Does anyone else deal with this?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 28, 2009 2:35 PM

I think there was a similar post to this recently but I am not sure. Anyway does anyone else feel slighted or "discriminated" against b/c you DONT have kids?

I feel this way b/c I had a friend who is DH's best friend's wife. They currently have 2 kids, and its like after she had the 2nd one she just stopped talking to me. Of course it doesnt help that they moved a little farther away. However I notice she talks A LOT to 2 other wives of DH's college friends and both happen to be pregnant. So like, what the hell? You dont write me emails to ask how I am....just talk to them about babies. And then its like whenever I do have kids, I don't want her to know because then she might just start talking to me again...and I wasn't important enough before to keep in contact with? Eh, I dont know. It just bothers me.

Anyone else??

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 28, 2009 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Do you mind if I answer as someone who IS a mom?

I think that there are some people who do stop talking to childess friends once they have children. And I don't know why. I think it's good to have a mix of friends; not everyone needs to be in the exact same place in life in order to continue friendships.

However...I think when you are a NEW mom (whether it's the first kid or second) you NEED a lot of support from people who understand. And most people who understand are other mothers. So it might not be that she's ignoring you so much as she's spending what little time she has talking to other moms so that she can get advice, vent to about child-related things (which you may not want to hear about). Does that make sense?

I don't know your friend, though, so I have no idea what her reasoning is.

I also want to give you the other side of the coin. When I was pregnant, one of my friends accused me of "only talking to other pregnant women" because I had stoped calling her. Her reasoning was off base. I was so ill with morning sickness that I wasn't talking to ANYONE, much less her. So just make sure that you aren't jumping to conclusions that aren't accurate.

In addition, I have a friend who stopped returning my calls and messages since I became a mother, but still goes out with other friends quite often....so it makes me feel like I'm not good enough BECAUSE I have kids. So you know...I guess it can work both ways!

Have you asked her about it at all?

If, in theory, she ACTUALLY thinks that you aren't as valuable as a friend since you don't have kids...well yes, that is stupid. And you have every right to be hurt.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 28, 2009 9:22 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I have written a few posts about this type of thing in the past. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Most of my friends that I grew up with have kids or are pregnant right now and DH and I do not. I realize over the years friendships change and I have since made new friends who I feel closer with who do not have kids yet either. I find that my best friend is different since having her second child. Whenever I am over all she wants to talk about is her kids and I do listen and ask questions but that is not all I want to talk about. She doesn't ask me anything, how DH is, how my job is (I am a HUGE career person), anything! And when I do vent about work or whatever she gets a glazed look on her face.

And I also feel like they all think I am wrong to not have kids because they all do. In one sentence they will tell me how extremely hard it is to have kids and the next be bashing me because I don't have any.

It's frustrating.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 28, 2009 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

O.K. I'm gonna go all medical here again so bear with me.

Moms and moms to be don't sleep. And if they do it's not quality sleep. I'm a sleep tech, not a mom, but my area of knowledge makes me very sympathetic to their cases. Many of them are also very deficient in their necessary nutritional needs. Not on purpose, these things just happen.

Anyway, I've had friends do this to me. One even suggested I consider surgery to correct a problem preventing me from getting pregnant. Uh... Risks versus benefits, I'd rather adopt. When I can afford it. Yeah. So back to where I was going with this...

Being sleep deprived and nutrient defficent, your friend(s?) might be extremely exhausted and not have the energy to try to relate to people in a different stage of life. And I understand the hurt. It sucks. But your friend may just need time and vitamins before she can come arround again.
CoolStick your head out the window and smile for a satellite picture!Tongue out

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 29, 2009 8:55 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Yea Bird, I hear what you're saying, however she isn't a "new" mom. Her oldest is 3 1/2 now so she's been doing this for a while!

It's probably that I am paranoid because we are the only ones out of that group of friends NOT to be expecting a baby so I guess we feel left out a little.

But I look at my sister how IS a new mom like you, Bird (I think they are almost the same age!) and she still talks to me about work and TV shows and whatever else silly stuff sisters talk about. And I ask her questions about the baby and she gives me really bad PR for motherhood and we move on. But that may be b/c she is my sister and we've always talked about nonsense anyway.

I guess I am just feeling a lot of pressure to have a baby, and I DO want one soon, so things like this are magnified!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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JerseyGirlVA Posts : 311 Registered: 9/17/09
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I guess this just one of the stages that we all go/grow through. Think about it, when you & your man first got together, didn't you hangout with more couples? Once you were married, didn't you spend more time around other married couples? I personally appreciate being around people who are in similiar situations as myself- reason being that when you are venting about an issue with the BF or other friends, they understand because they are in the same boat. I'm not saying that they are the only people who understand, but it just happens to workout that way.
As long as someone isn't intentionally being nasty or rude to me, I'm okay with them not contacting me as often as they usually would. I'll either move on or call them, if it's worth it. If she is simply one of your husband's college buddies' wives, then be civil & don't sweat it. If she is someone that you actually want to be friends with & stay close to, offer to bring her & her family a homecooked meal one night or arrange for the guys to watch the kids so that the two of you can go out & enjoy a ladies night!

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lesasue86 Posts : 75 Registered: 9/8/09
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 3:48 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

She really seems to be a sick lady. You should not even care if she talks to you or not.
pearl jewelry store

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think that there are some people who do stop talking to childess friends once they have children.

I've talked to my SIL about this, as she's had to cut some childless friends out of her life. She certainly hasn't stopped talking/hanging out with EVERY childless friend of hers, but there are quite a few that she's cut out. The main reason is that these particular friends never learned to accept that she and her son come as a pair (most of the time). Other friends are simply not good with kids - or very obviously uncomfortable around kids - which made her nervous about her son's safety with them. I'm not saying that this is fair to her old friends, but I think she's done the right thing by limiting her friendships to people who are kid-friendly. But this is a total tangent (what you said just reminded me), and I doubt this is what's going on with NJ.

NJ, my guess is that your friends are just wrapped up in the role of mommy right now. Not all mothers or new mothers are like that, but some seem to get that way and suddenly act a little hostile towards their formerly close friends.

This hasn't happened to me, personally. I know I've mentioned this before on the boards, but none of my close friends (except my SIL) have kids. I know that's probably not normal for our age group, but given that I met most of my friends in graduate school and we were all busy with that until our late 20s or early 30s, it makes sense. I have a few friends who are making noises about having kids soon, so I'm sure my happy life of non-discrimination for not having kids will end sooner rather than later. I hope they're all more like my SIL than your friend, since I'm kid-friendly and want to stay friends with them and spoil their kids!

We definitely get some discrimination for not having kids in the family, though - does anyone else feel like they experience that? Got to go now, but I'll come back later and explain what I mean!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

NJ, I hear ya. My own brother doesn't call me anymore since getting married having a kid. Though I think that's just him. But it really bugs me that if anyone picks up the phone to call the other, it's been me the past year. And since we always had a relationship that felt like it had good give-and-take before, it reaaaallllly bugs me.

I hope I don't turn into one of those moms that never calls their friends anymore. I certainly don't plan on it. But once I have my kid, if I'm having trouble with breastfeeding or I'm sleep-deprived with a colicky baby, etc., yeah, I'll probably be on the phone more with people I can vent to and who can help me. But as you pointed out, she's way past the very-new-mom stage, so maybe she's just one of those people who's gotten totally wrapped up in her role as a mom and doesn't really want/need to focus on anybody not in that role. That sucks and I would feel like you do. See first paragraph!

Most of my friends are childless right now, but a couple are trying and a couple of others like kids, so I can see it being no problem for us to hang out with them as a "package deal" when my kid is young. But I'm a little worried about where my relationship with one particular friend is going to go--I have the feeling she's going to have little patience with small children and I hope it doesn't hurt our friendship.


Thanks for posting this. Guess I sort of had to vent, too.


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Edited by: HappyGirl13 on Oct 30, 2009 3:53 PM

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 30, 2009 9:33 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

haha NJ, that was me!! I started a thread like this a few months ago, here's the link to it, there were some good responses to it

http://www.brides.com/forums/nwr/thread.jspa?messageID=557359 GRRR... I can't get the link to post, but the thread was titled Out of the Loop? so if you type it into the forum search it should be the first one that comes up, pretty easy to find.

but anyway, I STILL know how you feel! Some of my friends NEVER talked to each other at all until they all had kids and now they are the bestest friends ever and never talk to me unless I've called them 10 times or written them so many messages or e-mails it's insane. I get very hurt by it and know what you mean that I think as soon as I get pregnant I'll be back in the loop. But that hurts still, like I'm not worthy of talking to right now since I don't have a baby, but as soon as I do I'm part of the world again.

I know friendships go through phases, but what really urks me is when I call or send messages and they go unanswered for literally MONTHS but I'll see messages to and from all the friends to each other. Ugh, so annoying. I don't wan to feel rushed to have children just to feel part of a group again, but it's hard not to sometimes. Dont' get me wrong, we won't have kids till we're ready, but it's hard sometimes!

Anyway, hopefully we both can make some good friends who don't have kids or are in same stages as us and we both wont' feel so bad!! :)

Daisypath

"Come What May...."

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 2:28 AM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Art, my best friend had a similar experience as to what you described . She was young (21) when she had her son, and she found it impossible to get almost all of her friends (except me and a few others...none of us had kids) that she couldn't just go out every night, or go out with short notice, because she had a son. She needed time to arrange a babysitter. She didn't want to spend holidays away from him. Etc etc.

So it definitely can go both ways. As I've said, there are a few people who don't really talk to me since I've had the baby, and I wonder: if it because I have a baby and they just figure we won't have anything in common? Or is it because they expect ME to be ditching them, so they're just not trying?

Who knows...
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 10:18 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Bird- I love it that you're giving the "mom's" side of all of this. I agree, I wonder if it's both sides assuming the other side wouldn't want to hang out with each other? I know for me, I would LOVE to hang out with them, with their kids or not! I go to all their birthday parties and such. So that's why I wonder why I don't get called other times except for the birthday parties. But anyway, I'm glad you're giving the other perspective!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Oct 31, 2009 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

Thanks Brooke. I was worried I was taking over the "non parent" thread with parenty stuff, lol.

You know, another thing: sometimes it is nice to have some time with nonparents. One of the reason is that, aside from my friends, I find that the "mothering world" is SO full of judgements. For that reason, I didn't join any "mom and me" groups like people often recommend. I just can't take some of the BS. Especially when it doesn't make sense. For example, one woman I talked to was criticizing any woman who didn't try breastfeeding (I'm pro BF, but come on, formula isn't garbage) and yet, in the same sentence, she admitted to not following some of the basic safety tips for infants. And stuff like that makes my head want to explode, so I avoid it.

So the POINT is...sometimes even moms want a break from other moms! And my issue is...most of my friends were pregnant the same time as me, and now we all have kids, and I can't get that break, lol!!! And it's probably for the exact reason we're talking about - they assume I don't want to talk to them since they don't have kids. But really, I do!

There is one specific case where it was REALLY obvious that me and a couple of my friends were ditched, likely due to having our kids with us. It's hurtful. So I can imagine how hurt you feel for being ditched when it's because you DON'T have kids.

I just really wish that there wasn't this divide between women with kids and women without. I mean, people criticize me for parking in "those unnecessary" parking spots for parents with children. And some mothers criticize parentless women as being "selfish". I hate it. Where did this war between women start?
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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Celiny Posts : 285 Registered: 7/23/07
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Nov 1, 2009 11:59 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I am a mother, and I've actually never been on the other side of the spectrum. I became pregnant when I was 21 yrs old, and I was the first out of my friends. I pretty much went down to zero friends at that point, because they all stopped calling me. We used to go out a lot, and obviously I wasn't about to go to a bar with them. Even just phone calls to get together for coffee stopped. In turn, I ended up finding other moms to hang out with. I think sometimes people feel like they don't have common interests anymore. Sometimes mothers are so overwhelmed that they need people around them who understand what they're going through. The rest of the time, they're so tired that they don't want ANYONE around. I used to go out all the time, but since becoming a mom, I've turned into a real home-body. I LOVE being around my children, and just end up wishing I was with them when I go out. And if I DO get the opportunity to get away, I want to spend that time with my husband so we can reconnect. Just a bit of insight from another perspective.

If you are really hurt by her not calling anymore, why don't you try to express your feelings to her? Maybe she doesn't realize it, and will try to keep in touch with you more.


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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does anyone else deal with this?
Posted: Nov 2, 2009 2:43 AM Go to message in response to: Celiny

Celiny,

I'm sorry that your friends were, for lack of a better term, real douchebags.

We still need to have our mommy date soon :)
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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