pharm. I didn't realize how my original post came off (as far as exlcuding his parents). So thanks for pointing that out. I just meant that my parents are on onboard with the Jamaica idea, wheras we haven't proposed the idea to his yet.

They are absolutely welcome to come, but we don't want them to feel like they HAVE to, or cause any major inconvenience to them. I feel we should offer to pay for at least some of their expenses.. but how do we broach that topic? I believe they are financially sound enough to cover it themselves, so I don't want to insult them by offering. Then again, I feel bad essentially asking them to make that week available, in a country they would probably not visit otherwise, and not offer to hep financially.

It's really hard to say, "You guys can come, but don't feel like ya have to!" Or.. "We'd prefer to be alone. But if that would offend you, you can come. And we'll pay.. if that doesnt offend you."

Argh. It's really hard to do anything without offending someone... even with the greatest intentions.

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine